Here we are at the end. Hope I've entertained people. If you know of any romantic wonky teen movies that I can download and "observe" tell me and I'll probably try it out.
Scene: Landon's house
Landon: Hey, mom! Come help me with another self-bettering montage!
Mom: Sure thing!
And so mommy teaches him to dance. The montage fades to him dancing with Jamie on her porch. Later on, Landon is at the cemetery, fixing up a telescope Auxiliary jerk comes by
Auxiliary Jerk: … Want some help?
Landon: That'd be nice.
Landon goes to work measuring some things. Later on, Jamie is napping in her bedroom when she's awakened by what sounds like titanium nails on a chalkboard. She gets up to investigate, and sees that Landon is building something.
Pastor Sullivan: Does he have to do that right here? And while you're napping?
Jamie: (Stares at her dad with wide eyes)
Pastor Sullivan: (blushing) Why… Jamie, I never knew you felt this way…
Jamie: (Faints into his arms)
Pastor Sullivan: JAMIE!
Cynical audience: How convenient that she just happened to save her fainting fit for when someone was there to catch her.
Observant audience: WTF? She never fainted before!
Romantic audience: (Glares)
Jamie is rushed to the hospital. Landon waits by her side in her room (which also looks like a hotel room). She is hooked up to a heart monitor and has tubes in her arms and nose. A single light from behind her illuminates her as Landon holds her tube-infused hand.
Cynical audience: Drama queen…
Landon: (Looks dramatically at the heart monitor) I… I wish I knew what that meant.
He stays with her all night, at one point even sleeping next to her, right on (apparently) her tube-infused arm (Ouch). Fortunately, when Pastor Sullivan peeks into the room the next day, Landon is sitting where he was. Pastor Sullivan walks into the room.
Pastor Sullivan: Mind if I---
Landon: I'm not sleepy. Tube-encrusted arms make good mattresses.
Pastor Sullivan: But I need a minute alone with Jamie… just a minute.
Landon: (Exits thinking) It'll take more than a minute for you to get it up… (Wades his way through the sap and violin music)
Jamie: (Weakly) Da...ddy…
Cynical Audience: Drama Queen.
Pastor Sullivan: Let's reminisce about when you were young…
Jamie: (Smiles)
Pastor Sullivan: It'll be a good way to lead into your dead mom… which is where this is going.
Jamie: (Whispering in a voice near death) I love you…
Romantic audience: Sniff…
Cynical audience shakes their heads, wondering how she can bear to make her poor old widowed dad cry with lines like that.
Scene: Landon's Porch
Blonde skank runs up to Landon, this time wearing something not-so-skanky. We finally see where Jamie's ponytail disappeared to.
Blonde Skank: Everyone's saying sorry, and I never miss out on a trend! I'm sorry, too! I may be a vindictive bitch, but my mom taught me never to be mean to a girl dying of leukemia!
Landon: (Doesn't recognize her when she's not being mean or frowning)
Blonde skank: And… it's cool that you're with her.
Cynical Audience: You mean "Score! What're the chances of him hooking up with someone that'll be dead in a few scenes! I'll just act nice now, shed a few tears at the funeral and BAM! Makeup slash Comfort sex!"
In the next scene, Landon is visiting dying!Jamie. He's flipping through a magazine when she begins to wake up. He rushes to her.
Landon: How're you feeling? (Kisses her for the seventy-billionth time and sits on he bed)
Jamie: Ok… the dramatic lighting of the room and the soft romantic colors are a nice touch, don't you think? … Um… you're sitting on my tube-riddled arm.
Landon: Oh, right... sorry. (Gets up)
Jamie: Here you go- my dead mom's diary. I think you'll be able to put it to better use now. I mean… we've only known each other for a few months, but… well, that's like years with my short lifespan.
Landon: (Kisses her yet again) Let me read a few passages. Here's one about friends. Aw, that's nice. Here's one about being yourself. Nice! … And somehow appropriate.
Cynical Audience: Five bucks says the next one's, about love.
Landon: Love is—
Cynical Audience: A-ha.
Romantic audience: SSSSSHHH!
Romantic audience stares and tears up as Landon reads that old "love is" poster that's in every single school on earth. Cynical and Jaded audience just kinda looks bored, and mildly sickened when Jamie starts reciting it with him.
Jamie: I was thinking… God has a big plan for me… bigger than even my list.
Observant Audience: Uhh… isn't that one of the givens of a super-devout believer such as yourself?
Jamie does a really dramatic little monologue, complete with dramatic pauses and breathy voice. Despite feeling a little sorry for her, jaded audience kinda wishes she'd just die already. Jamie, seeing that Landon's not crying, but is about to break, takes a deep breath, and puts on a brave smile. Observant audience braces for the big emotional impact. Jamie waits for a tiny break in the violin music.
Jamie: (Breathily) You're my angel…
Landon and Romantic Audience: WAAAAAAHHHH!
Cynical audience: Drama queen.
Landon: (Kisses her again)
Slashy Audence: Deja Vu.
In the next scene, Jamie's very alive body is being wheeled out of her room.
Landon: Double you tee eff?
Pastor Sullivan: You remember your dad?
Landon: My no good, rotten, walking out on me, won't-even-cure-my-girlfriend's-cancer dad? Yeah… I remember him.
Pastor Sullivan: He's going to pay for private expensive home care for her.
