"I Do"

Chapter 12

Bloodlines

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Misato was desperately trying to figure out who she should shoot first: herself, her new husband who was sitting in the passenger seat, or the two women in the backseat who were making her life hell.

While Kaji was not rubbing it in, she could tell by his smirk what he was thinking. She had little doubt that this marriage would not dissuade him from still flirting with the female staff at NERV; he enjoyed it too much. She was certain that if the EVAs had breasts, he would be trying to score with them as well.

For no reasons that the techs could discern, all three EVA units shivered for a second.

At a stop light, she cast a glance to the rearview mirror, catching sight of Rei Ikari. The girl had in a span of several hours, got ten people married, destroyed several corridors in NERV HQ, and proven how ineffective their security forces were. Now while Misato still had no idea how the First Child had managed to talk her into signing that marriage agreement, she had no doubts that the deviousness of that girl knew no bounds.

No, Rei was up to something, she could feel it.

No, wait; that was Kaji's hand on her thigh. "Remove it now, Kaji, or I'll shoot it off."

As he did so, she thought of the other woman in her car: Asuka Soryu. The girl seemed desperate to win Shinji; if for no other reason than because she couldn't have him. Now while Misato had always teased the redhead that she seemed to desire to simply waltz into Shinji's room and take him, she was beginning to doubt the Second Child's sanity. The redhead had been on the receiving end of the angered wife's rage on a few occasions, and still she pursued a relationship with Shinji.

Yes, the Second Child was most definitely due for another psych exam.

"Pilot Soryu, remove your hand from my husband's thigh. It is not yours to touch."

"It was an accident. Blame Misato's driving."

"The Captain's driving is not responsible for you acting as you were. Now remove the hand from my husband, or I shall rip it off and beat you with it. You know I am capable of it. Or do you wish another demonstration of what happened in the infirmary."

Misato growled. "Asuka, touch Shinji and I will shoot you. Rei, use your AT Field in my car and I will shoot Shinji."

"Hey! What did I do?"

"Not like my gun will work against your wife." She paused at another stop light. "Kaji, I will shoot you, now remove your hand from my thigh!"

Kaji sighed. "Well, I was hoping for an exciting honeymoon."

The sound of her gun cocking was all that stopped Kaji's laugh at his own joke. "Mister, I have been having a bad week. Now, we finally can move back into our home, Rei ends up trashing the hospital and placing the Commander in a coma—"

"I was not aware he was in the bed when I threw it after Pilot Soryu."

Misato took another breath, trying to keep hold of her sanity. "Listen, I just want to get home, and forget this day ever happened. Tomorrow, Rei and I are going down to the Court house, and getting an annulment."

"Aw, you're not the same woman I married."

Kaji's comment caused Misato to discharge her weapon through the open passenger window, sniping a pigeon. "Any other comments?"

The rest of the ride was silent.

Misato opened the door to her apartment.

"SURPRISE!"

And immediately wished she hadn't holstered her weapon.

Kasumi smiled. "You know, Misato. I am very upset I wasn't invited to your wedding."

A twitch developed. "We're getting it annulled tomorrow."

"Oh, and there were such high hopes that you two could make it work. Why, it seemed like only yesterday you two got married."

"IT WAS SEVEN HOURS AGO!" Misato was frantically trying not to shoot Kasumi, but she could be just so damn irritating at times. Sighing she turned to the others, before glaring at Ranma. Before she could open her mouth, Kaji answered for her.

"Cousin, what are you doing here?"

"COUSIN?"

Kaji scratched his head. "Yep. Ranma here is my cousin."

Misato could only stare with her mouth wide open. "Wait a second, you two are related?"

Ranma nodded towards her. "I told you that in college, but you still kept assuming I was trying to steal him from you."

"Time out!" cried Asuka. "What do you mean by that?"

"Oh, Ranma-kun has a curse that turns him female whenever he is splashed by cold water." Kasumi proceeded to pour her glass of cold water over him, changing him to a her.

Rei blinked. "Interesting." She had the sudden need to obtain a sample, and proclaim him a guinea pig. She had had one once, but the thing just kept running away.

How was she supposed to learn biology if the thing wouldn't stay on the examination tray?

Asuka blinked. This new woman looked like her. Same blue eyes, same red hair, same pissed off expression that said someone was going to die.

