BOBBY'S PLACE - MORNING
Sam and Dean gaped at the laptop screen when they heard Balthazar's name.
Upon finally making his entrance, when Balthazar stepped out, the cheering was damn near deafening. If he wasn't the star of the show, it might've needed a re-tool. His show wardrobe was very similar to his usual outfit, but in shades of dark blue. (More angelic?) The band played the intro to Rush's "Limelight."
Balthazar met Crowley in frame, turning to the audience in general, and pointed to the band. "Outside Her Syndrome, ladies and gentlemen," he said into his mic, barely audible over the audience. He waited for the screams to die down. "Welcome back, my darling Zealots. Be honest - didn't you miss having us sitting on your shoulders?"
"We certainly missed having you to sit on," Crowley said. He sneered at the audience, gesturing grandly to them as he spoke. "Our squalid gallery of leering spawn," he said. "I thought we had pest control in last month. What are they're spraying you with that keeps you coming back?"
"I have a theory," Balthazar began.
But the fans were laughing so much, he didn't finished. It was too weird: a demon and an angel, playing cute for a studio audience. Balthazar was pouring on warm and fuzzies and Crowley was essentially wicked witching the crowd. They were like the theme park versions of themselves, and the audience loved it - every joke got a decent laugh.
"Enough, enough," Balthazar said, and then turned to the camera, addressing the folks in TV Land. "Before we start arguing about who sprayed what on where, let's have a peak at the Tally and reset for the new season."
"The Soul Tally is basically exactly what it sound like," Crowley explained to the camera. "Everyone watching at home, along with everyone here in the pit, has a chance to bolster our efforts by committing their souls to the cause-."
"And you get to choose where your soul goes," Balthazar said. "All you have to do is print out a copy of our standard contract from our website, make your mark on the dotted line, and send it to us care of Heathcliff Studios to get back a signed copy and a free Zealot Box, full of Inferno merchandise-. They're more than worth your soul, I promise."
"Or, come down to the show an get your contract signed in person," Crowley said. "Tickets are free, but you can only sell your soul once, so make it count. And don't forget to check the box that says who you're giving your soul to."
Crowley and Balthazar both gestured to themselves, as if to say, Pick me.
Balthazar turned to someone off camera. "Alright, Virgil, let's see the board."
The wall beside the entrance opened up to reveal a very Romanesque scoreboard. It showed that Balthazar had five-thousand, two-hundred and twelve and Crowley had three-thousand and ninety-eight.
"You've gotta be kidding me," Crowley said to the audience. "Still? I'm beginning to think you people don't even want to go to Hell-."
Bobby paused the video. All the guys were pretty mad after that part of the show, but Sam looked crazed, like he was going to explode.
"When is this from?" Dean asked, scowling.
"A few days ago," Bobby said. "But the shows been on the air for about three years now."
"No," Sam said quietly.
"Friggin' Time-Crotch," Dean said. "I knew something like this was happening."
"It's terrible," Castiel said. "By now, they might have taken half a million this way." He looked down despondently. "I can't believe Balthazar would do something like this."
"Really?" Dean asked, with pretty much all the attitude ever. "You don't know how he could make a deal with Crowley?"
"No way," Sam said, shaking his head. He was getting pretty worked up, staring at the paused screen.
"Take it easy," Bobby said.
"You know, I actually felt guilty," Sam said to no one in particular. "Everything here was going so great, and it seems like we just screwed our world up, you know? Like things would be better off without us? But this... The Sam and Dean in this dimension gave their lives to save the world, and... and the bad guys get their own TV show?!"
"Okay, I'm gonna need you to take a breath," Dean said gently, trying to put a hand on Sam's arm.
Sam pulled away and backed up. "No!" he said, and gestured to everything. "All this is no!" He pointed to Bobby and Castiel. "You live in a world of no!" He inhaled and bit his lip - eyes on the ceiling, hands on his hips - pacing anxiously.
"We're gonna kill 'em," Dean said. "That's what we're here to do, it's gonna be fine. Look at me."
Sam started shaking his head again, looking like he might start to rage-cry. "...,Friggin' Gomez and Morticia," was all he could say.
"You need to lie down?" Bobby asked.
"He's okay," Dean said dismissively, patting Sam on the back. "We're okay - just play the damn show."
By now, the boys had managed to completely alienate Bobby and Castiel. Bobby unpaused the video.
"Reset the board, Virgil," Balthazar said. "Now let's get to the main event. Two teams are still in play: Last season, Tom and Amanda Newie from Little Rock, Arkansas took the Devil's Path through the second circle and are now advancing to the next arena. Meanwhile, our Navy Seals - Raymond James and Josh Helmann - chose the Angel's Path and were cut down in the seventh circle by our guardians. Do we have a clip of that, Virgil?"
