A.N Ok the first thing I have to say is a huge apology for how long it has taken me to update...Life has been so insanely busy lately not to mention the fact that I have been sick for at just over a week...Now onto more important things...This chapter is totally dedicated to Cath who without her it would probably be stillsitting on my laptop three quarters done...But there are a couple of other people I would like to draw your attention to first off is Sam...God I love you and your reviews...Next is 'Sophia' well what can I say not only did you inspire me to continue this story as long as possible but thanks to you I broke the 100 review mark...The only piece of advice I'd offer is that if you're going to submit reviews such as those you might actually want to read the story that you're reviewing...Its slightly obvious when the reviews come through so close together but whatever...I know what it was about and all I can say is Good Luck to you because you sure as hell aren't going to get the best of me...So thank you 'Sophia' and to those of you who read the story I reccomend you check out her reviews and let me know what you think...Hope the chapter was worth the wait and I will do everything in my power to make sure that the next one does not take so long...
A Time Best Forgotten
Part One
The Darkness In Words
You're probably the only person that I'll ever tell about this which I guess in some ways makes me pretty pathetic with my only confidante being a book but I guess that shows just what my life has become. Last night Chris raped me for the first time or at least the first time that I am finally able to admit that it was truly rape. You may wonder why I call it the first time its because somewhere inside of me I know that no matter what he said this morning that was just the first time of many. I still can't even understand it. I guess there were warning signs that it was coming but I refused to see them and now I don't know what to think.
Everything seemed so good last night he was so happy when he got home. His agent had called him with the possibility of a gig and after so long with no work it finally seemed as if things were coming together. He came home with a huge smile on his face and surprised me with such an amazing hug and kiss. I get so confused when he acts like this. I never quite know what to expect from him, sometimes he can be so loving and then other times he can be so volatile. But I know that the only reason he gets like this is because I force him into it. If I could somehow live up to his expectations of me he wouldn't get so upset. After all he only wants the best for me and has done so much to try and help me achieve everything I ever wanted. I really should show him more gratitude.
I was in the middle of cooking dinner for the two of us making sure that it was just right for him he's been so down lately and I wanted to do something special for him. He came in and I heard the door slam and by reflex I jumped. He laughed when he saw me but then came in and like I said before he was so affectionate. He insisted that I leave the dinner because he was taking me out but he refused to tell me where. Then he pulled out a blindfold and asked me to turn around, I literally felt chills run through me at the feel of his hands on my skin, I know most people would think that's a good thing but as hard as I try I can't stop the fear that courses through my body whenever I'm in the same room as him. I just wish I could control it. He promised me just yesterday morning that he would never hurt me again. He was so remorseful and he promised me that he would never ever hurt me; he seemed so scared that I might leave him. I had to make him understand that I could never and would never do that. For better or worse I married him and I intend to live up to that.
I know there are people out there who would probably say that there is something wrong between Chris and me but they just don't understand the special relationship we have. Its like nothing else I've ever experienced Chris says that its because this is what real love feels like, love that is so passionate and raw that sometimes emotions just spill over and that's just what happened last night.
Chris tried so hard to make it the perfect night for me and it was spoiled. I should have made more of an effort. I have to be more understanding of how hard things have been for him. Chris was so sweet with the carriage ride through Central Park and then taking me to dinner at Nobu. He was just so determined to make it a special night and then things just went so wrong.
We walked into the restaurant his arm around my waist and were greeted almost immediately by the Maitre D. He was so gushing so effusive. He called me Miss Keller and told me how wonderful it was to have me and my guest in their restaurant. Chris got all stiff as he stood next to me and I saw the look the Maitre D gave him it was almost dismissive. I really didn't know what to do so I introduced Chris as my husband hoping that it would somehow calm the bad vibe I was getting. But Chris didn't seem happy with that either. He glared at me when I said it and then just walked away from me going to the table and sitting down. It took a lot of effort but eventually I got him to calm down and we enjoyed our dinner. I'm not that much of a fan of Japanese food but I know Chris enjoys it so I tried my best to eat what I could.
By the time we were ready to leave he seemed to be his normal self and we walked outside holding hands. I still don't know why I didn't notice them straight away I guess I was just too focused on Chris anyway before I knew what was happening we seemed to be surrounded. So many camera flashes going off and photographers yelling for my attention and then one of them took it too far. Chris was happily posing with me his arms around me when one of them told him to get the hell out of the way. He said something like 'No one is interested in seeing you mate. The readers only want to see people who are somebody like Haley here. I tried to protest that I wanted him in there with me and that he was a wonderful musician he was just going through a down time but they didn't listen and Chris seemed so understanding. He moved off to the side and smiled at me as he watched them continue their barrage of shouted commands. The flash of the cameras just kept going and going. I looked at Chris and could see the smile wasn't really reaching his eyes. I told them that it was enough and left with him.
