"I Do"
Chapter 13
Heaven and Hell
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As another explosion rang out across the school yard, the boys shrank a little more on the roof; the hiding place for all the boys recently married during the "Blue Period", which was what the name was for Rei's rash actions that resulted in a massive number of forced marriages.
This group consisted of all the boys and a few male teachers who had sadly discovered that women can be just as perverted—if not more so at times—then men. They were now being overwhelmed by both responsibility for their new roles, as well as the discovery just how lonely and desperate some girls and women were to not be alone anymore in a world where your death might happen tomorrow.
The current president of this group was Toji, finally finding support to extract him from the sexually deviant Class Representative, which now proved that often people wore a mask to hide their true selves.
That, and Toji just wanted to sleep—a commodity that his wife would barely allow him, as she wanted her big family now.
Shinji was here as well, a de facto member, since his new wife was currently battling his first wife in an attempt for dominance, while leveling a good portion of the school grounds.
"Möko Takabisha!"
"AT Surge!"
Shinji cringed again as another massive explosion occurred. While Asuka had also taken to studying her Father's school of martial arts, Rei had observed as well, and used it to allow her Angel AT field to both counter Asuka's new blast technique as well as block her from receiving damage.
He really didn't care that Asuka had mastered something that should have been impossible for her.
He didn't care that Rei had turned a purely defensive ability of an Angel into an offensive capable one.
No, what he cared about was that this battle would not likely be the last, and whoever won would like to take him to...celebrate.
No one cared about where Kensuke was, as some had expected him to be with them offering last rights.
Nope, since he was the last single male in school, the twelve remaining single girls were each trying to gain him as a husband, before they had to go looking to be a second wife, a fact made an option by Asuka using a little known law passed by the UN in 2007 which allowed for a polygamous marriage if all members consented.
As such, the group had gotten together as well to contact a few lawyers to ensure the "Blue Period" did not return, as they didn't even want their current wives, let alone a second one.
Shinji just cringed, wondering when the possible Third Wife—or luck forbid, Second Husband—made their way into his life.
Kaoru Nagisa sneezed, but found it a pleasant feeling. Staring at the photos of the Third Child, he smiled. "Soon."
The shiver going down Shinji's spine was all the confirmation he needed to know it was a likely event now.
But who could he seek help from? Even this group saw him as somewhat of an outcast, simply because of who he had been married to. He could ask Asuka's Father: Mr. Saotome, but the man would soon have enough problems on his hand, and Shinji was afraid of what the man would do when he learned his only child had married into a polygamous relationship.
Why is this stuff happening to me? Why are these girls after me? What's so special about me?
Even with two women vying for him, Shinji's self-confidence could not pull itself out of the grave.
So, he tried to see the silver lining for the moment.
His Father was in a coma, and not likely to come out of it for a few years. That meant he no longer needed to worry about the man's hateful glare.
With the fight, school would be closed for a few days.
With Kaji now married to her, Misato wasn't teasing him as much anymore, since she was often trying to keep her new husband in line.
He hadn't had to pilot EVA for a few days. And with the arrival of the Unit 03, he might get a break. Maybe, even sit out a battle.
Neither Rei nor Asuka had expressed any desires to have a family.
Because of Mr. Saotome, Section 2 no longer reminded him of a hippie movie. They even dressed like security agents, with clean suits and actual guns instead of plastic phasers from the old Star Trek series. How Father expected them to protect us with those, I'll never know.
Because of Mrs. Saotome—and much to the hatred of Dr. Akagi if those screams he heard at NERV were any indication—the budget had been realigned into making useful weapons to fight the Angels like high-intensity lasers or armory that could slice through an AT Field, not oversized handguns.
Looking back, he had to agree with Mrs. Saotome's observation at dinner a few nights ago: Dr. Akagi seemed to have a weird fascination for big guns, almost to a fetish level. After all, how often had those things ever been useful or passed through the AT Fields that the Angels always had active.
Hell, even Misato understood that.
Fuck, he was even certain even PenPen got that.
"Möko Takabisha Double!"
Looking up, he saw the twin explosions confirming that Mr. Saotome had finally arrived to deal with the cat fight.
Of course, the new quiet allowed for the whereabouts of Kensuke to be heard.
"Ladies, I have taken a mock vow of celibacy. Tempt me no more, for I have dedicated my life to the priesthood."
"Take a look at these babies and tell us that!" screamed one girl Shinji knew from the ninth grade.
"WOAH! SWEETO!"
The group bowed their heads as yet another male fell from grace with them.
"So," Dr. Akagi said, "you wish to pilot 03?"
Toji nodded. "I have nothing to lose, will fight my hardest, and will work weekends, nights, days, and don't mind being locked under such extreme security that no one will be certain if I'm still alive."
Toji smiled, but was congratulating himself on this stroke of luck. With his sister being taken care of by NERV thanks to his marriage agreement with Rei, he really didn't have to be a pilot.
Of course, since his now healed sister was pressuring him as well, because she wanted to be an Auntie, he needed an out.
