Chapter Four
Tears and Fears

He was dressed in the finest clothes she had ever seen upon him, although they were honestly no finer than the clothes she was wearing right now. His mocha skin complimented the creamy white of his jacket rather well, and he was still just as dazzling to the eye as he had ever been. Those same dark eyes, the chiseled jaw and facial structure, the shiny bald head that only black men could ever seem to sport and still look sexy. That was Benjamin Coffin III all right, and he was looking better than ever, if a little depressed.

"Can I help you?" he asked. His voice still resonated with that same deep, pleasant tone. She blushed when she remembered the huge crush she had harbored as a child.

Holy shit. He doesn't recognize me and I'm fucking staring like a gawping tourist. She had no idea how to answer that. She was stuck behind one of two doors: tell him who she was or let him pass by only to have him find out later. She figured she ought to think of something to say quickly so he wouldn't think she was a gaping idiot, although she probably had already ruined that one.

"Ma'am, are you…?"

Oh no, he trailed off. Does that mean…?

Benny's brow had furrowed, his eyes had narrowed, and he had taken one more step down to ground level. He was not moving his dark, penetrating gaze from her, which was becoming rather uncomfortable. She averted her eyes from his gaze, knowing that those, if anything, would be her most recognizable feature. But the damage (relatively speaking) had already been done.

"Oh my God," she heard him murmur in disbelief. "Regan…is—is that you?"

Regan slowly returned his wide-eyed gaze, which was crammed full of numerous emotions, the most noticeable being plain shock. She smiled nervously and nodded curtly, still unable to make her vocal cords spit out lucid words. She wished he would take that piercing gaze off of her for at least a second so she could regain her bearings. This was probably a good thing, though. She could get in some practice dealing with shocked, piercing gazes of disbelief before dealing with the one gaze that would probably affect her the most.

Without even thinking, she choked out the first words that popped into her head. "How's it going, Benny?"

Her words evoked the strangest reaction from Benny. First his jaw dropped slightly, and it looked almost like he wanted to reach out to grasp a railing, which, incidentally, was decidedly absent. His eyes released her from their paralyzing grip for a split second as he quietly repeated her words.

"How's it going? How's it going?" After that he emitted the strangest bark of high-pitched laughter she had ever heard from a man like him. Regan shifted on her feet nervously, wondering if perhaps she had sent the poor man over the edge.

Well, shit, if Benny reacts this way then how will Roger react? I might just give the dude a heart attack. Maybe this is a bad idea.

"No word. No sign. Nothing. For over three years." It appeared that Benny had finally regained his bearings. "And the first thing you say to me is 'How's it going, Benny?'" His tone was impressively neutral, but, then again, Benny had always been a man with a short tether on his emotions.

Regan shrugged because she could think of nothing else to do. "Um, looks like." She scuffed her feet on the sidewalk and quickly glanced to the side before glancing back to Benny. She hardly noticed she had begun to bob a little—a nervous habit of hers. "So…how has it been going?"

For a moment, Regan was afraid she really had done it. The way Benny was looking at her frightened her just a bit. She relaxed when his face split into a wide grin. He practically leapt the rest of the way down the steps and, before Regan could get a word in, she was engulfed in a tight, spinning hug. Benny was laughing loudly as he swung her around, and he was still grinning widely when he finally released her. His eyes roved up and down her entire form, resulting in another plume of bright red on her white cheeks.

"Look at you! I hardly even recognize you!" he exclaimed. Clearly, his emotions were no longer so tightly tethered.

"Look at you! You're all…fancy, and still quite the looker. And…you're….married?" She caught the gold ring on his left ring finger and quirked an eyebrow in surprise.

"Uh yeah," he replied. "A year and a half now."

Oh wow, I did miss a lot.

Regan smiled in delightful surprise. "Well, a belated congratulations to you and the lucky lady. What's her name?"

Benny sucked in a hissing breath between his teeth, which was never a good sign. The first conclusion Regan jumped to was that Benny had not, in fact, married a woman, which really made no difference to her. It definitely would be quite a shocker, for she had never pegged him as a homosexual.

