AN: Okay, from this point on, and I guess from the last two chapters, it's going to be slightly AU. I could see some of the readers turn away from my fic now. Some of you had theories of what happened to Botan, and some of them play a role in this. Though they are not exactly right, but a close enough guess. Well, hope you all enjoy.

I'm sorry

"Wha– What the hell just happened, Koenma?" Yusuke yelled at the king of Reikai. He just witnessed one of his dearest and closest friends collapse and then turned to dust. To say that he was confused was an understatement.

Koenma just bowed his head and sighed. Yusuke looked at Koenma then to Hiei and then to the pile of dust that was once Botan, all the while a noise of exasperation was building at his throat and threatened to explode. Yukina looked at her brother with sympathy and confusion. She had no clue as to what was going on, and from the look on her brother's face, neither did he. She never saw the expression on his face before. It was emotionless and yet, grief had worn fine, thin, invisible lines on his perfect face that only she saw.

But there was something else too. Something unnamed, something that Yukina couldn't place. It wasn't exactly heartbreaking or depressing. It was just some form of anger that was sad. Yukina stepped closer to her twin and took his hand. What surprised her most was that he took his hand away and stepped away from her. Yukina gasped from his sudden movements and uncharacteristic behavior, getting Kuwabara's attention.

"Hey Shorty! She was only trying to comfort you," Kuwabara growled, standing by Yukina's side and placing an arm out in front of her as if her brother would attack her any second.

Continuing his uncharacteristic behavior, Hiei turned his back on Kuwabara. He didn't even make a growl at Kuwabara as an explanation for his actions or for being so close to Yukina.

Finally, not being able to take all the secrecy, Yusuke exploded. "Will someone just please tell us what the hell is happening! Hiei is acting strange for obvious reasons, Botan has turned to dust for unobvious reasons, and I have a feeling that you know what the hell is going on!" he pointed to Koenma. "So why don't you start?"

Silence was the answer that Yusuke got.

"Geez, where's Kurama when you need him?" Yusuke muttered. This caused a growl from Hiei. Yusuke blinked.

"Yusuke," Keiko hissed and grabbed his ear.

Ignoring Yusuke's yelps of pain, Koenma said, "If you all want to know then come with me to Reikai." He went outside and looked up to see Ayame flying away with Botan. Then he went into the portal that he had Jorge make, knowing that everyone would follow.

Stepping out of the portal and into his office, Koenma went straight for his desk and pressed a few buttons. Several chairs appeared just as everyone got in. Koenma noticed that Genkai didn't come, so there was one chair left unsettled when everyone sat. Even Hiei sat down on a chair when he usually leaned on a wall. Koenma waited for a few moments for everyone to settle and for Ayame to signal to him that she was done.

Keiko, Yukina, and Kuwabara looked around the office with interest for they had never been there before. They were a bit disappointed to see that it wasn't as grand as they all thought it would be. It looked plain, and if they didn't know better, they would have thought that it belong to any human back in Ningenkai.

A beeping noise turned their attention back to Koenma. He pressed a button and Ayame's voice followed suite. "Koenma-sama, she settled in the RR."

"Good," Koenma replied. He let go of the button and took a deep breath. "Do you know that less than ten percent of all ferry girls are ningen souls?"

"So? What does that have to do with Botan?" Yusuke asked impatiently.

"What I'm trying to say is, Botan used to be alive."

Yusuke just looked at him like he was an idiot. "Again, so? I always thought that she once was alive. But again, what does that really have to do with Botan?"

"Yusuke be patient. If you stop interrupting him, he can get on with his point," Keiko chided. She was on edge. Looking at the room, she saw that everyone was on edge as well, but to a certain point.

"I don't think that you get the implications with this. Wait– forget that, I know that you all don't understand this. But Yusuke, you should at least understand a little bit of what's going on. You died once; or twice if you count that time when Sensui beat you to a pulp."

"Hey! He didn't beat me to a pulp!" Yusuke protested.

Koenma ignored him. "Botan was human once. That means that she was once was alive. Since then, she has been working as a ferry girl. Over time, she has climbed up the latter and became top ferry girl. A couple of years ago, she was given an assignment that I am starting to regret giving."

"You're stalling," Hiei said. It was the first thing that he said since it happened. Everyone looked at him and tried to figure out what was going on in his mind.

Yusuke smirked. He looked at Koenma with one of those expressions that he usually had on before he went into a difficult fight. "Hiei's right. Quit stalling with the historical facts and start explaining."

Koenma's eye twitched slightly. "Well excuse me but I never had to explain this kind of thing before. This is the first time that it's happened. Well, maybe not the first time, but it is the first time that explanations had to be made. So forgive me if I don't know where to start," he snapped. "Now, as you all know I can revive the dead."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a snap for you. Please don't go all high and mighty about it," Yusuke said.

