Chapter 16: To love is to let go
Cagalli gritted her teeth, her hand resting on the telephone receiver but not picking it up. She wanted to; she wanted very much to call him, to talk to him, to know that he's safe and sound. But fear gripped her heart with every number she advanced, and she put down the phone again…Dearka called to tell her what happened, he said 'I figured I'll tell you, firstly cause he's not quite awake, second because even if he is, he wouldn't say it just to make sure you don't worry…'. Cagalli did worry, but there was another issue on her mind.
How am I supposed to tell him…?
Guilt tugged at her now, and she wondered if there was a way to tell him what happened without hurting him…
Cagalli thought it will be alright once the Destiny Plan is out of the way, and the union with EAF null and void. But now Scandinivia proposed union, to join hands to propagate Orb's ideals. It was a chance not to be missed, it will meant tripling the strength of the Orb army, free trade between the two nations, and a better chance in shaking EAF off their backs. The catch, Cagalli will become queen, on the basis of marrying prince Shane, heir to the throne of Scandinivia. Which means… to forsake her relationship with Athrun…it was almost unbearable even to think about it, Prince Shane is handsome but is what all might call a featherbrain and a softie, a complete idiot by her standards.(Even Yuna seems like a knight in shining armour compared to him.) Athrun on the other hand…
Her ministers all jumped at the chance, asking her to agree to the engagement, saying Lord Uzumi died to see this day, where nations will join Orb and declare peace between Naturals and Coordinators. But to be able to stand in the gap, they must be strong. And Scandinivia will be the first and not the last, they must seizes this golden opportunity. Her concern is that if they can become influential enough to interfere in PLANTs election phase, she will be able to keep Athrun from harm, and even back him in his endeavor. In fact, that seemed like his only chance, she heard that the council secretly spread gossip and slanders about him and now it's all over the news. Kisaki was the only one who gave some advice that made sense, "Try telling him first…it's between the two of you…"
Desperation creeped at her, draining her strength with each passing moment. She was weary of fighting the negative emotions that threaten to engulf her thoughts, they promised each other to fight to the end, no matter how hard. But here she was, tripping over her very first hurdle. She leaned her head on the table and closed her eyes, thinking and hoping he could hear…
Athrun…are you alright? Tell me what to do…
Athrun was greeted by a white ceiling the moment he opened his eyes and he studied it, the blue wallpaper appeared brand new and a simple crystal chandelier marked the center of the room, which was oddly familiar. Realization hit him suddenly; it was his own room back when his father was Supreme Councilor. The décor was fundamentally unchanged and is what Dearka calls a 'boring place'. But his location was secondary, he wanted to make sure he wasn't dead, which wasn't likely the case, the last thing he remembered was falling; falling and falling down this dark misty abyss. Only two things accompanied him, their ring and the charm-as he was plunged to his death. As he tried to move, pain surged through his right arm and he looked down sharply to find his arm wrapped in a white cotton bandage and his fist clenched tightly.
Not dead then, he thought. With effort, he attempted to open his palm, and inch by inch the space widened, and he was surprised as the two items fell onto the soft blanket.
He had been holding them all the while…
The notion surprised even himself. He wasn't a superstitious person, but upon gazing at the surface of the reddish-violet stone, he suddenly could believe that it was his lucky charm after all. And the one who gave it to him was indeed his Goddess of Victory…
Picking the stone off the fabric, he held it warm in his bosom, suddenly missing her…
Mwu ran around, looking for Talia's son. He ran off while they were at a park on earth, near the EAF headquarters and just couldn't be found no matter how hard they looked. At the moment, he almost decided that adopting the boy was a mistake after all. Murrue and him split up to look but so far their efforts were in vain.
"Uncle!" called a young voice from about hundred meters away, it was the Spencer and he ran as fast as his short legs could carry him. He leaped into Mwu's arms and sobbed, "I thought I'll never find you guys…I'm so…I was so scared…"
Mwu softened, children melt your heart faster than microwave ovens. "Okay, Don't be afraid now. I'm here, why did you run off in the first place?"
"Well I…" Spencer muttered as he slowly wiped at his tears, "This guy dropped something, I saw and I picked it up and ran after him to return it…"
"Did you catch him?"
Spencer shoke his head.
"Is it important?"
"I think so…" Spencer said as he fished the crumpled envelope out of his pocket and handed it to Mwu. Mwu gasped as he saw the EAF symbol printed on it, and at the top right hand corner there was a small stamp in red ink, 'TOP SECRET'
He was even more shocked when he looked at the contends, lifting Spencer off the ground as a child would lift a kitten, he broke into a run…
Sedna tiptoed about like a panther, trying not to wake Yzak as she explored the study. He dozed on the couch, an open book lying on his chest, which was rising and falling with each breath. His computer was still on, displaying data, stats and numbers that she didn't even want to begin to understand.
