AN: It's hard for me to write the emotions well for this chapter. Hopefully I'll get to revised it later. I hate how this one came out.

Love

She drew small circles on the large familiar rock with her finger. She watched as the drops of water that had dotted the boulder evaporate away, and she couldn't help but make a bitter smile at them. It reminded her so much of her. How she could evaporate like that if she didn't stick to the rules.

Maybe it would be better if she hadn't felt love.

Or fallen in love.

Who was that stupid asshole that said that it was better to love and lost than to never have loved at all? Or something around the lines of that. She had to remember to find that poor soul who made that up and send him to the burning fires of the seven hells. If he wasn't already there.

Fire.

Fresh tears welled in Botan's eyes. She was too tired to brush them back. She tried it before, but more just kept coming. So she eventually gave that up and watched as they spilled down her chin and land on the boulder. She tried so hard, she really did, to not think about him. But every thought she had would somehow remind her of him. Form the colors black and red to the sky because there was a cloud that looked like a dragon. Everything around her just screamed Hiei at her.

She couldn't get away from it.

And she didn't want to.

But she did.

And yet she didn't.

Botan was torn.

She didn't understand how a person who was heartbroken still want to be in love with the same person who broke their heart. It was just too absurd. But that's just how she felt. There was no understanding it. She didn't understand love. It gave her grief and happiness. It gave her the chance to have everything and it took everything away. If she was a regular human, she'd probably consider killing herself.

She's seen enough dead souls that killed themselves because of the person they fell in love with didn't love them back. Funny thing was, sometimes the person did love them back. They just never said so. But other times, they never even knew the person existed. Or there was nothing more than a friendship type of feeling. And with that came guilt.

Botan didn't know which situation she preferred with herself. Before, she thought that she'd choose the one in where the person had a friendship type of feeling towards her if she was ever placed in a situation like that. She figured that it was better to have some type of love given to her than none at all. Maybe her answer was still the same. Though she knew that she doubted it.

Why have uneasy tensions whenever they were both alone in a room? Why waste time with awkward moments and long periods of silence filled with guilt?

Botan sighed tiredly. Things were just too depressing lately. The whole week (Was it really a week? She couldn't remember) was filled with ups and downs. And just when she thought that everything was going to be alright, things just fell apart. That's just the way life works. Nothing ever goes your way. Everything was meant to disappoint. Nothing was a sure thing. Nothing was reliable. Life was a lie ready to smack you in the face with a 50 ton or more building.

Just as Botan thought these thoughts, she immediately shook her head.

No.

No.

She was not going to turn into a pessimistic. Sure life was hard, but she got through it fine, ne?

"I did get through it fine!" Botan said with restored determination. "I turned out fine after everything! Even if I did die."

She sat back down on the boulder. She didn't even notice when she stood up. Botan thought that maybe she was going a little crazy for talking to herself. She sighed dejectedly.

Think happy thoughts, Botan. Happy thoughts. Not thoughts of… Happy thoughts.

She repeated this over and over in her head. Maybe trying to be optimistic will help her. She thought of bunnies, rainbows, puppies, and her friends. Keiko and Yusuke were going to married soon! Maybe not until at least another year or two, but they were the only couple that she knew that was going to be married within the next decade. Botan thought of all the fun activities that she could do with the girls before the big, eventual day. There were pretty dresses that had to be selected, those cute invitations cards, presents that she'd have to go shopping for, and a party before the wedding!

Botan's happy thoughts down sad again.

A bachelorette party reminded her of her single status. And Hiei would mostly likely be at the wedding. She'd have to face him. Somehow a year or two didn't seem as long as it once did. Then Botan's stomach sank even lower. Also there was that reunion party in a few months too.

She wasn't scared of seeing him.

She was scared of not seeing him.

Or worst.

Seeing him with another female.

Despite the fact that the demon broke her heart twice within a week's span, she still wanted to see him. Even if it meant that her heart would be broken yet again. She was just stubborn. Or stupid. She preferred stubborn.

"Or maybe I'm just a baka onna," she said to herself with a sad smile.

She remembered years ago when a similar boulder was put on this very spot. It was to be like a head stone for her ashes. It wasn't very large. And over time, what few flowers were place on top of the over-turned earth and the boulder were soon gone. She knew because she visited this place at least once in a decade or two. It was strange visiting her own pile of ash that was once her original human body. Especially since the point of visiting a grave was to speak or have a sort of connection with the spirit of the person.

But it wasn't like someone else was going to visit her. Her brother didn't know that she was there. So it was just her, visiting her.

But there was a sort of peace visiting herself. She was able to think more clearly and steadily. She was more in tune with herself. So she had a new, bigger boulder placed there (though it did take a lot of time and effort) and this spot was her place.

It was her own. No one else's. Even if there was a city located a couple of minutes from there. No one came there.

