The Life and Times of an Average Coward

Chapter 18: Fourth Guessing is the key to Self-Doubting

Hey,

So, this is me, writing to you because you kept whining about it whenever I go home, don't get any ideas Snotty Blondie just because I wrote this one letter. I really have nothing much to write about, aside for the fact that my sleeping schedule is fucked.

I'm advising you to cry about your future non-existent sleep schedule, you should prolly back out now before it's too late. Your crybaby ass is gonna dry out if you get into this shit, you're gonna be always on the move, air is food when you're travelling and Godfuckingdamn all these dumbass motherfuckers who gets fucking frozen when in front of the demon. Sometimes, I wonder how some of this lot even passed, specially that Yasu guy, always trying to act calm and cool but is really scared shitless on the inside. He insists that we took the test the same year in such a posh privileged way that he pisses me off, point is, I don't remember his pale ass being there. Kinda reminds me of shitty fucking Tomioka.

Ha! He was fucking trembling, even you are much better than this guy. What a total fraud. Maybe that's what he gets for training under some no-named cultivator, but that can't be right, that bubble boy of yours and the monk were good even if they settled to some middle-ranked teachers. Maybe, he just sucks that much. Bastard kept following me now like an unwanted pervert, sticking his nose everywhere, had to even move away from his ass to write this shit to you. After I saved his sorry flatass, he kept looking at me like I was the fucking Buddha and that I would teach enlightenment or some crap. Not like I would, he's fucking freaky and he's too average to be taught by the awesome me.

I wonder how you fucking deal with them when with only just one guy I feel this grossed out? If you don't know who I'm referring to, I'm simply referring to your merry band of protective psychos that gravitate around you like flies to shit.

Seriously, just gross. But unlike your depressive blue-eyed asshole, this guy. Won't. Stop. Fucking. Talking! God, I hope he gets killed on the next mission.

From your one and only fucking awesome Senpai,

Kai

P.S. Be sure to make me mochis when I come back or just cook me something, I'm getting tired of rations and unseasoned fish and meat for every meal.

We escaped. It seems like we're not completely hopeless nor stuck in the dark. We both managed to get out of the demon house relatively easier than I thought, my anxious brain cells are just stepping on the adrenaline gas pedal and never letting go.

This high level stress and anxiety is not good for me. Not at all when I should be calm as an ASMR audio on YouTube, especially with Tanjirou still inside, most likely trying his best to be alive and breathing.

Oh Sound Gods, this is not good for my heart. Also, fuck, my arms and ribs still hurt, like post-DIO steamrolling hurt. Really, if I get that Tarzan and Peppa pig love child on my hands I'm gonna smack some sensibilities to him and a proper dose of human behavior.

And maybe actually smack him in his gross abs just to make him see some public decency.

Like, how in the uptight ass laws and traditions in Nihon is half naked Georgie not imprisoned yet? Or have that horrifying thing on his head. How in the hell did he not get arrested for that? He's a walking nightmare to the traditional folks and the delicate innocent maidens. Does he not get missions in cities? Maybe Oya-sama has a hand on it if that's the case, that wise man knows how to work with what his people got, so I'd be not so surprise if that's the case.

Whatever. I'll postpone my panic attack for later when we're all safe. Praise be my compartmentalization and denial skills. Sometimes I don't know whether I should be impressed or depressed by my unhealthy coping skills. It is useful until it's not.

Well, I'm not looking forward for the mental breakdown later.

Moving on, I should focus on the now.

The children rushed towards us as soon as we got out, crying, panicking and celebrating their brother's state of being. But if they keep going, they're going to stress Kiyoshi-kun more.

"—ii-chan! You alright?" "—u're ble—" "—ed help the blo—"

"Shouichi-kun, Teruko-chan, calm down. Kiyoshi-kun is safe. The wound is shallow and Tanjirou and I already treated it as much as we could."

Two pairs of identical teary eyes shot towards me, gratefulness, relief, and happiness rolling into a soothing harmony in their hearts.

I'm glad that we were able to help them. But Tanjirou…

No! This is not the time to mope just yet, I can do that later when lives are not on the line. I must get back in there to help Tanjirou and the Pig, this shit I'm doing right now is not helping anyone.

But more than that…

"Thank you Senritsu-san!"

"Thank you so much for returning our brother!"

I cannot hold back the high keening whimper that left me when two pairs of twiggy arms wrapped around me with force, my arms glued to my side. The sound making the children jerk away from me with both horrified and concerned looks as their older brother reeled them away gently with their slack arms.

"We're so—" They started.

"It's fine." I wheezed between gritted teeth and a hiss. "Nothing more but a few bruises." Bruised and broken bones that is.

