Chapter 3: How many Bullets does it take to Kill the US President?

Starring:

Robin as DA Garrison who shall be called Grayson here because the name sounds alike.

Starfire as Garrison's moppy and emotional wife

The Titans as the New Orleans Detectives

Speedy as Lee Harvey Oswald

with special guest appearance by

The Question as Mr. X

and

Several Random Conspiracy Nuts

"Oliver Stone sucks!" Rage shouted with glee

"How'd you get the Question over here?" Raven asked

"I told him I had the connection between the boy scouts, Hitler, a Cat named Bob and Ed Wood." Rage explained

This earned him a critical look from Raven

"You don't have anything do you?" She asked

"Not a thing." Rage acknowledged

"So are we just suppose to talk about the JFK assasination for the next couple of hours." Beastboy asked

"Yeah," Rage told him "but don't worry Beastboy. Conspiracy theories are all just random disperate facts pieced together with paranoia and fear."

"So it should be easy for you to manage without your head exploding from all the politics." Raven said hoping to ease his worries, instead it only ticked off Beastboy.

"Hey," he arggued "I can be political and stuff."

Robin just then rudely interjected

"So you gave me the lead role again." He said looking at the casting script

"Yes," General Rage nodded "I thought Garrison's personality fit you. Paranoid and obssesed with catching bad guys who aren't there."

"When have I ever done..." Robin suddenly remembered the "Haunted" incident "Okay, got me there. But still just one time!"

"Well I can always get someone else." Rage admited

Robin threw up his hands in protest

"No wait," he said "I can do it. Just try not to me make look stupid."

"I'm technically not making you look stupid," Rage explained "I'm making the guy's whose character your based on look stupid."

Beastboy was able at this point to gain Rage's attention once more

"Seriously," he said "I can do a speech on the ethical reasons to eat Tofu."

"Still won't change people's minds." Rage said shooting down the Green Teen's hopes

"Well if he wants to try theres no stopping him." Raven explained before turning to Beastboy "In fact Beastboy, I wish the best of luck in making a good speech."

BB went wide eyed at this with delight

"Really?" he said rather surprised before becoming extremely gitty "Thanks Rae you have no idea what that means to me! I'm gonna start thinking up about something to write right now!"

"After the movie Green man." Rage said before he could run off "Alright people places!"

Note: We could talk about JFK's history, but we won't. Read a book people.

(Opening Kitten is thrown out the back of a car and brought to hospital)

Kitten: They're gonna kill Kennedy!

Doctor: How'd you find this out?

Kitten: I was popping pills in the bath stall and when I got outside this bird told me.

Doctor: What about the car?

Kitten: I was in an ecstasy binge, I needed hot drenchy...

Doctor: Please stop.

(DA Grayson's office in New Orleans, in bursts Mas Y Menos)

Mas Y Menos: Senor, Grayson! Senor, Grayson! El Presidente es ce Mourte!

Grayson: Huh?

Mas Y Menos: El President es ce Mourte!

Grayson: Can someone please translate!

GR: Pantha! Need Translation please!

Pantha: They said the President is dead.

Grayson: Oh, how?

Pantha: Just turn on the TV.

(Grayson turns on the TV)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the president is dead. He was killed while riding in his car and was shot. I should be crying but the botox injections have tapped out my tear ducts so I can't show emotion. The man who shot the president has been identified as Oswald Lee Harvey, also known as Speedy in the script.

(Speedy being led down hall of reporter)

OLH Speedy: I was framed I tell ya!

Reporter: By who?

OLH Speedy: I don't know, I just didn't do it.

Killer Moth: Oswald!

OLH Speedy: Huh?

Killer Moth: I got you pie.

OLH Speedy: Oh, thanks.

Killer Moth: And I got you this! (Pulls out singing telegram) Thank you, thank you, for killing the president, cause now I can plan to carry out your death. Signed from me! DIE MOTHER F#KER! (Pulls our gun and shoots Oswald)

Grayson: Damn that ain't right! I am Immediately suspicious of someone trying to kill Oswald considering he just killed the president.

Pantha: Does this mean that all our vacation plans for Mardi Gras are cancelled?

Grayson: Yes.

Mas Y Menos: Oie caramba.

(Big Meeting table)

Grayson: Okay everyone, I've called you all to this big meeting table in my office to discuss how we are going to go about invesitigating the murder of the president.

Cyborg: Uh, isn't the case closed because the guy who did it is dead?

Grayson: No, its too easy. Too convinent. Too simple. There has to be something bigger a foot.

Raven: Sometimes the easiest answers are the right answers.

Grayson: What the hell does that mean?