A highlight reel played of another arena, one with a giant roller-derby track. Two muscle-bound men in protective gear were running out the clock, trying to keep their footing as they roller-bladed around the circle, when two familiar women came on screen. They were the biker chicks who ran after the sniper in Heathcliff Studios - one was a petite woman with a slasher smile and a Wonderbra, the other was tall, tan and muscular, with pale blue eyes and a determined expression. They both wore plastic, articulated armor painted to look metal, open-faced medieval helmets, hemp "chain mail" and brown leather. Their costumes looked kinda badass. Even without the slow-mo replay of them clothes-lining a couple of giant Navy Seals in a hell-themed roller derby, they still would've looked pretty scary.
On seeing them, Dean and Sam seemed sick to their stomachs. Sam let out a little groan.
"Oh, perfect," Dean whined.
"Yep," Bobby said. "Dolly and Mog, defenders of the seventh circle."
"You know them?" Castiel asked.
"We've met," Sam said, folding his arms uncomfortably.
"At least twice that I remember," Bobby said. "Tough ladies. The boys couldn't win against either of 'em, let alone both of 'em."
"Those things aren't ladies, okay?" Dean said defensively. "They're juggernauts. Couple of bikini-waxed trolls, damn-near impossible to kill. Anyone who goes up against them would get their asses handed to 'em-." Dean looked at Sam apologetically, patted his shoulder. "Sorry, man, poor choice of words."
Bobby looked at both of them, confused. "Am I missin' something?" he asked.
"I don't wanna talk about it," Sam said. He walked off and sat on the couch next to Frank the Rabbit.
"The goons have a thing for Sammy," Dean mumbled quietly. "They can... get a little gropey."
He turned a sympathetic eye back to Sam, who was now petting the rabbit with a somewhat sullen expression.
"How many times you run up against 'em?" Bobby asked.
"Four so far," Dean said. "Last time, they were slingin' cattle for this strung-out chupacabra down in ABQ. You can out-smart 'em, out-run 'em, or distract the hell out of 'em, but you can't kill 'em."
"A juggernaut can only be killed by other juggernauts," Castiel said. "It's potentially problematic."
"The hell you say," Dean said sarcastically. "Maybe we can buy 'em off. Give 'em Cas as a virgin sacrifice."
Castiel made the Squint of Death at Dean.
When the clip of the rolling butt-kicking stopped playing, they cut to Balthazar standing with both guardians near the audience. The women had their helmets off - the petite one had long, wavy blonde hair and too much make-up, the larger one had short, asymmetrical black hair and a lot of piercings.
"Ladies," Balthazar said, "you've defended your circle once again and claimed a team of worthy travelers. How do you feel?"
He held his microphone out for them both, but the blonde pulled it to herself. As she did, a graphic came up on the screen, identifying her as "Dolly."
"Well, y'know," Dolly said, whist loudly smacking some orange gum, "you just gotta go out there 'n' beat the piss outta e'rybody, 'n' hope fer the best. I try t'imagine the travelers is singin' Jingle Bells, 'cause that really gets my hate up." Her southern accent was deeper than humanly possible and suggested she was some sort of cartoon villain.
Balthazar held his mic out for the other woman. "And you, Mog?" he said. "How do you feel?"
An expletive must have flew out of her mouth, because the first thing Mog said was bleeped.
"****heads!" she yelled. "Aye, we was splifficated from mornin' on, an' I was sure t'have a chaw stowed in me bosoms, fer good spit."
Her graphic, when it came up, simply said "?" and her accent-.
You know what? No idea. No freaking idea. Sorry.
"The always exciting, Dolly and Mog!" Balthazar said. There was much love from the crowd.
Dolly took the microphone again, giving Balthazar a flirty smile. "Haaay," she said.
"Hey," Balthazar said back, chuckling and giving Dolly some come-hither eyebrows.
"So, whatcha'll doin' tonight?" Dolly asked.
Balthazar tried not to let his smile settle into a grimace. "I'm hosting the show," he said.
Big laugh from the audience.
"Pfft, I know," Dolly scoffed, playing it off. "I was just makin' TV talk wich'all."
Thankfully, they switched to whatever camera was on Crowley, who was watching the whole thing, his face emanating epic levels of royal contempt.
"I'm just calling an ad break," he said to some one off-screen. "Can we do that? Yes; no?"
Outside Her Syndrome began "Limelight" again, to play them off to a commercial.
Crowley turned to the camera, "Don't bust that nut just yet," he said cheerfully, "there's more uncircumcised fun on the way when the Newies enter the third circle. Will they choose the Devil's Path again? Find out, when Inferno returns..."
Before Bobby stopped the video, Sam saw Dean nodding along to the music, subtly sturgeon-facing in approval.
"Nice," he said. "You can say one thing about those two, they know a theme song when they hear it."
"That's all you have to say about what just happened?" Sam asked, annoyed.
"What, it's Rush," Dean growled. "They got taste, is all I'm sayin'."
"Nice to know where the line is with you, Dean," Sam said. "Now who's a whore?"
"I'm not the one you can buy for a box of crayons," Dean said.
Bobby sighed. "It's all comin' back to me," he said.