Disclaimer: If I didn't say itbefore, I do not own these characters. Or the songs.

In the manga, Koenma overthrew his father from ruling Reikai if I'm correct. If he didn't, then this story will have that detail. And please pardon my grammar errors.

"I would rather live and love where death is king than
have eternal life where love is not."
- Robert G. Ingersoll

Help

"I love you, Botan."

She still had her eyes wide open. She opened her mouth to say… anything. Well she wanted to say something. Anything would do.

"…"

The worst part about this was that she was expecting this. Even though it was only a second before he said anything, she should have been able to come up with some sort of answer or reply for him. Heck, even a rejection sounded good now, even if she didn't want to hurt him.

Instead, all that was in her mind was, I love you, Botan I love you, Botan I love you, Botan I love you, Botan I love you, Botan I love you, Botan…

And it wasn't Hiei's voice. The man in front of her wasn't Hiei.

Her mouth spoke with her knowing, and if she did know in advance it would be without her consent, "I love Hiei."

Kurama closed his eyes and nodded. "I know."

She was about to say something, perhaps to try and comfort him, but he continued, "I had originally intended to let you know of my feelings, and possibly take care of you from this… difficulty." Botan tried to say something again, and again he cut her off. "It's ok. Because from your answer, I realized that it's ok for me to tell you of my feelings despite your sadness to it."

A tear rolled down Botan's cheek. "But I hurt you. I'm so sorry. Maybe after some time, I could–"

"No."

"W–What?"

He pressed a finger to her lips. "Shh. I said no."

"Kurama…"

"Shh..."

She knew that she was hurting him. Telling her why was hurting him. So why couldn't he just let her stop him? She didn't want to hurt him. She already made her friends worry too much with her disappearance. And Hiei… He was hurt because of what she couldn't be. Why can't Kurama help her save himself from the pain that he's putting himself through?

What she is making him go through.

"I don't understand," she said against his finger. She couldn't stop the next tear rolling down her face.

Her big, glassy eyes weakened his resolve. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and hold her tight. But he held himself. If anything, Kurama prided himself in holding himself back when he felt his emotions peek.

"When someone tells you that they love you, it is a good thing. It is always good to know that someone loves you. That way, no matter what, you know that you are not alone," Kurama said softly. He wiped away a tear with his thumb. "Even when you don't feel the same way, you should at least be happy that someone cares for you a great deal." He took a deep breath. "So please, at least tell me that you are ok. Even if it's just a little."

Botan could not take the emotions that swarm inside her any longer. A burst of tears fell and a short sob broke out. She grabbed Kurama and held on to him. "I'm sorry. I really wish that I could love you."

The red head placed his hand on her back and forced himself to not hug her in return. Because if he did, he was afraid that he might not be able to hold himself. "No, you don't. But thank you all the same for trying not to make me feel even worst."

Botan hiccupped.

"Do you understand now?" he asked, wiping away some of the tears that strayed away from her eyes.

She nodded. "I'm ok now."

She wiped away the rest of her tears and took several breaths. It took a while, but she managed to calm herself so that she was no longer crying and the only remains of her out burst were her red, puff eyes. Botan gave him her best smile at the moment, though it was still shaky.

Kurama curved a part of his lips upward. It wasn't that he couldn't plaster on a smile, it was that he didn't want to. He didn't want to give her something fake, not after all that has happened to her. She needed something real. Something that was true, and unbeknownst to him, it was something that would remain in her mind for next couple of hundreds of years; that slight upward curve of his lips while looking down at her with the saddest eyes that she will ever see on his face.

Kurama could have walked away from her at that moment. He knew that she would have taken it as a signal to follow and they could once again rejoin their friends. They would make up some story as to why her eyes are red and puffy and they will all laugh minutes later to some stupid joke or whatnot. He probably should have done just that. The kitsune was not at his strongest at the moment.

