I feel weightlessness in this body of mine. I haven't felt this light since the moment I died. You know when you're floating on your back in a body of water? It was something like that, only I wasn't in a swimming pool or the ocean. For a moment, I feel like I've died yet again. But I know that there won't be chubby cherubic babies with wings or a golden gate to greet me. How many times can a person have a near death experience?

I wake up, blearily blinking before sitting upright. There's a dull aching in my chest, not as intense and as painful as before, but still enough to make me feel fatigued. Despite my nausea and dizziness, I still manage to stand up on wobbly legs that make me feel like a newborn fawn learning to walk for the first time instead of a person.

I wasn't in the forests of the Cloud Recesses anymore, but rather in a white dimension with a single wooden door. Where was I? There's a soft whimpering and sniffling noises coming from behind there. It's a universal noise that I knew all too well not to ignore. That man I had seen in the forest, who was he to Meng Yao? What on earth had gone down between those two to cause him such emotional turmoil? It was even worse than the pain I felt when he saw Jin Ling again. I turn the doorknob with a creak and peer inside. There's a cacophony of noises that make me cover my ears and close my eyes to shut the pain out. It's loud and deafening to the point of insanity, making my head pound in protest. I focus on an all too familiar voice, one that's crying out so much in agony that it was heartbreaking.

"Er-ge…Er-ge…" it hiccupped in between sobs. "Please, forgive me…"

The voice sounded so small and vulnerable, almost like a scared and frightened child instead of that of an adult man. It was all the incentive I needed to rush inside. I made a promise to Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji to help people the day I started training under them. And this applied to spirits too. I wasn't going to break that promise either. A blinding light engulfs me, and I'm thrown into yet another memory.

I wake up and find myself in the Cloud Recesses. It's a familiar place to me, but at the same time, there was something off about this place that didn't feel all that familiar to me. There's a human sized weight on my back, about the size of an adult or teenager. He's currently whining and complaining loudly in my ears in the same manner a child would have after being scolded.

"Da-ge is going to kill me…" he whines pitifully, shifting his weight on me.

"Well, if you had perhaps not decided not to join Wei-Gongzi and Jiang-Gongzi last night in drinking alcohol, then you wouldn't have had to wind up getting punished like this," the voice coming out of my mouth grumbles.

The weight on my back only continues to whine and complain even louder. If I could, I would have covered my ears to drown his voice out. But alas, this was only a past memory so it was futile to do something like this. The sound of gravel crunches under my feet as we're walking along a gravel pathway towards a cluster of wood and straw houses. We eventually bump into a certain man in white and blue robes, younger, healthier and not as tired looking as before. He carries himself with grace and elegance unbefitting someone as young as he was, with a smile that reminds me of a warm summer's day. I didn't know why but, I felt my heart skipping a beat the moment I laid eyes on him.

"Oh, Meng Yao and Nie Er-Gongzi!" the man said jovially. "Are you two headed back to the guest quarters?"

Wait, Meng Yao had mentioned that he had been the attendant of a prominent cultivation clan in the past. Was this memory from his time there? I nod to him as I readjust the whining deadweight on my back to keep him from falling off. He's a lot heavier than I expected him to be.

"If you want those bruises on his back to fade away in a few hours, you should drop by the men's cold springs. Come with me, I'll show you where they are."

The scenery fades to white as just before I could follow him. The next time I blink, I find myself in a bamboo forest. There are tents set up around the area, with soldiers milling to and from between them. I'm wearing plain and simple robes while carrying a washtub in one arm and a large bundle of laundry in a basket tucked under my other arm. From my lips comes an unknown melody as I'm making my way down to the river bank.

A rustling from the nearby bushes catches my attention, nearly making me jump out of my skin. My mouth goes dry and the colour drains from my face when I see someone bloodied, dishevelled and exhausted stumbling out of them. In his arms are several tattered scrolls and old books falling apart at the seams. I realize with horror that it's that man again looking worse for wear. I let out a shocked gasp as he collapsed onto the ground in front of me, his precious cargo tumbling out of his arms. Without thinking, I immediately drop what I'm holding onto the ground and run over to help him. He's badly injured and bleeding profusely from a cut on his forehead, staining his pristine white forehead ribbon red with blood. What on earth had happened to him to leave him in such a horrible and battered state?

"Somebody! Help me!" Meng Yao yells out as he loops that man's arm around his shoulder. "Please! I've got an injured person with me!"

