A.N Well I have slaved away to make sure you all get a new chapter this weekend...I hope it was worth the wait and as of this week I intend to start a new routine that means that I write for at least an hour each day during the week...Hopefully that will mean that I will be able to get updates up more regularly...Well enjoy and tell me what you think.
A Time Best Forgotten
Part One
The Truth Within
Taylor walked into the house looking around for Haley. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the pile of smashed plates on the floor of the kitchen and took off at a run up the stairs. Reaching Haley's bedroom door she was surprised to see it wide open with no sign of her sister inside. Taking a deep breath she looked up and down the hall confronted with only open doors. She wasn't here. Her throat constricted as she madly went through the list of possibilities of where she would go but she could not come up with a single one that made any sense. Haley had barely left her room in days surely she would not now leave the house.
She went back downstairs and stopped as she saw the bathroom door slightly open and the vague outline of her sister's form slumped on the floor. Pushing open the door she looked at her sitting there arms wrapped around her legs head down rocking back and forth, back and forth. She could see her mouth moving but initially couldn't make out the words she knelt down in front of her taking hold of her elbows and tried to make eye contact with her. But it was of no use even when looking directly at her it was as if Haley was staring straight through her. Her eyes were blank and unseeing and still she kept chanting almost under her breath to her self, the same words over and over again.
"Chris loves me, my husband loves me. Chris loves me, my husband loves me. Chris loves me." On and on it went as Taylor stared at her in disbelief unsure of what she should do.
"Haley stop it," she said her calmness belying the turbulent emotions coursing through her, terrified that if she allowed her true emotions to show through that they could somehow upset Haley even further. But still it went on the same words over and over again until Taylor was literally fighting the instinct to place her hands over her ears and block it all out.
She couldn't begin to understand Haley at that moment. How she could sit there saying that Chris loves her was beyond any known form of logic and yet she persisted. Taylor wanted nothing more than to scream and yell at her that beating someone half to death was not a form of affection and certainly didn't show love but she knew instinctively that her words would fall on deaf ears. Haley was determined to believe that her husband had loved her even as he was beating her senseless and raping her and not for the first time Taylor wondered what on earth had made Haley marry that man.
Haley continued to rock her eyes staring unseeingly into space her arms wrapped around her knees, that same whispered chant seeming to dominate the room. Taylor looked at her and suddenly could not take it any longer.
"Haley stop it," she commanded once more her voice louder than before but still with no affect. Grabbing onto her arms she shook her slightly. "Stop it," she repeated but it was as if Haley had ceased to be aware of anything around her. Grasping her arms more forcefully she shook her harder. "STOP IT NOW," she shouted.
Haley blinked her eyes slowly swimming into focus as she looked incredulously at Taylor.
"What are you doing here Taylor?" she asked quietly her softly spoken question giving little indication that she really wanted or would even register her response.
"Haley come on stand up I think you need to go upstairs and maybe have a lay down for a while."
"What are you talking about Taylor I'm fine?" she said as she got gingerly to her feet.
"Oh well if you're so fine why don't you tell me about the little visit that Nathan just paid to you?" She watched as Haley's face lost what little colour it had and her knees seemed almost to give out from under her. She clutched onto the basin for a moment with both hands sucking in deep gasping breaths as she avoided looking at her sister knowing all too well the smug look she would be confronted with if she did.
She walked away from Taylor without another glance in her direction heading upstairs to the safe haven of her room, before she got there though she paused and turned looking quizzically at her sister.
"Where's Zach?" she asked.
"Oh you mean the nephew you have barely acknowledged since you've been here. I'm surprised you even noticed his absence. Hell I guess I should be grateful that you remembered he existed at all."
Taylor paused as Haley continued to stare at her "he's with Lucas Haley now why don't you go and get some rest."
Finally alone with her thoughts once more Taylor leaned back against the door completely drained from their little encounter. She had gone through such a range of emotions in the last few days but this one was new this one had almost sent her into a complete tailspin. Fear, the fear that Haley was gone when she arrived home, the fear she had felt when she had been confronted with her in that state and now the fear of what she was about to do. She was about to open herself up to something that she was not at all sure she was ready for in fact she wasn't sure she would ever be ready for it. But with everything else she had in her life at the moment she figured what was one more thing to add to the pile of things she was not really prepared to deal with.
