Chapter 2: Birth of an Idiot Nation
Starring:
Robin as Cameron
Starfire as Cameron's Southernbell girlfriend in another family
Speedy as the Abolinationist
Cyborg, Bumblebee, Raven and Beastboy as every black in the film!
"You cast me as the asshole who starts the KKK!" Robin shouted looking up from the casting script
"It's not personal Robin." General Rage assured "Trust me, I'll make it up to you when we get to do those 80's action films."
"You better." Robin demanded
It was then that Beastboy realised a problem
"Wait a second!" Beastboy began to point out "I'm not black!"
"Niether am I." Raven agreed "I'm the most white person here."
General Rage gave this some though and eventually found out a solution for the problem
"MAKE UP!"
A Make up team suddenly tackled Beastboy and Raven and when they came up from the tussle they were now in blackface
"What type of bulls--t is this?" Beastboy asked in anger
"I am not going on camera looking like this." Raven protested "It will ruin my reputation."
"Now listen you two," General Rage explained "the film is a parody of DW Griffith's racist film. That means it's going to make fun of white supremicists instead of the other way around."
Beastboy began to rub his blackface make up off
"Well since the people who are technically targeted in the original film are coloured,"said Beastrboy "then don't need any of this idiotic stuff on me. I'm Green for the love of god."
"And I refuse to go on looking like this." Raven told rage as she reapeted Beastboy's actions and rubbed off her blackface
"Fine," Rage consented "but we're dressing you like Aunt Jeminia and giving you a quickie tan."
A Wardrobe and Spa treatment team surrounded Raven and when she got up, her pale face was now brown and she looked like the lady on the syrup bottle
"This fake tan better come off." She threatened
"I don't know Rae," Beastboy said looking at her "it really brings out your eyes." Raven looked at him angirly forcing the changeling to explain himself "I'm serious, it was a compliment."
Raven was taken a back by this
"It was?" She asked
"Yeah." Beastboy confirmed
Raven blushed at this, but the moment was spoiled by General Rage and his directorial ambitions
"Okay people get to the soundstage," He shouted "we have a parody to do."
(Opening with Black Union Soldiers "attacking" a bunch southners)
Jynx: Do not hurt us!
Mammoth: Yeah man we're defenceless.
Cyborg: Okay, I just wanted to ask if you had any pie. That's all! Why do you have to be so...
Aqualad: Please! Don't rape our children.
See-More: This is idiotic. We haven't even done anything.
Herald: By the way, how come this entire platoon is made up of black people?
Cyborg: There were Black soldiers in the Civil War you know.
See-More: Amen to that brother, Ha ha!
(Trumpet sounds and the billy Numerous Cavarly runs down the hill)
Billy: The south shall rise again!
Cyborg: Herald.
(Herald blows horn and opens up a rift that sucks all the Billy Numerous cavalry up)
Herald: Can we get the hell out of here now.
Cyborg: Fine they don't have pie anyway.
(See-More, Cyborg and Herald begin to leave)
Aqualad: HEY! Aren't you gonna try and rape our children?
See-More: For the last time no!
(Southern Plantation, Starfire and Robin walking out in the fields)
Starfire: Oh friend Robin...
GR: Starfire in this scene he's named Cameron.
Starfire: But that is not his name.
GR: Just pretend that Robin changed his name okay? Like he'll do when he becomes Nightwing.
Starfire: Very well, Friend Cameron. I fear I can not be with you. My father has become an abolinationist and wishes to free the slaves still in captivity after the war.
Robin/Cameron: But why, does he not see how happy they are as slaves?
(Cut to Beastboy and Raven in the cotton fields)
BB: Are we getting paid for this?
Raven: No.
BB: Then why the hell am I doing this?
Raven: Because if you don't the scary guys over there will whip you.
Scary Guy: A slave loves to be whipped.
BB: Yikes! (Picks cotton like crazy)
(Cut back to Robin and Starfire now joined by Cyborg)
Robin/Cameron: Ah my favourite house slave has come to bring us a picnic lunch and give us entertainment.
Cyborg: No way man! I'm not doing any minstrel shows for you.
Scary guy: Sounds like someone needs a good whipping!
Cyborg: What makes you think I want that?
Scary Guy: Slaves liked to be abused.
Cyborg: Dude, why would you think that crap up?
Scary Guy: Look just perform a song and dance number for the masters or you'll beaten with a fire poker.