The scene fades to white again as Meng Yao is hobbling back to base with that injured man dangling off of him. I blink again and find myself in a clearing surrounded by lines of crisp white linens fluttering in the breeze around us. That man is sitting beside me now on a stool in front of a wooden basin, brows furrowed in concentration and sleeves rolled up to his elbows. I'm watching him as he's scrubbing the soggy and soap filled fabric together in his hands. The sound of delicate fabrics tearing fills the air as the man looks down in horror at what he's done. I can't help but stifle a laugh with my hand as he holds up an expensive looking outer robe with a giant tear going down from the collar to the middle of the back.

"Here, let me handle this, Zewu-jun," I chuckle as I take the torn robe from him. "With how strong your arms are, I fear I'll have to keep sewing your clothes back up for you each time you wash them."

The man beside me manages to let out a weak, sheepish smile as he laughs nervously.

"Is there…anything else I can help you with?" he asks, cheeks flushing pink with embarrassment and hand on the back of his head.

"No, it's alright," I tell him as I put the damaged garment to the side. "You go sit over there while I finish up here."

The scene changes again. It's now night time and all is quiet, save for the sound of crickets singing their mating songs and the soft, breathy moans of two people in love. I find myself pressed against a tree with this man's hands wrapped around my head and shoulders. He's kissing me deeply and passionately as I claw at the back of his robes like my life depended on it. I feel warm and tingly as he occasionally nips at my lower lip and slips his tongue in and out of my mouth, causing me to moan softly each time we break away for air.

"…love you…" he rasps out in between pants, his sweat slicked forehead pressed against my own.

"I love you, too," I tell him with a smile, my nose brushing up against his.

The scene thankfully changes to something else before anything could happen. The acrid smell of smoke fills the air as the sounds of warfare ring out from every direction. I stand hiding behind a pillar; hand on my sword while watching a tall man in red and white robes go toe to toe with two people who looked too young to be participating in a war. One of which is a tall, broad shouldered man in his early 20s in grey and golden robes wielding an oversized saber. The other is an all too familiar figure in white and light blue robes wielding a jian.

Even with such a huge disadvantage, he seems to be able to match them blow for blow with his bare hands. It was clear who was winning by the way he overpowered them. I knew I had to do something. Just when he was about to deliver the finishing blow, I drew my sword and dashed out from behind my hiding spot. With a well-aimed strike, I plunge my blade through his heart from behind, causing the other man to look at me, anger and betrayal in his eyes and blood oozing from his mouth.

"Y-you…" he gasps out in pain.

As I pull my sword out, I watch as the other man drops dead, a pool of blood forming around him. Before I could react, I'm thrown into another memory just as I pull the red and white robes I'm wearing off of me with a triumphant smile. I now find myself standing with those other two outside on a winding staircase. It's a clear sunny day, but the atmosphere seems very formal and serious here. The three of us are saluting in front of an altar lined with offerings. The smell of incense lingers heavily in the air.

"We swear to god that today, the three of us will make a solemn pledge here," Says the man in the grey and golden robes in a loud, clear voice. "To live up to our clans and help the common people. Heaven and Earth are here to bear witness. If there is disloyalty between us, we'll be universally condemned. Both God and people will be furious with us."

"We'll be universally condemned. Both God and people will be furious with us." The man in the white and blue robes and I repeat after him.

We then get on our knees on cushions placed below us and kowtow three times to show how seriously we're taking this vow, and to pay our respect to the gods. After we bow, we're given small cups filled with what looks like rice wine inside.

"From this day forward, we are now sworn brothers," The man in the white and light blue robes says. "Whenever any of us are in danger or in need of assistance, we shall be there to help each other out."

"To brotherhood!" the man in the grey and golden robes says as we raise our cups up for a toast.

There's a loud deafening chorus of cheers as the three of us down the cups of wine. The scenery changes around me, and I'm in another memory. It's a sunny day outside with the sound of birds and cicadas singing in the background. The gentle scent of sandalwood wafts through the air as I'm in a room with the summer sun streaming in through an open window. I'm sitting on the floor on a cushion in front of a low standing table . My brows are furrowed in concentration as I pluck at guqin strings. There's a soft and gentle melody that flows from these hands of mine. Although there are mistakes that are made here and there, it's a song that is filled with warmth and happiness.

