I wonder... are there are any other sappy teen romance movies that I can make observations on? I'll have to find some.
Scene: Cafeteria
Landon: (Sitting by Jamie) Watcha reading?
Jamie: A book
Landon: Would I like it?
Jamie: Not really, there's nothing to color.
Landon: Come on, I'm trying to be nice CoughAndgetsomeCough
Jamie: (Oblivious) Reading this is part of my to-do list. (Drinks some orange juice) Mmm… vitamin Ceelicious.
Landon: Come on, let's hang out. I've got a room all to myself, with a cooler filled with juice box.
Jamie: (Gets up and runs away)
Landon: Damn… too much.
He follows her out of the school
Jamie: Go away, I don't wanna be your friend.
Landon: I don't wanna be just your friend!
Jamie: Ew.
Landon: (All forceful and romantic and manly) You want to be with me, too, Jamie. And you're scared.
Romantic audience: Ooooohhh! He's so forceful and manly!
Cynical audience: That's sexual harassment. And you don't have to take it.
Jamie: They're right; I don't. (Jumps into her Godmobile and drives away)
Scene: Landon's place
Eric is listening to some Missy E
Eric: Wheee!
Landon: Turn it down! I can't concentrate on screwing this in with all that music!
Eric: Come on… you love the token black guy routine.
Landon: … God help me, I do.
Eric: (Puts in one of Landon's CD's) Woah, what's this?
Landon: Jamie's Sweatin' to the Scriptures CD. She lent it to me.
Observant Audience: Wait… I thought she didn't want to be friends… Watch out, Eric! Don't fall through the plothole again!
Eric: Oh great. You've been brainwashed by the Christ Crispies.
Landon: She's not like that!
Eric: (Pouting) I can't stand this! She's stealing you from us!
Landon: … (Feels bad)
Scene: Jamie's house
Jamie's on the porch, reading a book, emitting holy light. Landon comes up to her, holding a gift in a bag
Jamie: Grrr… (Spots gift) ooo, what's that?
Landon: For you.
Jamie: What is it?
Landon: A gift. Um… don't open it until I'm fifteen to thirty feet away.
Jamie: Uhh…
Landon: Heh… just kidding! (Backs away) Ok… bye! (Swaggers off, past Pastor Sullivan)
Landon: (Thinking) Phase one of Operation: Seduce Jamie is a success!
Jamie opens it to find a sweater.
Romantic audience: AWWWW! That's so Sweeeet!
Cynical audience: Isn't that… sort of insulting?
Pastor Sullivan: You know he just wants to… … you know.
Jamie: Hmm?
Pastor Sullivan: Boys like that have just one thing on their minds.
Jamie: College?
Pastor Sullivan: No…
Jamie: Society's standards?
Pastor Sullivan: No. They… expect things.
Jamie: You mean like radical social change?
Pastor Sullivan: Nevermind. Just remember that God is watching you.
Jamie: (Looks up and waves, then kisses her dad and goes off to do pure things)
Pastor Sullivan: (Blushes) … Easy, man… remember the bible…
Scene: Landon's home
Landon is cooking some steam while his mom watches and shreds a green leafy veggie
Mom: Your dad says he saw you at the play.
Landon: He's not my Daddy. He left us.
Mom: You know---
Landon: (Holding up his hand) Frwooooooshhhh…
Scene: School
Eric and blonde skank and auxiliary jerk are looking at pictures of Jamie.
Eric: I think she out-hots you in this picture.
Blonde Skank: No she doesn't!
Auxiliay Jerk: Oh, but she does.
Blonde Skank: I'll show you… I'll turn her hotness against her. You'll see. You'll all see!
Auxiliary Jerk: (Gasp) You don't mean…
Blonde Skank: Yes… We're going to… digitally alter pictures of herwith photoshop 5.0! Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!
Auxiliary Jerk: How dastardly!
So the mean ol' kids superimpose Jamie's face (rather crappily) onto the body of a very hot supermodel and print off billions of copies and hand them around school. It's a wonder they find time to do homework. Soon, Jamie comes down the hallway, pleasantly unaware of anything sinister. Blonde skank runs up to her
Blonde Skank: Hi, Jamie
Jamie: Hi… (Clutches her cross and is prepared to shout "Get thee gone, Satan!")
Blonde skank: I'm sowwwyyy.