"It doesn't seem like bruises to me." Shoichi-kun decided to be the little smartass that he is.

And for that, Kiyoshi-kun slapped the back of the kid's head for the cheek.

"Don't be rude, Senritsu-san has already broken and dislocated her shoulder in trying to rescue me." Why did he have to say that? I'm trying to appear strong and reliable here damnit. Teruko-chan gasped, hands covering her mouth. "Apologize this instant."

As one, the two apologized with a bow. "We're sorry!"

"It's fine!" I would've shaken my hands before me if it didn't feel like it would fall off. "Really, it's fine." My eyes roamed the clearing, no mahogany box in sight but with my hearing I can tell that they hid it in the bushes.

What thoughtful children.

I smiled with a minute twitch from the pain.

"Thank you for hiding and taking care of the box. You both are so smart and so brave. I'm sure Tanjirou would appreciate that."

The children blushed from the praise, all adorable and sweet.

"Well, it's only right since Tanjirou-san said it was more important than his life and you guys were helping us find Nii-chan. So there." Shouichi-kun grumbled with a bashful side glance and Teruko-chan just nodded enthusiastically with his words.

I was about to reply with another grateful message when I heard it. Tanjirou is now battling the demon and getting thrown every which way, probably from the demon's spatial gravity bullshit powers, I don't know where the demon is, but I can guess that it is where Tanjirou is right now. Stupid demon concealing abilities, I can only sense their presence outside of the house but not locate them. When I was inside, I was able to do without difficulty, must be some sort of demon blood barrier or something.

And much to my annoyance and trepidation, the Pig's familiar sound came for a bullheaded rush towards an open exit of the house with glee.

Well, fuck me alright.

"Everyone, stand back!"

My eyes darted to the half naked eyesore, a glare in my eyes the moment he tilted his head where Nezuko-chan's box is hidden. The three children stood like little Bambis in front of a forest fire, only moving when I glared at them to stand aside. I held no illusion that this Inosuke guy would hesitate at beating up the children to get his way, the way the rhythm of his soul seemed to not care much for others and only for his own sense of self satisfaction. I don't know why, but under that blusterous pride is a terrified little ball of anxiety and inferiority.

Like a scared wild animal who only lives for himself.

And going with that direction of thought, he might actually be an actual case of Tarzan-like backstory. Fictitious but not that much in the realm of impossibility since orphans and homeless children are becoming more and more common with the world war going outside of Japan. The year is 1916 and it wouldn't end after two more years.

I tensed then relaxed, the grating sound of his battle lust and desire to be the best was my only signal to interrupt his charge towards Nezuko-chan with a barely lifted blade.

FUCK FUCK FUCK IT HURTS WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?!

I bit my lip down so hard to clamp the expletives that I want to let out in every language that I know, the children are here, no need to make them more horrified than they already are. The familiar taste of iron touched my tongue.

"HAHAHAHAHA! SO YOU WANNA CHALLENGE THE GREAT INOSUKE-SAMA OF THE MOUNTAINS HUH?!"

Please, as if I want to challenge your stupidity you, you ASSHOG! IS MY DISLOCATED SHOULDER, CRACKED RIB AND SPRAINED WRISK NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?! I HAVE NO WORDS TO SAY BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING AGONY THAT I CAN FEEL RIGHT NOW!

My hands are shaking from the force he placed on the dual serrated blades and in a moment of total adrenaline, I managed to redirect the blades to my left with a grunt as quickly as I could, afterwards, I delivered a satisfying kick to his stomach that forced him back to a few meters with a wheezing grunt.

Urk, I was aiming for his balls. Too bad that would have folded him.

The maniac started laughing. I'm already regretting my inability to aim for the nads.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Through frustration and pain, I managed to speak actual human language that isn't a grunt of pain.

"Huh?" The guy tilted his head in confusion. "What are ya talkin' about? You're the one who offered to challenge the Great Inosuke-sama!" He pointed one blade at me. "Are you a moron or something?"

This little…

"IF ANYONE IS A MORON HERE IT'S YOU!" He flinched at the sudden volume of my voice, pointing my own sword back at him. I feel like I'm going through aneurism at this point of how frustrated and how high my blood is boiling right now.

I've never been this so annoyed in this life. Oh wait. Kaigaku.

"THE ABUSE THAT YOU DID TO ME INSIDE THAT HELL HOUSE! AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO BEAT ME UP AGAIN! ARE YOU NOT SATISFIED YET?!"

"THIS INOSUKE-SAMA WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED UNTIL HE'S THE BEST!" He did a pose fit for a chuuni, what the hell.