Walking into the bedroom she picked up the leather bound notebooks that still lay on her bed exactly where she had left them. Haley had always expressed whatever she was feeling in the lyrics she wrote and Taylor hoped that hidden away in these books was the answer to all of her questions. She had so many questions and it had gone beyond the stage where she was simply curious she now knew that if there was any way that she would be able to help her sister she needed to know the truth about her sister. She could only hope that somewhere there in Haley's neat penmanship laid the key to unlocking all of the secrets of Haley's soul.
She walked out onto the porch sitting down on one of the chairs with her legs curled up beneath her. As she did one of the books fell to the ground and she picked it up casually glancing at the words that lay within. She gasped as the words seemed to jump off the page at her. Last night Chris raped me for the first time or at least the first time that I am finally able to admit that it was truly rape. You may wonder why I call it the first time its because somewhere inside of me I know that no matter what he said this morning that was just the first time of many.
The book thudded down into Taylor's lap as she stared without seeing out into her backyard. God these weren't just song lyrics these were diaries. Inside of these books lay who knew how many countless acts of violence and degradation all written in Haley's own words. She had been wanting answers and now it seemed she had been handed them in a more graphic form than she could ever have imagined. She regarded the book in her lap with distaste wishing she could throw it away and pretend that she had never seen it but she knew she couldn't do that. No matter what horrors lay in wait for her she had to know. This was not a situation where she could hide away and pretend that everything was ok this was her sister and if she was going to help her she was going to need all the help she could get.
Picking up the book she flipped back the pages to the inside of the front cover and read the words inscribed there. She had even given the journal a title and below the words the dates had been clearly marked. They coincided with shortly into their first year of marriage but it wasn't the knowledge of just how long this had been going on that sent a chill down her spine it was the words she had used to describe what this book was. The Truth That Nobody Sees. She knew that she and Haley had not always enjoyed the closest of relationships but surely there must have been somewhere there with her, someone that she was close to and could confide in other than Chris. How the hell could it be that no one had had any sort of clue as to what was going on?
Picking up the second book she flicked through the pages quickly seeing that almost half of them were empty she turned to the front inside cover and checked the dates. As she had suspected they matched what was her second year of marriage right up until Taylor had turned up on their doorstep that day. The words inscribed there were much simpler but in Taylor's opinion so much more bleaker than what had come before. My Life.
She set both books down on the arm of her chair and stood up there was no way she was going to be able to do this without a little Dutch courage. Walking into the kitchen she grabbed the liquor bottle and a glass before going back outside and filling her glass. She gulped it down praying for the numbing effect of the burning liquid that she knew would soon come. It was so tempting to drink glass after glass until she was sure she would no longer truly feel the horror of what she was about to read but she didn't honestly believe that there was enough alcohol in the whole world to achieve that.
She opened the first book and taking a deep breath began to read.
Well I guess most people would probably start an entry such as this with the words Dear Diary but somehow that doesn't quite seem to fit for me so I'm just going to write and see what happens. I haven't kept a diary like this since junior high but somehow it just seems fitting to begin one again now. After all yesterday I began a new life, a life as Mrs Chris Keller. That still sounds so strange to me to refer to myself as Haley Keller, I guess I never really imagined that this day would come but it has and I hardly know how I got to this day. The past year seems to be nothing more than a blur. I mean how is it possible that a year ago I was married to another man, a man I loved so much, and now here I am married again and all by the time I'm eighteen.
I know it sounds horrible to be saying this the day after being married but I'm just so confused. I really don't know how things got to this stage. Chris was never anything more than a friend to me for the longest time sure I guess I knew that he always wanted more but that never seemed to be on the cards for us. I was in love with Nathan and I thought Chris accepted that and then Nathan was gone from me. Having Nathan reject me that night almost destroyed me and I'm not even sure I would have gotten through it at all if it wasn't for Chris. When I first came back to the tour I wanted nothing to do with him, I started to wonder if maybe Nathan was right, maybe Chris had been the one who destroyed our marriage. But sooner or later I had to accept the truth that he wasn't the one at fault in this whole screwed up situation. Nathan and I were the ones who had gotten married and we were the only ones who could end our marriage. Chris was there for me at a time when no one else was and he was the one who helped me to get over Nathan, well at least as much as I ever will get over Nathan. I could never tell this to another living soul but there still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him and wonder what he's doing and if he's happy. It's a rare night that I don't dream about him and what it was like when we were together. I wonder what Chris would think if he knew that all these nights that I sleep in his arms in my mind I'm really with Nathan.
