Sunday, May 13, 1990

"Dada, I want soup."

"Oh no, sweetheart, you can't have soup when you're wearing your special princess dress." A child-size graduation cap that matched her mother's from earlier strapped to her head, Josie looked down at the dress she was wearing before taking her one free hand and moving it over her skirt.

"Imma princess…" She whispered before giggling as they started walking over to the steakhouse Serena was taking them all to celebrate Olivia's graduation from Siena. If they'd gotten the timing right, and Olivia really hoped they had, they'd have two-and-a-half hours to eat. After that Josie would hit her witching hour and no amount of promises of future rewards would keep her daughter from losing it in front of the entire restaurant.

And that would be, in no uncertain terms, an utter disaster. Because while Marjorie and Tom, Brent's parents, had no problem dealing with a sleep-deprived and fussy two-year-old, Serena Benson most certainly could not. Today had already been an exercise in patience for her mother. When she showed up at their apartment door early that morning, a wrapped gift in one hand and a forced smile on her face, Olivia knew this was going to be the day the world found out how long Serena could fake the role of proud mother and loving grandmother while not falling into the bottle.

Things had gone well enough so far. Brent and his dad had made them all breakfast in honor of Mother's Day. Josie had attempted to assist them before she lost interest and went over to her "desk" to add touches to the cards she'd made for her grandmothers and mom. Of course, they'd stopped looking like cards a while ago and instead looked like paper caught in an explosion at the Crayola factory.

"Baby, maybe we can give Grandma Serena and Meemaw the cards now, ok?" Serena let out a laugh as Olivia walked over to Josie and picked her up, the little girl trying to convince her mother to let her keep drawing.

"Meemaw?" Serena looked at Marjorie like the nickname was the most bizarre thing she'd ever heard, as well as the silliest. Glancing over her shoulder at her boyfriend's mother, Olivia could see the slow smile come across her face that was almost always followed by a bless your heart or something else barbing that was hidden behind Marge's southern twang and polite disposition.

"You know us, southern grannies, we try to make it easy for our babies to call us, and with how much time Josie and I spend together, something long and formal wouldn't do. Ain't that right Sugar?" Marge held out an arm that Josephine grabbed for as soon as Olivia brought her close enough. Since she'd been born, the little girl had spent the time when her mom was in class and her dad was at work with her grandmother. To say that Olivia would never have been able to make it to this day, her graduation, without the Wards was an understatement. While the relationship had been rocky at first (which she couldn't blame them for, it wasn't exactly like they were meeting her as the love of their son's life, just the teen he knocked up), they'd warmed up to her little by little. Her determination that this wouldn't stop either her or Brent from graduating when they were supposed to, the fact she didn't seem to be putting any pressure on their son, her genuine attempts to get to know them… all these things made the relationship dethaw before Josie's birth.

The same could not be said for Brent and Serena.

It was inevitable that it wouldn't.

There were questions that Olivia never had the answers to, but ones she would wonder about for the rest of her life; was it the pregnancy itself that made Serena so mad, or was it the fact that Olivia didn't end up ruined by it and needing her more? Was Brent the problem, or the fact he came with a stable family that didn't bail and instead stuck around the issue?

As she watched her mother bristle at Marjorie's words, Serena's hand tightening around the coffee mug she was sipping from, Olivia felt certain the problem was that having Josie hadn't sent her running home to the city. The possessiveness and entitlement that Serena felt as Olivia's sole family and provider would never extend over to Josephine and with each passing day, she had it less and less over Olivia. Her unique brand of love would have to change because unlike with Burton, Brent and his family wouldn't be pushed away with threats and lies.

There was also something else that was different, something both Benson women knew without it ever having to be said.

If made to pick, Olivia would always choose Josephine over Serena.

Where Serena saw love as a possession, Olivia saw it as protection. Her daughter would thrive and her childhood wouldn't be defined by the trauma and alcohol that Liv's life was built on. Should Serena fail in keeping it together, should she lapse into the antics and rage she found so easy to slip into… she'd be frozen out.

It was that simple.

It must have been a thought like that that made the hand around the cup unclench and the fight come out of her eyes. Focusing instead on Josie, her tight smile loosened as she seemed to think for a moment.

"We always used to call my grandmother nanny growing up." Olivia's eyes widened at the casual admission from Serena, the first time she could remember hearing about her mother's family and childhood in years. She looked up into the kitchen and saw a similar look on Brent's face. He didn't know everything about Olivia's relationship with her mother, but he knew enough to know family history wasn't exactly freely shared. "What do you think about calling me Nanny, Josie?"