So when Botan move her hand to touch the corner of his upturn lip, he grabbed it, held it close and broke.

"Botan, may I kiss you?"

And once again Botan was torn.

"Please, just this once," he asked so softly that she almost didn't hear him.

And once more, Botan didn't know what to say. Should she say yes so that it could be some sort of penance for not being able to grant him happiness, or should she say no because she could not picture herself kissing anyone but Hiei?

Kurama was not thinking. He moved closer to her so that his nose barely touched hers. "Please."

At the last microsecond, before he could brush his lips with hers, Botan turned her head.

"I'm sorry, I can't."

Kurama dropped his head and chuckled. It was sad and nearly broke Botan's heart all over again. Not because she rejected him again, but because she reduced the legendary Youko Kurama to nothing but a sad (maybe broken) man.

"Kurama…"

"I'm fine, really," he swatted her raising arm. "I should have expected that. Must be losing my touch. But I couldn't help myself. I hope that you can forgive me."

Botan nodded, dazed. "Of course." Then she started to walk back to Genkai's before she did something else to hurt one of her dearest friend. When she turned back, he was still standing where she had left him. "Are you coming inside?"

He waved her off. "In a minute. I want to enjoy the cool breeze a little more."

When she finally went inside, Kurama let one tear that he had been holding to fall. He didn't want her to see him cry. It would have made his reassurance to her pointless and she would have felt even worst than before. But because he loved her so much, he could not let that happen to her.

Love did not make him do stupid things. Love made him feel things that made him do stupid things. There was a difference.

Perhaps one day he will find someone like Botan. Someone that smiled so much that it brought a smile to his own face. Someone so cheerful and happy that it was contagious. Maybe one day he will.

"Did you see which direction Botan came from?"

Kurama blinked. That sounded like Yusuke.

"No. I only saw her once she got into the house."

That was Kuwabara.

"Then what good are you, you pea brain!"

"At least I could sense where he is, unlike you!"

"If you could feel him, why don't you show me where he is then!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"I'm right here," Kurama emerged from the trees before they could start fighting.

Kuwabara and Yusuke pulled back their fists once they saw him. Yusuke dusted off his shirt from the dust. "So, you want to talk now."

Kurama stared hard at the both of them, weighing his options. "Sure, I can talk now."

Reikai was usually a very chaotic place that made Koenma wonder how any work gets done half the time. Ogres were running around to do one file and bring another file to another ogre. Ferry girls were mostly either relaxing on their time off or worrying about the soul they had recently lost.

Koenma was so glad that at least one of his ferry girls had not lost a single soul. He was just dishearten that she would not be working for quiet a while.

Being one of Botan's closest friends over the hundreds of years that he had known her, Koenma did know where she would be located once she fled back to Ningenkai. It wasn't that he stalked her or anything; the burial place of her body just happened to be in the records. Plus, many ferry girls who were once human tend to visit their own grave so it wasn't that uncommon. Especially if they were emotionally unstable.

Plus Koenma wasn't in the sharing mood when he learned that Yusuke and the others were worried about Botan. He really should have told them that she was fine.

But he didn't want any of them to disturb her while she was still mourning. If they knew that he knew where she was all along, they would hate him for it. And if he told them earlier that she was alright, they would demand to know where she was and go after her, which Botan did not need.

So Koenma opted for them not knowing anything at all. Being ruler of Reikai meant that some information must be kept secret.

"Jorge," Koenma called.

"Yes Koenma-sama?" the obedient ogre replied.

"I don't feel like doing any of this paperwork right now," Koenma pushed the large pile of papers to Jorge. "Here, why don't you do it for me?"

Jorge fell upon the heavy weight of all the papers. "But Koenma-sama!"

But Koenma had already left the room.

He walked by the numerous ferry girls and ogres. None of them caught his interest. None of them were Botan. He sighed.