"Alison," he finally informed her. The way he said it, however, bade Regan to think there was something more to it here.

Alison. Do I know an Alison? I don't think I do…Wait…yes I do!

"Alison Grey?" she asked.

Benny nodded almost sheepishly. Regan almost laughed at the ludicrous idea of one of the penniless bohemians ever winning the heart of a woman of such ilk as Alison Grey. Of course, one should never underestimate the subtle charm of a man like Benjamin Coffin III. It appeared not even an urban princess such as Alison was immune from such charm.

"Wow. Now that's what I call a catch. Way to go, Benny," she said, obviously impressed. Although she was a little bit depressed he was no longer on the market now that she was officially of age and good looks.

Benny snorted in a way that sounded strangely ironic. "Well, you'd be the first of the gang to see it that way."

Oh, right. Her father like owns the entire street or whatever. They probably think he sold them out.

"Ah," she replied in comprehension.

"But…what about you? Do the rest of them know you're here? I mean, I just came back from visiting Roger and…he would have said something. At least, I guess he would have," Benny intoned eagerly.

Regan sighed. "Nobody else knows. You're the first one. Lucky you." She pulled away from him and settled down on the first step. Benny was quick to move beside her. He was quiet and patient on the outside, but she presumed he was probably brimming with a plethora of questions.

"God, Regan," he finally spoke. She looked up, but he was not looking at her. He was looking off down the street into the distance. "We thought something terrible had happened to you. Do you have any idea what you put us all through? Christ, if it weren't for Angel and Collins's belief that you couldn't be declared dead until a body was found, you would have a gravestone by now."

Heh. Should I be grateful for that? Hey cool, now it's like I'm back from the dead. I sort of pulled a "Buffy."

"I'm sorry," she said solemnly. "It was wrong of me to not tell you guys anything for so long. It's just…" She sighed and massaged her temples. How could she explain herself when even she did not know the entire reason she stayed silent and stayed away?

"I know. I know what happened that night, and I know it woke up some of those demons from your past. But, I mean, God, three years? And now…" Benny did not finish his thought, but he was definitely troubled about something. Well, troubled may not have been the right term. He sounded more like he was calmly flummoxed by something.

"Now what?" she asked.

Benny waved his hand all over in her direction. "You look…fantastic. I mean, wow, you really look good. You look so different. I swear I didn't recognize you when I first saw you. Things couldn't have gone that badly for you."

Well, depends on your definition of badly. She quirked a small smile at him, but it quickly dissipated when she saw the expression on his face. Something other than her appearance was troubling him; she found this profoundly disturbing. She felt a strange sensation in her gut, the sensation she normally felt whenever she was about to receive news she would not like.

"Benny, what's wrong?" she queried, a degree of fear in her tone.

Benny sighed and grasped her hand, but then he quickly dropped it. He rubbed at the back of his neck while he tried to find words to convey just how much everything had changed in only three years.

"Okay, you're starting to freak me out just a little bit," she told him. "What are you trying to tell me?"

Benny finally looked at her, his eyes full of compassion and sadness. "Regan, things have changed a lot since you've been gone."

Well, duh. "I kinda figured that. What, you didn't think I was gonna come back after three years expecting to find everything and everyone as they were? Really, you ought to know better. I mean, hell, you've gone and gotten married to Alison Grey. That's crazy enough as it is. Next thing you know you'll be telling me Maureen is gay or something." She chuckled a bit at her little joke, but her laughter died off when she heard no laughter on Benny's end.

Her jaw dropped when she saw his face. "You're joking!" He shook his head. "Ah, no way!"

"She left Mark for a lawyer named Joanne. She's actually a pretty interesting woman. I think you'd like her," Benny told her.

Regan rolled this information around in her brain as if she wanted to taste it before ingesting it. She decided the information was not disturbing at all, and neither was it incredibly surprising once she really thought about it. She felt bad for Mark, though. It was one thing to have a girlfriend leave you for another guy. She could not imagine what it would be like to have a girlfriend leave you for a woman. That just seemed…well, she could not decide which scenario was worse, to tell the truth.