Raven: It means you're trying to find a way to comfort yourself by proving that the president couldn't be killed by one person.

Grayson: You mean a conspiracy! Thats it! Good work Raven, even though Garrison had no woman on his team and you're just here to make things acceptable for 1990's audiences, you're still helpful.

Raven: (Raven looks to BB) Did I just make things worse?

BB: Uh, I think ya did.

(Couple hours later)

Grayson: Me and Cyborg checked out that lead about Gizmo knowing Oswald Speedy. Turns out he was in league with a private investigator who had extreme anti-communist opnions. His partner told us that they were planning a second bay of pigs called Operation: Mongoose.

BB: How did the partner of the investigator know the secret codename?

Grayson: I don't know, he stumbled upon it and he and the investigator had a fight in the office when he found out about it. Or they had a disagreement on phone bills, don't remember. Anyway this proves that Oswald handing out communist flyers was a front.

BB: Can anyone prove that Oswald was connected to these guys?

Grayson: Well the investigator's partner but he refuses to testify.

Raven: Thats convenient.

Grayson: I know, a little too conveinent. I did find a couple of people who could collaborate it though.

Cyborg: Unfortunately none of them are credible.

Grayson: Also there was something about Oswald I found out, he was in Russia a few years ago and at the same time a spy plane was shot down. I think Oswald sold information to the Russians to disrupt the peace talks between America and Russia.

Cyborg: Wait a sec, isn't that a contradiction?

BB: Yeah, if he sold stuff to the Russians but joined up with a bunch anti-commies, isn't that a little confusing?

Grayson: He did it because the government told him to.

Raven: Can you prove that?

Grayson: No, but it adds to the film's dramatic sequencing. Anyone wanna quit? (Everyone raises hands) Oh shut up.

(Later at Dealey Plaza, BB and Grayson in the Book Depository)

Grayson: So BB see anything wierd?

BB: No.

Grayson: Look here why didn't Oswald shoot JFK when he was coming up the road here.

BB: Maybe he was worried about being shot at by the Secret Police?

Grayson: No it makes no sense. Look down at the street where Kennedy got shot at. It's near that GRASSY KNOLL.

BB: Dude what was that?

Grayson: What?

BB: There was this big booming sound and then a big super dramatic music score when you said GRASSY KNOLL. (Surprised) See it did it again!

Grayson: Don't be silly. Anyway, it's stupid to shoot a target when it runs away from you.

BB: Actually it's pretty easy when it's back is turned.

Grayson: Even when it's moving at this angle?

BB: Dude I do it all the time in my shooter video games in the sniper missions. It's definetly easy to kill someone with a rifle when their back is turned.

Grayson: No, the reason Kennedy was shot on this street by that GRASSY KNOLL was because it was the perfect ambush position.

BB: Dude it happened again!

Grayson: What?

BB: When you said that word!

Grayson: What word?

BB: GRASSY KNOLL! Dude it happened again!

Grayson: Focus on the ambush point for now Beastboy. Look at all the foliage in the way its impossible to hit a target between here and the 88 yards below.

BB: Actually I can see the place where Kennedy was shot pretty clear.

Grayson: Oh come on! Think about the bushes! They're closer!

BB: Wouldn't it be easier to just have one shooter up here away from the crowd instead of a lot near it? I mean it increases the chance of the discovery.

Grayson: That's why they are so clever!

BB: Who are they?

Grayson: Let's look at that weapon Oswald used.

BB: The rifle?

Grayson: Yeah, it needs to be cocked every time its fired. How could Oswald have gotten all those shots off in five seconds?

BB: Didn't he have marine training?

Grayson: Well yeah but its hard even for them.

(BB times himself as he fires and cocks the weapon, Hold up watch)

BB: Hey, 3.5 seconds! Maybe I should go into the marines!

Grayson: (Looks at him angirly) Can we just go over the eyewitness testimony.

BB: Well there was that one guy who talked about the hobos.

Grayson: Of course the hobos! They must of been the shooters of the GRASSY KNOLL in disguise!

BB: I'm getting sick of that effect.

Grayson: Do you have a picture of the hobos on the day?

BB: Yeah, right here. (Hands him picture)

Grayson: Look at those clothes, they look like bussiness men not tramps.

BB: Actually they look kinda like they've been sleeping on metal cans. They look funny.

Grayson: They look sinister.

BB: No they look funny.

Grayson: STOP QUESTIONING ME!

BB: Geez, I'm just trying to help.

Grayson: Just tell me how many people heard shots in the bushes of the GRASSY KNOLL.

BB: I'm going to ignore that this time. Anyway I kinda got contradictory evidence, seems like not many could make up there minds.