"Besides," George, the Monster version, pointed his serrated blades at me, again. "Why are ya even getting in my way? If that's not challenging me then you really are an idiot!"

OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—

With one careful inhale and a light exhale, I counted and cleared my head. Getting angry would be counterproductive, I need to diffuse the situation and not let it explode. I can't exactly fight him, the Corps doesn't tolerate in-fighting, and I'm too injured to do much anything than be a meat shield to be battered and hammed.

Plus, Tanjirou is alone inside the hell house. I need to help him.

I am so not looking forward to the next few minutes.

But I also don't want to leave Nezuko-chan at the mercy of this swine. She can't run away at day time and would be vulnerable out here in the open.

But Tanjirou…

My mind reeled and went through different scenarios, each gruesome that ended with one friend dead or both of them gone. Between the sibling's lives I don't want to choose. If I have an option of taking the hits then I would do it with fear and resolution in my heart, but to have them get hurt because of my decision would feel like getting gutted by a rusty butter knife.

Anxiety over options had always been a thing to me, that's why I always hated the multiple choice questions that get me high strung to get the right answer, since, you know, the correct answer is already there. It's just as bad as a TRUE or FALSE, always one being right the other wrong.

Decisions are hard to make okay, especially in real-life situations as inane as choosing an order in a menu, and the likes of this one between two equally important friends continued well-being.

Am I being dramatic? Maybe so. But it doesn't make it any less hard.

Maybe Nezuko-chan won't get hurt if I leave. Maybe Tanjirou can do it on his own and I'll place my trust on him and his promise. Maybe someone would come and help us, taking away some anxieties. Maybe more demons would show up, a reach, but possible with the demon in there being an ex-lower moon. Or maybe I'll choke before I can do anything to help, easily getting defeated by the chunk of muscle.

These are all maybes but that doesn't mean that one of them can't come true. That it won't come true. Mere speculations but it holds a certainty for future possible outcomes on how it goes.

And that scares me. The possibility that it could all go horribly wrong and everybody dies.

"Senritsu-san!"

It was the only warning I got before serrated blades are bearing down on me. The clang of steel on steel jarring to the ears, vibrating loud in my eardrums making everything ring as the uncomfortable want to vomit right on the spot threatened to overcome me.

This is just too much, too much that I can take in a day.

Inosuke guy pushed off making me grimace in pain as my left wrist and right shoulder throbbed in time with my heartbeat.

"Stop it! We demon slayers shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves!"

I steadied my legs apart and balanced to take on another unnecessary heavy hit that jolted my bones with livewire agony.

He jumped back tucking his dual blades close and swooped in low, swinging his right blade to bisect me across my stomach and his left blade aimed to my knees.

"Huh?! But you're the one trying to fight me!"

I hopped back as soon as he rushed low ground, reversing my blade to the dull side and then twisting my body midair to do a horizontal water wheel but without the breathing technique needed to add force and sharpness to the attack. I barely dodged the fatal blow much to my chagrin.

"Excuse you! I'm defending my life over here! You're the one who started attacking first!"

He's really aiming to kill me! What the hell?!

"Haha! You're fun and jumpy! Do the spinny thing again!"

What the fuck is wrong with him?!

I didn't get to say shit before I have to dodge for my life. Thankfully the kids knew when to stand aside when a crazy bastard like this guy is on the loose.

I'm tired and aching all over, jumping and twisting away from this guy is taking everything from me, no more blade deflection because my arms are protesting that it would fall off if I do anything with them, and my rib is aching as I try and control my breath. This asshole moves in unpredictable ways, contorting his body freely while laughing like a grand maniac, it's like fighting a wild animal to be honest, and I can tell that he is dodging my lame attempts instinctively with an eerie accuracy, a sixth sense perhaps.

But I could care less when he is attempting to end my life with glee.

And Georgie here is getting irritated for being used as dodging practice by yours truly, shouting and screaming for me to stand still.

THONK THONK THONK THONK THONK

The sound of rapid drumbeats that came from the house distracted me that I tripped mid-pivot but still luckily missed another aim for the head by slipping and rolling on the ground.

"Don't ya dare get distracted Sparkly Blondie! Focus only at me!" George of the Jungle Pig masked version, once again, pointed his blade at me three meters away from where I lay like a rolled dough.

I have enough of this! That's it!

Staggering to get up and that mad man is somehow letting me get up, with the power of spite and frustration, I managed to stand back up again.

"Shut up already Boar Head!" I faced him with most likely a psychotic look on my face, based on the spike of his heart beat and the thrum of trepidation in his song.