"What about April and Roger? Are they still together? Not to sound petulant, but please tell me he dumped her. At least tell me they have no kids," she implored.

Benny pursed his lips, his expression darkening.

"What?" she asked obliviously.

"Regan, I'm not sure how to tell you this," he began slowly. He took a deep breath and looked her dead in the eyes. "April committed suicide about six months after you left. She slit her wrists in the bathtub of our loft. Roger and Mark found her, but they were too late to save her. She was already dead."

Now it was Regan's turn to gape in open-mouthed shock as she tried to process this information. She stared, speechless, at Benny's somber face, willing him to say that it was not true. She may not have liked April, but she certainly never wished her dead, especially not like that. When a denial was not forthcoming, she looked away from Benny, eking out one pathetic breath from her still open mouth, but no words. She covered her hand with her mouth, closing her eyes as tears burned the backs of closed eyelids. The tears she would not allow to fall—especially in front of another person—were not just for April, but for Roger as well. She knew that her brother had loved April, and to lose her like he had was, in some ways, worse than dying that way in the first place. Not to mention, he had been the one to find her—aside from Mark, of course.

Oh God, I am such a horrible person. Here I was thinking all those terrible things about her and still hating her and she's been dead for two-and-a-half years. Jesus, what is wrong with me?

"Regan?" Benny asked in concern. He laid a hand on her shoulder.

She shook her head, not trusting herself enough to remove her hand from her mouth. She had her head tilted back to prevent tears from flowing down her face; hoping gravity would keep them inside the ducts where they belonged. When she felt it was safe enough to speak, she took her hand away, but kept her eyes firmly closed.

"Oh my God…Roger," she murmured.

I hadn't been there for him. He had to deal with this alone. No, not alone, he had all of them. He had Mark. Mark has always been there. Unlike me. I'm such a crappy sister. He gave up so much to take care of me and this is how I repay him. I don't deserve to see him again.

"Regan?" Benny asked again.

She waved her hand at him to tell him she was not yet ready to resume conversation. She was breathing in slow, deep breaths in an attempt to stave off the crying. She really hated crying in front of people. It felt almost like she was exhibiting weakness, although she knew it was perfectly natural. This was why she typically watched tearjerkers alone, especially if she was at the time of the month when she was more prone to crying.

Benny was well aware of Regan's views on crying in public, or in front of others in general. It was a characteristic he tended to share, along with her brother. But he also knew that there were times when it was best to let it all out at once than bottle it up for later. He rubbed her back as she trembled from the urge she was fighting to suppress. It looked to be a losing battle on her end. Benny sighed sympathetically, for he knew that if the last piece of news were enough to tug at those tough heartstrings of Regan's, she would have no chance at staving off the tears for the next bit.

He sighed when he heard Regan finally give up as she let out a small sob. She buried her head in her hands and rested them on her knees, completely shielding her face from view. He continued to rub her back as she shook from her sobs. Benny was smart enough to know most of her grief was on behalf of Roger, for her feelings about April had been no secret. She was more than likely feeling the guilt of not being there to comfort him, or the guilt of being the first to cause him grief that was only exacerbated with April's suicide. It was probably both.

"Regan," he said softly. He was willing to wait to tell her about Angel's death. No doubt she would be wailing from that one because, like everyone else in the family, she had adored Angel.

"I'm sorry," she stuttered between sobs. She lifted her head up, but her hand was still covering her eyes. "God damn it," she choked.

She stood up and started to walk across the street. Benny jumped up after her and grabbed her arm, swinging her around.

"Whoa! Where are you going?" he asked in alarm.

She sniffled. "I'm sorry. I'm just gonna go cry in the car and then maybe go home for the night. I don't think I can deal with him right now…not now," she cried. She would not meet his eyes.