(Cyborg sighs and starts kick legs out unenthusiastically)
Cyborg: (Detached) I will do the German dance for you it's fun and gay and tra la la. Hope you will enjoy my Dance. Tra la la la.
Starfire: Most amusing, now eat this melon of water in a comical manner. (holds up watermelon)
(Cyborg looks at her angirly)
Cyborg: Okay that is it! (Punches scary guy next to him) You "master boys" can go screw yourselves! (Walks off of plantation)
Robin/Cameron: See, slaves love entertaining us.
(Cotton bail hits him square in the chest and brings him down to the ground)
Cyborg: Go to hell!
Washington DC.
Bro. Blood: And now, the glorious age of tolerance shall begin. As we indite our first black senator to the fold.
(See-More walks up to podium)
See-More: The ladies are all feeling alright! Because everyone knows See-More is (claps hands) DYNOMITE!
GR: See-More! We're trying to avoid racial streotypes!
See-More: But that was a good series man.
GR: Fine, but no references to Bill Cosby. The NAACP will be really down our throats then.
See-More: Ah come one, Bill Cosby's great.
GR: Not since he made that speech saying that in order to improve Ghettos they couldn't beg for money from the government. Now return to the action please. Val-Yor, your line.
Val-Yor: I protest to this action! If we let him in, all kinds of black people will come in until the only white people left are from the south!
Bro. Blood: What fantasy do you live in? Anyway, we're also giving blacks fair voting rights.
Val-Yor: I am outraged by this!
Bro. Blood: Why I dare ask?
Val-Yor: Because... uh... Blacks are animals and will corrupt the whole process of voting! I have no proof, but it's true!
See-More: Hey man, you don't like it than you can suck my chocolate salty balls!
Chef: Amen.
GR: Dude, please, no more famous black people references.
(BB and Raven's plantation)
BB: Did we use up our 10 second break yet?
Raven: They said it's down to five now.
BB: I thought emancipation proclamation meant we didn't have to do this anymore!
Raven: Just relax okay, I have a feeling everything's gonna be okay.
(Bumblebee runs up to BB and Rae)
Bumblebee: Guys, they're voting down at the train station!
BB: They are!
Bumblebee: Yeah and it says we can vote too.
(Robin runs out of house)
Robin/Cameron: No don't go and vote! You'll be corrupted by the free blacks and they will whip you if you refuse to vote for the apporiate candidates that will allow blacks to control the senate!
BB: Dude, we get whipped enough here.
Raven: Yeah, I'd rather spend my time voting than picking cotton. What do you guys need with so much cotton anyway?
BB: You want it so bad? (Throws basket to Robin) Pick it yourself ya lazy bum.
(BB, Raven and Bumblebee leave, and Robin looks down at cotton field)
Robin/Cameron: Okay, pick cotton myself. How hard can it be?
(2 hours later, Robin has no idea how to do the job)
Robin/Cameron: Where the hell do I start!?
Gizmo: What you need is the Cotton Gin 2000! It can clear a cotton field in twice the the speed a dozen slaves can. It's more ethical and efficent. It's easy to use and you don't have to worry about it getting uppity.
(Robin considers the offer)
Robin/Cameron: It's not the same. (lowers head in sorrow)
Gizmo: Man you southern slave owners are pathetic.
(Starfire is walking on a side walk when Speedy and Herald walk by)
Starfire: Why is this black person on the sidewalk? Why does he not walk where he is suppose to?
Speedy: Hey, he can walk where he wants to.
(Starfire falls down)
Starfire: The man in the mask has hit me and now wishes his coloured friend to rape me!
Speedy: What? I never even touched you!
Starfire: Liar! You touched me inapporiately and had your free-slave friend try to assualt me sexually.
Herald: Okay, now she's just making things up.
(Robin/Cameron runs over to Starfire)
Robin/Cameron: What did you do to her?
Speedy: She just collapsed when I told her blacks have as much right to the sidewalk as whites.
(Robin collapses to the ground)
Robin/Cameron: The black guy tried to rape me and girlfriend for the amusemant of his abolinationist friend!
Speedy: Herald.
(Herald blows horn and sucks the two out of their way)
Speedy: Good one.
Herald: Can we just go on before someone else starts calling us rapists.