"I am sick and tired of you going around with no consideration for others! We are supposed to work together to subjugate the demons. We are supposed to be in there fighting together against demons and not fighting against each other! You got me injured and now," My vision blurred as the tears I've been holding back decided that it won't be held back anymore.

"Oi! What are you—"

"Now Tanjirou is in there. Alone. Alone with the strongest demon I've heard so far and we're here, fighting against each other because you won't listen and work with us you dummy twit and I hate you if something bad happens to Tanjirou so would you just. STOP. FIGHTING. ME!"

I am gasping for breath by the end of my rant, but this guy just won't shut up!

"But you're trying to protect the box! There's a—"

"That box is the most important thing in Tanjirou's life so don't you dare make a move for it again!"

He only growled and gripped his twin katanas harder.

"Get out of my way!"

And made a run for it.

No.

I staggered again, aching all over and exhausted.

My mind blanked out as he dashed towards Nezuko's box with blades placed close together to pierce through the shaking mahogany box.

Ah. Nezuko-chan must has been distraught the whole time. I didn't even notice.

No.

When Tanjirou managed to wobble his way to the main exit. He expected to see the trio of siblings to be happily reunited, Nezuko-chan safe and Senritsu passed out from exhaustion and the Inosuke guy to be fighting a tree or something.

But one thing he noticed as soon as he opened the door is the smell of freshly spilled blood.

Human blood.

Not Marechi Blood.

Normal human blood.

The sight that greeted Tanjirou is surely something that he would see in his nightmares like the memories of his family lifeless in their little house over a snowy mountain.

Senritsu protected Nezuko's box at the cost of herself.

(It overlapped, and now it's Nezuko cradling Rokuta under her body. Pink tattered kimono slowly turning red, the white powdered snow underneath them turning into a pool of crimson. It was all red and white but the red is taking over the white, and they're deaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeadDEA—)

Most likely hearing him, Senritsu lifted her head and faced him, features pale and clammy. There were new bruises and a few cuts that can be seen all over her.

But despite of it all, she still smiled for him, a trail of blood leaving her lips.

"I'm gla-glad you're okay… protected Nezu..ko-chan."

Then her head lolled to the side as she fell unconscious. Tanjirou vaguely heard children crying out her name. Nezuko is scratching and crying in her box, worried and terrified.

"Tch," A tongue clicked. Tanjirou blinked. "Getting in my way."

Then Inosuke proceeded to kick Senritsu's unconscious body to dislodge his blades piercing through her, letting her flop on the grass without anything to keep her up.

The sight of more red spilling from Senritsu had Tanjirou seeing crimson and screaming for justice.

Before he knew it, he has already punched the boy in the torso out of the boiling rage that he felt, had a bout with him that ended in Tanjirou headbutting Inosuke right over his masked head. He doesn't want to admit it, but the crack that he heard when he knocked Inosuke's skull in is extremely satisfying.

The masked teen didn't last long and fell to the side in a heap.

Tanjirou may or may have pushed more force into that headbutt more than he intended.

But first, Senritsu.

It looked worst from the angle where he first saw Inosuke from where he was standing, but nonetheless, Senritsu is bleeding through her left shoulder, because of the jagged edges of Inosuke's sword, the stab wound is not a clean one and most likely painful, added to the fact that her other shoulder got dislocated earlier, the sprained left wrist, the cracked rib and the new bruises and cuts and well-bitten lip.

She must have been in so much pain.

Tanjirou gritted his teeth and heard it clack. He is mad at himself. Senritsu wouldn't have gotten this injured if she isn't so focused on him. Yes, Inosuke and the Tsuzumi Demon is mostly at fault but he can't help the guilt that gnawed his insides watching the terribly kind Senritsu bleed for protecting his sister. He is incredibly grateful for what Senritsu did, and that part of him makes way to the guilt that he feels, for being thankful that she is hurt instead of Nezuko. It is selfish of him, Tanjirou knows this much, to be happy that Nezuko isn't harmed that Senritsu is instead.

Some friend he is.

And knowing Senritsu, even only for the brief interactions they had so far, Tanjiro can tell that the girl would only reassure him that it is okay to feel that way, to have that human selfishness. It serves to make him feel so much worse for having such a gentle soul like Senritsu to be hurt and for him to be glad about it.

It's like he is taking advantage of her kindness.

It makes his stomach churn, and all he can do right now is take care of her wounds for now until they have found a place to recuperate properly. Putting away the guilt that he feels, Tanjirou focuses on bandaging Senritsu's shoulder wound with the best that he could right now. Not much of a choice, he takes off Senritsu's haori to not get in the way but he is not bold enough to take off more than that. Tanjirou takes off a generous piece of his haori and uses it as a make shift bandage to stem Senritsu's bleeding shoulder, securing it to be tight but not too tight.

