DISCLAIMER: I don't own the doctor or Rose ….but I sure love them! Thank you, Russel, for that …
NOTES: That scene in SCHOOL REUNION almost broke my heart. I thought it was brilliant and sad and oh so revealing ….it said a lot about the relationship between Rose and the Doctor and it was played brilliantly…. (I thought the song was befitting this scene. It is SAMSON …by Regina Spector)
It haunted me…so here we go
NOT YOU
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first
There she is, eyes wide open, staring…the fear is there. He can see it, almost feel it. A fear so cold it could make her heart stop. A fear she never knew she harboured until she met Sarah Jane …his companion. The one he left behind…for her own good. Broke her heart never the less. All the things he thought she might have, all the things he wanted for her …a happy, safe life, love …a family. He tried to give her that by leaving. None of it happened.
He broke her heart, took a part of her with him. And she waited…all those years, she waited until finally it must have dawned on her that …he might never return.
He can see the fear now in her eyes, his beautiful Rose. The fear of being left behind, of loosing …what? Him? No, if they were honest now she'd tell him you cannot loose something that was never yours.
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
And yet he knows…she might be the one to break him…when the day comes that might take her away from him … But there it is again, the thing he never openly talks about. The things he has done, all those lives lost, all those deaths …a sea of fire …all because of him.
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once
There is nothing left to break. He isn't just broken, he is ruined. Or so he tells himself.
There is nothing there for her to save and yet …she has. He can't help wanting her to love him, even though nothing might ever come of it.
Even though …he cannot stand the thought of her not loving him. Of him not loving her….that is not even a possibility.
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Rose Tyler, his sweet, beautiful, stubborn, brave Rose …she healed a part of him. Brought something back to life within him that he thought had died hundreds of years ago. There was something about her that set her apart from the others …that made him say …almost yell at her….
NO, NOT YOU!
And then they stood frozen for a moment, staring at each other. She waiting for him to elaborate, to say something comforting, to profess to her ….something he was afraid to ever hear himself say out loud. Because it could be the end of him. He had already said to much …revealed too much. She saw everything with those bright, big eyes. She saw him …unlike any other being. And he hated himself for that small glimmer of hope in her eyes. So he had barged on with all the honesty he could muster up, knowing it might hurt her…the truth. And he had hated himself for that too.
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
Letting her go is nothing more than a distant pipe dream. He knows. He tells himself that he is a bastard, an egoist for wanting her with him always. He knows she can't be. But just this once his common sense is taking the backseat. If there was a way …he would find it …just this once …
Self preservation is what made him put a distance between himself and his companions. No matter how close they were, He'd never let them see all of him…all his pain, all his grief, all his guilt…all these emotions that were bound to cripple him once he let himself get too close.
They might see him how he saw himself sometimes …an orphan, a traitor, a killer ….a monster. So afraid that he might one day see it in their eyes, that he was huddling around their fire to make himself feel more …human? He'd never been that. Yet there was innocence to them that he lacked, that he wished he could absorb sometimes ….
Tabula Rasa …clean slate and all.
She made him long for that most of all. To be all that he could see in her eyes when she looked at him just this way. The way she had looked at him that one Christmas morning, right after she had whispered in his ear…..that she needed him. Even in his comatose state, even after seeing him with a strange face and his new body, even after everything she had seen him do….
She had still trusted him to keep her save. Trusted him with absolute confidence to wake up and save her. And he had, no matter what the cost …he always would. Anything to keep her save.
All that he could be he saw in her yes and he wanted so much to rise to the occasion.
To be her hero …
She had seen him at his worst…with the Dalek. She had stood up to him and his overwhelming pain that had turned into hate, into cold seething wrath…until there wasn't much difference anymore. She had seen him like that and yet her gentle Heart had not turned from him. She didn't know the whole story, not the half of it …mere bits and pieces. He could not bring himself to tell her, the pain was still raw in him. But she knew she could see it and it worried her.
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once
She had saved his life, even when he had sent her away she had not abandoned him…
She had come back, setting heaven and hell in motion to save him from his worst nightmare, from his nemesis. To save humankind…
She had swallowed time itself …
My doctor ….she had said….the time war ends….
She had saved more than him and yet…she had taken that shell …what was left of him ….and made him feel alive again ….as someone who could laugh and cry and joke …..and love.
He loved her …in every sense of the word. He would not say it, for if he did …it might break him. She needed to hear it …he knew ….so many times she had waited. He could not give her that. But he would make sure she knew …
Sarah Jane had seen it. And he had hated the hurt in her eyes, the sadness when she realized that Rose …Rose was different.
Not You …..
It might not still the fear in her heart. It could not still the fear in his hearts either. To see her wither and die …would break him; kill him like no enemy could. He tried to shield himself from that …but that road was blocked now. There was no going back …and just this once he would try….whatever it took…..anything ….
NOT YOU …
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first