Chapter Three – If I start now…..I won't be able to stop..

Shayera Hol sat at the Ops desk looking out into space. She was the only League member manning the Watchtower while the others were down on Earth preparing for John and Mari's wedding. One hand was on the desk and the other was fiddling with the handle of her mace. She had received an invitation to the wedding, cream with gold edging and lettering. She had accepted the card with dignity and ignored the gleam of satisfaction in Mari's eye when she told her that she could bring a friend to the wedding. Though she and Mari got on, there had always been a competition going on between them. It seemed to Shayera that at the end of the day, the better woman had won. Shayera had wanted to fight for what she wanted; she would have done before her people had invaded Earth. She had changed since then. She was still impulsive, stubborn and a force to be reckoned with when she was fighting but she understood humans and their feelings more.

She hadn't fought. She'd given in. And not ten minutes after Mari had handed her the final bomb in their quiet battle, Shayera had run right into the victor's spoils.

Shayera walked out of the meeting room, clutching the invitation to John and Mari's wedding in her left hand. She was glad to be out of there, glad to be away from the looks she had been receiving. She hadn't felt quite so uncomfortable since the day she had returned to the League after months away. She was about to head for her quarters when John appeared and there was no way of avoiding him.

"Shayera," he called. She saw his eyes dip down to the card in her hand.

"Hi," she replied "Just got back from Batman's?"

"Yeah," he answered. He was still looking at what she held. "There was a riot at the medical institute so we dropped by and lent a hand."

Shayera smiled and nodded. Her hand was beginning to feel rather heavy under his stare. She wanted him to look somewhere so she could dispose of the invitation without drawing more attention to it.

"Um." John said briskly "I have to be somewhere. I have to see J'onn."

"Okay," she replied. "See you around."

Shayera had never been so happy to see him walk away from her than she was right now.

As soon as SHE had reached her room, she crumpled the invitation up in her hand and flung it into the trashcan. She was glad to see it in the trash, it was out of the way for now.

That had been the first blow; the second and final blow had been Wally telling her he was going to be John's best man. When Wally had told her she had brushed if off and congratulated him. She knew she couldn't ask Wally not to be John's best man and she wouldn't have done, even if she could have. She had clutched onto her mace to help her keep control. The power had flowed through her fingers and had given her the strength not to react violently. Wally was a friend to both of them and it was wrong to make him choose between them but since he had told, she had been avoiding him as she had John. She couldn't trust herself around them. She was clinging on to the edge of reasonable behaviour by her nails and couldn't afford to slip. To help her work through her feelings, she had taken to flying during the night. She would push herself to the limits. She would return feeling refreshed and exhilarated but the pain was still there.

She looked up at the digital clock and saw that in an hour's time, Mari would become Mrs John Stewart. Shayera found herself wondering what John would be wearing. She had always liked him in black and green but from what Mari had been saying, he wouldn't be wearing anything green at her wedding. Shayera had wanted to say that surely it was up to John what he would be wearing but she had relented. It wasn't her job to say anything. Shayera had been told that Mari was wearing a gold fitted wedding dress that was off the shoulder and hugged all her curves and was to have gold flowers intertwined with her dark hair. Shayera had always thought that brides were meant to wear white. She didn't know much about the wedding customs of humans despite living with them for years. She had assumed that they all wore white dresses because she had flicked through the magazines that Mari had left purposely around the Watchtower; all the women were wearing white. If it had been Shayera's wedding day, she would have followed her own Thanagarian customs. She would marry in the nude.

Shayera rammed her fists into the desk with frustration and watched as the lights flickered back at her. She had no right to be feeling how she was feeling. She gave up that right many years ago when she betrayed the Justice League. John had not been the first man she had loved. She had been engaged to Hro. She had loved him but when she met John, it changed. She had come to Earth thinking that she would be helping the planet. She believed the data she was collecting for her people would help defend the Earth against the Gordanians. She had been sickened to learn what Hro was planning and she had turned against her own people.