"I don't think so, young lady. You are not driving in this condition. Not on New York streets," he declared sternly. He wanted to ask her when she had started driving, but decided it was rather irrelevant and it was not the time. To assure her that he was dead serious, he snatched her purse, where he suspected her keys to be.

"Hey!" she yelled indignantly. "Give that back!"

His plan failed to follow through, for he had not expected Regan to have such quick reflexes. He had barely even seen her move. It was like she had been standing there one moment and the next she was holding her purse and glaring at him. He blinked in puzzlement, for he hardly felt the purse get lifted from his grasp.

On the other hand, she was no longer crying. He quickly forgot the strange incident. Her glare eventually disappeared underneath the look of exhausted sorrow and she slowly shook her head before turning around. Benny cursed and went after her, making another grab for her arm. But she was too quick for him this time, easily sidestepping him though she could not have possibly seen his arm move.

"Regan, wait!" he exclaimed. He heard the telltale sound of a car alarm being deactivated and the doors being unlocked.

Wow, she really has done well for herself.

"What?" she finally said, not turning around. She stood poised at the driver door, her hand just centimeters away from the handle.

"You need to go and see him," he told her. "There's more to tell, but I think you really need to see Roger first. If you're afraid he's gonna turn you away, then don't be. He's missed you more than the rest of us combined, and he still blames himself for you leaving. It was your disappearance and April's suicide that got him to quit the drugs and head into rehab. He's clean, now, Regan. Isn't that what you want to hear? The fight you two had that night wasn't in vain…it did stick."

Regan's breath hitched in her throat as emotions unnumbered assailed her. Yes, she had waited so long to hear those words. She had wanted so badly to believe that her brother had stopped using, but she was afraid of believing because she didn't want to have her tender hopes crushed. She knew what it was like to have hope devastated, and she had no wish to revisit such territory.

She slowly turned to face Benny, no longer caring what a mess her face must be. Her red-rimmed, watery green eyes glimmered with newfound hope and joy. "Are you serious?"

"Very much so," he answered without any pretension.

She closed her eyes and let out a laugh of hysterical relief. She raised her head skywards and mouthed the words, Thank you. Right at that time the sounds of "Stairway to Heaven" suddenly appeared, causing Benny to jump slightly. Regan merely sniffled and dug a cell phone out of her jacket pocket.

"Ari, this is not a good time," she said to the person on the other end. Her eyes traveled to Benny before going beyond him to the building. "I'm actually here, outside the building."

Benny waited patiently for Regan to finish her conversation, though he would have liked to have known who this Ari person was.

"No, I can't…Because I just received some rather bad news. Um, April, the girlfriend I hated…yeah, her…Turns out she killed herself two-and-half-years ago and Roger was the one to find her. I mean, Mark was with him, but, ya know…Does it matter how she did it? The point is she's dead and I've done nothing but complain about her for the past three fucking years. Here I was hoping they had broken up and, hey! I got my fucking wish! Thank my lucky stars!"

Benny raised an eyebrow at Regan's self-recriminating outburst. She was really letting this eat her up. He watched in silence as Regan leaned against the car, with her phone pressed against her ear. She had gone from being angry to nearly crying again.

"I can't Ari…No, I can't…Not today…Not while knowing I wasn't there for him…Not after the way I've been…Stop it, Ari, I just can't today…Deal with it…You're in Santa Rosa for Christ's sake, what the hell are you going to do?" She pulled the phone away and gave it a murderous look before pulling it back to her ear.

Santa Rosa? Isn't that in Argentina? How does she know a girl in Argentina? Benny wondered these things while simultaneously wondering if Regan even remembered he was still there.

"Speaking English now? Not that it matters; I can understand just about every word you say in Spanish. That's what you get for personally tutoring me…I've already said not today, Ari…I've made my decision…No, I'm not…Oh, for fuck's sake, you are insufferable, did you know that? God, how can the girls put up with you? Bet you they're wanting me back right now…Fine! Have it your way! Just don't blame me if I end up throwing myself off the Empire State Building!" With that she flipped her phone closed and laid back against the car with her arms crossed against her chest. She looked very much like a child who has just been denied her wish.