"You've improved so much in such a short amount of time!" A voice tells me proudly.

I turn my head and see that man in the white and light blue robes standing behind me. He has one of the biggest smiles plastered on his face that he's practically blinding. I can't help but feel my cheeks heat up as he wraps his arms around my waist from behind and places his chin on my shoulder.

"Oh no, Er-ge," I tell him with a smile. "I'm still not as good as you are when it comes to playing this song. If anything, I still have a long way to go before I can get to your level."

A chuckle escapes from his lips as he buries his face into the crook of my neck. I can feel so much love radiating from him as he trails lazy kisses up and down my neck.

"Oh nonsense, A-yao," He says. "Don't be so modest! Anybody can improve with practice. I've shown you this melody once and you've managed to figure out the basics in just a few days. That memory of yours is amazing!"

I turn around and cup his face with my hand as I plant a kiss on his cheek.

"That's because I have such an amazing teacher," I say with a soft laugh. "Perhaps one day, I'll write a song for you to listen to, only something for our ears."

"Mmm, I'd love that," He hums happily. "I'll hold you to that promise then."

We share a deep and tender kiss just as the memory changes to something else. It's now just me and that man in the white and light blue robes in a darkened bedroom, lit by only a few candles and casting long shadows on our surroundings. That other man is leading me by the hand to a bed in the corner of the room. He has a grim and somber look on his face, a stark contrast between the happy and love struck person he was mere moments ago.

"Er-ge, what's this all about?" I ask in a confused voice.

"A-Yao, I…We can't keep doing this…" He says, eyes looking away and voice thick with emotion. "I only want the best for you, and I want you to be happy. Let's end it today."

I feel like all the air's been sucked out of the room. I can't breathe, and I feel like someone's put a million knives through my heart. What was going on? Weren't they just being mushy with each other? My eyes are pricking with tears, and my face feels like it's on fire.

"I…I don't understand…" comes the scared and confused voice from my mouth. "Er-ge, what are you getting at?"

"You're to marry Qin-Guniang soon right?" he asks. "She…She's a good woman and she deserves to be treated with respect."

Wait, what? There was a woman being involved in this? How many people have you hurt, Meng Yao?!

"After everything we've been through?!" I ask him, near hysterics. "You're just going to end it just like that?"

"I'm sorry it has to come to this, A-Yao…" he tells me, his voice tinged with pain and regret. He himself looks like he's going to start crying, too. "The cultivation world…it's not ready for the two of us as a couple. Qin-Guniang… only she can give you something that I can't: blood heirs. I can't give you children."

There are tears now flowing out of my eyes. My throat feels tight and my whole world feels like it's falling apart. He only smiles sadly at me as he places his hands over mine. I want to jerk my hands back and run as far away as I can away from him. The very sight of him simultaneously makes me sick and fills me with anger. How dare he do this to me!

"But…I want to spend the rest of my life with you! Qin-Guniang is a nice person, but she can't fill me with as much happiness as you do! We could always adopt if you want kids!"

The other man's eyes are now glistening with tears, struggling to stay strong for Meng Yao. The turmoil in having to choose between his duties and his heart were as clear as day on his face. How could he say such heartless things like this and pass them off as being absolute? How could he just destroy someone's heart like this?

"A-Yao…" he says while trying to compose himself. "You know it's not the same. Adopting children and bearing them… You know how much emphasis cultivation clans put on bloodlines."

He pulls me into an embrace, trying to soften the blow. All it's doing instead is just adding more fuel to the fire. I hear him sobbing softly into my shoulder, causing the tightness in my chest to twist even further and my heart to shatter. I saw how much they had loved each other, and to see it all end like this…it was just cruel! Even someone like Meng Yao didn't deserve having their heart broken like this.

"I'm sorry, but I… we have to do this. It's for the sake of the Jin Sect's relationship with the Qin Sect." He says in between sobs. "Though we may have separated, I'll still come to your aid when you need it. You're my sworn brother after all. Treat Qin-Guniang with all the love and tenderness you've shown me over the years. Consider this our parting gift. Our one last memory as lovers"

Before I even have time to process that memory, I'm thrown into another one just as that other man places a sad and bittersweet kiss on my lips. I hear the sound of steel piercing through flesh and pain blossoming through my body. Blinking in shock and confusion, I look down to see a familiar looking blue sword sticking out of my chest, quickly staining my golden robes red with blood. I put my hand to my chest, only to notice how burnt and mangled it looks. I'm also acutely aware of how much blood I'm losing from where my right arm used to be. All that's left is a bloody stump barely being stanched by some torn rags that are quickly becoming soaked.