He was kind of quiet of the way home but I was too lost in my own thoughts to realise how upset he was. I was insensitive to him and his feelings. We got home and he seemed kind of moody. I've seen him in that mood before so I tried to go to him and hug him but he pushed me away. Then next thing I knew he was screaming at me asking me how many times I'd been to that restaurant and who I went there with. I told him that I didn't know what he was talking about I had only been there once before and that was with Michelle and Jessica but he wouldn't listen. He kept screaming at me about how the Maitre D knew me and I had obviously been there before. He wanted to know why the Maitre D thought I was single, told me that the only plausible explanation was that I had been there before with other men. I tried so hard to tell him that it wasn't true but he kept insisting telling me that if I just admit it then everything would be ok. So finally I did it even though nothing could be further from the truth and that's when he grabbed me. He threw me up against the wall so hard that I was almost knocked out when my head thumped up against it.
It seems so strange now looking back at it almost surreal. The way he ripped my skirt off and thrust himself up into me so hard that I actually screamed with pain. That seemed to please him though. He told me that he loved to hear me scream and that no other man could ever or would ever make me scream the way he did. He seemed so proud at that moment. After it was over he left me on the floor crying and laughed. "Maybe now you'll remember who you're married to," he said to me before he walked out leaving me out there on the kitchen floor. It was only hours later when I tried to go to bed that I discovered that he'd locked me out of the bedroom.
I spent the night wide awake trying to figure out how I should make it up to him. Maybe I should have this baby that he wants so badly. I have to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. I can't leave him he was so sorry this morning explaining to me that it was just the fact that he loves me so much and the thought that another man might have touched me that made him act the way he did. How can I possibly be angry with him for loving me so much? I will never ever make him doubt me like that again. He seemed so hurt. I now know I just have to do better. I have to be a better wife.
God it just keeps getting worse Taylor thought but she barely paused before reading on to the next entry. It was dated three days later.
I hate hospitals so much, those damn doctor's and nurses are so nosy and interfering. They should just mind their own business and do what they're paid for. I didn't ask for them to stick their nose into my marriage and I sure as hell don't want them to. Its not like there's anything they can do anyway I married Chris for better or for worse and just because we're going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment is no reason for other people to start interfering. We'll get through it.
I feel so bad for Chris all he wants is to have a successful career as a musician and people just won't give him a chance. The gig that his manager lined up for him was cancelled because apparently somebody told the event organiser that Chris is unreliable. That is so unfair. Sure there have been a few occasions where he has decided at the last minute that he's unable to play but he always has a reason. These people are being so unreasonable. Chris is convinced that his career is in the toilet and I get the feeling that he sort of blames me. He told me last night that before he hooked up with me he was going places but now all anyone sees him as is husband of Haley Keller. I tried so hard to tell him that it isn't true that he has so many fans but he just wouldn't listen, kept insisting that he's nothing anymore. It didn't matter what I said or did he just wouldn't listen.
Then I made things so much worse but I was just trying to help I really thought he'd be happy. I told him that I would speak to Tony my manager and get him to include him in my new tour that's coming up in a few months. It all happened so fast after that it was like a blur. I was on the ground and my head was bleeding. Chris was standing over me screaming at me. He called me a fucking bitch, screaming at me that he wasn't anybody's charity case let alone mine. I tried to explain to him that I didn't mean it like that and he didn't need any charity. I believe in him so much but he was just so angry I don't think he even heard me.
He was pouring himself a drink and I got up to try and somehow get through to him just how much I love him and believe in him. I guess my reflexes were a bit slow because of the knock on my head because I never even ducked as he threw the bottle at my head.
I must have been knocked out because when I woke up he was gone and I was all alone. I started to clean up the broken glass knowing how much he hates mess but before I could finish I heard the door open. I don't know how long he was gone for but his eyes looked so strange when he got back. He was smiling at me as he came up to me stroking his hand over my face and looking genuinely surprised when the dried blood came off on his fingers.
He took me by the hand and led me into the bedroom where he undressed me so gently and took me into the shower. He washed the blood from my hair and face and cleaned my body then he put me into bed and just sat there beside me stroking my hair as he waited for me to fall asleep. It reminded me of all those nights after Nathan and I split up when he would sit by me as I couldn't sleep stroking my hair until eventually I would just fall asleep. I would wake up in the morning and he would be sound asleep on the sofa or sometimes even the floor beside my bed.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew he was shaking me awake with this strange smile on his face. He was smoking a cigarette which didn't make sense since he hardly ever smokes unless he's been drinking and never inside. I asked him if he would put it out and he just laughed. When he spoke again I knew I was in trouble.