He knew from Shinji and his own experience when facing the Fourth Angel that he could very well die or at the least, end up in the hospital for a long time.
That was what he was counting on. He wanted the coma! Besides, piloting was something he could do that would both get him away from the over-affectionate wife as well as not anger her, her gun toting Father, and their families demanding more members now.
He might die in a horrible and painful way that escaped the human mind to fathom, but then again, his wife might do the same thing thinking he was enjoying it and it would result in more children.
Ritsuko just sighed, before approving him and sending him to Maya for a full examination, not even finding the possible teasing of her coworker sufficient to lift her spirits. Since Nabiki took away her funding for her toys—such as massive guns that were useless against Angels—she felt depressed.
That was, until a legal document was delivered to her.
"Well, I'll just have to settle for revenge."
Ranma drummed his fingers on the desk, his wife to his left side, his daughter's guardian on his right, gingerly sitting on an inflatable donut after where Rei had finished the fight with a non-recommended use for a hot water penguin.
He glanced across the table. There, Shinji was in the middle, with Rei to his left, and Asuka to his right, and far enough from each other that they couldn't grab the boy or touch him in any way.
Sighing, and rubbing his temples, he turned to stare at Nabiki. "I warned you."
"How was I supposed to know she'd do this, Ranma-kun?"
His face lost all emotion. "She's a Saotome by blood, how could you have not known something like this could have happened."
Ignoring her sputtering, Ranma turned towards the married trio. "Now while I am proud that you ladies were able to do those attacks, the fact that you used them to try and kill each other is not something I can ignore."
"Pilot Soryu tried to steal my husband."
"He's my husband now, Doll!' Asuka growled. "And it is as legal as your marriage to him."
Shinji just whimpered, laying his head on the table, wanting to be dead right now.
Misato would have smirked, had her jaw been able to be moved without pain. Luckily, they hadn't needed to wire it shut, but her medication would keep her from drinking alcohol. She was determined to take it out on someone, and since Kaji had left for a special assignment somewhere, she resigned the pilots would just have to do. Besides, she had not forgiven Rei for using PenPen as a lethal weapon.
Ranma growled. "Quiet both of you!" Seeing he now had the attention of all three, he continued. "Now, since we don't have a legal way to force you three to behave, and as much as I hate to do this to Shinji, since I literally know how he feels, you two will have to play nice and share your husband."
"WHAT?" screamed the two girls in question.
Before they could try and demand he stop it, Ranma continued. "You entered into this union with open eyes, and even if Asuka used a trick to join, she is as much a member of the marriage as the others." He turned towards his daughter. "That means she shares in all the duties of the marriage."
"Duties?" asked Asuka.
"Yes," Ranma said. "That means, my dear daughter, that you will have to work on the chores in the house, share in the cooking, and act accordingly to the house budget. This means no splurges from your pay, since you now have a co-wife and husband to consider." His eyes thinned. "And since you kindly forgot that you would need my permission to get married since you are legally my charge thanks to the paternity tests; it means that if I feel you aren't pulling your weight in the marriage, as well as if I feel that you are only staying married for spite, then I can have your marriage thrown out."
"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" she screamed, standing from her chair.
"Does that mean you honestly love him?"
She started to speak, but stopped. She couldn't say no, because then she would be divorced and the doll would win. If she said yes, then they would accuse her of lying and make her prove it, most likely by doing something hentai like kissing the doll to prove she had accepted and loved both when she entered this marriage.
Luckily, the opening of the doors saved her from having to make such a decision.
"WAH! My hubby is gonna die!" screamed Hikari over the phone.
Toji had just told her that he had been "drafted" into piloting EVA. "But, Hikari, it won't be so bad," he said, before cringing, not believing he was about to say what he had to. "Plus, the money will help us get that big house in the country that you wanted."
"Then I will fight with you!"
"You can't!" he screamed out. Calming himself, he explained. "Unit 04 was destroyed, and they aren't certain anymore will be built."
"But...but what happened to it?"
"I don't know," he said. "They never told me."
One week ago...
"What does this button do?" asked a blond technician with her hair in twin ponytails.
"Damn it, Meatball-head; don't touch the S2 eng—"
And thus, the NERV Branch in the US ceased to exist.
Sailor Pluto sighed. "That's the fifth Usagi to die this year." She looked away from the Gates of Time to see the aquariums where the spare Senshi were stored in LCL. "Screw it; I'm not waking up another until it's time to found Crystal Tokyo."
"Can I help you ladies?" asked Nabiki, as a smirking Ritsuko and a nervous Maya entered.
As Ritsuko's smirk grew into a devious and evil smile, she handed Nabiki a pair of documents. "Ask Rei."
As Nabiki scanned the documents—and kept silent, which annoyed Ranma and Misato—she turned to Rei. "Explain...now."
Rei nodded. "After Pilot Soryu informed the class of her plan, I realized I needed to remove any other single females from contention who might wish to marry Anata as well."
Nabiki growled. "And you married them to him...why?"
Rei blinked. "He was the most sufficient and acceptable person who would not be objectionable to them."