"Well that's where you are wrong Yusuke," Koenma pointed at him to stress his point. "It's not as easy as it looks or sounds. Reviving the dead takes a lot of energy. You should know that Yusuke. Its not like I could just snap my fingers and a dead person becomes living. A lot of factors have to be taken into consideration. Like the body has to intact for the soul to be housed in, the soul has to be in the immediate area of the body, I have to have enough energy for it, and so on."

"But you didn't revive Botan," Kuwabara said. "She told me that you gave her a body to borrow so that we could better see her or something like that."

"That's just my point! I didn't revive her. There's a difference between revival and lending a body. Did you ever wonder why I just didn't revive her when I assigned her as your assistance?"

"Ah, no," Yusuke said. "Never even gave it a thought."

"Typical of you. Well the reason is because her body is gone."

"You mean like decomposed?" Keiko guessed.

"Exactly. Her body had over 700 years of decomposition." Yusuke whistled at the length of time. "So you can see that her body would no longer be intact. That and add to the fact that it is your custom to burn the dead so Botan's body was turned into ashes and then buried."

"No body, no revival," Kuwabara mused in a Kurama like fashion.

"Right. But Botan can use a body that Reikai has made for her. However, there are draw backs to it, mostly because she once was alive and because it wasn't her natural body to begin with. When Kuwabara said borrow, it literally meant borrow."

"The body was a loan?" Yusuke asked with surprised. Everyone else had a similar expression.

"Yes. Botan knew that with a body came some rules that she had to follow. Like to not tell anyone that she's dead, works for Reikai, about demons, and all the usual stuff. But there was something else that was important. Vital to her very soul," Koenma said as if foreboding.

"Why do I get the feeling that something philosophical is about to come up?" Yusuke whined.

Keiko glared at him.

"Unfortunately for you Yusuke, this will get a little philosophical," Koenma said more to the rest and not to Yusuke. "It is well known that when a person dies, their souls have the chance to rest. That is if they are good of course. For a human soul to become a ferry girl, they have to have a pure, yet strong, heart. To be able to sympathize with the recently departed, to not pity them or show sadness for them. They have to be able to take the dead's whining and tears about being dead. Most could also be face scorn, as if it's their fault that the person is dead."

"Gee Koenma, don't you think that you're asking for a bit too much?" Yusuke asked.

"No," he answered. "This is exactly the reason why so few ferry girls are ningen souls. This isn't a job to be taken lightly. The fact that Botan was able to climb the latter to top ferry girl, with most of her memories intact no less, is quite a feat. So I assumed that her helping you with his work would be no problem for her. It would also give her a chance to walk with the living again."

"Explain the draw back that Botan didn't follow," Hiei said when Koenma went silence for a few moments.

"She didn't rest," Koenma said, not looking at them.

"What? That's it? Not resting? What kind of draw back is that?" Yusuke said flabbergasted.

"It's not so little a thing as you think!" Koenma slammed his fist in his desk. The others were startled at this. "The body requires energy to function. To give off warmth, to become hungry, to give away waste, and all the others that make a person feel alive. The soul works hard to just stand. I'm sure that you've all felt the pressure that life brings on you. Sometimes it feels like a heavy weight is on your shoulders, a burden that only you can bear, ne? Or like there is no one who could help you ease the pain?"

Keiko, Kuwabara, and Yusuke nodded their heads with understanding and slight uncertainty. Yukina gave a small nod and Hiei continued on with his emotionless face.

"For Botan, the weight is not on her shoulders but everywhere. It's like the very gravity is pressing down on each and every part if her."

"Wow,"" Yusuke said with awe. He was impressed with what Botan had to go through everyday. While he had his share of burdens, he always had someone to back him up or someone who was just there for him. Botan had no one to help her with this, just herself. Even if he did know about this before hand, it still all went down to what Botan wanted. And nothing was going to keep her away from her friends for long.

"Hai. This is why she had never really spent more than three or four days straight with all of you. This is something that's going to affect you too Hiei," Koenma looked at him with sympathy. "When she rests…. Her soul is taken out of the body and the body is, well, disappears like evaporated water for a lack of a better term. Or in other words, the body dies. Because Botan didn't take any rest for who knows how long, her body stopped working and she strained her soul. Right now she is in a recovery room, specially made for restoring souls."

"I don't get it. What does that have to do with Hiei?" Kuwabara asked confused.

"When demons mate, their hearts and bodies are connected. When one of them dies, it's like a stab to the one living. Rage, depression, withdrawal – all symptoms from a dead mate," Yukina said. Understanding was in her eyes as she looked at her brother. "That's why most demons don't mate. If one of them dies, it's hard to recover. Many choose the scented way of mating instead; mating by sex to reproduce with no attachments."