She pranced about while waiting for him to wake up, and chanced upon a photo of Yzak and his mother (It must be his mother, she looks like a carbon copy of him…), and smiled heartily. The photo showed Yzak barely one year old, and he had whipped cream smeared all over his chubby face and was struggling as Ezaria did her best to clean him up. Another showed him at about five, all wrapped up in jackets and scarves and had a permanent blank look plastered to his face, standing in the middle of a snow field.
He looks cute…
She continued searching, and couldn't help but notice there was no father in any of the pictures. It must be hard for him to grow up without a father…
She cast a glance at his sleeping form, and took the liberty of sitting down beside him, gazing into his face. His eyes are closed and his breathing deep and regular.
His eyelashes are so long…He definitely looks cuter now…
She thought as she allowed a hand to comb through the lashes and trailed down his cheek, delighted at the smoothness of his skin. She paused at the faint scar that trailed from his left eye diagonally down, she would have missed it altogether if she wasn't looking close enough. Getting bolder, she brushed over his dry and soft lips, her heart pounding in her ears now.
She understood how she felt about him, but she couldn't allow her feelings to cloud her judgment, nor let it change her decision about certain issues…It grieved her in the oddest way…to be in such close proximity yet unable to tell him how she feel deep inside, and simply cannot walk any closer to him. To get so close but know she'd never get past that glass barrier. "Yzak…" she whispered, "I'll never lie to you…but I don't want you to get hurt…"
She leaned forward, and kissed him.
Shiho Hahnefuss was walking down the corridor towards Yzak's study, he moved into this mansion just yesterday and now he's working already. She clutched the bouquet of lilies in her hands tightly, blushing. It was a house warming gift she chose herself, and she hoped it will give her the courage to say what she meant to say for the past two years…
As she approached, she was surprised to see the door to his study opened and she looked in, just in time to see a woman kissing her commander. All her courage she could muster before deserted her and she dropped the bouquet, causing the woman to turn and look at her.
Shiho turned and ran off the way she came, hot tears streaming down her cheeks, blurring her vision as she ran…
Sedna remembered that the girl is one of the Voltaire crew, and her expression told Sedna…that she really hated what just happened. It was this precise untimely moment Yzak stirred and his eyes fluttered open, he rubbed them and mumble, "Sedna…? SEDNA!" He jumped up in response, "WHAT are you doing here?"
"Hey, my charge is next door. Why shouldn't I be here?"
Yzak rubbed his temples, trying to get back his bearings as he uttered, "Right." As he can back to full consciousness, the truth came crashing down on him like a tsunami, the fact that he didn't want to face.
Sedna is from faith…she might be instigated to kill Athrun. I must keep her at bay at all cost…ensure she doesn't find out that I know…
Yzak looked up and her, and told her, "Get out, I want to change."
"What…?"
"I said GET OUT!" he shouted this time, not able to control himself any longer.
"Yzak? What's wrong with you!" she yelled back as she stood up from the place she sat.
"NOTHING's WRONG! JUST…just get out of my sight!"
"Why are you…" she stammered, as if trying to find the right words. "…being so unreasonable all of a sudden!"
"I'M THAT UNREASONABLE!" Yzak bellowed, "NOW GET OUT!"
"Not before you tell me what's wrong…" she demanded, half pleading with him. Yzak interrupted her, "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG!" And he threw the silver badge towards her, it hit her shoulder and she caught it.
Yzak dared not look at her expression as she examined the object. He caught the look of recognition in her eye, then shock. "Yours…?" he accused, "You've been lying through your teeth. You were lying all the way, you getting close to me, becoming Athrun's bodyguard…You're an assassin, aren't you?"
As the words left his mouth, Yzak felt bitterness wash over him. He wished for nothing more at the moment than for Sedna to give her don't-be-ridiculous face and tell him, 'Are you out of your mind?' But he could only be disappointed, when it didn't come. Instead, she held his gaze calmly, silently, and he got angrier than ever.
"I thought I could trust you, it was STUPID!" He spat, unable to control the flood of emotions that came pouring out with every syllabus. "In the end, you…YOU WERE JUST ONE OF THOSE LYING, SCHEMING CHEAPSKATE GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SLU…"
Sedna didn't let him finish his sentence, she leaned forward and cupped her mouth over his… She didn't want to give him time to finish the statement, to deal the irreversible damage to her…and their relationship.
Yzak was shocked for the moment, but recovered quickly enough and pulled her away roughly. She looked at him reproachfully, as if annoyed at his actions. He looked directly into her eyes, "Don't do that again…" he told her quietly, she gazed at him quizzically and her face fell.
