hey all )

soo here is the latest chapter. i'm trying to post a new chapter soon. )

A/N: the parts with the are again a lyrics part….. the song is called "far away" from nickelback (I looooove nickelback at the moment)….. I recommend listening to that song while reading those parts.

Chapter 15 – Been far away for far too long

Marissa was still in her room. Jimmy could hear her crying, but she refused to talk to him. All he knew was that the reason for the state his daughter was in had to be Ryan. He had left so abruptly – no good sign.

For Marissa time stood still and she didn't even care at all. She sat huddled up on an armchair in front of her panorama window. She looked up at the sun that was shining down brightly outside. Normally she loved the sun. It filled her with energy but now the sun only made everything worse.
She just wished for rain…. the perfect weather to reflect her mood.
She had given up crying long ago… and tried to get further with processing that he's gone. Most likely for forever. At the moment she was now caught in-between of two emotions: anger and desperation.

Anger at herself and at Ryan.
Once again she couldn't tell him that she loved him and maybe she would never get the chance to tell him that again. And angry at Ryan that he gave up on their love. How come that he wasn't in love with her anymore and could move on, while she couldn't get rid of those feelings? Why she was left now in this mess called her life, while he could go on and live happily ever after with Eliza?

The hurtful truth was: her life just didn't work without Ryan.

It hasn't and it won't. The time without him in college was hell for her. She tried to concentrate on college, but failed miserably. Her thoughts always got back to Ryan and how he must feel at the moment and how much she missed him. The fact that they broke up because of a lie and that she had to leave everything so unfinished hadn't made it any easier. Sure, she wanted to call him – to talk to him, like when he was in Chino with Teresa, but somehow she wasn't able to. She couldn't bring herself to dial his number. What was she supposed to say anyways? 'Hi Ryan, it's me – the girl who broke your heart…'?
And yet she still couldn't think of a life without him and had hoped so badly for a "happy end"

He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it
All the memories so close to me just fade away
All this time you were pretended
So much for my happy ending
#(Avril Lavigne – My Happy Ending)

Ryan looked out of the window. The landscape rushed past him and with every minute he got closer to Marissa. His mind was racing; he finally was true to himself and figured out his feelings for her. The only thing left to do now was to tell her. Simple in theory but very difficult in reality.

But he knew to get her back he had to open up, for once he had to confess his feelings for her, though talking about feelings wasn't his specialty.
But what if she was too hurt and proud to take him back?
He pushed the thought away very quickly; the desire to see her, to touch her, to finally feel her again was stronger than any doubt.

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
Cause you know,
You know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
And you'll never go
Stop breathing
If I don't see you anymore

There he stood in front of Jimmy's house. He sighed deeply and turned around to see Summer smiling at him reassuringly.

"Go get her Ryan" she said encouraging. Ryan smiled back and started walking towards the house, having no plan what to say or to do.

"Oh…hey…Ryan" Jimmy said a bit unfriendly.

"Uhm..Hi… I'm here to see Marissa…can I come in?" Ryan blurted out.

"I don't think that's a good idea right…" but Ryan just stormed past Jimmy. He knew it was rude but at the moment nothing and no one could stop him now from seeing Marissa.

He looked at her closed door, sighing one last time and finally opening it. He looked around in the room and found Marissa standing in front of the panorama window.

Marissa heard someone closing the door, but she didn't bother further. She already knew who it was or at least she thought so.

Silence filled the room. Silence that gave Ryan the time to desperately find the right words to start, but he couldn't find them. Really… in theory everything seemed so much easier…

"Sum, I've lost him… why couldn't I make him stay?" Marissa asked out of the blue, her voice nearly cracking.

"You haven't lost me… you will never loose me, Marissa." Ryan answered softly, his heart aching by her hurt voice.

Marissa was shocked, turned around but dared not to look at him.
She couldn't believe it that he really was here. This sandy blonde guy with these unbelievable blue eyes, the guy that had turned her world upside down ever since she met him.
Sure, subconsciously she had wished for him to come, but now having him here made her somehow wish otherwise. She was unsure if she could handle seeing him yet.

For the first time since Ryan had entered her room she looked up and caught his eyes for a brief moment before she returned her gaze quickly to the floor again.

It hurt Ryan to see her in the state she was in. Her eyes were red and puffy from the crying and he could sense from her nearly inaudible sobs that she was on the verge of breaking down again.

Ryan instinctively rushed over to Marissa wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to him. At first Marissa's body stiffened and she tried to free herself from his embrace but she didn't succeed. Ryan didn't want to let go of her, he was holding onto her frail body as tightly as he could.
Soon her body relaxed to his touch and Ryan could feel warm tears soaking his shirt.

"It's okay, cry, let it out, whatever you want… I'm here, Marissa." Ryan said softly, rubbing her back soothingly.

And she did. Ryan's presence and his words had such an impact on Marissa that all the feelings she felt since they broke up came to the surface, leaving her crying even heavier into Ryan's chest. Her fragile frame was shaking violently under her hysterical sobs.

Ryan had never seen her cry this hard before, but he did his best to comfort her.