(Robin's porch step)
Robin/Cameron: How can I stop these blacks from ruining America? (looks and see Timmy, Teether and Melvin playing as ghosts while chasing Beastboy around)
Raven: Run Beastboy. Don't let Melvin the Ghost catch you.
Beastboy: Ha fat chance! I'm as fast as a cheetah. (Morphs into Cheetah)
Melvin: Bobby grab him.
(The invisible hand of Bobby grabs BB)
BB: Hey what the heck?
Raven: I should have mentioned Bobby I guess.
BB: Yeah you probably should. Could he let me down now. (BB drops to the ground with a thud and everyone laughs)
Cameron/Robin: That completely innocent children's game has given me the greastest idea ever! I shall get a band of my friends together and we shall dress up as ghosts and scare the Black people! YEAH! (Robin looks to GR) Rage, this idea is retarded.
GR: DW Griffith thought up the damn scenario of the creation of the KKK alright. Of course it's retarded!
Robin: Whatever part you have planned for the 80's movie parodies this better be worth it.
(Small farmhouse, Herald just going about his day as usual by fetching water from the well. Suddenly Robin dressed as Klu Klux-style Red X and the Bill Numerouses dressed as KKK members ride in on horseback)
KKK Robin: Alright, we're gonna ask you to stop voting and gaining equal rights. Or we'll come here and scare you!
(Herald looks at them emotionlessly)
Herald: You're joking right?
KKK Robin: No. In fact we're scaring you right now. BOO!
Herald: You guys are lame. (Walks away)
KKK Billy: The south shall rise again! (Throws fire bomb at barn)
Herald: HEY! What the hell?
KKK Robin: Scared yet?
Herald: No I'm pissed off! What the hell was that for?
(Billy jumps down off a horse and grabs Herald by the neck and drags him along the ground and drops him)
Herald: WHAT THE #$! OW WHAT THE...! Cough Are you crazy?
(Billy takes a baseballl bat and starts beating Herald up)
Herald: JESUS! ARGH! OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL! OW! SON OF A...!
(Billy stops)
KKK Robin: Did we scare you?
(Herald gets off ground and brushes dirt off)
Herald: You tried to kill me you assholes!
KKK Robin: No we were scaring you.
Herald: That's it, I'm calling the police.
KKK Robin: We didn't do anything wrong.
Herald: You tresspassed on my land, burned down my barn, beat me with a stick and... What the hell is he doing?
(KKK Billys busy planting a cross)
KKK Robin: They're just planting a calling card for everyone to see.
(Billys light cross on fire and start dancing around it like a may pole)
KKK Robin: So you scared yet?
Herald: You people are retarded.
(Meanwhile on the porch outside of BB and Raven's newly bought house after being freed from Slaverly, BB and Rae are sitting on the steps)
Raven: Well Timmy and Teether have gotten to bed and Melvin's getting ready. And I finally washed off that fake tan makeup.
GR: HEY!
Raven: I'm not wearing it again okay? (Angry look on face)
GR: You got it sister. (Backs off)
BB: Those kids sure are cute. Do they even know they're in a movie?
Raven: I want it to be a surprise. They're gonna freak when they see themselves after the film ends.
BB: Hey are we still rolling?
GR: Ah no, we need to fix the camera give me a second.
Raven: Why is it broken?
GR: I spilt coffee on it, just give me a second to fix it.
Raven: (Rolls eyes and looks over at BB) So, what do you wanna talk about?
BB: Well for one, how again did you convince Rage to have the kids appear in the film.
Raven: I didn't, he said they were only ones who could fit the part of the children who inspire the KKK.
BB: I still say that inspiration is stupid.
Raven: Everyone does.
BB: You know I never noticed how good you look in the moonlight.
Raven: Well that's because we don't see each other at... Beastboy, did you just say I looked good?
BB: Um yeah I guess I did.
Raven: (leans over) So does that mean you think I look pretty?
BB: (Leans closer) Maybe a little, I guess. But why would someone think opposite?
Raven: I guess I just never thought of myself that way.
BB: Well I think you look...
(Torch light ruins moment)
KKK Billy: Inter-Racial Couple! It's lynching time boys!
(KKK Billys grab BB and drag him away)
BB: What the hell is going on? We're not filming yet!
Raven: This isn't in the script! They're doing this on their own! Rage! Tell them to stop!
GR: (Holding up video camera) Hell no! This is too good! It will fill up the plot development for the parody nicely.