"In very rare cases, if the bond between two mates is so deep that they can feel one another, then if one dies, the other dies with them," Koenma added. "That kind of bond is almost impossible to come by."

"So if Hiei and Botan are courting…." Keiko left off, trying to make a connection.

"If the two of them mate, and Botan takes her rest, then Hiei will go crazy," Koenma said deadpan. "With Botan alive one moment and then dead the next, the continuation of it would drive even the mentally strongest to insanity."

"So the two of them don't mate. Nothing wrong with that," Yusuke said as if the would solve of their problems.

Hiei chuckled, which soon turned into laughter. It was bitter and almost nasty. It wasn't a nice laugh. "This is how little you understand of our ways Urameshi."

Everyone sat in stun silence as Hiei got up and left in a languid pace.

Finally, Yusuke found his voice and started to work his jaw. "What the hell was that about? 'This is how little you understand of our ways Urameshi.' What does that mean? Who does he think he is? And it figures that he'd go running off, not even bothering to explain."

Yusuke waited for a moment. When nobody said anything, he turned to Kuwabara expectedly. "Well? Aren't you going to add anything to that?"

Kuwabara didn't look at him. Instead he held his gaze to the door that Hiei walked through. "No. Somehow, I got this feeling that Hiei's going to do something stupid."

Yusuke understood so little about demons. If there was one thing that Yusuke should know about demons, Hiei thought bitterly, then it should be how strongly demons feel. He himself was part demon, he should know it instinctively. It was in the way that he stuck close to friends and his lover.

Ferry girls and demons working for Reikai made big spaces for him as he walked by. They didn't want to get in the way and be killed or hurt by his speed, strength, and rumored temper. They could feel his aura jammed tight within himself, and they didn't want to find themselves on the receiving end when it unleashes. Luckily for them, Hiei didn't need to ask for directions to where Botan was.

Botan.

The thought of her made Hiei's heart clench. Hiei had always thought of demons of being superior to humans. Every skill that they possessed was stronger; naturally or unnaturally. Demons were stronger, faster, and all five senses were sharper. Some were uglier than normal and others could be devastating beautiful. But one thing that sets demons apart from humans was their emotions. They ran far deeper than ningens.

When a demon was angry, all hell was loose until the revenge has come upon those who had did the wrong. Anger burns bright with hatred. When they were sad, some could be so melodramatic that they drag all those around to share in their experience. Their need to become stronger can be incomparable. Their determination for a goal can go on forever, loyalties undying, and Kami help the poor unfortunate fools who are on the wrong side of a demon's greed and/or thirst for a kill.

Sometimes, a demon's emotion would be thought of as insanity by ningens. Their emotions run so deep that most preferred to close them off, knowing what could happen if any was let loose. Hence the origin of the popular thought that emotion was for the weak.

But when a demon loves, a demon loves. They cared and loved with an unspeakable passion. Everything they had was given. The heart was given. Recovery from rejection can be hard to find. That is why most didn't undergo the traditional way of courting. And when rejection was indeed the case, then either death or complete separation of everything that is touched to what is shared is to be chosen. Rejection never had pretty results.

Botan was the easiest person for Hiei to choose. Because she was–

Hiei stopped. He was already in front of the door to the room where she was.

Hours had passed. Yusuke and the rest had long left Reikai. Koenma sat on his chair and waited. He seemed to be doing a lot of that.

Always waiting.

For years, he waited for Botan to show some sign that she care for him other than a friend type of way. When she appeared to not have grown any romantic interest in him, and when he finally decided to make some type of move showing what he really felt, Hiei came along and took her away.

But now that their courtship would surely come to an end, maybe Koenma didn't have to wait for as long as he originally thought. He'll give her all the time that she needs or wants for her to recover. He'd give her anything. And maybe, just maybe, she might feel something for him.

Granted that Koenma was sad with all that was happening, but he couldn't help feel a small giddiness that resided deep within his heart. Because now he had a chance. Anticipation also welled in his heart. Sadness mixed with hope swirled and floated in his heart. He was torn between wanting to feel sad for Botan (and maybe Hiei) and wanting to believe in a possible future for the ferry girl and himself.

When his door opened, his feeling turned empty. His long years of waiting would continue. A small part of him wondered if he would be waiting for the rest of his days for something that might never happen.

A red-eyed Botan wearily sank into a chair in from of him. Everything from her hair to her clothes and to her posture screamed heartbroken. She bowed her head so low that her lifeless bangs covered them and gave her the appearance of having no eyes at all. Her lips trembled and Botan bit her lip hard so that they wouldn't shake.

Koenma said the only thing that came into his mind. To who it was for, he didn't know. For him or for Botan, it was a mystery.

"I'm sorry."