Turning Points - 5

Disclaimer: Nothing 'Supernatural' belongs to me. I've just borrowed and not for profit.

Summary: A series of snapshots about turning points in the lives of the Winchesters

Author's Note: This is the fifth in what has become a series of snapshots of the Winchesters – A look at some of Sam's life changing decisions. Hmmm! So, in honesty, I'm not so happy with this chapter, this feeling I've missed the mark…

Please review. Let me know does this chapter actually work or is my feeling of discontent with it right!

Turning Points – Sam

Sam knew that his life would have changed drastically the night his mother died, the night his family was torn apart, but he also knew that in reality, he was too young to recognise that change or even to know what he had lost. For Sam, life's constant was Dean and Dad, they came as a pair, pillars either side to support Sam as he grew. There was no one place, no one school, no one set of friends. Life was just Sam, Dean and Dad.

Sam had always known his family was different to others and that there was more to the difference than just not having a mom. Other kids only had one parent so something else made his family different. It had been a surprise to find that other children stayed at the same school year after year. Half the time, he and Dean were lucky to make a whole semester in the same school. He wasn't sure even that accounted for the difference.

So the first change in his life was not so much a change, more an awakening, a realisation. The change was internal and gradually building.

The change started when Dad didn't come home when he said he would. What should have been a frightening scenario wasn't. Everything was fine because Dean made sure it was. Sam realised then that Dean had been doing just that for as long as he could remember and that the constant in his life was Dean, the parent in his life was Dean. Dad was now a shadow, hovering, making sure Dean did the right thing but actually abdicating responsibility for Sam to his brother.

The wedge was placed, it just needed to be driven home. Sam pondered the possibility that Dad blamed him for Mom dying above him, but actually on watching him further he realised that wasn't it. Dad only spent time with Dean to tell him what to do, how to do something new or to tell him what he'd done wrong. He didn't spend time talking or playing with Dean, he wasn't treating him any better. The longer Dad stayed away, the more time Sam spent thinking about the situation Dad left him and Dean in. The longer he had to think about it, the more he was angry that Dad expected Dean to look after him; he wasn't being fair to either of them. The hammer tapped the wedge and the cracks began to appear.

Dad had been away and Sam had been in school when his class had had a talk from the teacher about keeping safe. The teacher had told them never to talk to strangers, always to let their parents know where they were and to make sure they were home on time. That afternoon, when Dean picked him up to go home after school, Sam had told him about the talk. He'd been surprised by Dean's response, 'Your teacher's right, Sammy. You shouldn't talk to anyone or go anywhere without telling me first.'

Sam remembered the way he had looked at Dean and the question that came, 'But Dean, who makes sure you're okay and home on time?'

'Dad does, Sammy, you know that.'

'But, Dean, Dad's away again. So what happens now?' Sam knew he'd watched Dean as he'd tried to work out how to answer that one.

'Sammy, you got me, and you're not on your own.'

With frustration growing, Sam knew Dean was avoiding answering what he really wanted to know, 'Dean, don't you think Dad should be home and looking after us? I bet the other kids in your class don't have to look after their younger brothers like you look after me.'

'Yeah, well maybe I like it this way. Now what do you want to eat tonight?' Sam knew then the conversation was finished, he wasn't going to get an answer from Dean. Dean wasn't going to criticise Dad, he wasn't going to make out he didn't want to look out for Sam. A small part of him was grateful that Dean had said what he had. Sam knew that Dean meant it when he said he liked looking after him and it brought him a measure of relief that his young mind couldn't quite get to grips with.

Sam had known then, most kids were at the front of their parents' priorities. He was at the front of Dean's but he wasn't sure where he or his brother were in his Dad's priorities. It wasn't that they didn't feature, more that he wasn't sure they were at the top. In fact he couldn't be sure they were even near the top. Somehow, he just couldn't forgive his father for that. Tap went the hammer on the wedge.