"That is not a kiss." He declared as he pressed his lips hard upon hers, she reciprocated his enthusiasm at once. Her hands reached out to hold his head and neck towards herself, trailing down his collar bone and chest. His hands stroked across her slender back, and drew her into a gentle but firm embrace. Once, the intimacy seemed so erred and awkward, but now, Yzak didn't want it to end.
As their lips were locked in contact, fueled by passion and an uncontrollable urge to want more of each other, he couldn't help but be submerged into the isolated world of their emotions; A world where they are free to feel and express their feelings. A world where they don't have to fight each other, a place of rest and comfort…
In that brief period of time, he found himself believing that her feelings are real, just as her presence felt real. He continually dreaded the imminent instant when the moment ends; where they will be mercilessly dragged back into the reality where they were enemies…
Hastily but reluctantly he pulled away, having catching his breath; even though he didn't think it was enough. He smiled inwardly at the look on her flushed face. Apparently she didn't think it was enough either.
She gazed up at him and studied him for a moment, then buried her head in the nook of his shoulders, and Yzak could feel her breath blowing onto his neck as she spoke. "Yzak…" she whispered, her voice choked and hurried, as if suggesting that the time they have is limited. "Hold me."
He complied immediately, his arms wrapping about her form, and he marveled at the fact he never noticed before. Her shoulders are so frail and thin, so much in need of protection… he blushed as he felt her hands reached gently to circle his belt.
"Yzak…I love you." She whispered, and this time he felt warm moisture on his neck, draining down his collar bone. She's crying…
He wrapped about her tighter, not knowing what else to do. As if hugging her would give her some sort of unseen comfort, and will stem the flow of her tears…
"But…" she sobbed, "I can't tell you anything more…without someone getting hurt…I'm so sorry…"
"Never be sorry…When you're in the military. You'll only get yourself killed." He replied.
There was a hidden meaning in the seemingly harsh statement that Sedna was glad she was able to pick out, he didn't want her killed. And in his arms, she felt such a sense of heartfelt warmth and security that had eluded her since Mark died.
Ever since that faithful day, she couldn't make herself believe in another relationship. To start life anew. To cast away the shadows of his death that haunted her daily, until now…in Yzak's embrace. It was a bittersweet moment, for she also knew it wasn't meant to last, but it made the moment worth living. In that quiet moment, time seemed to slow to a crawl, and she found herself enjoying the stillness. Just living and breathing in his presence, shrouded and covered by his wings of protection. She found herself liberated from the darkness of the past, and lifted up. There was no past, there was only present, a moment with him right beside her…
"I really don't know how you feel about me…" she reached to touch his neck, "But I…I don't want to hurt you." She declared, as she pulled away suddenly and turned to leave. Yzak gripped her hand, willing for her not to go.
She turned slowly to gaze at him with her tear-stained face, with an odd mixture of fear and happiness. "If you feel the same…Let go, let me go. Forget you ever met me…forget you ever saved me. Forget that Sedna Ileisus ever existed. She never crossed your path, she's just a loose woman who go round kissing every guy in sight…"
Yzak wanted to laugh, the way she described herself is just so funny, but circumstances didn't allow it. However, his grip began to loosen, and eventually her hand slipped out of his…
She smiled sadly, and nodded in gratitude. "Farewell…" she uttered as she quickly left the room, leaving Yzak to stand, once again, alone in the vast space.
Yzak stared at the empty doorway where Sedna passed through moments ago, unable to react, unable to think. For his mind and soul refused to leave the moment where she was there, because it suddenly felt as if she would never be there again…The thought scared him more then he would admit and he refuse to acknowledge it.
There must be something I can do about it…
He thought, and sat down and forced himself to think.
Think! You are supposed to be a Supreme Councilor of PLANTs, think like one!
He scolded himself inwardly, and after ten minutes, he finally figured out what was to be done first. He asked a passing by servant to come nearer and whispered something into his ear.
"WHAT? Sir, you want me to put on your uniform and kidnap Mrs JULE!"
"SHUT UP, You idiot…" he berated the servant, "Just do as I say, I'll go out first. I need a place to have a nice, long chat with my mother…"
---
In one day, two people came out of Yzak's study crying. One was crying tears of joy, the one was Sedna. For him letting go told of his feelings about her, and now she was able to make a resolution in her heart, of her mission about to come… Yzak will never say, 'like'. He'll do it though.
And between Lacus and Kira in the last chapter, 'falling backwards' is not literal, but has a meaning in literature. Those who studied Romeo and Juliet, or some of shakspeare's plays will be aware. People who really don't know and really wanna know can check with me…