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me
And you'll never go
Stop breathing
If I don't see you anymore

They stayed like that for several minutes until Marissa was no longer crying.
For Ryan it felt so right to comfort her, to finally just be with her. He wondered why he had ever questioned his love for her.
He lifted her chin up with his fingers and looked Marissa straight into her red and puffy eyes. He wanted to ensure that he would tell her the one thing he came for.

"I love you" he nearly whispered, looking at her full of love and warmth.

Marissa looked him unbelieving in his eyes. Was it really true….did he still love her? So many thoughts were running through her head suddenly again. But before she could express her worries, doubts and questions Ryan leaned in and gave her a passionate but tender kiss filled with so much love that it washed away all her doubts for now.

So far away, so far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away, so far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know
You know, you know

"I'm sorry for ever leaving you." Ryan whispered into her ear while holding onto her tightly. She didn't respond anything, for her it felt good to feel his protective arms around her finally again. They didn't need words now - they were simply enjoying being in each other's embrace.

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe me
Hold on to me and
Never let me go

After a while Ryan pulled away and sat down on Marissa's bed. He patted the spot next to him, signalling Marissa she should come over and sit down as well. She walked over to Ryan a bit nervous and sat down beside him. They stared at each other – so many unsaid things and unanswered questions lingering in the air.

"I think we should talk about what happened. I know we talked already on the beach, but there are so many things that are left unsaid between us." he said softly.

Marissa understood and nodded. "Look, Ryan I…." but she was cut off.

"Marissa, wait. I think it's my turn to open up." he said and paused for a few seconds, thinking of the right words.

"I love you and I'm sorry that I left you. I don't know why I left you. I mean I do. The reason is that I was so scared of what I felt for you. These feelings were so… intense. Even after the time we were apart. I didn't know how to deal with them so I just took the easier way and ran away. But thank god I've had someone who stopped me." Ryan said giving her one of his half-smiles.

"And what about today on the beach? I hadn't the impression that you saw anything else than a friend in me and you didn't do anything to proof me different, don't you think?" Marissa said harshly, a little more harshly than she actually had intended. Sure, his words made her heart beat faster immediately, but at the same time she got more and more confused. She didn't know how she should interpret this situation. Just a few hours ago they sat on the beach and he kind of gave up on their love and now he was here confessing his love for her? Somehow that made no sense for Marissa.

Ryan had expected this reaction so he continued "Look I know what I said. I thought I made the right decision. A long time I thought that I had moved on and that there were no feelings left for you, except anger and disappointment. I mean it was easy to convince myself of that all the time. I was mad at you because I thought you had hooked up with Jason.
But then you told me that this wasn't the case and my before so clear feelings were suddenly a mess. I suddenly felt feelings for you that I thought I hadn't anymore, but I somehow felt obliged to push them away. Not only because it was unfair towards Eliza, no the more likely and more important explanation is the fact that still having them frightened me. Frighten in the meaning of afraid to get hurt again. Marissa these feelings….they make me vulnerable…. vulnerable to you. You know I'm not good at admitting fears, but you hurting me is definitely one." Ryan admitted his voice nearly cracking towards the end.

Marissa didn't know what to say, she had never heard Ryan talking that honest about his feelings before. But before she could say something he went on:

"And in the cab I came to two important realizations. I started to realize my feelings for you and the consequences of my decision. Something that Summer said made me think. She said that I shouldn't just choose the easier or the safer way by leaving you and being with Eliza to just not get hurt again.
And she was right. When I realized that the consequence of my decision was maybe never having you back in my life again, I had to ask myself if I really wanted this. And I didn't. I couldn't take the thought of letting you walk out of my life just like that. That was when I told the cab driver to turn the cab around."

Marissa's heart melted at his words. She took in everything he had just said to her, everything that had washed away all the doubts and worries that had tormented her previously.
She leant in and crashed her lips against Ryan's, kissing him passionately.
Ryan hadn't expected this reaction, but he would be lying if he said that he didn't like it. Their kiss grew more and more passionate making up for the time they had been apart.

They broke away after a while of their passionate make-out session, leaving both gasping slightly as they rested their foreheads against one another. A smile played across of both of their faces, expressing their feelings: joy – joy that they are in each other's arms again.
Both lay down on her bed and Marissa instantly snuggled up next to him, laying her head on his chest.

"Ryan..?" Marissa asked sweetly.

"Hmm….?"

"I love you" she said softly.

"Thank you" Ryan responded grinning widely.

"Hey…!" Marissa said with a playfully mad voice.

Ryan responded seriously but sweetly "I love you Marissa, I always have and I always will."

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What do you say? I know I wrote chapters previously that were longer, but better a shorter chapter than no chapter . soooo fluffy stuff for us r/m lovers... i know this chapter maybe sounds like an ending but it isn't...there will follow (hopefully) maaany chapters

Pleaaaaseeee post reviews…Let me know what you think of that chapter. It took me soo long to write this chapter. Somehow I feel like writing drama is easier for me than writing fluffy stuff. And this time I wasn't sure where to put that song lyrics into, all I knew was that I soooo had to use this song gg.

thanks to the people that already have reviewed )