So it was her place.

And she was willing to share it with someone.

And she still was.

"I'm a fool if I think that he's going to want me back," she said to herself. "Maybe it's time that I start thinking about letting him go."

The boulder with the tear stains gave her no answer.

"When do you think she'll be back here?" Keiko asked worriedly.

"Who knows? It's hard to say," Kuwabara replied.

"I thought for sure that she'll be here when I got back," Yukina said. She looked as if she was blaming herself. "If I had known that she'll be missing this long, then I would have followed her instead of staying with my brother."

"Who does that guy thinks he is?" Yusuke yelled, unable to take it anymore. "From what all of you have been telling me, it sounded like he really cared for her. It sure as hell looked that way when Botan was in trouble. And than one little problem that threatens their relationship shows up, and he's not even going to work it out with her and just give up?"

"What a coward!" Kuwabara, the fighter for love, agreed with Yusuke.

Yukina watched to two of them rant about how stupid and cowardly her brother was and how they were going to hurt him for hurting Botan. She tried to hide the pain that it caused her. Even though she did think that Hiei was being stupid on many levels, she didn't want him hurt.

"I do hope that Botan is alright."

"Hopefully she's in Reikai," Keiko replied, trying to be hopeful.

"Hopefully."

Kurama watched his friends, saying nothing. Keiko and Yukina were trying to cheer each other up. Yusuke and Kuwabara were planning vengeance for Botan. In another room, Genkai was making more tea and taking her time about it. Most likely trying to stay away from the noise being caused by her guests.

It had been two and a half weeks since the ultimate break up of Hiei and Botan. Four days since Yukina returned. Since that time, no one has heard from Botan. Yukina reported that Hiei was making himself busy with extensive and extreme training in Makai.

Kurama closed his eyes and sighed deeply. He wouldn't mind carrying out most of the punishments for Yusuke and Kuwabara, adding some of his own creative ones too. Kurama did still consider Hiei a friend, despite all that has happened. But friend or no, no one gets away with hurting Botan.

Pain gripped his heart of an image of Botan heartbroken. His hold on his teacup tightened so much that the cup shattered. This caused the room to become silent as everyone stared at him in shock and surprise.

"That better not be you breaking my teacups Yusuke!" Genkai barked from another room.

"It wasn't me you old hag!" Yusuke said, all the while his eyes never left the kitsune. "So Kurama, you want to talk?"

He put on his best smile that he could muster. "No, not really."

"Are you ok?" Keiko asked, her concerned brown eyes trying to search his green ones.

Relaxing his hand he said, "I'm fine. I just got a little carried away that's all. I'm sorry. I'll clean this up."

"Bullshit." Kurama's hand stopped short on a small piece of glass. His unreadable face turned to Yusuke. "We all know you enough to know that you're lying. Well maybe not all the time, but this time you're sloppy. That's not like you. So what's going on in that complex head of yours?"

Kurama mentally commended Yusuke for being, well… Yusuke. Once again, a wave of gratitude filled Kurama for being Yusuke's friend. He truly was a good friend. Kurama glanced at Kuwabara and saw a sort of determination there as well. Kuwabara wasn't going to let him get away without an explanation.

After the Makai tournament, he and Kuwabara got closer as friends. Though Kurama kept some things back during many of their conversations, he found it easy talking to the orange head. It wasn't like talking to Hiei or Yusuke. With them he talked almost freely. Almost. With Kuwabara, it was more calming because… while Kurama couldn't quiet place it yet. There was just something about Kuwabara.

Just like there was something about Yusuke and Hiei. Each had something special about them that set them apart and yet somehow, made them the same in some weird and absurd way.

It only took a moment for Kurama to find an answer. When he did, he gave Yusuke a slow smile. "Well what else could be in my complex head than complex thoughts?"

Yusuke cursed himself for using the word complex. Then he and Kuwabara gave each other a look and then gave one to Kurama. They wanted to have a serious one on one with him it seemed. Maybe he was losing his touch. Or maybe he wasn't even trying and didn't care. They weren't sure.

"Whatever you say Kurama," Yusuke said as if he didn't care. The sideway glance that he made told Kurama otherwise. Not that he needed the sign anyways.

He felt Yukina's eyes glancing at his direction every so often when she didn't think that anyone was noticing. He noticed. He also noticed that she didn't even try to hide it from him. But when he looked at her, he couldn't tell exactly what she was thinking. Vaguely he thought about how some people didn't give her as much credit that she deserved for her cunningness.

"Botan!"

Kurama snapped out of his thoughts and turned to see the ferry girl.

"Botan…"

"Are you ok? Where did you go? I was so worried for you!" Keiko rambled to the sad looking ferry girl and tightly embraced her at the same time. She was feeling overprotective for the blue haired woman.

