By now, everyone knows I've tendered my resignation. I'll miss the adventure and excitement here, but I no longer think I can work with Carson Beckett. Oh, he's a good man in many ways. He's a caring physician, and I've seen him bring patients back from the brink of death. But today I saw a different side of him, and it scared the hell out of me.

I told John Sheppard that after the Holocaust the only people my father felt bitterness towards were the ordinary German citizens. That's only partially true. I found out several years after he died that he had been one of the few to pass through Mengele's laboratories and survive. He therefore couldn't forgive the scholars, the learned men and women, either. Doctors, scientists, professionals who should have known better than to succumb to the seduction of Nazi propaganda. No doubt many felt that they were doing the best thing for their own people. And so they put the tools of medicine and science to work trying to find the easiest path to genocide, since the ends would invariably justify the means.

I have to wonder. Is that so different from what we're doing here? Are we trying to change Wraith back into humans, or are we trying to find the easiest way to destroy them? God help me, what have I been a part of?

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I first became uneasy when I overheard Carson in the infirmary talking to Weir and Sheppard about the young Wraith girl. As he discussed her physiology, his eyes lit up with the excitement of discovery. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it raised my hackles anyway. Maybe it was the way in which he referred to her, very clinically detached. By the time he offhandedly indicated his desire to work with a "cooperative test subject", my mental alarm bells were ringing furiously.

I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, though, so I approached him as he was preparing to go offworld. "Carson, do you have a minute?"

"Sure. What's on your mind, son?" When I hesitated, he looked concerned and waved me into his office. "Is everything all right, then?"

I wasn't quite sure how to say it, but I gave it a try. "I couldn't help but overhear you talking about a Wraith child. What's going on?"

Carson grinned, looking excited again. "It's really quite fascinatin', actually. We don't know all that much about the life cycle of the Wraith, but it seems like it may have two distinct phases: the child form, which can exist on actual food, and the adult form, which needs to feed on humans to survive. I won't know much more until I get there, but from what Colonel Sheppard tells me, this young Wraith has gone for several years without feeding on anyone! Apparently a serum her father developed is inhibiting that aspect of its metabolism..."

Carson would make a good medical school professor. He enjoys lecturing and teaching things to people, and can't help but transmit his own enthusiasm. However, it wasn't helpful at that moment. When he paused to take a breath, I jumped in. "You're taking the retrovirus with you? I thought it wasn't ready yet."

"Oh, it's not. But if it is the serum that's helping this Wraith to avoid feeding, it's possible that we could incorporate part of its chemical structure into the retrovirus's genetic code. Why do you ask? I didn't think you were interested in molecular genetics."

I forced a smile of my own. "I'm not. I think it's horribly boring stuff. I was just a little worried, that's all. You might be putting yourself in danger if you use an untested delivery system." Not exactly the truth, but it would do.

"Och, I appreciate your concern, Steve. No, like I said, the virus is far from ready for human trials. The most I'll be doing is conducting some tests with fresh blood and tissue samples. It's a pity, though, that we won't be able to bring her back with us." Before I could say anything regarding my concerns about ethical experimentation, Carson patted me on the back and walked towards the door. He looked at me over his shoulder and said, "Besides, look on the bright side. If anything does happen to me, you'll get promoted to CMO!" Then he left.

To quote the wise Han Solo, I had a very bad feeling about this.

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Sure enough, things didn't go very well, to say the least. I heard some of the details during the post-mission briefings. (Dr. Weir had asked me to sit in, to provide another medical perspective.) The Wraith girl, Ellia, desperate for a cure to her hunger, managed to inject herself with the retrovirus without anyone noticing. Instead of doing what it was supposed to do, though, it stripped her of all her human attributes. She was beginning to undergo a transformation from Wraith to one of those bug creatures, and in the process gained speed and strength. Unfortunately, her mind was also affected, and Colonel Sheppard was forced to kill her in self defense.

The thought that kept going through my head was that this death could have been prevented if Carson had left well enough alone. Yes, I know that Zaddik's serum didn't work and she probably would have continued killing villagers. But the fact that she had a conscience was a more hopeful sign than we'd ever seen before. It also added to the tragedy.

I'm not sure why I felt so personally betrayed. Maybe it was because I thought that, as medics, we should be noncombatants in the war against the Wraith. Maybe it was also because Carson had listened so compassionately when I told John the story of my family's experience in Nazi Germany, yet he was trying to tinker with the very genes of the enemy. That hit just a little too close to home.