The toddler smiled and giggled as she looked first at Olivia before turning back to Serena. "Ok Nanny!" For the first time that morning, the older woman finally seemed to relax, like some sort of tension left her body at the little girl's words. It hadn't occurred to Olivia to consider how out of place Serena might feel in an apartment she'd only been in on a handful of occasions with people who spent all this time together while she was a relative stranger.

From the kitchen, Tom chuckled as he flipped over a pancake.

"Nanny and Meemaw, huh? Sounds like something they'd air after Designing Women."

"Would you shut up and get to cookin'? I swear we ladies could've made twelve breakfasts by now while the two of you can't even do one." Marjorie was followed up by a giggly 'you tell 'em' from Josie and whatever soft spell that had fallen over Serena faded to the typical guarded behavior she carried when she was sober and out in public.

Well, mostly sober. Olivia long ago realized that most of the time her mother had some amount of alcohol in her system, but how much depended on what she had to do that day and who would see her. Based on the way Serena wouldn't let her white Chanel leave her side, Olivia figured she had a pint of something stashed in there.

She hoped it was enough to get her mother through the day without a scene.

All she was asking for was one day where Serena's issues didn't bleed out into the open, where the problems in her life weren't so big that everyone could see them. To graduate like this, on time and with honors, while having had a child was something she'd dreamed about but wasn't sure would happen. Olivia deserved to revel in this moment, to take in the congratulations and praise even though it made her so uncomfortable and she'd find herself blushing slightly and ducking her head more times than not.

The actual graduation ceremony went well, although at one point during the three hours Olivia was sure she heard Josie beg for swings (her latest obsession). When her name was called and she walked across the stage, she could hear loud cheers from the student section and stands. Her sorority sisters were cheering like crazy for everyone in their pledge class and, looking out into the audience, she could make out Brent with Josie on his shoulders, the toddler clapping her hands wildly and screaming out mama like seeing Olivia cross that stage was the best thing she'd ever seen.

Josie might not understand what this moment meant then, but one day Olivia hoped that seeing her success would inspire her little girl to do whatever it was she wanted… would help her daughter see that you could achieve anything if you set your mind to it… that one event didn't have to define your life forever.

Serena was standing up and clapping next to Brent, so were Tom and Marjorie, but Olivia could only notice the slight sway in her mother's movements that hadn't been there when she'd left the group in the parking lot two hours before.

In the past week, she'd spent most of her time worrying about how Josie, a fan of screaming like a banshee when she was bored or tired, would manage throughout this three-hour ceremony. Brent and Marjorie had sworn up and down they had it covered between toys, snacks, and taking two cars to the ceremony in case they needed to make a quick escape. Maybe it had been wishful thinking or maybe it was just that her priorities had shifted, but Olivia hadn't thought to make a plan for if Serena was the one who started to lose it.

Luckily, by the time Olivia was able to meet back up with everyone, the sway seemed to be gone and only the loose smile of three drinks remained. The sight allowed her to relax and enjoy the time as classmates and faculty came up to say goodbye and she felt a chapter of her life ending.

That relaxation remained until the steakhouse parking lot and the realization that the white Chanel had been left behind in the car. She must have finished the whole bottle and now they were heading into a restaurant where she could drink as much as she wanted to spend.

Inside the restaurant dread settled in Olivia's stomach like lead. The place was packed with families partaking in post-graduation celebrations and there were several faces she recognized. A few classmates popped over as they all waited for their tables, some saying hi to Brent as well, others just there to get a laugh from Josie. Liv tried to play social well, but she kept losing focus as she watched Serena head over to the bar, starting the drinks before they even got to their seats.

"Mom and Dad said they would keep an eye on her." Brent's whisper next to her ear startled her and she turned her head towards him, an accusation in her eyes that he'd broken her confidence and shared with his family something he didn't have the right to.

As if his family wasn't, in some small part, hers.

As if they didn't deserve to know something that could hurt their granddaughter in the future.

Olivia was never very good at letting her walls down.

"They figured it out after the third time she went to the bathroom in 40 minutes… and she forgot the breath mint." He answered her unspoken question, knowing her well enough to know she was making up an issue in her head to be upset about. If her defensiveness ever bothered him, he didn't seem to show it. Maybe it was because he knew how much of the burden of their unplanned pregnancy fell onto her or maybe it was just that he cared enough about her to realize that sometimes the good and the bad existed in the same moment.