Part of being ruler of Reikai meant that some information must be kept secret, like his love for Botan. One too many people already knew his secret, he didn't plan on any more knowing it. That includes Botan herself. It was bad enough that she was in love with someone else, but to be rejected as well?

No thank you.

He couldn't call himself brave because he knew that he really wasn't. He was only brave when he absolutely had to be. This did not include professing undying love to a girl.

So Koenma decided that he would do the next best thing: he'll do whatever he can to make Botan happy. Even if it's not with him. And though he cannot afford to use his own power again to save her, he knew something else that could.

Koenma opened a pair of large doors that revealed an even bigger vault. Once he turned the correct combination, he waited for the door to open itself and then waved his hand to alert the guards inside that it was him. Koenma personally made sure that that treasure vault would not be robbed so easily again. He walk passed the guards and into another room that was filled with some everyday looking books, chairs, plants, and others of the like.

Many of them were glittering spectacularly in the light, but Koenma ignored them all until he reached a circular object with a small chain. He picked it up and took special care to not look at the mirror.

"If you can't do it, I don't know what will."

"…tatoe ashita nakushite mo anata o ushinatte mo dekiru kagiri no egao de kayagakitai…" Keiko sang. In the background, Botan cheered while Yukina refilled their cups. "…namida de ima yobi kakeru yakusoku nado iranai kimi ga kureta taisetsu na tsuyosa dakara."

"…hitomi de ima yobi kakeru yakusoku nado iranai hitomi de ima te o nobasu samui yoru mo," Botan finished with Keiko.

"That was wonderful," Yukina clapped.

"Let's wait for the score," Botan stared at the screen. "Alright, Keiko got a 97!"

"Pretty good, Keiko," Genkai said. "It's my turn now." She took the microphone from Keiko and searched through the selections of songs. In the end, she picked Utada Hikaru's Final Distance. "Ki ni naru noni kikenai, oyogitsukarete kimi made mukuchi ni naru."

"I wonder what's taking the guys so long," Keiko wondered as she dropped to the couch and listened to Genkai's slightly raspy voice.

"I don't know. They've been gone for over an hour already," Yukina said.

Botan tried to not look guilty or sad. She had an idea as to why they weren't back yet, but she didn't want to voice it out to her friends. It could be for a different reason entirely.

"Aitai noni mienai nami ni osarete. Mata sukoshi tooku naru…"

"Are ok now, Botan?" Keiko asked.

"I fine now, Keiko. Really, I am," the ferry assured her friend.

"Are you going to stay here for a while?" Keiko asked. But the way that she said it made Botan wonder if there was more to it than what she was just saying.

"I don't know. Maybe for a day or two…" Botan tailed off.

"Maybe you should go back to Reikai."

Botan's heart stopped. "Excuse me?"

Keiko quickly shook her hands. "I don't mean it in that way, it's just that… I don't want what happened to you to happen again."

"Where have you been since I last saw you at Makai?" Yukina asked.

Botan's eyes became clouded as she remembered where she had been. "I was just visiting someone that I once knew."

"Mamorenai toki keep on trying, baby. Yakusoku doori janai kedo trust me Muri wa shinai shugi demo Kimi to nara shite mite mo ii yo."

"But it wasn't like I've been disobeying the rules," Botan added as an afterthought.

Keiko relaxed. All the times that she wanted Botan to just visit her more often made her feel guilty. What kind of effects did she put her friend through just so she could see her and say hi? Or to just complain to about Yusuke when he was being a jerk? Again. "Good. We've really been worried about you, since, you know…"

Botan grabbed the other girl's hand. "I know. Thank you."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to ask," Yukina was picking how to phrase her words. She really didn't want to ask now, but she felt that her brother did deserve some good too, even if he did hurt Botan a whole lot.

"Hm?" Botan looked at the ice maiden.

"About Hiei…"

Botan turned her attention to Genkai's singing.

"I wanna be with you now. Futari de distance mitsumete."

