A.N Ok so having a week off work clearly agrees with me...I actually managed to update both my stories in a week...I have to give a huge shout out to Hilary for this chapter...She's been a huge help...Hope you enjoy this chapter...Author's note is going to be short and sweet tonight since its now 2am and I have work in the morning...
A Time Best Forgotten
Part One
Secrets Of The Dark
Nathan sat watching Haley, too scared to leave the room even though she had long since cried herself to sleep. Knowing everything that she had gone through he was sure it was hardly the first time that she had cried herself to sleep but he still couldn't bring himself to leave her. He settled more comfortably in the chair, he still didn't know what had happened earlier to upset her so much and had not seen Taylor, Lucas or Brooke to find out but it didn't matter at the moment. All that mattered was that she had finally fallen asleep and for the most part seemed to be sleeping peacefully.
Despite his urge to stay with her he still didn't really know what he was doing there. She hadn't seemed to be aware of him at all as he had carried her up the stairs and had only once appeared to register his presence. She had been laying on her bed sobbing so brokenly her back to him then had turned towards him as if suddenly realising she wasn't alone. She had stared at him her face showing no surprise to see him there instead she looked at him as if she didn't even know who he was. Then she had spoken, the only words she had uttered in the two hours he had been there with her.
"Nathan, get out."
"Haley, I…." but he hadn't finished his sentence not even sure what he would have said as she turned away once again.
He hadn't left though and had instead sat there in silence watching over her trying to connect this sobbing broken woman with the happy, fun loving teenager he had known as his wife. He was so confused, less than two weeks ago he had been sure that he would never see her again and he had made his peace with that and now here she was a broken shell of a woman who barely acknowledged his existence. He wanted to help her but didn't know if that was for his own peace of mind or out of a genuine need to try to make her once again what she had been. But what would happen if and when he accomplished that. Would she simply leave again or would she stay here in Tree Hill a presence in his life once again. He didn't even know if he wanted that, he didn't know what he wanted. The only thing he knew was that it hurt to see her like this knowing what she had once been and knowing that in his own way he was responsible for it.
He heard noises in the hall once or twice hushed voices and hesitant footsteps but he didn't go to reassure the worried trio that he knew waited to hear that she was ok. He was almost surprised that Taylor had not burst in here demanding answers or insisting on taking over from him. The older James sister had never exactly been known for her subtlety even in the most delicate of situations and yet even she seemed to realise the need to stay away at the moment.
He must have drifted off eventually although he was not aware of it happening. He had slid into the blessed relief that dreaming gave him. All of the realities of the situation ceased to exist as his subconscious took over.
Haley stood before him smiling up at him. He reached out a hand to stroke her face and she pressed herself into his touch. His other hand came around to cup her head as he leaned in to kiss her but she laughed up at him. "No Nathan, not yet," she said happily. "You need to come with me."
She took him by the hand and started pulling him along. He noticed for the first time his surroundings and started in surprise. They were in their old apartment and she was pulling him down the hall towards their bedroom. As they passed through the living room he looked up and saw the pink paint marring the wall, the picture of the grotesque clown staring back at him.
He tried to stop for a moment wanting to explain to her why he had done such a thing but she simply smiled tugging on his hand. He allowed himself to be pulled along wondering what she had planned. They entered the bedroom and she pushed him back to the bed making him sit on the edge as she stood in front of him.
"Why don't you want me anymore Nathan," she asked and for the first time the smile disappeared from her face. "Is it because I'm dirty?"
He stared at her not knowing what to say. He wanted to tell her that that wasn't true, that he would always want her but the words wouldn't form.
"I killed it didn't I Nathan? I killed whatever it was we had when I left you. I killed your love."
He tried once again to speak but it was as if his tongue was glued to the roof of his mouth. He tried to reach out to her but his hands remained by his sides. She walked to him leaning down and placing her hands on his shoulders.
"I'm sorry Nathan I never did stop loving you."