Landon: Oh… well then... shoot…
So Landon goes to his dad's house, once again, in the middle of the night and knocks on his door
Dad: (Sleepily) Have you any concept of night and day? … oh… (Sees that his son is doing that manly crying thing where there are tears, but no actual crying because the Cliché Romantic Movies 4 Stoopid Teens Council (The CRM4STC) has made it illegal for male leads to actually cry on camera)
Landon: (Manly voice breaking) Thank you… for helping a girl you've never actually been introduced to just to make me… h-h-happy… (Shakes)
Dad: Aww, come here, my sexy, sobbing, wet-faced son… (Hugs him) Whose back and arms are all muscle-y and who smells of manly cologne… my beautiful legal-age son…
Slashy Audience: OMG! CARTERCEST! It was so obvious the whole time! OTP!
Scene: Sullivan's Yard
Pastor Sullivan: Landon, do you even go home anymore?
Landon: Nope. I'm building Jamie's telescope so she can see the comet before she dies.
Pastor Sullivan: Yeah, I know. Sometime between her fainting and now, we've become friends and I'm helping with the telescope.
Landon: Oh.. I… forgot.
They somehow finish by the next night, when Jamie and Landon are on her balcony with her telescope. Landon and Jamie, as usual, are holding each-other. Cynical Audience does a collective eyeball roll.
Jamie: It's the most interesting telescope I've ever seen.
Landon: Go on… use it.
Jamie: Ok, but I'm so reluctant to let go of you…
Landon: And I you…
Romantic audience: What passionate lovers…
Cynical audience: (Throws up)
Observant Audience: That's not love. That's addiction. And it's not healthy or cute.
Jamie looks through the telescope for two seconds and sees the comet because the telescope just happened to be in the exact right position and needed no adjusting.
Jamie: Oooo… now I can die.
Landon: … All that work just for that tiny bit of viewing… oh, well, I won't dwell on it. (Sits next to her) Do you love me?
Jamie: Yes…
Landon: Will you do something for me?
Jamie: Anything…
Jaded audience: (Snickers)
Romantic Audience: What? What's so funny about that?
Jaded audience: (Snickers) "Well, Jamie, it's not gonna suck itself"
Slashy audience: (Snickers, too)
Landon: (Whispers) Will you marry me?
Jamie: (Dramatic smile and her eyes say yes... somehow)
Romantic audience: (Cheers)
Observant audience: She's gonna die in two… ohhh, I see… sacrament of consummation, eh? And then she dies right before it has a chance to get boring… Oh, we're on to you, Landon…
Jaded audience: Just wait 'till he sees how much weddings cost. Ohhhh, no, the bride's parents pay for it… oh, we're on to you, Landon…
And so they get married in Jamie's dead mom's church, as was on her list. Landon doesn't look too bad in his suit, and Jamie, wearing a Virgin Mary veil, looks radiant--- too radiant for someone dying of leukemia.
Wedding attendant: I thought she was dying of leukemia and bed ridden.
Other wedding attendant: I think it gave her the day off for her wedding.
Wedding Attendant: What a thoughtful illness!
It takes a full montage for her to walk up to the alter. The music in the background is the same song she sang in the play. Everyone's there, including Auxiliary jerk and Eric. Main jerk seems to have been sacrificed to the almighty plot hole and is not there.
Pastor Sullivan: Love is patient, ect, ect.
Landon: (Whispering asPastor Sullivan istalking) I love you.
Pastor Sullivan: Ssshhh.
Landon: Sorry.
Jamie: (Mouthing back) I love you.
Pastor Sullivan: That goes for you, too, princess.
Jamie: He started it.
Pastor Sullivan: It is never jealous… (Looks at his sexy dying kid sadly when he says jealous)
Observant audience: He's not even looking at the words.
There's a montage of wedding vows.
Landon: I, Landon Carter.. do solemnly swear… to tell the truth… the whole truth… and nothing but--- (Pastor Sullivan whispers in his ear) Oh, right! Sorry. I'm just so used to having to say that…
Girl from the play: You picked a reee-eeal winner there, Jamie.
Landon's voiceover: My love Jamie and I had a wonderful loving summer full of love together… and we were in love. Then she died. And that made me sad.
Cynical Audience: Finally…
Jaded audience: Bet that solved the argument about who got the last piece of wedding cake.
Landon's Voiceover: I'm still alive, four years later. Apparently… leukemia isn't contagious. I never knew that.
Landon is going to visit Pastor Sullivan
Pastor Sullivan: Hi there, Landon. So, what's been happening these four years? Hurry, we've only got a few minutes left before end credits.
Landon: I, of course, got into med school. And… here. (Gives him Jamie's mom's book) I'm… sorry she never…got to see her miracle…
Pastor Sullivan: You were her miracle. Watching you… um…
Cynical audience: Watching him transform from a self-centered jerk? The fact that he managed to break through her Purity McPrudence act and actually like her? What?
Pastor Sullivan: Umm… let's just leave it at you were her miracle.
Landon: … (Looks as though he's going to cry)
In the next scene, Landon is walking by the pier mournfully.
Landon's voice-over: I miss my dead wife… but she taught me a lot… Like… never dismiss the hotness of a girl with a ponytail… because she can turn out to be hot. And also… leukemia is really bad and makes people cry. But it's not contagious. Our love is like the wind… it comes when the director cues it up. … (Whispering) I love you, Jamie…
End credits roll
Romantic Audience: That was so beautiful…
Cynical audience: That was two hours of my life that I'll never get back.
Romantic audience: Oh, hush. One day you'll find true love
Cynical Audience: Yeah probably… Leukemia is on the rise.
Jaded audience: Well at least the ending was funny…
Slashy audience: Landon/Pastor SullivanOTP.
Observant audience: You know… it took longer for them to fall in love than it did for her to die.
That's basically the entire movie. You've done the reading, so how 'bout a little review?