"I know that you must be mad at him. And it must be painful to hear his name."

"Ima nara maniau kara. We can start over. Kotoba de tsutaetai."

"But what are you going to do now?"

"I wanna be with you now."

Botan had been thinking about the same thing for a long while. There were many different possibilities that she considered, but none of them really led her to any real happiness as far as she could see. She really needed to think more about what she wanted.

Even if she still did want Hiei.

"Sono uchi ni distance mou."

Maybe she should try and get over him.

"Dakishimerareru you ni nareru yo."

Or maybe she could learn to fight to win him back.

"We should stay together."

The possibilities were endless.

"Yappari I need to be with you."

"I honestly don't know," Botan answered.

Koenma was a dead man. Is a dead man. Whatever he told himself, Koenma still couldn't believe that he went to Makai without any escort whatsoever and without telling anyone. Well he did tell Jorge, but he also told the ogre to not tell anyone.

And then add to the fact that he went there unannounced.

Koenma gulped and then straightened his resolve. He was there for a reason and he would not leave until he was done. So he stood upright and went to go look for a rare demon that will be willing to help him. And that hopefully he wouldn't have to use his powers to defend himself, or else it might attract unwanted attention.

Maybe he if he could walk silently, he could find Hiei before…

"It is rude to walk into a territory without properly announcing yourself." Koenma could feel a sharp object behind his back. "Especially one who holds a high position in Reikai."

"I suppose that I just have an early death wish," Koenma said and slowly turned around. He was met with surprise. It was an elf. "What are you doing here?" Koenma shut his mouth up. It wasn't the first thing that came to his mind to say to the elf, so he was very embarrassed.

"I am Takeru," he gave a slight bow.

Koenma coughed, still embarrassed. "So, um… you work for Mukuro or Hiei."

"Both. Mostly for Hiei."

Koenma raised an eyebrow. How very unusual. "Is Hiei around?"

Takeru didn't answer right away. "I'll take you to him."

The elf turned around and led the ruler of Reikai around the trees, demons preparing to go into search parties for any humans, and into a castle with many long halls. When he finally stopped, Koenma nearly bumped into him for he was too busy staring at the ground, wondering how to say what he wanted to say to Hiei.

Takeru opened a door and pointed to room. "Hiei is right in there."

"Thank you," Koenma said and walked inside. There was no one there. Koenma became confused and looked back to Takeru. But the blond haired elf only waved back and shut the door. "What am I supposed to do in an empty room?"

"He never said that it was empty."

Koenma turned around again to find Hiei this time. "I really wish that you wouldn't do that," he grumbled.

"What do you want?" Hiei asked, leaning against the furthest wall from Koenma.

"I wanted to tell you something," was the reply.

There was no response.

Koenma didn't know what to make of that. "I think that I can help."

Hiei got up from the wall. "This doesn't concern you."

"The hell it does!" Koenma yelled. He was getting angry. "Botan is my best ferry girl and one of my closet friends. Her being sad right now is caused by you. And because she is sad, I'm going to try to make her happy. So it does concern me."

Hiei was tired of this. He was tried of the silent inquires that he got from some of the demons that he was usually grouped with on patrol, of Mukuro's sudden desire to stay near him for as long as possible, Takeru's glances to make sure that he was ok, and most of all, he was tired of yelling at himself in his own head.

He didn't need it from Koenma. He was just lucky that Kurama didn't stop by just to make him go on a guilt trip too and that Yusuke didn't just happened to be in the neighborhood too.

Most of all, he was just damn tired of everyone not understanding that he just wanted to be alone.

"Get out," Hiei ordered.

If Koenma wasn't so angry, he would have been shock with the order. Hiei didn't order HIM around. It wasn't that longer ago when Koenma was the one who gave Hiei orders either. Well, it was more of bribes than orders. "No. Not until you hear me out."

