No, I don't own the rights to this book or the movie inspired by this book. That goes right to the poor Nick Sparks who makes a living selling this stuff. Angry movie fans, please direct your hatred towards the e-mail button, not towards the comment oneas I haven't got time for cowardly anonny-mice biting my ankles.
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Opening credits. A random teenager screams. The music is way too perky for such a "depressing" film. A Car pulls up in a street lit with blue
Blonde Skank: Is he here yet?
Brunette Skank: He's scared! Nancy boy!
Token Black Guy: I gotta drain the lizard!
As he starts peeing, a red car with license plates "COMPNSATN" nearly hits him. It drives past Brunette Skank, who is force-feeding her tongue to Main Jerk. Out of the car steps Redeemable Jerk Landon Carter.
Landon: (all demanding, smooth and cocksure) The prince demands beer.
Brunette skank: Ahh raka aa aata saal!
Landon: What?
Brunette skank: (Removing her tongue from Main jerk's tonsils) I said we drank it all back at the high school.
Landon: What were we doing at high school? We're old enough to drink… hell, we look almost old enough to be able to co-sign. … Not that I'd do that… I'm tough and mean and answer to nobody.
Brunette and Blonde: …
Landon: … You drank it all? The whole case?
Blonde: We had to do something to loosen ourselves and get rid of our hang-ups… (gives Landon a seductive look) didn't we?
Black Guy: And to promote the fact that you're the mean ones by engaging in destructive teenage habits, therefore illustrating the heroes change and the purity of the female lead.
Everyone: … …
Blonde: Shut up, Eric!
Eric: (Is so thrilled to be given a name that he does shut up, oblivious to the fact that his name will only be uttered about three times during the film)
They wait around for a while. Main Jerk decides to get violent and rude with the ladies.
Brunette: (Whiny) I waana go back to the daa-aance!
Landon: I don't dance. I'm mean!
A little mini-car, obviously uncool and nerdish, pulls up. Out steps typical out crowd boy (who is handsome in an offbeat way). He leaves his car parked by the three other 'cool' cars, which promptly pick on the poor mini-car for being different.
Main Jerk: Look at that car, man! It's not like ours! Ha!
Landon: I know! Ha-ha!
Auxiliary Jerk: His clothes are different, too! Hey, dude! Your clothes are different!
Outcrowd boy: Mmm.
Main Jerk: You're late! Grrr! (Steps up to him, trying to scare him)
Landon: Down, boy. DOWN!
Main Jerk marks his territory and walks off, hair high so that they all know he's the top dog
Landon: Don't worry. We're thinking of getting him fixed.
The group walks over to a water tower which overlooks a shallow quarry. They all sit
Main Jerk: Ok, kid! You jump off of that rickety platform into the water and well let you into our group! Got it?
Boy: (Looks up at tower) (Looks down into water) So you want me to strip off all my clothes and leave them here with my keys… where you could easily run off with them…
Main Jerk: Yop!
Boy: And climb up that rusty metal tetanus-encrusted ladder…
Main Jerk: Uh-hu
Boy: And dive off of that fifty foot tower into about two feet of dirty sludgewater?
Main Jerk: Right, right.
Boy: And assuming I survive this stunt for your entertainment, I'll become a member of your in-crowd where I'll be able to laugh at others and make everyone feel like nothing, the way you made me feel ever since we met?
Jerk: Uhhh... you get to make out with the skank of your choice, too.
Brunette skank: Plus the dental plan is great!
Kid: … … Well, you've sold me!
The kid strips. Main Jerk surreptitiously makes a note of the boy's slender neck, his lightly freckled arms, and his legs, which are, in his opinion, meaty and satisfying. Shaking off such lustful thoughts, he quickly frenches Brunette skank as the desperate boy darts off and climbs up the tower, followed by Landon. Below, the in-crowd watches. Blonde has a box of gummy bears and Auxiliary jerk has popcorn.
Main Jerk: Wooo! Yeah! UUUH!
Boy: (Looking down) Umm… Hey, guys? Did you all go through the same initiation to get into this group?
Auxiliary jerk: Uhh… well… (Yelling up) Sorry, can't hear you! Dive off and come here and ask us again!
Boy: (Turns to Landon) But just tell me, did you---
Landon: (Cutting him off) Sorry, I can't hear you when you're not succumbing to peer-pressure.
Boy: …?
Landon: I'll go with you. Ok? (Smiles sincerely) One… two… Three!
The poor desperate child jumps from the platform, while Landon stays behind. About halfway down, the kid realizes that this probably wasn't the best of ideas
Boy: AAASPLAT
In-Crowd: Ha-ha-ha! Tee-hee-hee! Ho-ho-ho! Hee-hee-hee
Kid comes floating up, not moving
In-Crowd: … …
Kid: Floooat
In-crowd: …
Brunette: OMG He's huuuurt!
Landon: (Thinking) Hurt? Let's see… circumstantial evidence, plus bad kid track record… times angry parents with lawyers… divided by liability… equals… Oh squit
Landon climbs in to help the floating kid. He is given unhelpful advice from the others on the dock, such as "Hurry!" and "Get him out! Now! He's hurt!" He scoops up the kid, not bothering to support his head, despite the fact that it's entirely likely he's sustained a head or neck injury.
Landon: He must have hit something! Like this pipe or … some reeds…
Or maybe the floor, hu, smart one?
Night watchman: Hey! You damn kids!
Those not in the water: EEEK! Authority figure! Our one weakness! Run like chipmunks!
Watchman: (Calls for the police)
Landon: (Still not supporting the kid's now bleeding head) Umm… guys? … Buddys? … You wouldn't leave one of your pals here… wouja?
In-crowd: (Runs back, assists boy out of the water, then run away, not bothering to take into account that the watchman might notice the unconscious nubile young lad and take him to the hospital where he might I.D. the rest of them.)
Landon: (Watches them go) (Turns to Boy) Hey… hey, you ok?
Boy: (Unconscious)
Landon: … Umm… so… no hard feelings about this, right?
Boy: (Unconscious)
Landon: I mean.. you're one of us, so… no need to hold us liable or anything, or even I.D. us!
Boy: (Not getting any more conscious)
Landon: (Singing) If you waive the right to sue, don't clap your hands! If you waive the right to sue, don't clap your hands!
Police: A-ha!
Landon: (Still singing) If you waive the right to sue, shift the blame from me to you, if you--- (Looks up at police) Aww peas.
Landon takes off, making sure to grab his designer jeans along the way. He hops into his car and speeds off, but is cut off by a squad car
Police Officer: (Coming out of the car and walking up to Landon)
Landon: Er… hello, officer! Nice night for a dri---(Gets maced)
Next Week: Part II. In Which Landon gets what's coming to him, Eric sets the race back about fifty years, and we're introduced to the Non-Prostitot female lead.