I look up from my chest, only to notice the pale and horrified face of that man in the white and light blue robes. There was also someone in dark grey and golden robes standing behind him with a terrified expression on his face. I was so confused, what on earth happened? How did a couple go from being sentimental and mushy with each other to now plunging a sword into someone's chest? I was too shocked and terrified to react properly, but through his eyes, I listened as he went off on a long and epic speech about being outsmarted by that guy behind him and laughing like a crazed maniac. He then proceeded to grab the sword sticking out of his chest with his mangled hand, not even caring that he was slicing his hand open on the sharp edges.

"Don't move!" yelled the other man.

Despite his warnings though, he still moved anyways, causing the sword embedded in his chest to slide even deeper into his body. The smaller of the two seemed to shrink back in fear as Meng Yao let out another horrific laugh.

"I told you not to move!" The other man shouted.

"Lan Xichen! In this lifetime, I've lied and killed countless times," I heard him say, his voice becoming more and more deranged as he continued. "It's just like you said. I've killed my father, my brother, my wife, my son, my teacher, my friend, -Of all the evils in the world, what HAVEN'T I done?"

What did he just say? Oh no... Was I sharing my consciousness with a murderer? What on earth had he done? He had warned me beforehand that he'd done some shady and horrible things in the past, but to learn about the extent of them, it was too much! Not even his wife and son were safe from being harmed by him! How old had his son been when he died? But it seemed he wasn't done just yet as I heard him taking another shuddering breath before continuing.

"But I've never thought about wanting to hurt you! " He says in a pained voice, almost near tears. "Back when the Cloud Recesses burned down and you were fleeing from the Wens, who was it that saved you? And when the Gusu Lan Sect was rebuilding everything from the ground up, who was the one who financially supported you? In all the years you've known me, when have I ever cracked down on the Gusu clan and asked for anything in return? Apart from the time I've sealed your spiritual powers, when have I ever wronged you or your sect? When have I ever demanded gratitude?"

That man, Lan Xichen's angry look seemed to waver for a bit, only to be replaced by a look of someone who was at a loss for words for what to do. As he continued to rant and rave, I was now thought about the gravity of what I'd gotten myself into. Was this what the real Meng Yao was like? An ax crazy murderer with a body count in the thousands? Through his eyes, I watched as he yanked the sword out of his chest and bolted towards a black coffin sitting on an altar. But he didn't seem to run very far as Lan Xichen grabbed him by the shoulder. I wasn't sure what kind of face Meng Yao was making at this point but judging by Lan Xichen's surprised look, it couldn't have been a good one.

"Er-ge, stay and die with me!" he exclaims as blood from his missing arm began to drip through a crack into the coffin below him.

"He's not trying to get away! Zewu-jun, you have to move! Let go of him!" another voice I recognized as Wei Wuxian's called out to him.

But it was already too late for him. I watched as the coffin lid shattered to pieces and a pale, discoloured and rotting arm shot out from within. I listened to him as he let out a choked gasp as it grabbed his neck, cutting off oxygen to his head. No person should have been this abnormally strong! Another arm had shot out looking for Lan Xichen as well. I wasn't sure what had come over Meng Yao but what he did next, it was like watching everything in slow motion.

Just when that arm was mere centimeters from grabbing Lan Xichen's neck, he pushed him away at the last moment. As he was pulled inside the coffin, the last thing I saw was Lan Xichen's horrified face, helpless to do anything as the darkness engulfed him. I could see his life flashing before my eyes as that corpse held him by the neck like a rag doll. He had tried wrenching his hand free from his neck, but it was futile. He knew that he was going to die, but it didn't stop him from spewing just one more curse out.

"Fuck you, Nie Mingjue!" he spat out. "You think I'm really scared of you?! I-"

He never got to finish that statement. The last thing I heard was the sickening crunch of his neck being snapped in half like a toothpick and the metallic taste of blood as it oozed out of my mouth.

Author's Notes:

So I had a lot of people on discord helping me write this chapter. Mostly on that break up scene and Guangyao's death scene. These memories are a mixture of scenes from the novel, the drama, the donghua, and my own interpretations of some of these events. I'm sorry for all the knives I put into this chapter.