Chapter 15

Worst Day at Work...EVER!

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Shinji sighed as the hot water from the shower fell upon him. It had been a few weeks from the last Angel attack.

And as strangely as it sounded coming from him...he was...happy.

Yes; Shinji Ikari: Universe's Bitch and Pilot Punching Bag, was happy.

Sure, he could have wished for retaining memories of sex with Asuka or Rei, but still, he learned to take what happiness that he could.

He had to smile at that. Often, he had heard the phrase that women who had violent and cold attitudes—like Asuka pre-marriage—were said to "need to get laid" so as to calm them down.

And as always, he had put off those rumors.

But Asuka got laid, and she was being...nice...to him.

Not knowing what exactly he was doing, he decided that whatever it was, it was in his best interest to keep doing.

Sadly, for Asuka, after their first night, she decided that maybe if Shinji thought of her as soft and delicate, he wouldn't be so...passionate...in bed.

Bad for her, great for Shinji.

He was enjoying the fact that Asuka was now doing all the chores, much like she had forced onto him before.

Then there was his new father-in-law: Ranma Saotome. Granted the guy's life was seriously messed up, but so far the young man had been a better father to him than...

Shinji paused for a bit, trying to remember what his birth father looked like. He remembered he had hair...

Oh well, not important. Who needed a guy you could forget so well when you had a perfect father with you now.

Ranma took him out, played sports, taught him a little bit of Anything Goes, got him drunk, and had stories of his youth that made Shinji realize how lucky he was to have what he did.

Yes, truly it was a glorious day to be alive.

I want to die!

Toji, however, was filling in quite nicely for Shinji in maintaining the depressive atmosphere in Tokyo-3. While the boy had been fortunate to be stuck with only one wife—due to the fact that Hikari informed them that she wanted five or six kids first before she'd even consider getting another spouse—he was not fortunate on other things.

NERV did not consider the fact that being scared of your horny wife was a good enough excuse to not leave an entry plug.

But, Toji did find out the hallways were often quiet enough for him to sleep in, as well as the occasional medical room.

Of course, he did have to go home eventually...despite his fevered protests. And at home, he barely had enough time for a meal before his...loving...wife wanted to work more on having a family.

It's always the quiet ones.

Of course, his asking that they wait until after High School or at least college before starting a family went unheeded, as if Hikari was completely ignoring everything she had been spouting about a great scholastic career being the heart of a happy life and such...

But today...today was the day where he would have his first sync experience with Unit 03, the Evangelion which he would pilot.

If he was lucky, all would go well and he could get severely injured like Shinji did, and spend countless weeks in a hospital with no sex.

Of course, that all relied on the hopes that an Angel would attack soon.

"Honey, come back to bed."

Shivering, he trudged like he was on Death Row back to his wife. Damn you, Rei Ikari. Because of you, I've seen hell!

On a pig farm, Ryoga Hibiki sneezed, causing him to head-butt a neighbor's car and break it. "Damn you, this is all your fault, Ranma!"

In the security office, Ranma sneezed, wondering who his old man just pissed off again.

That reminded him he still needed to call his mother and tell her what had changed; like he had a teenage child and was now married to two more women.

Nodoka Saotome dropped the hot skillet on her sneezing husband's foot, as she immediately pulled out fans and did her "My Son is so Manly" dance.

Asuka just stared ahead in class, not understanding the world anymore.

For the last few weeks, she had been extremely nice to Shinji. She had cooked for him, cleaned for him. She hadn't called him names once, or even insulted his choice of friends.

Yet, every night, he'd get that maniacal gleam in his eyes, drag her to the bedroom, and "defeat" her in less than half an hour, while Rei got a full three hours.

"It's not fair," she mumbled with what little energy she had left; her head still on her desk.

Wasn't she better than the doll? If so, then why was he taking her out in less than an hour, while the damn doll got treated like a porcelain figurine?

As the bell rang to end the half-day of school, she motioned for the two Section 2 agents to carry her to NERV.

Hey, having your daddy in charge of them was a great perk.

Now, if only they'd do those hits like she told them to. Otherwise, she'd have to wait years before she could become the next Idol.

Ritsuko smirked as Misato gave her the evil eye. It wasn't the blonde's fault that Kaji was such a bad husband. After all, there was a reason those necklaces Misato had asked for—which would explode and remove Kaji's head if he cheated on her—were ready so quickly.

"I hate you," mumbled Misato.

"Not my fault my husband can keep me happy...very...very...very...happy."

"Did you have to be so damn loud about it?"

"This from the girl that made me have to spend the night in the lounges of our dorm because she and Kaji just couldn't stop."

Misato blushed, but stayed quiet.

As they began the activation tests, Misato began speaking once again, hoping to put the lack of a sex life away for the moment. "I'd never thought I'd see another kid excited about piloting other than Asuka."

Ritsuko decided to keep quiet about the real reasons Toji wanted to pilot. After all, it wasn't everyday you say a fourteen year old girl leap across ten meters, through plate glass, glomping onto a husband you haven't seen for an hour, demanding to start making babies.

Needless to say, Ritsuko was tempted to give the boy the name of her former supplier.