Whatever the reason, I was furious over the next few days. I didn't see much of Carson during that time. They'd brought Ellia's body back to Atlantis, and he was no doubt observing Dr. Biro performing the autopsy. (Now there was a woman who enjoyed her job a little too much.) It was the third night after their return that he and I were finally in the infirmary at the same time.

To be fair, he looked devastated. There were dark rings under his eyes and he sat slightly hunched over. His face never lost its haggard expression. Nevertheless, my emotions were still raging, and I tried to ignore him during most of our shift.

From the looks Carson kept giving me, he knew I was upset, but couldn't seem to figure out why. He eventually took the direct approach. "Steve, you're obviously angry about something. Can ye tell me what it is? Maybe I can help."

I took deep breaths for a few seconds, not entirely trusting my voice. "What the hell happened down there?" I finally ground out. "You said the damn thing wasn't going to be used!"

"It shouldn't have been," Carson said quietly. "Ellia took matters into her own hands, and I think I can understand why she did it."

"Oh, so she has a name now."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded.

"It means why did you even tell them about it to begin with?" I snapped. "You yourself said you didn't want to get their hopes up. Did you secretly want to see what would happen in an intact subject?"

"What the devil's gotten into you, lad?" he breathed, dismayed.

"What, indeed! It might have something to do with seeing you play mad scientist so soon after seeing McKay play mad scientist! He probably has you beat since he destroyed a few planets, but if you keep tinkering with Wraith DNA something almost as bad is bound to occur!"

"Well, forgive me for tryin' to do some good! Both for the people of this galaxy who are getting culled and for those miserable Wraith sods themselves! And I did NOT secretly want the girl to play guinea pig. How can you even say that?" If anything, Carson now looked even worse than before. He was trembling slightly and his eyes were haunted. But it was like a dam had burst in me and all of the pain of watching my father was boiling out. For the rest of his life, he was terrified of doctors and refused to seek any medical care. It killed him in the end, when a colon cancer that could have been detected spread throughout his entire body.

"You were practically salivating at the chance to study a live Wraith who wasn't going to try to suck the life out you. Did you even bother to ask her if she was willing?" I asked grimly.

"Aye, of course I did! Both she and her father agreed. The poor girl hated what she was becoming. My God, you're making me sound like some kind of monster!"

"No, you're not a monster," I sighed. "But... damn it, Carson, this could be considered biological warfare! Didn't you learn your lesson after Hoff?"

I knew as soon as I spoke that I had gone one step too far. Carson stopped shaking, and his face became eerily calm. I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but he's a very tactile person. He's always patting people on the back or slapping them on the shoulder. Well, this time I thought he was going to hit me.

"How dare you?" he almost whispered. "Don't think for one moment that I'm not going to have to live with Hoff for the rest of my life. That drug killed thousands. So, just maybe, I'd like to atone for my role in one of the biggest mass murders in history! This retrovirus, once we get it to work, has the potential to end the culling of millions! Maybe that will allow me to finally get some peace."

I tried to interrupt, but he plowed right on, his voice starting to rise. "And if we're really lucky, we might be able to use a derivative of this to help Lieutenant Ford. Let's not forget that he practically shot his way out of my infirmary!" I didn't miss Carson's use of the word 'my' instead of 'our.' "He should have been restrained and sedated, but I got careless and now he's running around this galaxy with an addled brain doing God knows what! So what the bloody hell gives you the right to judge?"

I remembered from when he appointed me 2IC that Carson had a self-critical streak the size of the Mississippi. Our shouting match was undoubtedly feeding it, but for the moment I didn't really care. "I'll tell you what gives me the right. One day Josef Mengele decided that he wanted to observe every detail of what happened when the human body starved. So they stopped giving food to my father. To this day, I have no idea what made them stop the experiment in the middle, but he survived. Never trusted doctors again, but wanted his only son to become one." I shook my head and continued in a lower voice. "I never did figure that one out."

"I didn't know that," Carson said quietly.

"No, you didn't," I agreed in a conversational tone. "But it doesn't really matter. I am hereby tendering my resignation, effective immediately."

I turned around and had started to leave when he called out, "I'm not accepting it. Both of us need to cool down a wee bit." But I just ignored him and continued to walk out of his office.

TBC

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A/N Some folks have asked me about this. Steve Schwartz was first introduced in the fic "Asclepius", where he had the unfortunate luck to be on duty when Carson came in practically dead. The rest, as they say, is history.

A/N: Yup, whumped them both but good! This will be a two-parter with the installment for "Conversion."

A/N: I wrote this because I really was disturbed by some of the medical ethics (or lack thereof) displayed in this episode. If you watch closely, Carson never gives Elizabeth an answer when she asks if he thinks Ellia will cooperate.