She straightened up again the smile back in place on her lips and turned walking away. He tried to stand to follow her but nothing happened. She continued walking as he finally found his voice and called after her.
"Haley stop, I need to talk to you. Haley please." But she continued walking and it was only as she finally disappeared from the room that his legs finally seemed to regain feeling. He leapt from the bed breaking into a run as he entered the by now empty hallway.
"Haley," he yelled. "Haley where are you?"
There was no response as he went from room to room throwing the doors open a fever overtaking his body as he found them empty. Standing in the middle of the hallway he turned around slowly spinning in a circle looking for anywhere else she could be. He could hear the sound of her sobbing but it seemed to be all around him and he couldn't tell where it was coming from.
Seeing the bedroom door that he had just exited from once again closed he stepped towards it suddenly certain that that was where the sounds of her sobs were emanating from.
He grasped the door handle a feeling of dread gripping his gut. Slowly he pulled the door towards him unprepared for what lay on the other side. He stepped through and found himself at the docks, the table that they had gone to the first time she had ever tutored him in front of him. He looked up and saw her sitting there slumped forward her head buried in her arms and felt a surge of relief course through him.
His feet felt heavy and it seemed to take forever to walk the few metres that would take him to the table. Finally he reached her; he stretched out a hand to touch her sighing in relief as he felt her warm skin. At first she didn't respond and he squeezed her should harder desperate for her to look up at him, desperate to stop those heart wrenching sobs.
"Haley, what is it? What's wrong?"
She raised her head to look at him and he recoiled in shock. There was blood trickling from her nose and one of her eyes was black with bruising. The tears flowing down her face mixed in with the blood diluting the colour so that it appeared pink. He tried to reach out to her again but she flinched away.
"Haley what happened?"
She didn't answer though, instead her gaze fixed at a point over his shoulder and she smiled through her tears. He turned wanting to see what or who it was that gave her such comfort and found his worst nightmare.
Chris stood there smirking at them both. Nathan's hands clenched into fists at his sides as he felt Haley move to stand beside him. He looked down at her but her attention was fixed solely on the smirking man standing in the distance. She started to walk towards Chris and Nathan grabbed at her arm wanting nothing more than to prevent her from going to him.
She shook his hand off and continued forward. He moved quickly going to stand in front of her.
"Haley please stop," she looked at him and the smile faded from her face.
"Get out of my way Nathan," she said moving to walk around him.
"No Haley you can't go to him, he'll hurt you."
She stopped then smiling at Nathan and for a moment he relaxed certain in the knowledge that she wasn't going anywhere.
"Chris won't hurt me Nathan, Chris would never hurt me, not like you did."
What was she talking about? Surely she knew that he would never do anything to hurt her not like that other monster did.
"I would never hurt you," he told her desperately.
"But you did Nathan, you did this to me."
He looked back at Chris who still stood there holding his hand out towards Haley.
"Haley please stop, don't go to him. Don't let him do this to you."
"But he loves me Nathan, he loves me so much."
Nathan could feel his anger building.
"This isn't love," he told her pointing at the marks on her face and arms so clearly caused by human hands. "This has nothing to do with love."
"But it's the only love I have," she said quietly. "The love I get from my husband."
He tried to grab her arm again but she kept slipping away from him getting closer and closer to Chris' waiting arms with every step. He tried once more to stand in front of her, to block her path but every time he moved it seemed she was always three steps ahead of him. He could feel exhaustion setting in but doggedly went on trying to get to her, trying to stop her from going to Chris.
His feet felt so heavy and no matter what he did he couldn't seem to move any faster. He looked up Haley was now only metres away from Chris, he made one last desperate lunge forward but it made no difference and as he watched she walked up to Chris slipping her hand in his. Chris looked at him lying on the ground and grinned, before turning and walking away taking Haley with him. Nathan got to his feet walking desolately to the place that she had been. He heard something crunch under his foot and looked down. There on the ground was the brightly coloured Cracker Jack bracelet, the same one he had given her at this very place the first time she ever tutored him. He bent down picking up the cheap plastic bracelet twining the elastic around his fingers, sinking to the ground he closed his eyes guilt over letting her go back to Chris once again churning inside him.
