Hey all )

Thank you again for your nice reviews. another update...i'll have two chapters written (ok i wrote them time ago...posted this story already on a forum...but i'll post them one after another..and the time between them...depends on how many reviews i get gg )

I used lyrics once again. They are in italic and start with # so you notice them as lyrics. Which song I used I tell you when they are used – because it would tell too much ;)

Chapter 13 – or "What We Once Had"

Previously on Hear me…
Ryan tells Liz what happened while she was in hospital.
Summer goes after Marissa and finds her in Tahiti. They have a talk about the past.
Marissa revealed her secret to Summer.

"Marissa... you have to tell Ryan" Summer said quietly.

"Summer... what would it change? Nothing... he moved on." Marissa replied sadly.

Summer couldn't reply something to that. They both sat there in silence for the next few minutes, it hurt her to see her best friend like this. Why such things always have to happen to Marissa? Destiny didn't mean it good with Marissa Cooper. Summer didn't really know what she should say or do to console her friend. An "everything will be ok" line wouldn't help this time and was definitively inappropriate.

"Summer? Please don't tell Ryan" Marissa said with a pleading expression on her face.

"But Marissa… I think…" Summer tried to say something but she was cut off by Marissa.

"Summer, please. It would make everything just worse." Marissa answered in a desperate tone.

"Ok I won't tell him…. but I think he should know." Summer said, she knew that she couldn't put Marissa under pressure. Marissa would find the right time to tell Ryan.

---Las Vegas---
Ryan still sat on the chair, on which he collapsed onto just a few minutes ago. He couldn't really describe how he felt. One moment ago his body was full of rage, but now… now he only felt emptiness and in some weird way it felt good. It felt good to feel nothing. This whole trip to Las Vegas messed up his feelings.

Liz sat there still shocked by his sudden outburst. She wanted that he didn't shut her out, but was Ryan yelling at her the better alternative?

"I'm sorry Ryan. I didn't want to put you under pressure. I know sometimes it would be better if I just let things be, but I really felt shut out and…and that hurt me. Don't you trust me enough? You know that you can talk to me about everything and that I'm there for you always." she said with a soft voice.

Ryan could feel her look on his skin. He knew that this was now his turn to say something. But what should he say to her? He didn't really know at the moment.
"Liz it's just… I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to talk about what happened with me and Marissa in the past and I don't want to talk about what happened that night." he said quietly after a long pause.

'He doesn't trust me enough..' Liz thought to herself, but instead of saying what she was thinking she just said: "It's Ok, Ryan. You don't have to if you don't want to, but maybe you will tell me when you're ready."

"Yeah…" Ryan mumbled as he walked out of the room. He went downstairs to the lobby. He sat down in a cosy armchair in a corner, hoping that no one would take notice of him. He had to be alone now - to sort out things with himself. What was going on with him?
It was like since he's here in Las Vegas he can't control his feelings and emotions. First he yelled at Marissa now at Liz.

"Hey, is it ok if I hang out with you a bit?" Seth asked in his typical "oh-I-see-you're-brooding-again-but-nevertheless-I-will-talk-to-you" voice.

"No" Ryan said monosyllabic.

"Ok" Seth said and made himself comfortable in the armchair right next to Ryan's.

Minutes passed by and no one of them both talked. Seth looked around him. Yeah not talking isn't really Seth's easiest exercise.

"Uhm… we can sit here in silence for hours or we could talk about what you are brooding about? How sounds that to you?"

Ryan just gave him the famous "look"

Seth ignored Ryan's look and went on: "Ok, ok. I see it's about Liz or Marissa. Or because of both of them?"

"It's about both of them. I just talked to Liz about what happened after she got into the hospital… or better I yelled at her. So I guess she wouldn't want me now with her. And when we are talking about people that don't want to see or hear from me… I think Summer's right. I am the least person Marissa wants to see now… or…for a long time. I mean I was really mean… I didn't want to say those things to her. It wasn't my intention to hurt her." Ryan said and continued looking out of the window. Tears burning in his eyes… but he had to fight them. Atwood's don't cry.
"Honestly…. I thought it would be easier to see her again… I thought that I …" Ryan couldn't finish his sentence. He was never good at talking about his feelings.

"…that you moved on?" Seth asked and Ryan just nodded.