Grayson: Well just get the ones who said they heard shots in the bushes to testify and leave out the other ones.

BB: Isn't that fixing the evidence?

Grayson: No.

BB: Why isn't it?

Grayson: Because.

BB: Because why?

Grayson: Because I said so.

BB: But...

Grayson: JUST DO IT!

(Back at meeting room)

Grayson: So how did it go with finding out more about how Oswald was treated after he was arrested?

Raven: Well I found a record of the interrogation.

Grayson: Throw it out, that's not helpful.

Raven: Why isn't it helpful?

Grayson: Because interrogating someone looks like the cops hadn't decided he was guilty yet. Plus they're from the Warren Commission. Can't be trusted.

Raven: I spent 10 hours of my time getting them for you.

Grayson: Good, I need everyone to spend all their free time on this. How about you Cyborg?

Cyborg: Well they didn't do a test on the rifle to see if it had been fired...

Grayson: HA! They didn't even prove their weapon was the actual tool in the murder! They must not have wanted to get evidence that the rifle wasn't even fired. Meaning Oswald was innocent!

Cyborg: Actually, they didn't do the test because the test doesn't exist yet.

Grayson: Oh, darn.

BB: There was a witness who couldn't identify Oswald as the shooter.

Grayson: A HA! See they couldn't even get the guy who saw the shooter to identify Oswald!

BB: But he just couldn't figure out at first who it was from the lineup because he didn't see him well enough. Later he picked Oswald.

Grayson: Come on people work with me here! Are you even trying! I'm working all day and night to find out this conspiracy and all you do is find evidence that doesn't support it! Stop making everything sound so simple! Get complicated and messy and over elaborate! Control Feak how did finding those bugs go?

CF: For the last time you're paranoid! There are no bugs! I looked from top to bottom even in the ladies room. Will you please take off that tin foil hat now?

Grayson: No! You didn't look hard enough! None of you did!

BB: We are trying dude! But you keep shouting down any contradicting evidence.

Cyborg: Yeah man, can't you just let it go?

Grayson: You're all idiots! Think like the spooks! We're through the looking glass here people! Black is white and white is black. Dogs chase mice and Cats chase dogs. Bunnies wear waistcoats and mushrooms...

GR: No Wonderland References until we get to the Matrix pal.

Grayson: Fine. I'm going home. When we resume tommorow and I demand that you all wear tin foil hats. (Walks out)

Cyborg: He's lost it.

Raven: Just roll with it. At least we're getting paid. (Looks at BB writng furiously) Beastboy what are doing?

BB: Coming up with good titles for my speech. Which one is better, 'Tofu: Food of the Gods' or 'You can have Meat without the Murder'?

Raven: Perhaps you should pick a different topic all together.

BB: Why?

CF: Because Tofu is boring!

BB: At least I won't grow up fat, blubber boy!

CF: Shut up!

(Grayson residence)

Starfire: Friend Grayson, you never come to join us at the feast known as dinner. Why is it that you stay in your room?

Grayson: Work, busy, can't eat.

Starfire: You're always busy, you never have time for your friends. You never have time for me.

Grayson: Relax, this entire sub-plot never happened, its just something Ollie Stone put in so he could make the protagonist somehow more identifiable to the average joe.

Starfire: Oh, alright then (leaves)

(Phone rings)

Grayson: Hello?

Gizmo: You crud snuffer moron! You named me as a suspect! You realize what you did?

Grayson: You feel that the conspiracy will hunt you down because you're liability?

Gizmo: No! You ruined my good name! You're gonna get it now! Me and my lawyer are coming over to reach a settlement or we'll sue you.

Grayson: So you're not going to give us a huge dramatic monologue in the form of a confession and then die at the hands of conspirators the next day?

Gizmo: No! And even if I did die, the real Garrison never questioned Ferrie died of a drug overdose and Ferrie also never confessed! Stone added that to prove his thesis for the original cruddy movie! See you tommorow ass wipe! (Hangs up)

Grayson: Wow, so much for that scene. Say Rage do we still get to do that whole revelation that both Kennedy murders are connected?

GR: No, Garrison never connected the two, in fact JFK's brother was trying to halt the investigation. Stone added that in for more idiotic conspiracy junk.

Grayson: You do realise you've just killed two real great scenes from the movie.

GR: Great perhaps. But Great doesn't transfer to truth.

(Aqualad Residence)

Grayson: Hello Aqualad, I'm doing an investigation on the Kennedy assasination. I'd like to ask you some questions. First one, are you gay?

Aqualad: What does that have to do with anything?

Grayson: Just answer the question are you gay?