Whatever the reason was for Brent's devotion, she knew better than to argue against it, even if so much of her tried to tell her she wasn't worth it.

After all, if she was, why wouldn't she have been enough to keep her mother from numbing her pain with alcohol? Why would her mother still be in pain to this day?

Serena's loud laugh broke the spell and made Olivia cringe. The only thing that kept her from dragging her mother back to the car was the sight of Tom right next to her at the bar, clearly pleased with himself at whatever he said that got that reaction.

"Mama, I want food." Olivia looked down into a pair of brown eyes that reminded her of her own. Josie was staring up at her, her chin pressed against Liv's leg and her lip jutted out. "I want taco."

"Well I don't think they have tacos here, but they have french fries and chicken and macaroni & cheese… all your favorites." The news of no tacos was apparently not what Josie wanted to hear. Olivia saw her eyes start to fill with tears and mentally she prepared herself for a full-on breakdown caused less by lack of tacos and more by the routine of the little girl's day being so thrown off.

So much for having two and half hours.

She'd known this had been a bad idea, but Serena was so insistent that she pay for everyone to go out and Olivia couldn't bring herself to cancel one of the few times her mother seemed to really want to do something for her. So what if the whole thing had more to do with the chance of a bar than a legitimate want to celebrate her only child's achievement? The sentiment was still there underneath the vodka.

Between the two of them, Olivia and Brent managed to cajole Josie into a better mood with the promise of ice cream for dessert and a Care Bears video when they got home. Serena and Tom continued to pal around at the bar with Marjorie sitting next to them like a watchful chaperone. By the time they made it to their table, Tom was deep into a story from his time working at the University of Georgia and Serena was laughing gamely along with him, martini glass in her hand and her eyes starting to droop slightly. Soon, unless she got some food into her, Olivia knew her mother's words would start to slur, and the airs she tried to carry as a Hudson University professor would completely fall away.

"Honestly, Olivia, I didn't think we'd be here like this a few years ago. I really, really didn't." Serena's proclamation over her steak salad didn't come as a surprise to Olivia, but based on the looks from Tom and Marjorie, such a blatant lack of faith from her mother wasn't what they thought they would hear. "I mean, Olivia, pregnant before the end of your first year? That's just sloppy." Her words were starting to slur a little and a lump was forming in the pit of Olivia's stomach. "But look at you now! Graduated on time with a cute little family and friends to support you."

Bitterness. That's the only thing Olivia could hear.

"I cute!" Josie had a french fry shoved in her mouth, but that didn't stop her from chiming in with her own affirmation. She looked around the table before settling on Serena. "I cute, Nanny?" The older woman didn't speak, her eyes were slightly glazed over and she seemed to be lost in thought (or her drink). The Wards all shared a look while Olivia focused instead on Josie, worried that Serena ignoring her would upset the little girl. "Nanny broke?"

"I need to go to the bathroom." The older woman was out of the chair before anyone could stop her, stumbling slightly over the steakhouse rug as she headed towards the restroom. Olivia tried to follow, but Marjorie put up a hand.

"Enjoy your celebration, I got her."

"Nanny and Meemaw ride again." Marjorie smacked the back of Tom's head jokingly as she passed him by, the ease she was handling the situation giving Olivia a weird feeling of reassurance. Beside her, Brent moved a hand around her shoulders and rested it against the bare skin of her upper arm, the touch doing even more to soothe her nerves.

"Don't worry Olivia, Marge used to handle all the drunk and disorderly calls when she worked the ER. They called her the Whiskey Whisperer." Tom said it so casually as he tucked back into his steak that for a second Olivia forgot to feel embarrassed or ashamed. Brent laughed next to her, the remainder of his mom's nursing days bringing back fond and funny memories he shared with the table. Between the story and Josie trying to make a tower of her fries instead of actually eating them, Olivia lost track of how long the two women were gone.

When Marjorie finally returned ten minutes later it was without Serena and her attitude was noticeably less chipper.

"Liv, your mother had to leave a little earlier than she thought, but she told me to tell you how proud she was of you and to enjoy the meal."

Not a single adult at the table bought that.

Those were Marge's words and Marge's sentiments.

Serena had probably only talked about wanting another drink before being shut down and kicked out.

Once again, alcohol had been the star of the show and not Olivia.

Later, it would hit Olivia that Serena had lasted eight hours before her habit won out.

Honestly, she'd been expecting only six.