Daphne and Apollo: Jerry Springer-style
The Metamorphoses belong to Ovid. Jerry Springer belongs to...Jerry Springer.
In Latin class we were told to remake one of the stories in a modern day setting. Clearly this is not possible without throwing in Jerry Springer.
Jerry: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to this episode of Jerry Springer! You probably remember our previous topic, "The gods next door keep playing tricks on me, turning my husband and myself into trees," and the one before, "Because of drugs, my son thought he could fly and subsequently drowned." So in the same vein, I'm here to present today's topic of "Trees and the men who love them."
Crowd: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry: So let's start off with our first pair, the original tree hugger and the object of his desire, Apollo and Daphne!
Apollo walks in from one side, wearing shades and looking like a model for GQ. A leafy shrub (nicely manicured) is carried in on the other side by a bouncer. As Apollo takes his seat, and Daphne is placed next to him, the tree leans away in arboreal disgust.
Jerry: How are you doing, Apollo?
Apollo: Not bad. Got a few sacrifices in the morning, took the horses for a walk, just a typical day for a super-important deity such as myself.
Jerry: And what about you, Daphne?
Daphne: (looking as angry as a tree can) Like, not bad, you know? The gardener pruned me (of course he really over charged, but it's, like, so hard to find good service this millennium), and then I went out shopping for my fall colors, but you know, there are so few colors that fit my complexion, so then -
Jerry:(interrupting) Well, isn't that nice. Let's get down to business. Starting with Daphne, how did you meet Apollo, what was your first impression of him?
Daphne: Like, oh my god, I 'met' this Loser (with a capital 'L') when he started chasing me. I mean, I'm like totally minding my own business and wandering through the woods, trying to be like my personal heroine, Diana, when this jerk starts chasing me! I mean, no means, like, no!
Apollo: Aww, c'mon, baby! It wasn't so bad. What girl wouldn't want to be chased by a stud like me?
Daphne: If I had a hand, I'd be, like, totally raising it. He's such a jerk! He won't even let me finish talking without interrupting. I mean, First Amendment! I have the right to talk too, you know. It's not like he's the only one in the world with something worth saying. I am totally into the deep stuff, you know, philosophicals. I've read all the books on the Oprah reading list...or at least listened to them on tape, so it's not as if I'm just a shallow -
Jerry: (once again interrupting) Hey, Daphne. Let's stay on task. You were just to the part where Apollo was chasing. And, Apollo, try not to interrupt.
Apollo: (nods).
Daphne: Okay. Well, there isn't that much more to say. So here he is chasing me, kinda like a mangy dog chasing a poor, innocent rabbit. Hey! I wrote a poem using that comparison. Let me just -
Audience: NO!
Daphne: Whatever. So anyway, he's chasing me, trying to get me to stop saying all this male chauvinist stuff, and I'm like 'no!' I mean, I'm not completely stupid or something. So I keep running, but eventually, I'm, like, getting so tired, despite the fact that I run regularly and eat only Special K and yogurt, and Mister I'm-Such-A-Loser is catching up. Suddenly I see this river, and I'm, like, so relieved, since my daddy owns all major rivers, streams and brooks in Europe, North America and parts of South America, so I call out to him and say 'Like, totally, help!' And daddy, because he was preoccupied with that legal suit about tax evasion or whatever, didn't really hear me too well so he changed me into a tree.
So here I am, a tree, and I'm thinking, 'well, I may be a tree and all, but at least he'll, like, leave me alone.' But then he doesn't! I mean, like what is this guy's problem! I bet he didn't even go to the prom! So here he is, trying to kiss me, and going on about how he's going to wear me in his hair (Eww! He probably has, like, lice or something) and how the Romans are going to love me forever (Sha' right, togas are so B.C.). I'm mean, like oh my god! Can't the guy leave me alone?
Apollo: Baby! Don't talk like that! I love you so much. You're the only girl...tree...one...for me (except for Cassandra, Cyrene, Hyacinthus and that one time with Marpessa). It's not my fault. Cupid shot me with the arrow! I can't help myself!
Jerry: Funny that you should mention Cupid. We've got a little surprise for you, here at the studio.
Apollo: Huh?
Jerry: That's right! Come onto the stage, Cupid!
Cupid walks on the stage. Apollo gets up angrily and tries to attack the boy, but the bouncers stop him. Various members of the audience start calling, "Jerry, Jerry!"
Cupid: Hey Apollo, how's it going?
Apollo: I'm going to punch your face in, punk! (expletive expletive expletive expletive!)
Cupid: (expletive expletive expletive expletive!)
Jerry: Calm down, both of you. Now Cupid, I want you to explain why you shot Apollo with the golden arrow of love and Daphne with the leaden arrow of disdain.
Cupid: Quite simply because I wanted to teach Apollo a lesson. I'm preparing my arrows when, without provocation, Apollo comes over and starts insulting me, saying only men should use arrows and I should stop "playing" with them. Nevertheless, I showed him, who was playing with whom.
Apollo: Geeze man! I'm sorry, okay? It's just that I had just finished hunting down the Python that tormented my mother and I was really proud.
Jerry: Funny that you should mention the Delphian Python...
Apollo: (crestfallen) Geh...?
Jerry: That's right! The Python is here in the studio, so that we can hear his side of the story!
Suddenly a gigantic snake smashes through the farthest wall. As it comes to the stage, it eats several audience members on its way and poisons some more nearby.
Audience: Aieeeee!
Jerry: Now, Python, what have you got to say to Apollo?
Python: Roar!
Apollo: Aieeeee!
The Python eats Apollo before moving away, breaking through yet another wall and wandering down the street, no doubt in search of either Tokyo or Manhattan so it can go on a rampage in a massive orgy of chaos, violence and cheesy special effects.
Jerry blinks, more than slightly confused, but at last recovers.
Jerry: It seems our show has been ended early this week. Now what have we learned this week? Maybe that even gods should learn when to stop. Maybe that revenge can be cruel and unnecessary, hurting innocents around us...Or maybe we learned that trying to interview giant evil snakes isn't a good idea. Anyway, stay tuned for next week's topic, "Because of miscommunications, my lover and I committed ritualistic suicide, then blamed it on the lions." See you then!