Raven: You really shouldn't try and pry into people's private lives.

Grayson: I'm trying to get actual results here Raven. Try and learn something.

(Raven goes into four eyes mode and stomps off)

Aqualad: Listen I don't have to answer that question if I don't want to.

Grayson: Are you gay and do you have connections to an anti-communist group that employed Lee Harvey Oswald/Speedy and were you two lovers?

Aqualad: Alright that does it. Get off my property now or I'll sick the dogs on you.

Grayson: Are your dogs gay?

Aqualad: GO AWAY!

(Later in DC)

Grayson: I've almost connected all the dots, I just need someone to give me a motive.

(Question appears)

Mr. Q: I can do that. I'm Mr. Q, and I can tell you this. You're close. You're closer than you think. However you must realise that the character I'm based off from the original film doesn't really exist and this entire scene never happened. In fact Mr. X was based off a real conspiracy theorist who never met Garrison before the trial he put on and most of his conspiracies are crap. Anyway Grayson, the head runners of this conspiracy are obvious. Do you know anything about black ops?

Grayson: Aren't they like special forces?

Mr. Q: Yes and the assasination of the President is exactly the type of work the CIA trainned them for. You see the heads of the conpiracy were the Pentagon, the CIA and top White House officials. LBJ was one of those officials. Why kill the president? To start a war with Vietnam. JFK was trying to pull out all the troops. I mean his first pull out of troops was rather small and insignificant in terms of how many people there were and it in no way proves that's he was trying to pull out of Nam completely, but still.

Grayson: I instantly believe everything coming out of your mouth even though you have no evidence and this encounter never happened. But how do I bring the conspirators to justice?

Mr. Q: Just arrest the gay guy and everything will fall into place.

(Later at the courthouse)

(Grayson and his team on one side, Aqualad and his lawyer Hotspot on the other)

Grayson: Ladies and gentlemen, the defendant is gay. This alone is enough to convict him.

Aqualad: HEY!

Grayson: But he was involved in huge conspiracy to kill JFK. It involved the Pentagon, the CIA, White House Officials, anti-Castro Cubans, all three armed services, big bussiness even the Dallas Constabulary! And I will prove it.

Hotspot: Objection! Your honor, this entire trial is a joke! The DA is only prosecuting my client because he is gay, that and he is a paranoid nutcase.

Aqualad: I'm not gay!

Judge Blood: Objection over-ruled I wanna see where this goes.

Hotspot: But your honor he's practically blaming everyone killed JFK! This might as well be a trial about who didn't kill JFK.

Judge Blood: I just wanna see where it goes alright.

(Grayson puts on Zapruder film)

Grayson: This grainy and blured film clearly shows the president's head going back and to the left, (Rewinds clip over and over) back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the...

Judge Blood: We get it already! Stop showing us the clip geez.

Grayson: Also, many people believe that Oswald shot a police officer after shooting the president. But no one can confirm that. Also Oswald was caught by dozens of police officers in a theater simply because he didn't pay a ticket.

Police man: Actually we had evidence he was the one who killed the officer. Thats why we had so many officers there.

Grayson: Hey don't interupt me. There were people who saw scary looking carptners working up in the book depository. While hitman dressed as hobos were setting up in the GRASSY KNOLL.

BB: I told you, they weren't hitmen! Their identies aren't even a mystery anymore! They were all slum bucket slack jawed rail raiders!

Raven: And no body said anything about the carpenters being suspicious and scary. They were normal depository employees and they weren't even on the floor where the shots rang out.

Grayson: Well Oswald would have been spotted fleeing the scene by two girls going down the stairs.

CF: Nobody saw him because the girls had already left when Oswald was beginning his desent.

Grayson: Guys stop you're ruining my trial. There was also a man who had an epileptic siezure in Dealey Plaza but he never checked in at the hospital and vanished! He was actually a distraction!

Raven: His name was Jerry Belkap and he left when he felt better.

Grayson: Shut up! Anyway, lets look at the film in full. First shot rings out here and Kennedy looks around to see what's going on, second shot hits the pavement, third shot hits the president in the neck, fourth shot comes from the GRASSY KNOLL and hits the governor's hand, fifth shot hits the president's shoulder, the umbrella man down here signals to the men up in the book depository by third shot that he's not dead shoot again.

Umbrella Man: Hey buddy, I was that guy! Don't try and incriminate me in this. Besides how could some one see me from all the way up there! Wouldn't a sniper have a better idea if some one was alive?

Grayson: I'm trying to finish up here. Any way the next two shots come from the GRASSY KNOLL. One hits the car and the other hits the president's head causing it to go back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the...