Raven: But I just washed the tan off! I'm still starring as a black right?
GR: Nope, you're now cast as the inter-racial wife.
Raven: But we're not even a couple!
BB: (Being Dragged further away) RAE! Can you just stop the crazy white supremiscists from killing me!
Raven: Azarath Met-
GR: Hold it right there missy. I allowed Herald to use his horn but dark magic is where I draw the line. Save him yourself or watch him hang.
(BB loaded onto horse and rides away)
Raven: Fine. Hang on Beastboy, I'll save you. (Runs after horse) Rage, when I get him back you better hope he's okay.
GR: She's always threating me.
(Congress, now made up of blacks and whites)
Chairman Cyborg: People, we have just heard that a young coloured man is going to executed publicly in front of everyone in the south. We must stop this horrible act.
Val-Yor: I object! Lynching is nessecary in order to keep lawless black people in line. We can't have gangs of free blacks running around marrying white people. We need fast and unfair trials that give death penalties for every crime.
See-More: Oh will you shut up you racist prick.
Val-Yor: No way #$er!
(Everyone gasps. 50 cent comes through door and shoots Val-Yor repeatedly and then leaves)
Chairman Cyborg: You see, now that kinda behaviour is unacceptable.
Bumblebee: The racial slurs or the murder.
Chairman Cyborg: Both! Alright everyone lets head on over and stop this illegal act of murder.
GR: You're suppose to say something about crushing the white south with the heel of the black north, but since that line is gay I'll let it slide.
(Lynching tree where BB awaits exectution)
KKK Robin: Wait a second guys this wasn't in the script.
Billy: Who cares it's fun!
KKK Robin: I don't think it's fun.
GR: Will you bloody well get into character!
KKK Robin: Fine, (Clears throat) We shall now hang the coloured person for the crime of marrying someone not of his race.
BB: (Led up to hanging position) Um this whole set up is fake right? (Noose put around neck)
Billy: (Put hand on trap door switch) The south shall rise- (Shot through the head)
(Everyone looks up to see Raven on a roof top brandishing a rifle)
Raven: How about the South stays down!
Billy: You think you can take the entire force of KKK Numerous?
Raven: No, but I know someone who can.
(Melvin steps to Raven's side)
Melvin: You're all a bunch of meanies! Bobby get'em!
(Bobby materializes out of thin air and drops down on top of KKK members who he proceeds to maul)
Billy 106: This ain't good Billy!
Billy 312: You said it Billy!
(Raven floats down and releases BB)
BB: Bobby knows this is just a movie right?
Raven: (Looks around nervously) Uh, sure yeah.
(Black Union troops arrive)
Cyborg: (Adresses KKK) By the order of President Ulysees S. Grant your little Ghost club has been banned as a terrorist organization.
Herald: Which means we can start shooting you if you get out of line.
(Robin takes off KKK Red X hood)
Robin: Hey didn't the original movie end with the KKK winning and taking back the south and stuff?
GR: Screw that bull crap! This movie was a joke and it still bloody well is!
Cyborg: Which was why it was way too easy to parody.
See-More: Yeah I hope we get a harder film next time.
(Over with Raven, the kids, Bobby and BB)
BB: You didn't tell me Bobby was a giant Teddy bear.
Raven: What did you think he was?
BB: I figured he was Bobby the Bunny or something. Anyway thanks for the save back there Bobby.
(Bobby smiles)
Melvin: Bobby says it's no problem. He'd do anything for a friend of Raven's.
(BB smiles)
Raven: So what were you going to say before Billy's band of white robed loonies interrupted us?
BB: Well, nothing I was just gonna say that you looked (Glups) Beautiful.
(Raven is taken a back by this and blushes. Then she smiles and kisses BB on the cheek.)
Raven: Thanks
(Beastboy faints)
GR: Will you two pack up we need to get back to the studio and get to work on the next parody.
(Ghost comes from out of the ground)
Spirit of DW Griffith: I am the Spirit of DW Griffith! You have runied my masterpiece and now must face my unrequited wrath.
GR: Herald take care of the racist undead loser in front of me.
(Herald blows horn and sucks the gohst into another diemension)
GR: You know I always found your powers cool.
Herald: It's all in the horn.
GR: It still rocks. Not like Red Star's though, but still.
Robin: So how do we end this chapter?
GR: Black Power!
Cyborg: That works.
More Craptacular political crap when we return!