He asked me if I had sweet dreams and I told him I didn't even know if I had been dreaming because I couldn't remember any dream. He smiled that strange smile again and then really quietly told me to stop lying. I promised him I wasn't lying and he seemed to believe me or at least that's what I thought. Then he held the cigarette up in front of my face and asked me what my problem was with it. I told him that I just don't like them. That's when it came out of nowhere. He made some comment; I think it went "Oh I bet your precious Nathan would never smoke would he?" I assured him that this had nothing to do with Nathan and it was like some switch was flipped inside of him. He pinned me down on the bed holding the lit cigarette over my chest and then slowly started to lower it towards me telling me not to lie.
"You were dreaming about him weren't you?" he said to me. Then he told me that I had been saying Nathan's name in my sleep. I didn't know what to say I don't even know why I would dream about Nathan, Chris is my life now. I told him that I wasn't and that's when he did it he pushed the lit cigarette into my breast causing me the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life. I could smell burning flesh and the whole time he did it he held my face in his other hand looking into my eyes and smiling.
He told me he was going to make me forget about Nathan if it was the last thing he ever did and then he told me once more what I already know is true Nathan would never want someone like me now, the person that I've become. Chris is right I'm a whore who enjoys it when he makes me get on all fours and enters me from behind. Nathan would never want a slut like me. I destroyed everything that there ever was between us and if he could see me now he would be disgusted.
I begged Chris to believe me, believe that anything that Nathan and I ever had is completely over, that he is the only man that I want to be with now and forever. But he wouldn't believe me no matter how much I begged. He got into bed beside me and went to sleep without another word and when I tried to touch him he pushed me away.
This morning when I woke up I found him holding the bed covers up looking at the burn. That's when he told me that it was disgusting and I really should get it seen to, then he told me that the sight of it was enough to kill any attraction he felt towards me and if I ever wanted him to have sex with me again then I had to get rid of it or he would find someone that actually turned him on. Hearing him say that I knew what I had to do.
Going to the hospital was nerve wracking walking into the waiting area I found it almost empty and was so relieved. I told the nurse that there had been an accident and I had been burnt. She told me to wait and someone would be with me as soon as possible. Sitting there all I wanted to do was run away but Chris' words kept ringing in my head and I knew I had to stay. When she called me into the examination cubicle I walked in. She was looking at me expectantly waiting for me to show her the burn. I removed my top, I wasn't wearing a bra it was too painful. I heard her gasp as she saw the reddened blister, perfectly round so obviously from a cigarette.
She asked me how it happened and I could see the opportunity to finally tell someone the truth. I didn't honestly believe she would be able to do anything to help me but just the thought of being able to say the words out loud, to share the truth with another person, not to have to live this horror alone. I even opened my mouth ready to tell her the truth, this perfect stranger who didn't know me, didn't know Chris, didn't even know Nathan. Her eyes were filled with curiosity and then almost before I knew what was happening I told her the lie Chris had spent half an hour coaching me in before I left.
I began to tell her how I had been out at a party the night before and it was really crowded inside and someone had walked into me with a cigarette. I could see she didn't believe me but I continued anyway. My words were spilling out so fast that she had no chance to interrupt me but eventually I ran out of things to say. She looked at me and I could see the pity in her eyes I wanted to run away before she had the opportunity to speak.
I waited for the accusatory stare followed by the words that would tear down my every defence, all the walls that I've erected to protect me from people finding out the truth. I was so sure that the moment had come where someone was about to see beyond all of my pretences, seeing me for the pathetic creature that I've become. My mind was racing trying to find the words to refute the accusations that I was so sure were about to come flowing out of her mouth. But the only thing she said was to tell me that she could book me an appointment with a plastic surgeon within the next few weeks. The burn would have healed sufficiently by then for them to be able to assess it for the best possible course of action.
The entire speech was delivered in the same flat emotionless tone and I found myself looking up into her eyes, looking for some sign of the pity she must be feeling. The distaste that she expected to see was either well hidden or non existent. Once again the thought that perhaps this woman could be my confidante or my escape route flashed through my mind. But the truth was always there the knowledge that there was nowhere for me to run to. Tree Hill was no longer an option for me the bridges had all been burnt. That was my past and my future could only ever be with Chris.
My head was spinning at that moment, there were so many conflicting thoughts racing around as I told myself that my life was with Chris even as this stranger treated the latest damage he had inflicted to my body. I felt her move away from me and looked up at her freezing in place as I spotted the camera in her hands. I think she saw the fear in my eyes because she smiled at me before explaining that in order for the plastic surgeons to treat my breast properly they needed photos from when it was first treated.