"Ryan I think you should face your feelings. I mean when Summer cheated on me… Ok it was just a kiss, but you know it was a kiss with ZACH… so it kinda more than just a kiss…" Seth said in his typical cohenish way.

Ryan gave him his look.

"Ok… I'm drifting away from the topic. Soooo what I wanted to say is that… that I had to face my feelings, when I saw Summer again. I pushed the thoughts and the emotions away for a long time, but I reached a point where I couldn't do that any longer. And I see you're at that point at the moment. I hate to admit it but Dad is right with this whole listen-to-what-your-heart-is-telling-you-thing. So Ryan, I think you should try to figure out what your heart is telling you. I think it knows what's best for you." Seth said with a soft but determined voice.

Ryan looked surprised at Seth. Sometimes Seth could be serious, a real friend to talk to. He sat there thinking about Seth's advice… technically it was a great idea, but in practice it was very difficult "to listen to his heart"… after all there was no instruction how to identify your own feelings.

"Seth…." Ryan said and Seth looked up to face him "you know what... I know now what I have to do…." Ryan looked at Seth and tapped him on the shoulder. "Thank you" he finally said and stood up.
Seth looked at him first surprised but then happily "Really?"

He stood up as well and followed Ryan quickly. "Sooo what are you going to do?" he said curious.

"I'm going to Tahiti. Tonight" Ryan finally told him in his hurry.

---Tahiti, late afternoon (the next day)---
Marissa and Summer were sitting in the living room at Jimmy's house.

"Your dad's house is really beautiful." Summer said.

"Yeah and I feel much more at home here than in my mom's" Marissa answered sincerely.

"Concerning your mom, she's really busy with the twins. But they are really cute." Summer said smiling. It was really a wonder that the devilish pair, how Sandy called them, got such sweet children. But let's wait how they will be when they grow up.

"Yeah I know, Caitlin told me that they keep mom busy. She should have better practiced what she preached. She always told me to be careful and then she herself gets pregnant. But hey, the good thing for her is that she now gets way much more money if Caleb and her get divorced." Marissa said with a mocking tone in her voice.

"Sounds like you and your mom didn't have talked much since that night, huh?" Summer asked.

"No… not really. I don't know why I should talk to this woman…" Marissa said with an angry undertone, emphasizing the phrase "this women". Summer understood this hint and dropped the topic.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" Marissa changed the subject.

"A walk on the beach – sounds great, but I have to call uhm… Jake… before." Summer lied.

"Sure, you can use the phone in the kitchen." Marissa suggested.

---Short before in Las Vegas---
Ryan and Seth stood at the airport. Once again. Ryan bought a ticket to Tahiti. He just had his wallet and a passport with him. Nothing more. There were several reasons why he hadn't baggage with him. First of all it would have made Liz suspicious. Then there was no need for baggage and no time to pack things.They both were waiting for the announcement that Ryan's plane was boarding.

"Soo you really think that's a good idea, Ryan? I mean Summer didn't call, so we don't even know if Marissa is in Tahiti." Seth said.

"Uhm… if she isn't there then Summer and I will come back immediately. But Seth I have to try – I have to talk to Marissa" Ryan faced Seth and Seth saw in Ryan's look that this was really important to him.

"Ok, I understand but the better question is: Will Liz understand that?"

"I haven't thought of that before…" Ryan looked out of the window, trying to find a solution. He knew that he had to go to Tahiti and there was no time to explain to Liz. Ok, the truth was that Ryan didn't want to explain everything to Liz. She wouldn't take this very well and there was no way that she would understand that, or?
He had to apologize to Marissa and make sure that she's okay. And for that he had to risk a fight between him and Liz.

"Seth, you have to think of something for me, please. Keep her busy or something like that. I try to be back as soon as possible, ok?" Ryan said after minutes of thinking.

"Keeping her busy? With what – Gambling all day long?" Seth asked unbelieving.
How should he keep a girlfriend away from her boyfriend for no good reason? She would find out very quickly, but he had to try. He had to try for Ryan; he knew that he couldn't let him down now. Who knows – without Ryan he and Summer maybe wouldn't be together now. Summer told Seth about the conversation Ryan and she had - that Ryan told her to go after him and talk to him.