She looks pale and her skin cold, Tanjirou probably said that out loud because Kiyoshi and Shouichi thrusted both of their haoris to him for Senritsu to use as a pillow and a blanket respectively, doubling the blanket with Senritsu's own haori. And if he is perhaps being completely negligent of Inosuke's half nakedness then nobody mentioned it.

(It doesn't feel right. To see someone who is comparable to being the manifestation of the sun in human form to be so pale and cold. Her bright golden hair is dirtied with blood and mud, the color of her skin waned and bruised in areas, and her eyes… it remained warm and kind as the day he met her, but the pain, fear and what could be guilt in them is palpable. Tanjirou hates that he has a part in putting those emotions in her gentle gaze.)

It's petty of him, but the other boy had done nothing to endear himself to Tanjirou. Antagonizing his friend, hurting her, jeopardizing their mission and trying to kill his sister, these reasons gave him reservation in playing nice with the wild teen. The thing is, Inosuke doesn't even smell like a bad person, maybe one of the reasons why Senritsu didn't even try to retaliate.

Inosuke smelled like the mountains, dirt and the wind draft in a sheer cliff above a rapid river. He smelled like pure determination, untamed pride and a manic survivor. It is a confusing scent which helped Tanjirou conclude that the boy lived in a forested mountain like him, and most likely survived through it all alone in the wild. There is nothing inherently malicious underlying the boy's scent, but there is the niggling of fear buried deep in the smell of desperation to prove himself to be the strongest. The boastful arrogance he masked himself in hides the instinctive fear that the boy honed to sense danger.

The theory of the boy living in the mountains alone is becoming stronger, an orphan perhaps, maybe that's why he has that strong sense for danger to detect the predators in his area, maybe the reason why he is desperate to become the strongest is to reassure himself that no one can harm him. The scars that littered the otherwise rosy pearlescent skin looked like marks from different manners of beast, some of them old, some of them new.

(Fear turned into a tool to survive. Like how Tanjirou used his fear to persevere to his goal and not fail Nezuko. Like how Senritsu used her fear to make herself stronger to protect her love ones.)

(It doesn't paint a pretty picture for the boy's childhood. He smelled clueless when Tanjirou asked him why he would even need to challenge anyone. He smelled like he believed that what he is doing is right because he might not know better. That the boy only knew the rules of the animal kingdom and not much else. Like an ignorant child who knows nothing of how the human world works.)

Sighing, Tanjirou took Senritsu's haori and placed it over Inosuke's prone form, making sure that the wild boy is lying down properly. Thinking better of it since Inosuke has broken ribs and a head injury, Tanjirou carefully took off the boy's mask and what he saw stunned him.

A peaceful face of a beautiful young woman greeted him. Pale rosy skin, comely graceful features and long dark lashes that brushed pass the boy's cheeks. Inosuke's face mismatches both his voice and his body, it is odd, but not the oddest face Tanjirou had seen. Maybe that's why he wears the boar mask, to appear more intimidating and unsettling. Or a buffer for wandering slave drivers.

That had been one of Senritsu's reason why she hid her femininity since she was young, though that didn't stop her traumatizing experience of being forcibly taken for three days when she was eight. His friend now suffers a general fear and anxiety towards unfamiliar adult men and paranoia to people who stares at her for too long. From what Tanjirou heard from her fearful recollection, the group of bandits were mercilessly haunted down by the furious group of Tomioka-san, Sabito-san, Urokadaki-san, Kuwajima-san and three others, with a murder of available kasugaigarasu as surveillance. Tanjirou himself had encountered those types of immoral people once when they tried to take little Nezuko away, thankfully his father and the other villagers came and chased those people running out of the mountain and the surrounding forest.

But enough of that depressing mind wander, Tanjirou still has to bury the dead left in the mansion. Now that the former lower moon is gone, the scent of old human blood and rotting flesh became more prominent in the air, most likely the work of a demon blood barrier to mask the revolting scent from outsiders.

His eyes caught sight of the broken body lying opposite across the clearing, it was the man from before who they were unable to save. Another arrow of guilt lodge to him and he swallowed it down to be more useful and replaced it with determination to do what he could right now. Tanjirou is determined to put these people's spirits to rest and pray for their soul's happiness either for their next life or their after life. They deserve it after having an ending filled with fear, grief, loneliness and despair.

"I need to bury all of them. It's the least that I can do."