As she snapped picture after picture I knew deep down that this should be a humiliating experience but for some reason those emotions wouldn't come. As seemed to be the case more often than not lately I felt nothing. It's like the last few years have sucked something out of me and slowly but surely I've lost everything until I'm nothing but this shell. The photos were placed beside me on the table and I vaguely heard her tell me softly that she would be back soon. I knew that she wanted to give me a chance to look at the photos and maybe she thought that when I did I would suddenly see what it was she saw and I guess to a certain extent she was right. Seeing those pictures it was hard to believe that it was my own flesh so horribly disfigured but instead of making me want to get away from Chris instead it made me aware that I had to get home. I had to get away from this woman who even as I sat there could be causing all sorts of problems that I didn't want to even think about. Those photos sitting there almost seemed to be screaming my name and barely thinking I quickly put my shirt back on before grabbing them and running.
As I sat in the back of the car heading back towards our apartment I felt for the first time in a long time a surge of anger coursing through my body. I could hardly believe it the longer I sat there the more I became convinced that she had indeed been looking at me with pity and I felt a rage unlike anything I could remember in recent history. I could hardly believe her nerve to actually pity me. Here I was a famous singer with the sort of marriage she could only dream about. My husband loved me so much more than any average man. The love we share goes above anything that I could have ever imagined experiencing if anything I should be full of pity for anyone not lucky enough to have a marriage such as mine. I knew Chris would find me a plastic surgeon when the time came, someone who could be discrete about our business.
I'm sure he will support me through all the surgeries. He'll be there for me just like he always has been. I shudder now when I think about how disloyal I used to be towards him thinking that the only reason I needed his concern was because of the damage he himself inflicted but over time I have come to realise that this is simply not true. Sometimes I am filled with regret about the way my life has turned out. I had such plans for what I would do with my life and so little of it has transpired. Sure I have my career but what else is there. If I was to die tomorrow who would actually even notice bar Chris. He is all I have and slowly I have come to the realisation that perhaps he is all I need.
Once my life was filled with so many people but before that there was a time when apart from my parents there was only one person who really mattered to me. We shared such a bond it's hard to believe that I will most likely never see him again but like so many things I have become used to the idea. Sure there are times when I miss all the stupid stuff we used to do together and the laughs we shared playing miniature golf and having water balloon faults but I guess that's kid stuff and now its time for me to start acting like the married woman that I have become. It's so strange sometimes to think that I'm a woman and considered to be a grown up by so many. In some ways I don't feel any different to how I did in high school but then in other ways it seems as if I've lived an eternity and seen so many things. There are nights where I lay in bed just wishing I could go back to those days when things were just simple, there were no complications and we just lived our lives in the shadows and all we had was each other because that was all we ever needed. I still remember the last time I saw Lucas. He and Brooke came to New York desperate to convince me to give up the tour and come home with them, come home to Nathan but I refused. The words he said to me in that moment I don't think I'll ever forget as long as I live. I tried to tell him that things were so much simpler when it was just the two of us. He gave me this look that to this day I don't think I can totally decipher and then he grabbed my hand and said "But it's not." Even though he kept holding my hand for several more minutes that was the moment that I knew that I had lost our friendship forever. I try not to let myself think about that too much it just hurts me but at the same time I am so terrified of forgetting all these things that so long ago made me who I was. Perhaps they have little to do with the person I am today but for a long time they shaped Haley James and to a smaller extent Haley James Scott. Haley Keller is a different being altogether.
Oh God I have to stop here I hadn't realised how late it was getting Chris will be getting home from his meeting with the accountants any minute and I have to make sure you're put away somewhere safe.
Taylor shrieked as a hand grabbed her arm roughly.
"What the hell are you doing?" Brooke's shrill voice asked. "I can't believe you would sit here enjoying the sunshine while your sister is upstairs, the same sister you professed such concern for when you called me. I guess what they say is true a slut in leopard print doesn't change her spots."
Taylor passed her the book she had just finished reading. "Just shut up and read and then you can try to tell me that I'm not concerned about her. Oh and I'd be careful who you go around calling a slut if I were you. Lucas told me all about the first time the two of you met, something to do with you half naked in the backseat of his car I believe. Oh and if I'm not mistaken there was even some leopard print involved."
Brooke looked disdainfully at the book but she took it from her and opened it up an audible gasp coming from her lips as she saw what it was. She looked up at Taylor but she had already picked up the second book and began to read. Taking the hint Brooke sat down in the chair beside Taylor and started to allow the words to wash over her. She was terrified of what she would find and deep down she knew that she was about to discover the true evil that inhabited the earth. Her argument with Taylor forgotten as the words engrossed her entire being.