Ryan saw that Seth hesitated. He had to convince him.
"Oh come on, Seth. Think of something. Usually you're very creative in thinking of lies." Ryan looked at Seth with puppy dog eyes.

"Don't even try buddy - those eyes maybe work with women but not with me… But, okay I will try my best." Seth finally said and gave him an encouraging smile.

"Thank you" Ryan said "I better get going… look my flight is boarding" he pointed at the departure display. Seth just nodded, hugged him and watched as he walked away.

"Ok…let's start thinking of one of my magnificent Seth-Cohen-Plans."

---Tahiti---
Ryan was outside the airport. He was stunned – this place looked like paradise. Those pictures in the catalogues are beautiful but the truth is that they can't really show the beauty of Tahiti. The blue sky, the palm trees, the hot weather and the blue ocean. Everything you need for perfect holidays was here… too bad that this weren't holidays… this trip was far away from being holidays.
He was looking for a cab while he took out his cellphone. He had to call Summer.
Just in that minute he got a call. He looked at the display but it said: unknown ID

"Hello?" he asked.

"Hey Ryan" a voice said.

"Oh, hey Summer" Ryan said. Should he just ask her straight away if she found Marissa? Should he tell her that he was in Tahiti, too? He decided not to ask straight away "So Sum, where are you calling from? It didn't show your ID."

"Actually I'm calling from Mr. Coopers house. It's really nice and he and Hailey look really happy and…" Summer coughed slightly and then went on speaking "…Marissa's here."

Summer noticed a relieved sigh from the other end. Ryan felt relieved, he was really afraid that Marissa could hurt herself or something like that. Memories of Tijuana came back…

"Is she alright?" Ryan asked nearly inaudible, afraid that though she was in Tahiti that something could have happened.

"I wouldn't say she's alright, but if you mean if she did something stupid - no she didn't. I will call you again later, ok? I can't talk very much right now." Summer said.

"Uhm.. Ok..Bye Summer and Thank you" Ryan said quickly.

"Bye" and with that Summer hung up the phone.


---15 minutes later---
Ryan stood in front of Jimmy Coopers house. So this was Marisssa's refuge (or retreat?). He looked at the white wooden door. Should he really do that? Should he really talk to her now? He was never a person of many words.
He inhaled and exhaled heavily one last time before he rang the doorbell. Why he felt so nervous?For him it felt like hours till he heard footsteps from the other side of the door. To his surprise Jimmy opened the door.

"Ryan? Let me guess you wanna talk to Marissa?" Jimmy asked giving him a cheerful smile. Marissa obviously didn't talk to him about what he had said. Otherwise Jimmy wouldn't be so nice and friendly to him.

"Uhm, actually, yes." He answered shortly.

"Summer and Marissa are on the beach. Just follow that path." And he pointed once again at the small path leading to the beach.

"Thank you" Ryan said and gave him a grateful smile. Ryan walked quickly down the path and stopped at the end. He recognized the familiar figures immediately.

He slowly walked up to them. His mind racing about how to start and what exactly to say. He had no plan.

"Hey" he mumbled.

Marissa and Summer looked at him in shock and stood up. Neither of them had expected him.

"Ryan? You… you are here?" Summer finally said after a moment of awkward silence.

"Uhm… yeah" he said turning his gaze from Marissa to Summer.

Summer understood.
"Uhm… I'll go back to the house. So you guys… can talk." She said quickly and squeezed Marissa's hand, who stood right behind her, like she wanted to tell her with this gesture to be strong and that she's with her mentally. Then Summer went off in the direction of the house. She knew that they now needed time alone to talk.

Minutes passed both just looking at each other.

Marissa first felt happy when she saw that he had followed her, but that happiness quickly was gone. She turned her gaze away of him. She sat back down onto the sand or better… she had to sit down again. Her feet were feeling like jelly once again. She stared at the ocean. The sun was going down again. Coloring the ocean in a beautiful orange tone.

Ryan hesitated a few seconds before sitting down next to her. He looked at her. Marissa's hair flew in the cool breeze. Exactly in that moment she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Even now she looked beautiful, he had to admit.

"Marissa…. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I wish I could undo things" he said softly.

"Is it true?" Marissa asked quietly.

"What?" Ryan asked her not knowing what she was talking about.

"What you said. Is this what you think that I am?" she asked fighting against her own tears.