After all, she didn't need it anymore. Her new husband made sure she was feeling great all day long, so she didn't need to get high all the time...or smoke...or remember what it was like to sleep with the vegetable in the wards of NERV Medical.

That made her pause and reflect. Gendo awake, people were depressed and sad. Now that he was comatose, people were happy and she was having great sex.

Go figure.

"I wonder why we had to have the EVA tested here?" said Misato. "I mean, it's not like it'll go mad and try and kill us all."

Man, she'd regret those words.

Toji was busy syncing with the Evangelion, when he mind was forced back.

"I am the Angel; Bardial. I am now in control!"

Now, while most angels never really cared to talk, this one decided to give the lilum a chance to make peace.

"Yes, I'm gonna die! No more sex ever again!"

The Angel, not being prepared for this, immediately face-faulted. The speed at which it did so, caused the very molecules in the floor to undergo a fusion reaction, triggering an explosion.

The pilots and their EVAs were standing at the ready, waiting for the Angel to approach.

However, they were far from quiet.

"Don't worry, Shinji-kun," said Asuka in a sing-song voice, "I'll protect you from the big bad Angel."

Asuka had now moved onto a new plan. She would prove she would always protect Shinji. If she did so, then made he would be gentler with her, and she'd at last defeat Rei time wise.

Of course, she could ask her stepmother; Nabiki, for help. But like her father, her pride wouldn't let her.

Too bad, because Nabiki knew way more than what Asuka needed.

Rei just smirked, as did her EVA. While none of them knew it, the three EVAs were well on their way to having bodies again; and despite the beliefs of SEELE and Gendo, they could leave them whenever they wanted.

"How much longer do we have to wait for them?" whined Kyoko. She had waited for the hot horse to return to her, only to find him already married...again. It wasn't bad enough she had to marry that dick when she returned to her own time, let alone that the bastard left her for the woman that was supposed to help her.

No, she was wanting to be human and enjoy those nights again like she did in Neo-Nerima.

"It'll be a month or two," said Naoko. Truthfully, the woman was slowing down the production of the other bodies, in hopes that hers would be finished first. Then, some quick paper work, and Kyoko and that bitch Yui would be married to Gendo again, and she'd have Ranma all to herself.

Well, she would when she figured out how to remove the other wives.

Yui suspected her fellow conspirators were plotting to betray her, so she was also putting in several backup plans; like ensuring they could only leave their EVA cores at the same time, as well as pre-filing paperwork for her new marriage. After all, Shinji already loved his new step-father-to-be, so she saw no matters against it.

And as added work, she had issued papers for Gendo to be transferred to a special hospital she had seen in Shinji's memories. This hospital had a horrible record and was found to occasionally give patients the wrong medication and perform unnecessary surgery. After all, couldn't be too careful that some paperwork might get mis-sent, and she'd end up married to the asshole again.

"So," said Yui, "in two month's time, we'll be alive and kicking once more."

The others nodded, each planning some way to sabotage the other; each conveniently forgetting that without their souls, nothing could run the EVA.

Rei just smiled, not hearing the conversation of the EVAs, as she was only worried about her own husband. She had learned early on of Asuka's plan. The girl had yet to learn not to write such things in a journal and leave it in the open.

She knew that Asuka's plan was doomed. As the German pilot acted with more kindness, Shinji would see it that he must obviously be doing something right, so he'd try and continue doing it. Thus, Asuka would have more intense sex which resulted in her being defeated in less time, which caused Shinji to lose enough energy for Rei to fully enjoy her defeats even more.

It was a perfect scenario.

That was until she saw what the Angel was. Sensing that the pilot was still inside, and knowing that Hikari might seek Shinji for a replacement husband, the girl began to think quickly. She needed a way to defeat the Angel, and leave Toji alive, as she doubted Hikari would settle for anything less than a male pilot, and there was no way in hell even she could fake the psych exam to get Kensuke in.

Rei took a deep breath. That meant negotiations, and Angel's tended to ramble on about their supposed greatness. They reminded her of the stories told by her father-in-law about a delusional kendo student.

Toji was beginning to feel a pang of fear growing inside him. The Angel had stopped talking to him over an hour ago, and they had stopped moving before that.

He was still alive and healthy.

Something was horribly wrong.

When his plug rose, he thought that somehow, they had saved them, and was planning on showing his gratitude by beating them without mercy.

If he was lucky, he'd get a few years in solitary confinement.

The entry hatch opened, allowing a nude girl to enter. "Honey-muffin!"

Toji cringed in fear. Somehow, his wife was now with him. "Um...hello, dear. What are you doing here?"

Hikari just smiled as she dragged her finger across Toji's plug suit. "Well, Rei was able to make a deal with the Angel."

Toji knew he was going to have to kill Shinji's first wife now. There was no forgiveness for this act.

"The deal was that after talking with Rei, the Angel agreed to become human, but it needs a body to be born. So now, we get to make babies!"

As she literally ripped the plug suit off him, Toji promised Rei would pay for this.

Shinji smiled as the Unit 03 slowly powered down. He didn't know what Rei did, but they had regained the EVA—now with an S2 organ that could be studied and applied to their own EVAs, and he didn't have to hurt anyone.

Yes, life was getting better for him all the time.