"Hn." Hiei walked out of the room. "You'll be waiting for a while."

"Hiei! Come back here!" Koenma quickly followed suit and halted. There was no one in the halls. Koenma said under his breath, "Damn it."

Koenma didn't know what made him think that Hiei would just accept his proposal. Maybe it was all the romance novels that he read when he was bored. However, Koenma still didn't think that Hiei would not talk or even acknowledge his presence for four days!

He was beginning to wonder if it was worth it.

An image of Botan on the floor crying came to his mind.

It had to be worth it. If anything, Koenma would do whatever he could afford to help her.

But that didn't mean that he had to be patient. Four days in this place was boring. No one would talk to him (not that he minded) and the one person who did was constantly busy while the other person that he desperately needed to talk to kept avoiding him. For now, Koenma was thanking his lucky stars that at least he had a place to sleep.

Elves are so nice. He should have some employed in Reikai. Why aren't there any elves working for Reikai? They're very dependable.

"Koenma-san?" Speaking of elves.

"Hai?" Koenma took his eyes off the patrol group that Hiei normally was in and that was just heading out. But he couldn't find the smallest one there.

"Hiei wants to talk with you," Takeru said.

"He's not going on patrol?" Koenma asked, surprised.

Takeru smiled, faintly embarrassed. "No. Not today."

"Ok." Once again, Koenma followed the blonde hair elf to Hiei. On the way, he tried to summon the anger that he held whenever Hiei refused to meet with him in the last four days. He had a lot pinned up inside him and he was more than willing to share his mood with Hiei.

Takeru opened a door for Koenma. Hiei was waiting for him.

Koenma glared at him. Hiei glared at him. Takeru slipped out of the room.

"Well? You summoned me here," Koenma said ruefully but still glaring, he really didn't want to be the one to start things first. "Want do you want?"

"What do you want?"

Koenma looked at him surprised. Didn't he just ask that question? "Me?"

"Why are you still here?" Hiei asked annoyed. "What do you want?"

"After four days, this is all you ask me?" Koenma wasn't going to hold back anymore. "The first day I came here, I told you that I could help you. I still could help you. But you being such a bastard, I don't know if I should. It's not like you've done anything to deserve it."

Hiei continued to glare at him. "After four days, that's all you have to tell me?"

Koenma felt like pulling at his hair. "And you're not even talking to me seriously. What the hell is wrong with you? Don't you care about anybody but yourself?"

Hiei stiffened. "You shouldn't talk about things that you know nothing about."

Koenma didn't see Hiei's hand moving to his back. So he challenged, "Don't I?"

Hiei smirked. "Oh I forgot. You have it all in that little file that you have of me. Did you catch up on your reading? What else did that file tell you? The recent tragedy that occurred or about the numerous killings I've done?"

"For a guy who claims that he doesn't want pity," Koenma sneered, "you sure don't act like it. You whine and you groan, declaring that no one can understand you. Well guess what, you're a poster boy for pity."

"At least I'm not in denial about my age," Hiei shot back.

"This is how I look in Reikai years!"

The two glared. Koenma turned into his teenage body. Once he realized that he just proved Hiei's point, he scowled. This was not how he pictured it would be to convince him that he was only trying to help.

"I'm here because I want to help." Koenma said, resigning. For Botan, he was willing to hold his anger.

"I think that I've been knocked on the head," Hiei looked at the ceiling with feign interest, as if something fell on his head. "Because you just said that you wanted to help when I didn't ask for any."

"I'm not doing this for you," Koenma snapped. "I'd much rather have Kurama in your place."

"Then why don't you go talk to him? He has feelings for her too."

"But she loves you!" Koenma heaved.

Silence.

Koenma didn't think that there could be silence during their argument. But there it was. Complete and utter silence. And Koenma couldn't stand it. But he found that he couldn't say a word. Nothing came out and his mouth was firmly held in a thin line.