"Um...Nabiki-chan?" asked Ranma.
Nabiki scared him immediately by going to her Ice Queen image. "Dear, it looks like Rei just married you to Ritsuko and Maya here."
"WHAT?" screamed everyone, including Misato, who immediately grabbed her jaw in pain.
Shinji just shrunk into his chair, wishing for an Angel to have killed him in the past. Maybe if that Third Angel had just drifted to his left by about twenty meters, Shinji could be enjoying the afterlife with his Mother. But noooo, the damn thing had to spare him.
Ranma just began pounding his head on the table, muttering about it "all happening again".
Rei just looked at everyone. Perhaps I had made a mistake. But the Commander is in a coma, and that would raise questions as to how he consented to the marriage.
Asuka was just waiting for the right moment to sneak her new husband away, before her Father asked her to explain her reasons.
Meanwhile, in a certain animal hospital, a certain penguin was currently finding out how good pressing the button on his IV felt. Muuuuuuch bettttttter than beeeeeer.
Omake by migele:
Rei was working herself through 'Cooking for Dummies' and sighed. She knew she wasn't stupid, but she had no prior experience with cooking and had to learn since Ranma-san—in a bad mood about having more women after him again—had explained that all chores were to be shared. That included cooking and cleaning; cleaning she knew from school, cooking however ... she still took pride in the fact that her first try was better than Major Katsuragi's usual good outcomes: poison or whatever you could call it.
She didn't want to share with Asuka, half the time with Shinji would be hers the other half Asuka's. If someone else married Shinji, that time would decrease even more. If she only could split herself like that Ryoko character from that 'Tenchi Muyo!' series.
Rei blinked, she could not split herself, BUT she had other selves, 48 to be exact. With her and Asuka that would be 50 girls for Shinji. However all clones could synchronize with each other ignoring the ego border. With 2 of Shinji's time for each female it would mount to 98/2 Reis/Asuka time with Shinji opposing to 50/50.
Had Shinji seen the smile on her face, he would have ran screaming for the hills. Ranma would have had a feeling of Deja-Vu.
Rei dropped the book and took course for Terminal Dogma, the clones hadn't yet had the chance to gain the memories or married life and that had to be remedied, next would be waking them. She still wondered if she should wake number 48 or rather 00. The one in the dummy plug was a bit underdeveloped. Maybe Shinji had a lolita fetish somewhere the little one could be suited for. Decisions over decisions.
As Rei skipped towards NERV with a certain happy skip in her step, she knew Asuka would try to take advantage or her time with Shinji, unknowingly while extended probably the last peaceful moments with him for a very, very long time.
Ranma sat with Shinji on the balcony as Shinji shivered, Ranma knew the symptoms when he saw them. "Feel like somebody walked over your grave?"
Shinji nodded. "Something bad is going to happen."
"Welcome to the family, son-in-law."
Shinji looked at Ranma a bit surprised.
"Asuka IS a Saotome, which means she will do whatever it takes to succeed. Even if it takes housework and cooking."
"I'm dead!"
"Not until your rivals appear."
Shinji thought for a moment, "Do angels count?"
Ranma nodded. "They do. Don't worry; we will get you to top form soon so you survive it."
"Is it really that bad?" Shinji decided that Ranma was a much better father figure than 'what-was-his-name', that almost dead mummy in the cellar of the NERV hospital, right next to the pathology.
"Ever had 41 shapely young amazons trying to bed you?"
Shinji shivered again, cold sweat forming. "I'm so dead."
Ranma patted the younger boy on the back "Don't worry, you ain't dead yet. Try to go with the flow and enjoy every moment you are alive like it is your last."
"So you are the head scientist and you are a bridge bunny." Nabiki addressed her two co-wives.
"System maintenance and logistics, I work a lot with the MAGI," Maya said.
"Everything that is produced is connected to me one way or another." Ritsuko smiled; yes she scored a hunk, one that was Asuka's father, which made her Asuka's and Shinji's mother. She had children, that was bad, she had a bossy and very intelligent primary wife, she wasn't certain if that was good or bad. She was also married to Maya, which would be fun since she loved teasing her. Her husband turned into a busty redhead; maybe she could get him come down to the labs someday?
"You might want to stock up on insurance and increase the repair budget in NERV and all of Tokyo 3. You saw what those two did to the school. Ranma took down whole mountains far, far before his prime."
Maya choked on her tea, Ritsuko's eyes widened.
"Yep he is that good; Asuka's mom almost stayed to be with him."
Maya and Ritsuko reconsidered, maybe all problems aside it wasn't to bad, after all Rei could have married them to that carcass next to pathology.
Omake by Typhonis:
Shinji watched in horror as Asuka and Rei closed to melee range and started going at it hand to hand. Asuka had some advantage in Ranma's training but Rei apparently was just as good.
He and the other male students watched as the two pilots began to really and truly rip into each other...so badly that parts of their school uniforms started to came off ...
After a few seconds of that Shinji promptly passed out as a geyser of blood shot from his nose. Toji looked down at the scene " Damn...Shinji is one lucky guy."