Tanjirou stood up, intent on finding all the bodies that littered the mansion before roaming around the house to find tools that can help with the burying process.

"Tanjirou?" Kiyoshi asked inquired in a quiet manner. "What can we do to help?"

Freezing from his steps, he faced the three children standing awkwardly near Senritsu's prone form, a shot of gratefulness filled Tanjirou's heart, what thoughtful children they all are.

(The image of his younger siblings crossed his mind, all of them imploring him to let them help even just a little, their eyes shining with resolution that says they wouldn't take "no" for an answer.)

An easy smile adorned his lips, it was bittersweet with grief.

"Can you help me find tools to help with the burial? Don't worry, there are no longer demons inside the house, we three made sure of that."

The siblings communicated silently with their identical eyes, it was another painful reminder of what he had lost.

"We'll do it." Shouichi answered enthusiastically, his eyes darting to a grimacing Senritsu on the ground.

Tanjirou's smile lifted higher in his lips.

"Then I'll be counting on you."

When I finally got back to the world of consciousness, the first one to greet me upon my waking is pain. Unimaginable pain that makes me want to pass out again just to be numb to the sensation. Both of my shoulders burning into something fierce that I want to detach them from my body to try to end it all.

But then there's loud yelling from an unwelcomed gravelly voice and a reply from a familiar soft calm tenor.

As I continue to listen to the banter, I remembered the last few seconds before I blacked out from the pain.

My eyelids flew open and I tightened my hold to the soft thing that I was clutching, screeching the worries from my sleep-addled mind.

"TANJIROU!" For some reason the thing I'm holding suddenly jumped and froze.

I looked around at the forest that surrounded us before focusing my ears and peering down to see Tanjirou's worried face greeting me.

"It, Ne— Are," I started to hyperventilate, not good with a broken rib I tell you that much.

With my shaking free hand, I grabbed his chin and squashed his cheeks.

"Are you both alright? How is Nezuko-chan? The kids? Are you okay? Should you be up? Why are you awake? You should really res—"

"I'm fine!" Tanjirou cut me off before I can become the true Rap God to spew 500 words in one breath while hyperventilating.

"Come on," He smiled through squished cheeks, one hand coming up to touch my hand that held him in place. "Breathe with me."

For some reason, he looked sideways and glared heatedly at that direction, but I can't really focus on that when dark spots are starting to gather at the corner of my eyes.

Carefully, he extracted my now slack hand and placed my palm on the side of his neck, on there I could feel his larynx expanding and deflating to indicate that he is breathing.

That he is alive.

I carefully matched his rhythm, feeling his heartbeat at the tip of my fingers, calm and fluttering in healthy wingbeats. The constant he'salivehe'salivehe'salive rang repeatedly in my head as I tried my best to calm down and not inhale too much to not hurt myself. As my vision started to clear, I continue to stare into his kind burgundy eyes, encouragement, guilt and worry danced across them as they return the gaze.

It was calming me down more than the breathing exercise, steady as they always had been, kind and full of empathy.

Breathing cleared in a healthier pattern, with it, my modified hearing came back with blinding feedback of noise that gave me a massive headache and nausea. We're at a forest, the sound of the many rustling leaves over the treetops are starting scratch through my brain, the critters and the God forbid cicada came in louder and ringing through my skull, the earth beneath a steady hum of moving sand and shifting stones, breathing, moving muscles and flowing blood, three different heartbeats and different songs in their souls. And there's the pain. It came over me with such force that it left me wheezing and whimpering. All of it collided and mashed into an incomprehensible mess that makes me want to puke my guts out.

Vile rushed to my throat before I could control it, and thanks to Tanjirou's attentiveness, I was quickly and carefully deposited to the side of the dirt road where I did my dirty business of trying to haul my lungs out of my throat. A hand held my hair back out of my face to get them out of the spray while the other hand rubbed my back in soothing circles, Tanjirou hovered in anxiety, guilt and worry.

I don't know how long I did my business, but then I noticed I was crying, the redhead fussing over me like a worried mother and cleaning up my face with a handkerchief. Nezuko is making noises in her box that was placed down as soon as I started turning green, her muffled 'hm, hm' all concerned, asking me if I'm alright the best way she could with her circumstance.

I must look like a pathetic wreck right now. All banged up, crying and whimpering, a dog forgotten by their owner. This is all too much after an awakening, my brain is still pounding to the beat of my own heart, all the injuries I accumulated joining the crescendo of pain and misery and patheticness.

The world once again tilted to the left in a rush of colors and noise before it is stopped by a solid arm on my back, vaguely, I could hear Tanjirou asking me in cries of concern and panic. He sounds so far away, while someone else just huffed and grumbled, kicking a tree?