"Misato, could you please stop grabbing my husband's chest?"

Well, Asuka always wanted Misato's room.

Kaji sighed. "No wonder I've had so much trouble with her. My wife prefers women."

Misato had the decency to blush, before stepping back.

Kaji smiled. "So, cousin, what brings you here?"

Ranma smiled. "Well, remember that woman who visited us a few years ago?"

"Oh, you mean Kyoko?"

Nabiki nodded. "Yes. Well, it appears when she returned to the past, she was carrying a parting gift from my husband."

Kaji blinked, before turning to Asuka. "You know, I do kinda see the resemblance."

"What the hell is going on here?" screamed Misato.

Nabiki smiled as she returned her husband to male. "Simple, really. Kyoko came from the past, got knocked up while having sex with my husband and myself, and returned to the past to have a daughter who now pilots a giant robot."

"Rei?"

Nabiki blinked. "Does Rei look like Ranma in either form?" she screamed.

Misato blinked. "Well, they tilt their heads the same."

"No, you drunken idiot! We mean Asuka!"

She turned towards the pilot. "Nope, not seeing it."

After everyone else recovered from the face fault, including a penguin who knew he hadn't had enough beer...or perhaps too much—the two were so hard to tell apart anymore—Asuka finally spoke. "Huh?"

Rei turned to her husband. "Does this mean that all this time, Pilot Soryu was really a boy, and thus I was the target of her perversions?"

"DIE!" screamed the obsessed redhead.

"Well," said Ranma, as the two girls fought, "she took that better than expected."

Finally, after two hours, four gender changes, five bullets, one abused male pilot, and four hundred and eight "Oh my!" exclamations from Kasumi, the group had finally settled down.

"So my mom was a slut."

Well, Asuka was taking it slightly better than everyone thought she was.

Ranma tried to keep calm. "We had too much to drink, she was a little freaked about being in a future apocalyptic world, and yes; my wife has a wild streak...a very wild streak." He looked at her. "I make no excuses, and I am sorry she was killed by contaminants that drove her mad, but she was not a slut."

"Then where did Pilot Soryu learn that behavior?"

Asuka stared at the First Child with anger.

Everyone else stared at Kaji as if he was the reason. "What?"

"I am not a slut!"

"Then perhaps you would care to explain why you keep attempting to seduce Shinji-kun?"

"Oh, that isn't very proper, Asuka."

"Oh, why does my daughter act like my wife?"

"RANMA NO BAKA!"

Misato looked at the mallet. She could feel its unlimited power calling to her, demanding she embrace it. I'll ask Nabiki how she produced that later.

After pulling his head out from the wall, Ranma went over to his daughter. "Asuka, I know I haven't been there for you, with the whole different time period thingy. But since I had learned of your existence, I must inform you that what you are doing will really cause chaos and get you in trouble."

"I will not lose to the doll."

"I am not a doll, I am a wife."

Ranma sighed. "Seems like their marriage sort of ended the battle."

"I will not lose!"

"Sounds like her daddy."

"Not helping, Biki-chan."

"Fine then." She walked over to her step-daughter, which sounded weird to her, considering the girl was almost fifteen and her husband was almost twenty seven.

Nabiki held Asuka by her shoulders. "Asuka, you need to use your head. If you keep this up, you'll only end up destroying yourself."

Rei interrupted her. "She will not need to. I am more than capable of destroying Pilot Soryu. It is only the lack of a replacement pilot that is stopping me."

Asuka could only look with deep thought. "Use my brain..." Of course; I've been trying to do this the wrong way. The baka obviously can't function with my perfection in front of him. I have to outthink my prey. She walked into her room, sliding the door shut.

"Nabiki, do you know what you just did?"

Nabiki stared at her husband, not knowing what he was getting at.

Ranma sighed. "You just told a person who is Saotome by blood, to use her brain. Do you know how dangerous that is?"

Shinji shrank into the corner. Must run away! Must run away! Must run away! Must run away! Must run away!

"Come on, Koi. What's the worst she can do?"

Kaji lit up a normal cigarette. "Well, that just doomed him."

Kasumi sighed as she poured herself some more tea. She had so liked her job at NERV.

Shinji did not like the looks of his classmates. Nope, he didn't like it one bit.

It was apparent how quickly Rei had worked before Misato had banned her from making any more marriages. Most of the class was now in the forms of couples, chatting away.