Benny was massively confused by the entire conversation, which, considering he only heard Regan's end, was not entirely strange. She knows a girl from Argentina and can speak Spanish. And what the hell was she talking about "the girls wanting her back"? What the hell did she do during those three years?

Aside from the strange conversation, he really began to ponder over the vast physical changes she had undergone. Obviously she still looked a little like the sixteen-year-old girl he remembered, but she had changed so dramatically it was hard to reconcile the Regan he remembered and the Regan he was seeing now as the same person. It felt disturbing to think this, but he found her quite attractive, though only in the normal way any straight male would. Sadly, he never would have dreamt of finding the sixteen-year-old he had loved as a sister attractive as a woman. But now, he certainly did.

And it wasn't just that she was physically appealing. There was something else, something more abstract to it. She had a different presence about her. What had changed about Regan in the most dramatic way was not tangible. It was like she had undergone some massive transformation inside and out, and, the weird thing was, it was not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, her new demeanor enhanced her overall sexual appeal.

Thank God I'm happily married or I would be in deep shit with Roger. He's already tense about my past with Mimi. How is Mark going to cope with this change?

Mark was the only other unattached member of the group who could possibly relate to Benny's predicament. Collins, besides being gay, had always viewed Regan more as a daughter, and Benny felt that was not going to change even now. Maureen might notice. In fact, she would most likely notice, but she would definitely feel too awkward to make note of it. Regan was…Regan. She was the baby of the bohemian family; the one everyone protected and coddled as best as a bunch of starving artists could. Benny felt like he had committed sacrilege for even daring to consider Regan as sexually attractive.

He heard Regan give a resigned sigh. She stood upright, shoved her phone in her pocket, and brushed past Benny. He did a double-take in confusion.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"To see my brother, where do you think?" she replied flatly.

Well, that was weird. What did that Ari girl say to her?

"Um, do you want me to come with you…as support?" he suggested.

Regan stopped right before the double-door and turned slightly. She smiled appreciatively at Benny but shook her head. "This is something I need to do alone."

Benny nodded in understanding. "Do you want me to wait out here?"

She shrugged. "It's up to you, but you probably have somewhere to be. A wife to go home to."

"Well, yes, but…" Benny was still worried about her.

Regan smiled reassuringly. "Go. Go have sex with your wife…or your mistress…or your pool boy. Whoever. I'll be fine."

Benny laughed, not just at her words but at the fact that it was so ridiculous that she had gone from being sad to angry to annoyed to angry again to sad again to annoyed again to this weird dry, sarcastic mood. If he had not been quite used to dealing with his wife's own volatile mood or had he not remembered how Regan had acted when she was a teenager, he might have been a little concerned.

"Okay, well, if you get the urge to jump off the Empire State Building, call me so I can talk you out of it. Although I assume that was a bluff," he said, winking at her.

"See ya later, Benny," Regan replied before entering the building.

Benny walked over to his own vehicle, deactivated the alarm and the locks, and then slid into the driver's seat. He took a deep breath and leaned back against the seat as if everything that had happened had exhausted him a great deal. He then cursed when he remembered that it wasn't just Roger up there in the loft. Mimi was up there, too.

Well, too late to tell her now. Guess she'll just have to meet the new woman in Roger's life. Wonder what she'll think of her…

Something weird was going on with the documents area. I wasn't able to upload this chapter as a new document. It kept coming up as error or it would come up as a reload page.

So, because I am very impatient, I cheated and took an export document that has been gathering dust on my account for months and erased everything in there and copied and pasted this chapter into that document. I had to do quite a bit of editing to make this one look right, but here it is! Now I know what to do in the event uploading doesn't work. Where there's a loophole, there's a way!

To all the Mark-lovers out there, of which I am an avid member (he and Roger are my two favorite characters): He will make his grand entrance in due time. Good things come to those who wait ;-).

Thanks to all who've read and reviewed. All my silent readers are urged to drop a line, even if it's just a few words. I would greatly appreciate it!