Giving my best to focus on one thing, with the power of determination, I managed to catch mellow burgundy eyes and fail at smiling reassuringly.

"… Fine, g-gonna rest. M'kay?" I managed to warble out, tongue getting heavier by the second.

Those impressive set of eyes turned shiny with restrained tears, guilt and something else entering those pretty eyes.

I frowned.

(She pouted.)

"N-No cry… gonna, gonna be fine. J-Just need… doc—tor an.. rest. M'kay?"

I narrowed my eyes at him as a semblance of glare, really, he got out facing a probable ex-lower moon demon alive, he shouldn't be guilty about anything. I should be the one feeling for not being too helpful with the assignment, being a deadweight as I am now. I'm happy that I managed to protect Nezuko, but the niggling guilt of being useless – ("Useless cripple! Why were you even born?! Why did God gave me such a useless defective daughter like you? Now I've wasted my years with having to support someone like you!") – nagged at my conscience.

"—hat's right, I'll get you a doctor okay, the best one. Just rest for now and I'll handle everything."

At some point, I drifted off to Tanjirou's soft tender care and soft reassuring voice, with me feeling like a pampered pile of burning garbage.

Hopefully, the next time I wake up, I am decidedly pain free and less of a garbage.

I woke up, feeling like a biodegradable trash rather than a non-biodegradable one. The pain was a dull ache at most, blissfully stomped down by high grade medicine, poultice and salves that I can smell from the bandages wrapping my torso and arms. It was thankfully non-offensive, a blessing for my returning senses.

It's quiet. We're still in the forest, that much is clear, but instead of outside, we're inside a mansion, thankfully a mansion with no signs of demon infestation. Opening my eyes, the first glimpse I could make out with my blurry vision is darkness, after a few more seconds of blinking and getting used to the dim lighting, I saw a solid ceiling made entirely of dark wood. Senses expanding further, I figured that I'm alone in the room, with the next room over containing Tanjirou and Inosuke and Nezuko, all three of them sleeping peacefully, around the center of the house is another calm heartbeat, it was slower and sluggish, an old person perhaps. On the other side of the house, another person is laid asleep, as peaceful as everyone else.

Figuring that I am now in a safer space was liberating, no sign of hostile intents in the nearby vicinity either.

Suddenly, all of what happened earlier came rushing down like a waterfall.

"Oh."

Oh.

Frustration bubbled over my skin, I felt incomparably small and alone, insignificant to the grand scheme of life plot and so, so angry at myself, for being useless.

Again.

The sob that came out of me is as pathetic as how I feel I am right now. Why can't I just do anything right? Why am I like this? Why am I so weak? Have I really changed from who I was before? Did I, did I even improve in the slightest? So what if I trained tirelessly until my calluses had calluses, it doesn't mean shit when I still can't do anything helpful.

Why am I so useless?

(Uselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuselessusel—)

Zero multiplied by zero is still zero, uselessness multiplied by uselessness is still useless. Me? Brave? Strong? Reliable? What a sack of horse crap. I can't even support my teammate right, how am I going to be useful?

I sat up despite all the protest that my body screeched at me, it was a battle on itself, but the sheer will to make myself feel pain or just to punish myself by feeling pain, was stronger. Tears fell from my eyes one after the other, joining the river of sorrow and helplessness of gloomy emotions. Figuring that I will not have the strength to stand and walk, I crawled. I crawled like the vermin that I am towards the paneled doors knowing that it would lead me to the engawa.

I just want to go outside, to not feel so alone and insignificant, left to suffocate in the darkness of the big empty room. I always disliked big spaces.

("Hey, don't you like going to the auditorium to practice? Why don't we live you here alone since you like it so much haha." "Wait don—" "Bye finger knubs! Don't worry, I'm sure someone will notice you here since I know that you won't stop screaming otherwise.")

The world sunk down beneath me before I could even take my first crawl, my face plopping to the soft futon and crumpled sheets in a painful and nearly suffocating manner. I stayed in that position, crying, unable to make myself move a muscle, both from the pain and the exhaustion weighing down on me in a physical, mental, and emotional sense. I stayed there until I passed out.

Once I opened my eyes again, it was to a pair of worried garnet eyes.

Omake: Tales of Manliness

~Zenitsu 9 years old~

~Sabito and Giyuu 14 years old~

~Kaigaku 10 years old~

Sabito listened with adept attentiveness at the words being spewed from his gentle-hearted friend. Why wouldn't he? It was a riveting tale of a man named Jonathan Joestar.

