Chapter 12
'Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?'
-George W. Bush
I remember what it felt to have the fist smash into my face when I was 13 and it felt as if the world had suddenly gone backward. I remember the feeling of shock of it hit me harder than when the realization that my father killed children came upon me.
In truth the reality of my father and the Death Eaters was always there. But I never really paid attention to it. I mean, it's how things were done right?
Or maybe it was wrong.
So horribly wrong.
Maybe that's why I never tried to get my own back with the Mudblood when she smacked me. Because I knew somehow that I deserved it but at the same time I knew that I didn't…
Maybe I've never really known anything but yet somehow at the same time I think that I know everything.
It makes no sense but I've come to understand that rarely does anything.
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I remember the stung hurt that I felt when Potter and the Blood Traitor snarled at me from that cabin. We were only 11 and I already hated them.
Why though?
I just never at all liked them. I didn't like the way that they were soft and had been laughing and were the happier versions of the scared First Years. I never liked that I was jealous and envious because I had money. 'I' got everything I asked for. Unlike the Blood Traitor whose parents could barely afford to buy him shoes.
'My' parents were alive… so why was I jealous of The Goddamned Boy Who Just Wouldn't Die?
I don't understand.
I had money I had looks, charm, personality (no matter what anyone else fuckin' says), brains, friends…
Why the hell couldn't I just let it go?
Why did I have to provoke them and hate them all at the same time wanting to 'be' them?
I don't know.
I never did.
I don't ever think I will.
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I find myself odd.
I mean the thing that I most judge about a person when I meet them is their smile. However I rarely get to see peoples smile.
Directed at me.
I know why. I mean not even I could ever by pass the fact that I'm definitely not the most likable person…
I am content on being that way. Just so I don't have to go around being nice to people I would rather say 'Fuck off' to.
Besides I'm a Slytherin, Malfoy and currently a Death Eater.
And I embrace all these attributes. Even if it means I live on the street and am currently trying to keep my guts inside my body.
I have a choice. In fact I have a whole lot of them.
Just none of them have me coming out of this adolescent life unscathed.
It's gonna get better I know.
I know it because I can feel it. My body will not allow itself to be ruled and dictated over by some petty illness that I should have never come in contact with in the first place.
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I think I read somewhere that there are people whose souls are old.
Meaning that though they are young they have the soul of the wise.
I must have the soul of a newborn. Just cause I want to scream and have someone fuckin' care…
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I remember when I was 12 and I bought myself the 'Seeker of Slytherin' I didn't care that other people could tell I bought myself something they'd have to work for. Mainly because it made me feel great to know that money really did make the word go round and that these lame Fuckfaces would never truly know how 'great' it was to know that you could really rule the world.
Because I could've.
I could've been either the Dumbledore or the Dark Lord…
I'd being lying if I said that I wouldn't have become the Dark Lord.
Although…
Not as Dark.
Maybe just a Shade…
The Shady Lord of the Whole Fuckin' Universe!
Make it Galaxy.
No!
Dimension…
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I can feel my whole head on fire and my throat dry.
I can feel my whole body quivering at the coldness that fills the air.
I can feel my whole mediocre life play out in little snapshots beneath the surface of my mind.
I know that I won't watch.
Instead I'll watch the spider's crawl on the ceilings, wondering which one will fall… fall into my mouth.