She wondered if things had been different, would it be her wedding day today? John didn't want her anymore. She had given him ample opportunity but he always went back to Mari and now he was marrying her. She had always thought Mari was the rebound girl and that one day John would come back but it didn't look like that now and Shayera was angry with herself for living in hope. What right did she have anyway to cling to that hope? When John had told her about their son, her hope had been justified and she knew there was a future. Now she couldn't help but think that in John marrying Mari, he was trying to wipe out their future son and that angered her. How could he do that? Did Rex mean nothing to him? Maybe Rex was never really meant to be but without giving them a try, John was destroying any hope of his ever being.

Shayera was beginning to think it had been a bad idea saying that she would stand watch at the Watchtower. She could've spent today roaming the skies, burning off all her restless energy instead of being confined to a room. She was beginning to understand how a caged bird felt, bored and restless.

Shayera had lost count of the times, she had stumbled across Mari discussing wedding plans.

Shayera wanted to walk straight back out of the recreation room as she soon as she discovered who sat in there and what she was doing. But as she turned to walk out, a voice had called to her.

"Shayera," said Mari "I need to ask an opinion."

"You're asking me?" Shayera asked as she turned around.

"Well, you are opinionated," came the reply "so you seem like the right person to ask."

Shayera smiled and made her way over to where Mari was. The orange-clad woman sat amongst piles of screwed up bits of paper, bridal magazines and price quotes.

"What do you need my highly opinionated services for?" inquired Shayera, as she cleared a space on the couch for her to sit down.

"Finally decided on the menu and wanted someone to look over it," Mari said, thrusting a page into Shayera's hands.

Shayera could feel Mari's eyes on her as she looked through the menu. Chicken Breast with Olives NiçoisesQuails with GuinettesGuinea Fowl with Wild MushroomsDuck Fricassée with White Beans

"You have quite a selection of birds," said Shayera. "Not everyone likes to eat them."

"Oh," replied Mari "I didn't think of that. It's too late to change it and I am sure no one will complain."

Shayera didn't feel comfortable about eating birds and she knew she wasn't alone. She couldn't help but wonder if Mari was trying to make some kind of point. Maybe asking her not to attend the wedding without actually putting it into words..

"It's your wedding," Shayera finally answered.

"Yes it is," agreed Mari..

There had been so many times she had nearly gone to John and begged him not to go through with it but every time she reached where he was, she couldn't do it. Her words failed her and she would walk away without talking to him. Each time she walked away, her heart shattered a little more and if she was honest, she didn't think her heart could take any more. On her planet, she was a warrior, cold-hearted because the job had demanded that of her but here on Earth, things were different. She was surrounded by humans who felt as well as fought. Tears were threatening to fall and she couldn't allow that because if she started now, she wouldn't be able to stop.

"It will do you some good," came a voice from behind her

Shayera turned and saw that J'onn was standing in the doorway; he was the last person she wanted to see besides Mari and John.

"You still here?" she asked. "You had better get going or you will be late!"

"I came to see if you were okay," he continued, ignoring her question.

"As you can see I am fine." she bit back "You're wasting time. Just go!"

"Shayera!" he began.

"Just go!" she demanded.

She heard J'onn slip away and was thankful that she had been left to her musings again; the pain was more bearable when she could block people out and she didn't need J'onn probing her. She was annoyed at herself for letting emotions get the better of her. She wasn't about to let them rule her. She was grateful that he came to see if she was okay, it meant something but she wasn't in need of him because this was her fault.

She straightened her back. Her wings felt heavy today and normally she wouldn't even be aware of them because they were part of her. Now they felt foreign to her, like they didn't belong and part of her blamed them for her current situation. Maybe, she had been right all along, she and John were just too different to work. She had to let him go and she had to let go herself. Shayera wanted John to be happy and with Mari he was. Maybe her presence at the Watchtower was making him uncomfortable and she was preventing him from moving on. It was there and then that Shayera decided that she would hand in her resignation when the wedding party returned. She had to give John a chance at happiness.

TO BE CONTINUED...