The others all looked on worriedly at her too and all wanted to know the same thing: was she alright?

Botan gave them a smile. A weak, sad one, but she was just happy that at least she could give them a smile. "I'm f–" she stopped herself short and saw the faces of those around her. She swallowed. "I guess that I'm not all that fine."

She couldn't bring herself to lie. Not to them. Not after they've been so good to her.

"Damn it Botan, we were worried!" Yusuke yelled. Frustration clearly in his voice and features. "The next time that you decide to go run off to be by yourself because Hiei breaks your heart, can you at least try to reassure us that you are safe first?"

Botan flinched at his words and tone. Kurama glared at his friend. The warmth that he had felt earlier for the black haired man dissipated instantly.

Keiko released Botan to smack him hard. "Yusuke! What's the matter with you?"

"I'm sorry!" He yelled back at Keiko. Then he turned to Botan with a softer expression. His eyes searching hers. "I'm sorry Botan. You know that I don't mean it that way. I'm just so frustrated with Hiei. And what he did to you, it wasn't right."

Botan's vision became blurred. "Thank you Yusuke." She hugged him. "You don't know how much that means to me. And I thought that I had already cried all my tears away. But I don't think that they want to stop now."

Yusuke patted her back. But he smiled at her as she soaked his shirt.

Keiko laughed at how her boyfriend could make Botan cry and make her feel better all in the same moment. She also laughed because a tear managed to form and fall down her cheek without her knowing.

"And you don't have to worry Botan. We'll give Hiei a personal message saying why he should never make you cry," Kuwabara said with a fire blazing in his eyes while he clenched his fists and made a pose.

Botan felt herself release a soft giggle from her lips. Maybe she couldn't be happy at the moment or anytime soon, but for now, she'd settle for a sort of contentment for just being with her friends.

She took a step away from Yusuke and apologized for wetting his shirt.

"Nah, its fine," he shrugged it off.

Botan made another smile for all of them. But as she faced Yukina, she couldn't look into the shorter girl's eyes. They were too red. Too deep. Too soon. Too much of him. And somehow Yukina understood and closed her eyes.

Botan squeezed her hands with gratitude.

It wasn't until two hours later that Kurama finally got to talk to Botan by himself. They stepped outside the house and he watched as she took a deep breath from the outside world.

"You know it's funny," she said staring at the night sky. "No matter how many times I breathe, I always feel alive with each breathe. Every time clear air comes in and out of me, I always feel like my life is just starting." She turned to see his green eyes. "It's stupid, ne?"

"I don't think so. Dieing men know this well too. Life is precious. It shouldn't be taken for granted. Each breathe is a reminder that you are alive. So it isn't all that farfetched that breathing is associated with life."

Botan nodded at his words. "We aren't talking about the same thing, are we?"

He smiled charmingly at her. "Does it ever hurt to breathe?"

"Sometimes."

Kurama regarded her carefully, as if she was going to collapse any moment.

"But not all the time," Botan said hastily. "Hardly. Really. And they barely hurt too. I can hardly feel it half the next. If I do feel it. Because, like I said, it doesn't really hurt all that much. In fact, I lied. I feel no pain whatsoever when I breathe. I'm perfectly fine at breathing. I'm a master at it." She drew in a deep breathe. "See, this is me breathing feeling nothing but air going into my airway."

He laughed at her antics. "Fine. I'll drop it."

She sighed with relief. Kurama mentally smiled for having her cheered up a little.

"Do you know what's it's like to be human?"

It came out of his mouth. He didn't know why he said it. Kurama kicked himself inside and made his face look neutral. He didn't want her to see that he wasn't expecting that question too. Plus he was worried that the question would bring up some painful memories for her.

She was confused at the question, but thought for an answer to give him. "It's been so long since I actually was a real human. I mostly just have memories of my past and some emotions that I can still feel up to today. To be human? I don't think that I know the answer. I don't think that a lot of humans know the answer to that either. In truth I don't really understand the question."

Kurama smiled as she laughed nervously. "It's fine if you don't know. It was just something that I had in my mind for a while."

"Are you having problems at home? I can't imagine you having any difficulties."

"No. Nothing of the like. Everyone is fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Now, how do you feel?"

"Really Kurama. I thought that I explained it enough already that I'm alright."

He gave her a look.

"Hehe, I mean I will be fine."

Does that mean…?

"Botan?"

Is she willing to…

"Hm?" She looked at him. He had gotten closer to her. Very close. Her heart started to beat faster and her eyes widen.

…move on?

"If anything happens to you, I don't know what I'd do."

"Kurama?" She saw something in his eyes, on his face. Something very familiar. She's seen it often enough to not know what it was. Thinking back on it, how could she have missed it? It was right there in front of her all this time.

Her mouth went dry. Somehow, she knew what he was going to say next.

"I love you, Botan."