AN: Just came to me last night, and I had to get up and write it!
He stared down at the amber coloured liquid in his hand. Hoping against hope that this one would make a difference. He downed it in one, after the burning sensation had gone, the overwhelming heartache returned, so bad he could've easily cried, but his tears had long since dried up.
He ran a shaky hand through his hair and looked around the bar. He spotted her. Long blonde hair and short in height. He sauntered up behind her and whispered his suggestions into his ear. She giggled as his breath tickled her ear and she nodded. Taking his hand she dragged him out of the smoky club and back to her place.
Another night in his life. The same as any other.
-xox-
He woke up, to smell the morning. He turned his head to see her, her blonde hair spilling out on to the pillow. They were always blonde. It made it easier, but so much harder at the same time. He had to bite his lip so many times to keep himself from screaming her name.
He looked up at the white ceiling above him and wondered to himself if she could see him. He hoped she couldn't. She'd be so disappointed in him. He finally got his humanity back and this is how he uses it.
He got up and threw his torn clothes on, observing the various bite marks on his body. Is this my life now? One meaningless fuck after another. He nodded to himself and walked on out the front door.
-xox-
He walked aimlessly, but he actually knew where he was headed. Today it marks the fifth year since she was gone. When she died he felt his whole world crash and burn around him. His soul crumbling into a pile of smouldering ash. Life lost its taste, its beauty; nothing made sense anymore. He felt like he was falling, but he still hasn't reached the ground. He felt his death, and now he was dead.
He finally reached it; his feet knew the path all too well. They walked of their own accord. No matter how much he tried to stop them. No matter how much heart was breaking. No matter how much ever fibre of his being screamed at him to stop. His feet carried on until he could see the large grey stone in the distance.
The soil was still wet from yesterday's rain, and the earthy scent mixed in with the scent of the tears that was all around. Salty and bitter. He dropped the red carnations on the ground. They were her favourite flowers. Even he only he knew that.
The pain came flooding back, all too fresh and all too real. He looked down at his shaking hands and fought to control them. He couldn't break down. Not now. She told him not to. She told him to be brave. Told him to keep his chin up.
Dammit, he was so sick of his chin being up. He was just so sick of smiling and pretending that everything was ok. Pretended that he was happy with his lifestyle of a different girl every night. When all he really wanted to do was scream and crawl into her arms. But she was gone and he was alone.
-xox-
"Buffy!" The rain was pelting down all around, making it hard to see anything, "Buffy!" He was screaming now, desperate to find her.
It was only feeble, but he heard it. He heard her. She sounded hollow, and her voice dripped in pain. Spike felt his eyes flash gold and anger rise up and consume him. He decided then that he would track down and brutally kill whatever did this to her. He ran through the storm until he made out her form. HE could smell her blood. Strongly and his heart filled with panic.
"Buffy!" He heard a little groan again. She wasn't gone not yet. He raced over to her and pulled her close to him. "Oh God." He could see the extent of the wounds. The red liquid was flowing fast and hard from the gaping hole in her stomach.
He lifted her shirt and took a sharp in take of un-need breath when his eyes witnessed the crimson on the ivory skin. He swallowed back the tears, wanting to be brave for her.
"Look, it's going to be ok luv. We'll get you to a hospital and they're gonna fix you right up. You'll be ok." Spike rushed his words out. Afraid that if he didn't say them fast, he wouldn't get to say them at all.
Buffy tried to laugh, but she coughed up more blood and Spike pulled her closer to him. Trying to shelter her from the pain. "I'm dying Spike." That was all she said. Three little words. And those three words sent his whole world into the abyss.
"No. No your not. Your gonna live." Tears were falling now. The thought of being brave abandoned.
"I love you Spike." Her voice sounded weak and submissive. He had never heard her voice like that and it scared him.
"Don't say that to me! Don't tell me that like your gonna die! Coz your not!" He was shouting now. All his frustration and fear coming out.
"I love you." She repeated. And then she screamed from the searing pain. And Spike couldn't fight in anymore. "I love you too. God, I love you so much." He could feel his heart constricting and shattering into a million and one pieces.
"Take care of Dawn Spike." The look of pain plastered all over her beautiful features. And it hurt him to know that pain she was going through. The fight she was putting up, just to speak to him for one last time.
"Anything for you." And he meant that. He would do anything for her. Even in death.
"I love you." And with that she gave up her fight. And Spike felt himself fall.
-xox-
He fell to his knees on the wet grass as the intensity of the memory hit him headfirst. One tear fell. One tear. He couldn't bare to let anymore loose. Sddenly her felt a new wave of anger wash over him and his fist came down hard on the ground beneath him.
"Why?" He screamed, "Why did you have to die and leave me here alone!"
He paused, as if waiting for an answer or an explanation. But not came. And his front that he had set up for the past five years was gone. The usual stoic Spike had gone and instead, there had been placed the same inconsolable pain of five years ago. And when he couldn't stand it anymore he screamed aloud; the pain of his heart splintering all over again was just too much to bottle up. And even with all the crying and yelling and hitting the pain just wouldn't go away. And it never would.
He slammed his head against the granite if her gravestone and he could feel the blood drip down his forehead. But he didn't feel any pain. He was numb. Since that night. Since the night his last foot hold on the world gave up. Since that night.
AN: That wasn't my best. I know but I just felt that I had to write it down. Leave feed back please.