He felt a hand touch his shoulder and opening his eyes he was surprised to find that he was no longer kneeling on the pavement that he had been mere moments before. Instead he now found himself on sand. He looked up and saw the crashing ocean before him and immediately turned his head to the side looking for whoever it was who had touched him but there was no one there.
He saw a group of people standing off in the distance and was overcome with a sense of de ja vu. They looked so familiar even from where he knelt. Standing up he walked towards them finally recognising where he was. He was at the beach, the exact spot that he and Haley had got married and the people standing there in that little cluster were the exact same ones that had been there on that other day almost six years before.
He saw Haley's parents and the minister, he could see Haley and strangest of all he stood looking at himself standing right there beside Haley. He walked closer wondering what would happen when they saw him but although he stood right next to Lydia no-one paid him any heed.
He looked at himself and Haley standing there so obviously full of joy and found himself mesmerised as the two of them said their vows both of them so clearly in love. He wondered what had ever gone wrong with them, how did they ever go from this loving display to what they were today.
He felt a hand slide into his, their fingers intertwining themselves with his. Without having to look or hearing her say a word he knew who it was.
"Why are we here?" he asked her. "Actually no before you answer that you might want to tell me how we are here. How can we be here watching this? I mean that is us standing out there getting married isn't it?"
"Of course it's us Nathan, that's the beauty of dreams; none of it needs to make any sense."
She put her fingers to her lips in a shushing motion and leaned in avidly to hear.
Someday, this beach might wash away….the oceans may dry…the sun could dim but on that day, I'll still be loving you. Always and forever. I promise you Haley.
"Always and forever," she repeated softly as she watched the two of them reciting their wedding vows. "Do you remember saying that to me Nathan? Do you remember how it felt?"
Nathan nodded silently unable to tear his gaze from the sight before him. She squeezed his hand impatiently.
"Answer me Nathan; I need to hear you say it."
"Of course I remember Haley, how could I not?"
She smiled at him again and he smiled back.
"Now stop talking and watch," she said to him with a laugh.
He turned his attention back to the ceremony but was conscious only of the small hand inside his own much larger one. As he watched the celebrant uttered the words that sealed every marriage.
"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride."
He watched in wrapt anticipation as he leaned in toward Haley's waiting lips. Haley's hand on his jaw drew his attention away from what was occurring though and he looked down at her. As he did she leaned up pressing her lips against his.
His breath caught in his throat as she pressed harder against him demanding entry to his mouth. He opened his lips allowing her tongue to come out to meet his as he closed his eyes. He groaned low in his throat and pulled her in closer to his body savouring the feel of her so close to him again. He heard the sound of applause all around them and congratulations as the two of them became linked as husband and wife, but there was another sound hidden beneath the applause that slowly became more audible until eventually it drowned out the ringing of applause in his ears.
The air around him was once again filled with her sobs, and he opened his eyes in confusion finding her gone from his arms. He looked around for her but she was gone. He looked towards where the wedding had been progressing only moments before but found himself confronted with only a strip mall like so many others built right there on the beach, destroying the pristine sand that had once been there, all of the flowers and grass that had been nearby gone. He shook his head in confusion. What had happened? The sobs grew louder and louder and looking up at the sky he screamed out the only word on his mind.
"Haley….."
He opened his eyes abruptly finding himself just where he had been before all the madness had begun, Haley still sleeping peacefully in the bed. The only sounds filling the room his laboured breathing and her quiet sighs. He sat up drenched in sweat and looked at his watch; barely an hour had passed since he had last looked.
He noticed his hands shaking violently in his lap and desperately tried to still them. The dream if that was what it was had been so vivid, he had truly felt as if he was there, standing in the apartment, watching her at the docs, even a guest at their own wedding. He knew that logically it didn't make any sense but every moment of it had felt so real.