"Marissa…. I…I was drunk I didn't mean those things that I said. I don't think that you are a drunken… you know what I said." He said looking down.

"Then why did you say that? Why did you have to blame everything on me?" She said facing him. It hurt him to see her like that – nearly breaking down.

"I'm sorry. I know now that it wasn't your fault that Liz drank so much…It was just… when I saw you again…so many emotions and memories came flooding back. I pushed them away for so long and couldn't handle them….so I drank something. I don't know, normally I go brooding or punch people…you know.." he said and he could see that her lips were forming a little smile for a few seconds.

"…but these events happened so fast that there was no time for brooding and there was no one I could punch neither… so I think that's the most likely explanation for why it happened. – but this shouldn't mean that it was right to say that all to you." he said and looked back at the ocean.
He felt relieved that all this was out, but he was afraid of how she would react – but Marissa didn't react really. She jus sat there continuing to stare at the ocean, saying nothing. He couldn't really read her facial expression.

"I'm sorry too, Ryan" she said after what seemed to be hours. Ryan looked at her with a puzzled face.

"It wasn't my intention to hurt you. I…I just wish that you would have given me the chance to explain everything to you." she said her voice nearly breaking again.

First Ryan didn't know what she was talking about but by now he new it exactly.
He could feel a painful lump forming in his throat. He didn't like where this conversation was leading to. He had planned that he would apologize and then… yeah what to do or talk about then? He decided that this was his turn to get answers, answers he needed so badly.

"Marissa why? Why you lied to me?" he asked her, not able to look at her.

Marissa sighed desperately. She ran her fingers through her hair. Now there was no way back. She shouldn't have started with that topic. Summers words resounded in her head 'Ok I won't tell him…. but I think he should know'
She had now her time to explain everything. She had now the chance to do that what she wanted to do for so long. But somehow she wasn't sure if that was so good now, but she had no other choice now. She took a deep breath and started:

"Ryan…where do I start…my mother…what my mother saw…. wasn't that what it looked like" Ryan looked at her confused while Marissa went on. He didn't really understood by now what she could mean.
"Ryan I didn't kiss him. He kissed me and my mother just saw in this kiss what she wanted to see. I never was together with Jason" She said looking straight into his blue eyes. Their eyes connecting, Ryan could see that she was sincere, but he had to ask further.

"But why didn't you tell me?"

"Ryan, I…. I couldn't. After the Oliver-story I just couldn't. I was disappointed that I didn't see it coming - that I had fallen into the same hole again. Plus I thought I would loose you. Isn't it ironic, huh? I thought I would loose you by telling you and in the end I lost you by not telling you." She said sadly with an ironic undertone. For one minute she hesitated about telling Ryan about Jason trying to take advantage of her, but she decided not to tell him. Some things were better of not knowing

Ryan's mind was racing. That meant, that they were apart because of…. a lie? He wished that he wouldn't have run away that night. That he would have given her time to explain everything. He understood now that it must have been hell for her to live with this all the time.

"Ryan... How did this get so complicated? Why this between us got so complicated? I mean it's like whenever we are together something happens - it just won't work out between us.." she said sadly looking into the distance.
"Look at what happened…. even when we are not a couple we fight…." she said her voice sounding sadly with a bit of a sarcastic undertone.

#
It's like you and I don't even try to get along
Like the two of us together are wrong
It's like you and I can't let the good make up for the bad

Guess we can't go back to what we once had…
#

"Whatever… I'm glad that I finally got the chance to tell you…. but it won't change anything now… you obviously moved on…." she said trying her best to cover how hurt she was by that fact.

But it didn't help. Ryan noticed it anyways.
"Marissa…. I lived all the time in the believe that you cheated on me… and then I…I met Eliza… and… it just happened…" Ryan stuttered.

"Ryan you don't need to explain yourself..." Marissa said softly "Maybe we are meant to be friends, huh? Just friends..."

Ryan looked at her. They looked at each other for a few seconds then Ryan mumbled "Maybe…"
Marissa saw his look and turned away. Did he just say maybe she was right? Maybe they should just be friends?
Ryan turned his gaze back to the ocean, too. He inhaled the salty scent of the ocean and thought about what she just had said. She was right, he moved on, right? He was now with Eliza and he was happy with her, she was there for him when he needed her. It didn't feel right to Maybe Marissa was right…maybe they were meant to be just friends.