"Using the sword infused with Hamon energy, Jonathan managed to severe Dio's head from his body, pushing it off the tower with a powerful kick. But even though Dio was reduce as a severed head, he still managed to use a laser eyed attack that he called the Space Ripper Stingy Eyes, it managed to graze Jonathan as he plummeted down below into the darkness."

Beside Sabito, Giyuu grunted, getting Sen's attention.

"What's a laser eyes attack you say?"

Kaigaku twitched and grumbled to himself and Sabito vaguely heard the words "He didn't even say anything."

"Well… ahh… think of the la-laser this way as a, as a concentrated form of energy capable of disintegrating anything on its path. It g0-goes on a straight line and is produced by the eyes. T-That's why it's called a 'laser eyes attack'. Does that answer your question, Yuu?"

Yuu nodded then grunted again to let the girl continue.

…

"Wa-Wait, Dio's alive! How the hell did that happen?"

"Apparently, as a vampire, the heart doesn't really do anything anymore in their overall function. I think they only need the brain to continue. That's why he's still alive even though he's only a severed head now."

Zen let them process the surprising information before continuing.

"So he's really like a demon or maybe he is a demon but decided call himself something else. As expected of a narcissist."

"Of course Kaigaku would get that."

"What did you say you—"

"ANYWAYS," Zen interjected before anything could get worse.

"The fire on the ship kept getting larger and larger, knowing that nothing else there is he can do with his injured state, Jonathan hugged Dio's head close to his chest as he sat there, leaning on the ship's main mast. Dio seemed to know what's going on, Jonathan was planning for them to die together in that ship, to sink evil along with him. Unbidden to him, Dio's eyes welled up in tears, the person he had grown up with is leaving this world, after all, he was bitter, gleeful and hateful, but also saddened at the ending of their meeting in life."

She took a steadying breath, the tell-tale moisture was gathering in her eyes, a testament of her sensitive and kind heart. Sabito had never met a person that open with their emotions before until Sen came along. He deeply admires her strength at being true to herself, showcasing whatever there is to see in her heart.

"While the flaming ship was sinking, on the horizon, Erina watched the scene with sadness and grief, clutching the little life in her arms, bravery shining in her blue eyes, accepting the fact that her husband is no more."

Zen paused, wiping away the tears that were forming in her eyes.

"T-That day, Erina promised to herself that she will remain strong and care for the little ones she is carrying, that she'll make sure to tell the tale to the child growing in her womb, about the bravery of their father, of his deep love and sa-sacrifice."

Grabbing a handkerchief once again, she wiped away more of her tears as she gave a small smile.

"T-That's the end of Part I: Phantom Blood. What do you guys think of Jonathan?"

Sabito was quick to answer. "I think he has the essence of a true man. Taking responsibility to his brother, protecting those in need, his admirable sense of justice and his true kind heart."

"He's alright."

"He's an idiot, how lame it is to get bested by the dramatic narcissistic demon."

Sabito took that statement personally and chose violence to avenge Joestar-san's honor. It took a while for Zen to separate them, the disappointed look she gave him was not worth it but Kaigaku's bruised cheek is so much worth it.

~Taisho Secret~

Senritsu likes spicy and sweet food. And her rating of mild spice had once made Giyuu, Sabito and Urokodaki cry. Her excuse is that it was her first time making spicy curry and she didn't know that everyone around her has a cat's tongue for spice.

A/N: Ayoooo~ This is me after going through the stress of capstone project that in four day we would be in line for the defense. Damn, I hope you can all feel the self-doubt in this chapter because I poured my heart into that. Can you believe it? 97% of our paper (and even the ppt, their audacity) is made by me, the youngest of our group, like wtf if I don't move they won't do shit either and if they did their part it is utter horse shit so I have to redo it, goddamn. Good thing I am moderately smart and partly an insomniac. I can't even anymore, if we don't get approved then fine, I did my best and they just sat on their flatasses. I tried being harsh and more encouraging but some of my friends told me I suck at doing harsh on other people. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ok I'll just shut up now, just super stressed and frustrated by these inconsiderate people.

I hope you guys are doing better than me wherever you are. Also, check the KHR au I wrote, *wink wink nudge nudge* hehe. I'm just doing my best to stay positive and afloat, otherwise I'd go crazy at 18 and I only need one more year to get out of college hell, FUCCCCCKKKKKKKK is this what I get for entering grd 1 at 4? Ma, why did u do dis to me? I didn't even get to be a rebellious teenager QAQ.

Ok I'm done hehe, ignore that please. Nothing new to the eldest of an Asian household who expect great things from their kid. But seriously guys, I hope y'all are doing well wherever you are. Love you guysss~