When Sam realised how much of his life was a secret that couldn't be talked about at school, he began to wonder why. It wasn't until Children's Services came to talk to him and he didn't know what to say that he was actually frightened by the secrets. It was then that he found out that people didn't let their children stay home alone and certainly wouldn't let a child of Dean's age look after a younger brother. He didn't say anything to the social workers but when they got home and were alone in their room, he asked Dean about it. Dean had told him not to worry, he liked looking out for him but that hadn't been the answer he wanted but Dean wouldn't be drawn on whether it was right or not and just kept changing the subject until Sam gave up. When he'd spoken to Dad about it, he'd been cross and said there were two choices, staying with Dean and staying in school or going with Dad and not going to school. The hammer knocked the wedge further in and the cracks spread wider.

Sam loved school, there was a whole world of knowledge out there and he just couldn't wait to find out more about everything. Libraries were also high on his list of good places to be. He knew Dad thought he was wasting his time with most of his studies but liked him to research their cases in the local libraries, encouraged him to do it well. He thought it was ironic that he had finally found something to do that his Dad approved of and something that he was better at than Dean. Sam remembered when Dean had been better at it than he seemed to be now, he remembered that Dean used to like school but then all of a sudden, he had lost interest and had left school within a week of expressing the disinterest. He remembered that their life seemed to be more peaceful afterwards for a while, that Dad had seemed to be giving Dean more praise, that Dad had been getting at Dean for weeks before the change. Dean's lack of interest in the library hadn't started until he'd left school. Sam wondered what had happened.

Dean always made sure that Sam kept up to date with his assignments for school, that he had time to spend on them and inadvertently seemed to point him in the right direction for finding the information he needed without seeming to know much about it himself. It wasn't until Sam was at Stanford that he realized how strange that was, that Dean, who, on the surface, despised all things academic, pushed Sam and made sure he did so well.

Stanford, well that had really finished everything off. The wedge that had been positioned in his relationship with his father so many years before was finally driven so far home that the cracks spread far and fast and disintegrated what remained into such small pieces, dust, there was little or no sign of the relationship left. That had been a real turning point in his life, he had walked out on his family and started a new life alone and he didn't regret it. It had been the right thing to do. He became a completely new entity.

Well almost. The one regret he had was Dean. He had left him behind too. The new entity that he had become didn't seem to fit Dean into its edges and when he delved deeply into his heart, it didn't make him comfortable, so he stopped delving. He wasn't entirely happy with that either so he made himself stop thinking about the fact that he didn't want to touch even the edges of dealing with what he'd left unresolved with Dean.

It was difficult to ignore, hell, Dean had always been difficult to ignore but even in his absence, his spectre haunted Sam. Once a month, a postcard would arrive from him. It would say more or less the same thing each time, 'Hi Sam, Hope things are good with you. I'm keeping busy out here in . See ya, Dean.' Sam figured that what Dean was really saying was 'Hey Sam. Still thinking of you and want you to know I'm still alive, not dead at the hands of something evil yet. If you need anything, this is where I am, still here for you, little brother. Dean.' He didn't respond but it kept him strong. His brother had said he wanted him to do well, and dammit if he wasn't going to make sure he did just that.

Then he turned up. Boy, if that wasn't a turning point in his life, Sam didn't know what was. He knew if Dean had ever had even a momentary suspicion that Jess was going to die because he had taken Sam away, he wouldn't have been near Stanford in a million years, probably wouldn't have even entered the state. He knew it wasn't Dean's fault, if Jess was going to die, she'd have died sooner or later. He'd spent an age mourning for Jess, still did but the pain was more distant now and as he looked at it, he was glad that Dean was there when it happened because alone, he wouldn't have coped at all. He hadn't coped at all, Dean had coped and Sam had existed. Until he was ready to start living again, Dean had taken up the slack.

Sam remembered watching Dean dying, lying in a hospital bed, hope gone, death accepted and knew that had been a turning point of a different kind. Dean had turned down a path in which he had accepted his own mortality; Sam had refused to accept it, refused to turn down that path, wasn't going to let Dean die, no matter what. Their relationship had turned at that point, Dean always used to making the decisions, looking out for his brother, being the protector, had been forced to accept a role reversal and when he'd recovered, a new balance had to be found as now neither could be fully protector or protected – Sam was truly Sam and no longer just a shortened version of Sammy, he had been accepted as an adult, an equal, a partner.

Sam wondered where life would lead them next, now he had turned, begrudging acceptance of the path of the hunter, Dean at his side.