The words, But she loves you hung in the air. It was there when Koenma found that he had no chance. He knew it when he prepared himself to go to Makai, but it never really hit until now. Now he was too busy trying to speak than to worry about his realization.

"Just let me help," he managed to say.

"Go back to Reikai."

"No!"

"I'm trying to be nice to you," Hiei leered, who was obviously trying not to lose his temper. "Now go back before I throw you out myself."

"I'd like to see you try," Koenma said, not believing him.

Hiei marched over to him, grabbed him by his shirt and was ready to throw Koenma.

"I can't believe that she still wants you!" Koenma yelled, very much still angry and half afraid of being thrown out.

"Perhaps I want her still," Hiei whispered and dropped the ruler of Reikai. Koenma could see that he was looking off to a distance. As if he was talking to himself. "I've tried to not think about her and not see her. And in the end she's the one who came back to me."

"Botan's a strong girl," Koenma commented quietly and got up.

Hiei snapped out of his transfixion and scowled.

Koenma gave up and sighed. "Fine. Do what you want."

As Koenma walked to the door, Hiei said, "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going back to Reikai," was the answer.

"I meant about helping," Hiei scowled. "You can be worst than Kuwabara."

"Do you mean that you'll accept my help?" Koenma asked hopefully.

"Thought that you said that you weren't helping me?"

"I said that I wasn't doing it for you. You just happen to be the one that makes Botan happy.." Koenma pulled out the mirror from his pocket. "This is what I have in mind."

Botan walked with less joy than she normally had than she usually did. Her smile was less bright, but everyone was glad that at least she was smiling. Ogres and other ferry girls smiled brightly at her.

"Hey Jorge, is he back yet?" Botan asked the blue ogre.

"Iie, Koenma-san isn't back yet," Jorge shook his head.

"Do you know where he is?"

Jorge started to sweat. "Um… No. That is, I have no idea where he is. Maybe he's at Ningenkai?"

Botan looked at him suspiciously. "Are you sure?"

Jorge sweated even more. Fortunately, he was saved by Koenma before he could say anything.

"Jorge! I hope that most of the paperwork is done. And page Botan for me. Oh, hi Botan. Good to see that you're here. Come with me to my office," Koenma dragged his poor ferry girl into his office and shut the door. A moment later, Koenma opened it. "Jorge if you could handle these papers too, thank you."

Jorge was left in another pile of paperwork.

Inside his office, Koenma had Botan sit down.

"Koenma-san, where have you been? No one could your location out of Jorge. Were you having a secret get-away?" Botan had her cat face on.

Koenma sighed. She was ever the romantic despite her heartbreak. "No, I did not have a romance while I was away. Sorry to disappoint. But I do have a present for you."

This got Botan curiosity. It also brought her some pained memories because Hiei used to bring her presents.

"But it depends, if you want to be with Hiei," Koenma continued cautiously.

"Of course I do," Botan answer automatically, to Koenma's surprised. He thought that she would take some time to think about it. After all, Hiei did break her heart twice. "I want to be with him. I love him. Nothing is going to change that." Her eyes misted. "Even if he could refuse me a third or even a fourth time, I want to be with him. And I know that he wants to be with me too. He's just too stubborn to realize it."

"For some reason, I never really took you as a fighter," the king of Reikai mused. "Maybe Hiei is rubbing off a little too much on you."

Botan blinked. She meant what she said. She was going to fight. When she saw how Kuwabara continuously try to get Yukina's attention and to love him the way that he loved her all these years, she thought, why can't she do the same? And besides, it would be kind of funny that both twins will be persuaded to fall in love.

"Are you sure that this is what you what?" Koenma asked her.

"Yes. I really do. I love him. I would do anything for him," Botan said sincerely.

"I'll hold that to you." Koenma then showed her the same object that he showed Hiei. "And I'll give this to you to borrow."

It was a mirror. However, Botan didn't see her reflection.