Yesterday as the JP was performing the ceremony for a moment I closed my eyes and allowed myself to pretend that it was Nathan standing in front of me holding my hands. In my mind it was his voice I heard as he said his vows that day on the beach, I could almost feel the wind in my face and the setting sun at my back so different to the registry office where I stood with Chris.
I wanted so badly to tell the JP to stop that this was all wrong but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't find the words to back out of the promise that I had made to Chris. But I know it was wrong to go through with it I don't really love him, not the way a woman should love the man that she's just married. In my own way I do love him and I think we'll have a good life together and if this last year has shown me anything its that he will stand by me when things get tough, the way that Nathan wouldn't.
I wonder what he would think if he saw me now sitting here in this God I don't even know what you'd call it. I guess it's a teddy but it's so revealing, there is practically no material and what there is of it is red lace that leaves nothing to the imagination. Chris bought it for me and a whole cupboard full of ones at least as revealing as this if not more so. There is no way I would have ever worn something like this when Nathan and I were together, God I feel ashamed even now wearing something like this. It just isn't me. Silk nightgowns and pyjama bottoms with camisole tops they're the sort of thing that I always wore and Nathan loved them. I can still remember the first time Chris saw me wearing one of my nightgowns he burst out laughing and the next day the first of these teddies arrived. I was mortified I didn't think there was any way that I could ever wear something like that but then there are a lot of things that I've done with Chris that I had never even imagined doing with Nathan.
Nathan was always so sweet and gentle when we made love, that's what it was with me and Nathan it was making love. It wasn't having sex the way it is with Chris, I guess the fact that I was a virgin when Nathan and I got married meant something to him. He didn't want to scare me; he wanted everything to be perfect, never pushing for things that he didn't think I was ready for. It would always be in our bed, and I would turn off the lights and slide under the covers with him and let him bring me the sort of pleasure that up until I married him I had only ever dreamed about.
It's so different with Chris, he wants everything to be so much more passionate, he likes to lay there and watch as I parade around the room wearing one of his latest purchases before he more often than not rips it from my body. The things that he has taught me and done to me and more to the point made me do to him are things I had only ever heard whispered about in the girls changing rooms in high school. I hadn't believed them, never even thought it was possible to do the things that they said. The first time he told me that he wanted to "fuck me up the ass" I nearly passed out. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do and I let him even though I hated every moment of it. All those times with Nathan I had never imagined that sex could be the way Chris made it and sometimes I wonder what sort of person I am to enjoy those things that he does to me. What sort of person does that make me? I always thought that only a slut would do the sort of things that I now do on such a regular basis. Does this make me a slut? Surely the fact that he's my husband makes it ok. But as much as I enjoy what he does to me it feels sort of hollow because there isn't the love there that made having sex with Nathan so special. With Chris it's nothing but Fucking but even so sometimes when I'm sitting astride him yelling his name inside my head its Nathan's name I'm screaming.
Sometimes I wonder when we're up on stage together doing our duet if the audience somehow knows what we do together when we're not on stage. The things he does in my dressing room or in the back of the car as we drive back to the hotel, in the elevator, the hotel pool just about everywhere. All of those people back in Tree Hill would they still even know me, to them I was Tutor Girl and then well my identity became wrapped up in the fact that I was Nathan's wife. I'm not sure even I knew who I was. Maybe I was afraid to find out on my own, maybe that's why here I am less than a year after my first marriage was officially over married again.
What is wrong with me I got married yesterday to Chris and still I seem to think about nothing but Nathan. I wonder if it will ever change if there will ever come a day when I truly believe that Chris loves me and I too love him.
Taylor finished her entry and stared into space as she absorbed the words she had read. Her eyes skimmed back over the words rereading some parts others already burned into her brain. She sighed knowing that she couldn't stop there she had to keep reading if she wanted to truly understand Haley. It was the only way she could help her.
Turning the page she found the second entry contained little that the first hadn't. There were more mentions of Nathan and the life she had had with him, so many references to her uncertainty about Chris. She skimmed through more entries finding more of the same for months, the entries erratic the book never wrote in every day. The thing that stuck out most thought was that gradually the mentions of Nathan became less. It seemed that the life of Haley Keller had become about the music and her husband. Nothing else seemed to matter to her it was almost as if the outside world had ceased to exist.