People supposedly believed that dreams had some sort of meaning but what possible meaning could a dream such as this have apart from the very real possibility that he was losing his mind.
It was almost as if he could still taste her lips on his and frustrated he ran a hand through his hair. There was no doubt that he was taking complete leave of his senses because for one brief moment he had allowed himself to consider the possibility that perhaps she had kissed him while he was sleeping. But that was just ridiculous; he knew that even if he had a hard time admitting just how much of an impossibility such an act was between them at this point in time.
There was so much that had happened in the last five years. Although he had protested to everyone that he had accepted Haley's disappearance from his life with ease it had been far from the truth. For the first three years after she had left he had followed her career avidly, reading everything he could lay his hands on never missing a TV performance. Always searching for some sign that perhaps there was some hope for them but nothing ever gave him the sign that he craved and slowly he stopped looking.
He could still remember when her first song became a hit. He had listened to the lyrics certain that they were written about the two of them. He had been so close to driving straight to New York City that night right up until the moment he had listened to the interview she gave after performing the song live for the first time. Hearing her say that the lyrics were about her fiancé Chris had hurt him so much.
That was the first he had heard of her impending marriage and hearing her laugh and joke with the presenter as they gushed over her relationship with Chris he had felt physically ill.
The words of her song 'Halo' seemed to fit their relationship so well and now to hear her say that she had wrote it for the other man was almost more than he could take. He had allowed himself to hope that perhaps this was her apology to him and then she had dashed his hopes so cruelly.
Listening to her sing about how she hadn't promised him a ray of light or that there would be sunshine everyday. It was as if she were singing those words especially to him. He knew that he had put her up on a pedestal during their time together unable to believe that she could ever do anything wrong and that it had been an unfair expectation. What he hadn't understood then was that he had been putting too much pressure on her. These words seemed meant for him and yet she had claimed to have written them for Chris, the man she was now going to marry. Their annulment had barely been finalised and she was already planning a life with another man.
He was brought out of his thoughts by a noise, at first he was unsure where it had come from until she spoke.
"They've set a court date. They want me to testify against him."
He paused unsure what he could or should say in response. He was so shocked that she was speaking to him but more than anything he was terrified, terrified that one wrong word could cause her to shut down on him again. He wasn't even certain that she knew who she was speaking to maybe in the dark she had mistook the shape of him for Taylor or Brooke.
"Why are you still here Nathan?" she asked then and any illusions he had held that perhaps she was unaware of his identity were shattered.
"I uh, I guess I didn't want to leave you alone while you were so upset."
"Why," she pressed him, "do you really think it's the first time I've been alone in the dark with only my nightmares for company?"
"Well no," he said then stopped not knowing what else to say. "But that doesn't mean that you should have to be. We want to help you Haley, I want to help you."
She laughed then a harsh guttural sound and he winced at the misplaced humour in the sound.
"How exactly do you think you're going to do that Nathan, how do any of you expect to be able to help me? Who says I even want your help?" The last part was spoken so softly that Nathan had to strain to hear the words. "Maybe I'm beyond help."
"Don't say that," he said quietly but with certainty. "Don't ever let yourself think that way Haley. You're so much stronger than you know."
"Huh who are you trying to kid Nathan, I'm not strong I never have been."
"Oh really so who was that girl who stood up to my parents when no one else would? You never let them intimidate you Haley? When my mom bitched you out for marrying me you never once backed down, when my dad did everything he could to try and sabotage us you didn't let him. How could you think that you have no strength? You're one of the strongest people I know."
"But that's just it Nathan you don't know me, not anymore. I'm not the person you remember. I'm not that naïve little girl that believed that marrying you was the answer to her prayers. Even back then Nathan I had no strength, no courage. Do you have any idea how many nights I spent on that first tour just trying to work up the courage to call you, but I never did, not until much later and by then it was too late."