Well, the girls were chatting.

The guys looked either deliriously happy, or like they were hoping for the Grim Reaper to show.

His friend Toji was at his desk, nursing a sport drink bottle, and looking like he was returning from a war zone. His eyes had bags, and he seemed to cringe every time Hikari made a move.

His other friend, Kensuke, was walking towards him wearing...a Catholic priest's outfit? "Um..."

Kensuke sighed. "After I told Rei I wanted to remain single, she jumped to the conclusion I wanted to be celibate as well, and signed me up for some junior in-training priest program."

Shinji just shrugged. "At least she didn't marry you to..." He left the name unsaid, but they both knew who they were discussing. But like most evils, saying its name was an invitation for it to come. He motioned towards Toji. "You know what that's about?"

Kensuke shook his head. "Apparently, the class rep has been...overly enjoying the bounties of marriage." He looked towards his friend, shaking a little in fear as Hikari changed his drink, smiling and patting his head, before walking back over to her friends. "Poor guy's been crying every time we're alone. I swear; I never once imagined the class rep would kill him with sex."

"Hello, Anata."

Shinji stiffened, as his own sex demon entered. "Hi, Rei. Feeling better?"

She nodded. "Yes, I have fully recovered from...the incident."

The incident was in fact a large accident that would have killed a full human. Misato, deciding Kaji was not following her orders, decided to actually shoot the guy.

The bullet missed, hitting Rei.

After Rei had healed herself, she proceeded to...converse...with Misato about her displeasure of being shot in the chest.

Shinji had never seen a woman being savagely beaten with a hot water penguin before. Well, Mr. Saotome did say he would get them fixed up.

After all, he said Misato would only have problems bending over and sitting on hard surfaces for a few days.

"Excuse me?"

The group turned to face the devil herself, Kensuke immediately grabbing the cross in his pocket.

Shinji stuttered, trying to say hi. The girl had been silent for nearly a week after meeting her real Father. Not that Shinji blamed her. Finding out your Mother traveled into the future to have a three-way with another couple before returning to the past to have you does tend to mess with one's own perception of reality. And while the girl had been spending time with her real Father and step-mother, Shinji had no doubts that like her Father said; it would only lead to pain.

The fact that she was smiling a sincere smile was not lost on the group.

Rei wanted to beat her up again, not knowing why she felt the sudden need to buy a mallet.

Shinji felt his body demanding to wet himself, as the smile was surely a sign that the Four Horsemen were riding soon.

Kensuke immediately began to pray for Shinji's soul, as he was soon about to be killed as Asuka had apparently gone insane.

She just kept smiling, holding up two envelops. "Don't open these until after roll call, okay?"

Rei and Shinji took the envelops; as Asuka skipped to her seat. "I'm scared, Koi."

Rei nodded. "I believe we should call home after the class to ensure the Captain has not been killed."

"Rei, you sent her to the hospital, remember?"

"Oh. That would also remove calling to see if the penguin still exists."

Kensuke remained quiet. If he remained still, maybe the danger would ignore him.

Soon, the teacher entered, and roll was called.

Finally... "Ikari, Asuka?"

"Here!" called the redhead, before smirking towards Rei and Shinji.

Shinji paled, as he opened the envelop he had received from Asuka; finding a marriage certificate.

"In case anyone is wondering, my new husband decided Rei wasn't good enough, so he graciously took me—a newer and better model—as his second wife. So don't expect either of us here tomorrow. I plan to outlast the baka tonight."

Shinji saw his life flash before his eyes, cursing the actor they had portraying him in it—the guy just wasn't believable; when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Kensuke standing beside him.

"Go towards the light, young man. Go towards the light."

As Rei stood up, Shinji was more willing to go towards the exit, the window, or whatever would kill him quickly. Never a fucking Angel around when you really need them!

Omake by Typhonis:

Agent 2: "Damn who knew that Ranma was Asukas father?"

Agent 1: "Tell me about it. This is a real wild curve ball we're throwing the audience and he turns into a girl... Our ratings will go up!"

Agent 2: Looks at him and sighs. "This is not a reality soap opera you twit, I mean..."

The phone ring and the Agent 1 answers it. A few minutes later.

Agent 1: "Did you know that the feed from these cameras was going to a studio? And they want to renew us for next season?"