Jamie?
Slashy audience: You only hurt the ones you love…
Blonde skank: Forgivsies?
Jamie: Umm…
Blonde skank: Let's celebrate our friendship with a best friends lunch, ok?
Slashy audience: (Thinks of a few inappropriate "cunning linguist" comments that could be made right now)
They walk into lunch, Jamie smiling serenely. Blonde skank holds up the picture of her. Jamie doesn't notice it, 'cause she's too busy looking around. Seems that everyone has a piece of paper and is laughing.
Audience: Damn… when did they print all of those?
Blonde skank: A-HEM! (Wiggles the picture to get Jamie's attention)
Jamie: Hm? (Sees the picture of her) Wowo, what a slut… oh, wait, that's me! Oh, goodness! Why didn't I know about this before, even though it seems that they were handing these out at the school entrance and, aside from that, everyone has one! (Shellshocked again)
Audience: Wow… that is one crappy superimposed picture. How can they even tell it's her face, in fact?
Observant audience: They could have at least made the model's body black and white to match the face.
Jamie: (Runs away, straight into Landon, who holds her)
Landon: OOoof! Owww, watch where you're--- oh, hi Jamie! What's up?
Jamie: (Cries)
Landon: Why… you're upset!
Romantic audience: Ohhh, what a sensitive, intuitive boyfriend.
Cynical Audience: (Stares incredulously at romantic audience)
Landon: I'll take care of this! (Walks up to main jerk and shoves him)
Main jerk: Grrrr! (Shoves him back)
Brunette skank: Hey, don't shove him!
Main jerk: GROWLLL! Shut up, woman! (Turns around, right into Landon's fist) Ow! I'm not your friend anymore! We're through! We're over! Finito!
Slashy audience: Aww… regretable. Bet the sex was fiery and passionate.
Main jerk: You're not my friend! I hate you! … You smell! … I hate you! Moron!
Brunette skank: Wow… he's been using that word-a-day beer dispenser I bought him.
Outside, Jamie and Landon are walking to the parking lot
Landon: That must have been traumatic. I'll take you home.
And, true to his word, he takes her home. In the car in front of her house, she's finally calmed down
Landon: (Thinking) Unrxpected phase- play the hero: success. Now … on to phase three: the actual seduction!
Jamie: I'll be ok… Thanks for rescuing me, though I've probably missed all of my afternoon classes. And thanks for driving me home in your car, even though I've got my own car.
Landon: Sure! … Wanna go out with me?
Jamie: Yes—I mean no! …No… I've… got… a… thing… a thing where… my dad won't let me date people.
Landon: I could pretend to be a tree… or a penguin.
Jamie: You know what I mean.
Landon: Yeah, yeah… (thinking) Damn… and I was excited about buying a tree costume, too…
Scene: Church
Pastor Sullivan is reading his bible, making sure that it's absolutely positively against him dating his young new hotness.
Pastor Sullivan: (Crossing out parts of it) This is juuust fiiiine…
Landon walks in, and Pastor Sullivan throws his pen behind him
Pastor Sullivan: Oh, nothing!
Landon: I didn't see nothing! … Er… so… mind if I take your daughter to dinner on Saturday?
Pastor Sullivan: She, um… doesn't eat.
Landon: Mind if I take her to a movie?
Pastor Sullivan: I most certainly do mind.
Landon: Pwetty pwease?
Pastor Sullivan: (Ignores him)
Landon: With sugar and ice-cream on top?
Pastor Sullivan: Talk to the elbow, it's not worth the extension.
Landon: Wow… I didn't know people still said that…
Pastor Sullivan: Go away.
Landon: Well, ok… but I did happen to see you eyeballing Jamie at the play.
Pastor Sullivan: …
Cut to Jamie and Landon at a fancy outdoor restaurant
Romantic audience: Awww, she's wearing the sweater he gave her!
Cynical audience: Everyone else is in spring attire… is she anemic or something?
Landon: Order whatever you want, babycakes! (Flashes his mom's diner's card)
Jamie: (Smiley emocon)
It takes her a split second to finish off two entrees, a basket of breadsticks and a few glasses of tea. She's polishing off a cake, when the waiter comes. Landon, it seems, hasn't taken a bite of his cake
Waiter: Everything ok? (Takes their plates) … Wow… she sure can eat…
Landon: Tell me about it… where does it all go?