Nathan felt his heart clench at those words, knowing that she was referring to that one night barely a year after he had sent her away that she had called him and left that message begging him to call her back, the message that he had deleted but been unable to forget. He had hardened his heart against the urge to call her back telling himself that she had a new husband now, that whatever crisis she was going through, she should just get help from him. Little had he known that her husband was the crisis, he was exactly what was wrong with her life.
He almost didn't hear her when she spoke again, so consumed in his own thoughts that her softly words almost didn't register.
"You should hate me Nathan, why would you want to help me after everything I did?"
Something deep inside of him registered the truth in her words. She was right he should hate her and yet somehow he just couldn't. God knows he had tried after she left to hate her, to close his heart to her and rid himself of the love he felt but he just couldn't do it no matter what he tried. Some part of him would probably always love her but that was the past. His only purpose here now was to try to right some wrongs, to appease the guilt he felt for his part in her marriage to Chris. He was the one that had handed her to the other man on a silver platter and he needed to atone for that mistake. After that he would finally be able to move on with his life. He had Cathy now and once all this shit was finally resolved he would be free to love her the way he had been telling himself for months that he should.
He felt a modicum of guilt at the thought of his girlfriend so clueless in everything that was occurring. He had never really opened up to her the way he should, he would have to do better in the future and he had to believe that what he was doing here with Haley tonight would allow him to do that. He was desperately trying to convince himself that he was doing it for Cathy but even he had trouble believing that.
"I don't hate you Haley," he said finally answering her question of moments before. "I'm not sure what I feel but I don't hate you."
He shifted uncomfortably in the chair and could feel her gaze on him. "Nathan why don't you go to the spare room and get some sleep?"
"I'm fine here," he told her even though he knew it was more than obvious that he was lying.
"You're clearly not," she told him. "I'll be fine just go get some sleep."
"Haley you're anything but fine at the moment. Sitting in this chair all night is not going to kill me," he said, his groan of pain as his leg cramped showing him to be the liar she knew he was.
She sighed moving over in the bed. "Come here," she told him.
"What? Haley, no…"
"Nathan just get in the damn bed. You need to get some sleep and there is no way you're going to do that sitting in that stupid chair. Now get in."
"Haley I can't."
"I'm not asking you to have sex with me I'm just giving you a place to sleep. God we used to be married surely we can spend a night in the same bed without all this drama."
He looked at her uncertainly, his emotions warring within him. He wanted nothing more than to get in that bed with her, to be physically close to her again but he didn't know if he should. She was so fragile right now, what if this pushed her over the edge?
She sighed again this time with frustration. "Nathan for fucks sake will you just get in here."
He could hardly contain his shock, never had it been so blatantly clear just how much she had changed then in that moment. The Haley he had known years before would never have cursed like that. It sounded so wrong to hear those words coming from her mouth.
Uncertainly he stood up moving towards the bed, he sat on the edge removing his shoes silently questioning his own judgement half expecting her to start freaking out on him at any moment but she remained quiet.
Sliding into the bed beside her he did his best to not get too close not wanting to scare her.
"See," she said "isn't that better. Now I don't know about you but I'm going to get some sleep."
She turned away from him and he heard her quietly whisper in the darkness. "Goodnight Nathan."
"Night Haley."
He lay there for some time just listening to her breathe, he knew that despite what she had said she was not sleeping. It was almost an hour before he heard the change in tempo of her breath and knew she was once again sleeping. But sleep was suddenly nowhere to be found for him, it felt surreal to be lying there beside her again and although he knew it probably didn't really mean anything he couldn't help but wonder what it all meant to her.
It was almost like a dream to be lying so close to her again. It was something he had never thought would happen in his lifetime to be actually sharing a bed with the woman he had once been married to. There was not the slightest inclination of anything sexual in the act simply borne of necessity and comfort though whose he couldn't be sure.
Sleep did eventually come to him and finally his mind stopped whirling with everything and simply slipped into oblivion.
When he woke the next morning he was almost surprised to find himself there to find that it hadn't simply been some strange dream. He turned towards where she had been lying only to find the bed beside him empty. He looked around the room but there was no sign of her.