Finally another entry caught her attention. It started off with big bold black letters.
CHRIS WANTS TO HAVE A BABY.
Last night he told me that he wants a baby I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. He wasn't talking about this as something that he'd like to have happen one day he wants me to get pregnant now. I told him that I didn't want to yet that I wanted to concentrate on my career for a while and he went ballistic on me. He screamed at me telling me that I'm nothing but a selfish little brat, that if it wasn't for him that I would never have had a career. I've never ever seen him get so angry well not with me anyway. I can hardly even believe that I'm going to say this but I guess this is the only place and time I will probably ever tell anyone about this. For a minute last night I actually believed he might hit me, I know that sounds crazy but there was just this look in his eyes. I don't know how else to describe it but it was almost manic.
I was actually afraid of my own husband. I know I'm probably just being stupid as if Chris would ever do anything to hurt me physically or emotionally. I know most people probably think that now that we're married that having a baby is just naturally the next step but I really don't think I'm ready for that. I'm not even nineteen and I have a real chance with the music. Things are just starting to happen for me. I am so not ready for a baby which is why I did what I did today.
This afternoon I told Chris I was going shopping and went to see the Doctor. I asked him to put me on the contraceptive pill told him that I had just recently become sexually active and wanted to be safe from unwanted pregnancies. He didn't ask too many questions and prescribed it for me straight away so now I've got them hidden in my makeup case and every morning I will somehow sneak off and take my pill. Hopefully Chris won't be too disappointed when I don't get pregnant straight away and I'll be able to convince him that it's just going to take some time. I hate having to deceive him like this but I just can't get pregnant now. I know one day we'll have children but it will be when it's right for both of us. Until then you're the only one besides the doctor of course who knows the truth about the fact that I'm using contraceptives.
Thank goodness I have you to confide in. I guess there really aren't many people for me to talk to other than Chris these days. Ever since the tour with Michelle and Jessica ended it's been just the two of us travelling around and performing together. I guess these are the times where I really start to miss Peyton and Brooke and even Lucas. Sure Lucas was never much one for me to be able to confide girly stuff in but I knew that he would always listen to whatever I wanted to talk about and do his best to help me work things out. That's what a best friend does and for so long it was only me and him against the world. God those days seem so long ago it's almost hard to believe that we were ever those people that spent our days playing mini golf up on the roof of his mom's café. It seems like another lifetime and I guess in a lot of respects it really was. Anyway I better go I think I just heard Chris get home and I have to make sure I have you hidden before he comes in.
Taylor by now was engrossed in the entries she read and read not wanting to miss a single word until finally she found the first evidence of the monster that Chris was to become.
God I'm stupid. How could I have been so naïve and dumb. What sort of wife am I to make my husband feel like this? To make him do this to me because I know that it was only me at fault here. He told me weeks ago that he wanted a baby and I went behind his back and made sure that he wouldn't get his wish. Even though he doesn't know for sure I'm certain he suspects what I've done. Why else would he have hit me? I brought this on myself.
He just seemed so out of control for a moment when he made me take that test even though I already knew what the result would be and the result came back negative just as I knew it would. But there was no need for me to act so smug about it. He didn't deserve that and I know that I was in the wrong. He had looked at me and I had seen that same look in his eyes as the night when I had first refused to have his baby.
He was so sorry this morning though, I am sure that he will keep his promise and he will never do it again. Last night was just a mistake. We have both made mistakes and we will learn from them and in the end it will make our marriage stronger.
Taylor stopped setting the book in her lap and breathing deeply struggling to believe that her little sister who had always been so level headed had truly believed what she had been writing. There was so much more to read and she knew that she had to continue. It was imperative that she read every last word. Standing up she walked to the edge of the porch leaning on the railing and looking out at the yard, Zach's toys spread all around and not for the first time thanked God that she had him in her life. There were times when she thought that her life was bad but she knew that they were nothing compared to what others went through compared to what her own sister had been through. What her sister had continued to go through while she buried her head in the sand and pretended that nothing was amiss. She had failed Haley and she couldn't do that again, she walked back to the chair and picked up the book ready to continue to read.