Jamie: Hm? What was that?
Landon: (Quickly) Nothing! Aa-ha-ha-ha…
Jamie: Oh… let's dance!
Landon: Er… Landon doesn't dance.
Jamie: Oh?
Landon: Yeah! I'm mean… Oh, wait, no I'm not… that was a front. I just never learned to dance.
Jamie: Sure you can. Pleeeeease?
Landon: I'll need some cajoling.
Jamie: (Flashes a sweet/sorta pleading look)
Landon: Sold!
The two run up to the dance stage, where two old couples are dancing. They awkwardly begin to dance.
Landon: (does the obligatory stepping on her foot) Ooops! Sorry.
Cynical audience: That wasn't an accident; you were looking right at your feet.
Landon: Er… (Making small talk) So, about that list… I have one, too. My number one goal is graduating from high school.
Cynical audience: Good luck with that.
Jaded audience: A real man of ambitions, that one.
Jamie: You can do better'n that!
They continue to dance under the stars. After a while, they're driving on some road. Landon stops the car.
Jamie: Double you tee eff?
Landon: You'll see.
He has her stand on the road.
Landon: This is the state boarder. So one foot is there, one foot's there… voila! Two places at once!
Romantic audience: AWWW!
Cynical audience: That doesn't count…
Slashy audience: Are we in the mid-west? 'Cause I'm sensin' some corn…
Landon: See? Just like on your list!
Cynical audience: He's making fun of you again…
Jamie hugs him tightly. Cut to the two of them in the car.
Landon: I have a fine selection of tattoos here. So which do you like, madamne?
Jaded audience: (Mimicking) Bought it with my own quarter, Jamie!
Landon: (Ignoring the audience) How 'bout the butterfly? It's my favo--- I mean, it's pretty… like you. So, where do you want it?
Cynical audience: (Snicker)
Romantic audience: SHHHH! You know what he meant.
Jamie pulls down the strap of her dress and indicates her shoulder. Landon gulps, but then regains his composure and puts the tattoo on her. He peels it away, and the image of a butterfly is perfectly on her shoulder, despite the fact that he didn't wait two minutes, as the directions clearly state. He blows on her tattoo to "dry it". Nobody believes that. Landon touches her shoulder. His fingers slide down to the tattoo, then slowly trail off of her shoulder.
Romantic audience: Oooo, romantic touching… fingertips…
Cynical audience: (Vomits)
Movie Theatre Employee: (muttering) I told them that we needed to equip the seats with airsick bags if we were going to show this movie, but nooooo…
Boyfriends that were dragged to see this: (Furiously take notes)
Slashy audience: (Pretends Jamie is a man)
Landon looks up and smiles with his amazingly pouty lips. Jamie smiles, too, and it seems that they're wearing the same brand of pale pink lipstick. In the next scene, the two are walking along the pier.
Jamie: So you have no faith, eh?
Landon: Nope.
Jamie: Well… faith is like… the wind.
The wind miraculously blows right at that moment
Jamie: I can just… feeeel it.
Landon: … Wow… can you make it rain next?
Jamie: Nope. One miracle per day.
Landon: Oh… Ok, enough romantic tension. Kissy time! I mean… (Voice drops an octave and becomes a whisper) I might kiss you…
Jamie: Oh… my first kiss… I'm sorry if I'm not good at it…
Observant audience: First kiss? WTF? Amnesia much?
Landon: (In his I'm-being-seductive voice) You'll do just fine…
He puts one hand on her face, tilts his head and kisses her.
Romantic audience: OH! So innocent, and loving and pure!
Cynical audience: That never happens in real life.
Slashy Audience: (Pretends Landon is a woman with a really butch haircut) Yeeeah… that's good stuff.
Landon: (Pulls away and Whispers) Jamie… I love you.
Romantic audience: (Squeals)
Jaded audience: Oh, yeah, sure.
Cynical audience: Oldest line in the book.
Romantic audience member One: What? You're so bitter! Haven't you ever been in love? Haven't you ever felt that way before?
Cynical audience member one: I think I did once… but it turned out to be stomach flu.
Landon: Come on… say it back.
Jamie: But I told you not to fall in love with me…
Landon: (Realizing he broke his promise and is a bad, bad Landon) (Gets over it and kisses her again)