#
Don't care about what I said
Just care about what I've done
Though years have come and gone
You know you're still the one
I love what's left of you
And I miss what now is gone
Guess the only thing we've done is moved on

It's like you and I don't even try to get along
Like the two of us together are wrong
It's like you and I can't let the good make up for the bad
Guess we can't go back to what we once had...
#

Marissa couldn't take the silence any longer. "Ryan, I think it's better if you leave….tonight" she said fighting hard against the tears that were stinging in her eyes. She stood up and started walking towards the house.

She had hoped so badly that he would say - No, let's give us one last shot, I love you or something like that – but he didn't. And after seeing this look in his eyes, she knew that he wasn't feeling a single thing that she was feeling.
No matter how much it hurt her, the fact that he hesitated that long and that he just said "maybe" proofed that what she feared since she met him again…. that he really had moved on. But she knew that she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize his new, happy relationship. So it would be better if he would leave tonight.

After a while Ryan stood up as well. He couldn't really realize what had happened. Was that really what he wanted?

---Jimmy's house---
Summer was waiting for them impatiently. She hoped really that everything would sort out. Marissa was a mess right now and she knew that only Ryan could help her right now. Where are the times when they were the fantastic four? What had happened to them? Was that some kind of "newport curse"? At least Summer and Seth broke curse… maybe Marissa and Ryan could do the same?
Summer snapped out of her thoughts at the sound of the door swing open.
A broken Marissa rushed past her. No, that definitely meant nothing good.She followed her upstairs into the guest room.

"Marissa…what…what happened?" she said with a sympathetic voice, making herself comfortable next to Marissa on the bed.

Marissa told her about what happened earlier. Marissa wasn't crying though it was hard for her to speak. She couldn't cry any longer.
"Summer…he didn't say something… you understand… I hoped so badly that he would protest and say something, but he mumbled just that maybe we should be just friends. Summer that was it for us…as.. lovers… I can't believe it." Marissa said desperately.

"Neither can I" Summer admitted sadly, embracing Marissa in a long hug.

"And I told him to leave tonight. I can't stand him here now…"

"Marissa…. I'm so sorry for you." Summer said consoling her friend.

---30 minutes later---
Ryan sat in the living room of Jimmy's house. Alone. He didn't feel very comfortable, this house and the presence of Marissa here seemed to overwhelm him. He thought about the talk on the beach. Was it really right? Did he move on? Somehow he felt responsible for Eliza, she was there for him when he needed someone. They could have been a happy couple for the next twenty years or more if Marissa wouldn't have told him about the real kiss-story. What had happened? A week ago everything was simple, especially his emotions. Marissa had cheated on him and was the "bad one" – the one to blame. But now things were different and his emotions were a mess. He knew that he really needed time to clear his head and to figure out what he really wanted, but staying here wasn't a good idea. Marissa told him clearly enough that he wasn't welcome here any longer.

The silence in the room was broken by a taxi's horn sounding loudly into the night as it pulled up outside.

Summer ran down the stairs and followed Ryan outside. He had told her that he was leaving and she said that she would drive with him to the airport to say their goodbyes there.

Summer got into the cab but Ryan hesitated. He had hoped that she would come outside. That they could say goodbye….as friends. But she wasn't there and that made him sad.

Suddenly he heard the door behind him swung open.
He turned around and saw Marissa walking up to him.
They looked at each other and stood there for what seemed eternity, just taking in everything they could about each other and both trying to find the right words, the right things to say.

"I guess this is goodbye then, huh?" Ryan said quietly.

"Yeah… I guess so." She answered sadly. She watched him getting into the taxi and shutting the door. Her heart ached, how could she let him leave like that? But it was too late, the taxi disappeared into the night and with it Ryan disappeared too.

She couldn't hold back her tears any longer.

#
It's like you and I don't even try to get along
Like the two of us together are wrongIt's like you and I can't let the good make up for the bad
Guess we can't go back to what we once had…
#

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Sooo this was Chapter 13. As I said the lyrics with the # are from The Perishers – What We Once Had

I hope you guys give me your reviews. I really appreciate them and I need them
and don't be mad at me because it was sooo sad. I don't know why…but I was totally in the mood for it.