Suddenly the door burst open and Zach stood there his mouth open in surprise at finding his uncle there instead of the aunt he had come looking for.
"Hey Uncle Nate mom told me to come tell Aunty Haley that breakfast is ready. What are you doing here?" he asked obviously confused.
"Aunty Haley had a bad dream," Nathan told him. "You know how your mom gets into bed with you when you can't sleep well that's what I did with Aunty Haley."
"Oh," Zach said absorbing the information, then brightened almost instantly. "Are you going to have breakfast with us too?"
"Yeah buddy of course I am. I'm just going to wait for Aunty Haley to come back."
"But she'll take forever" Zach complained "can't you come now? Daddy's making pancakes."
"Pancakes wow that sounds great," Nathan told his nephew. "Guess we better get down there before your mommy eats them all hey."
Zach giggled "yeah come on," he said holding out his hand towards Nathan.
Nathan got out of the bed putting on his shoes before allowing Zach to lead him downstairs to breakfast.
Lucas stood at the stove cooking just as Zach had said he was. Brooke and Taylor sat at the table blatantly ignoring each other.
Everyone looked up as they entered.
"Morning," Nathan said.
"You're still here," Brooke said surprised "but where did you sleep."
Zach chimed in with the answer "he slept in Aunty Haley's bed, she had a bad dream," he told them all.
Nathan could see Luke shooting him questioning glances out of the corner of his eye but steadfastly avoided looking at his brother. Instead he walked to the bench pouring himself a coffee before joining the two women at the table and pulling Zach up into his lap.
Knowing that there was an inquisition awaiting him he deliberately concentrated all of his attention on his nephew listening with rapt attention as Zach talked a mile a minute, his attention only leaving him when Haley walked into the kitchen twenty minutes later her hair still damp from the shower.
He looked at her and smiled reassuringly waiting for her to smile in response but her face remained blank. She was looking at him the same way she had ever since she had got back and he mentally kicked himself for thinking that perhaps the events in the early hours of this morning had actually meant anything.
"Aunty Haley was there monsters in your dream?" Zach asked urgently. "Sometimes there are monsters in my dreams but when there are Mommy gets into bed with me just like Uncle Nate did with you."
For just a moment Haley's gaze rested on Nathan's face and he thought he saw a flicker of something behind her eyes but then it was gone just as suddenly as it had come.
"Um yeah monsters," she said quietly as she sat down cradling her cup of coffee in her hands.
Taylor suddenly jumped into the conversation drawing Zach's attention away from Haley.
"Hey Zach what do you want to do today? It's the weekend which means no pre school for you and no work for me."
"But Mommy you haven't been going to work since Aunty Haley came to stay anyway."
"Yeah but I have to go back this week Zach otherwise we're not going to have any money to buy you your new soccer stuff."
"Mommy you have to go to work." Zach told her as the adults around the table laughed, all except Haley who simply looked at him mutely a ghost of a smile crossing her lips.
Lucas set down a huge stack of pancakes and they all began eating. After they were done Nathan stood up. "I need to get going I have stuff to do today."
Although his words were directed at the group as a whole his attention was focused solely on Haley waiting for some sign of acknowledgement of his words but she simply continued to stare at her plate.
He sighed in disappointment it seemed whatever progress he thought they had made the night before had been washed away in the cold light of day.
Brooke stood up too. "See you later Nathan, I'm going to go have a shower."
After she left Lucas, Taylor and Zach stood up from the table. "Come on Nate we'll walk you out," Lucas said.
He threw one last look at Haley before walking towards the front door with the others. "Um I guess I'll see you around Haley," he told her hoping for some kind of response though just what he wasn't sure.
Feeling defeated he walked out to his truck trying to appear interested in the chatter going on around him.
Haley stood up from the table walking into the living room and going to the window as she watched him climb into the driver's seat.
"Bye Nathan," she said quietly. "Thank you."