(Penn and Teller burst in)

Penn: Wait a second there buddy we have a little science experiment that will show you that a gun shooting from behind can make a person's head fall backwards. Teller set up this Honeydew. The one inch wide tape around the melon is the skull for our melon. Noble prize winning Psyhicist Louise W. Alvarezz, who was first to present this experiment, explains that a bullet penetrating a skull doesn't transfer much of it's energy to the skull. It's a tiny hole slides right in. The Brain doesn't present much resistance and when the bullet pops out the other side it pulls a lot of brain, or in this case melon goo, with it. The goo and bullet create a little jet blast that forces the head in the opposite direction.

(Teller shoots set up melon from behind and it falls backward off the pedastal)

Penn: Second gunman my aching ass!

Grayson: Oh yeah, well what about the single bullet causing all that damage. Or should I say magic bullet? You're little psyhics can't explain that. No way it can be done.

Cyborg: You obviously don't understand pyshics.

Grayson: Hey aren't you on my side?

Cyborg: Not anymore. Listen Connally wasn't seated seated directly in front of Kennedy, he was seated to his left-front! so the path was a lot straigther than you want to admit.

Grayson: I have witnesses who saw smoke in the bushes!

GR: Actually Ollie Stone added that with a smoke blower because no gun can smoke that much. At least no modern gun.

Grayson: But, but, but, uh, uh, GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL! And the defendant is gay.

Aqualad: SHUT UP!

Judge Blood: Well considering all the dramatic GRASSY KNOLLS and the fact that the guy is gay, I'm afraid I have to...

BB: STOP! I can't take this anymore!

Grayson: Huh?

BB: Listen to me everyone! This entire conspiracy trial is a joke! And not the funny kinda joke.

Raven: Beastboy what are you doing?

GR: This isn't in the script.

Eric Cartman: Damnit he's doing a gay little speech like Kyle does.

BB: People look, no one wants to think that in the flash of an eye some lone maniac with a gun can just pop up out of no where and kill one of the most powerful people on earth. No one wants to think that bad things can just happen. They always asume there's a system, a plan, a understanding, underlying thesis that we can use to make sense of the world. People want meaning and something they can use to make sense of their lives and the world. But we shouldn't go and make stuff up. What happened to JFK was horrible and a tragedy but we can't keep trying to put the blame on someone big and powerful just because we never got Oswald to trial.

Camera man: Should I shut it down sir?

GR: Wait a sec.

BB: Why are we doing this? Is it because we just can't learn to trust the first explanation? It's good to be skeptical. Heck, Raven is the most skeptical person I know and she has a cool head and she's very smart. But she doesn't go around screaming conspiracies at the top of her lungs. It's good to be skeptical of the government but we just can't asume that everything they say is lie! If we do stuff like that well we just turn into scared little paranoid tin foil wearing freaks who worry about every step they take and don't really do anything with their lives.

Camera Man: Sir should I shut the camera off?

GR: No let him finish.

BB: The reason we come up with these conspiracy theories though isn't because we want to expose someone, what we really want is to get a better explanation and a way cooler one. People want to believe in conspiracies! What makes a better story, lone nut kills the prez or evil conspiracy kills the prez? The latter sounds cooler, but cooler doesn't mean its true. Think about all these people who DA Grayson said were involved with the conspiracy, if the conspiracy really is so big and powerful than how come almost everyone is talking about it? How come not one of those people has made a slip of the tongue yet? Everyone feels that a great plot has to be the demise of a great man. We want to believe Kennedy died because he was becoming a problem for powerful people so we feel he died for a cause instead of the actions of a lone crazy nutbar. Its easy to believe in stuff like this because if one guy alone can kill a man like Kennedy than what hope does America possibly have? Finally if we all stopped making this kinda stuff up I think we'd all trust each other a lot more than we do now. So please Mr. Judge sir, don't find the this guy guilty just because some paranoid DA is trying to scare you into thinking there's a plot to kill anyone who disobeys the government, because that's exactly what a real conspiracy tries to do. Spread fear. Like those terrorists and fascist governments from the 30's. We can't give into fear, especially not when it's based on paranoia.

(Raven starts clapping and soon everyone in the court room joins in.)

GR: The Judge was suppose to find him innocent anyway, but I guess this works too.

Raven: Great speech Beastboy.

Cyborg: I have to admit. You actually made sense for once.

BB: I just came up with it on the fly.

Raven: Told you another topic would be better.

CF: Did anyone see where Robin went?

Cyborg: Script says he's suppose stay and walk out with his children. Even though the real Garrison was in his office when the verdict was read. Than he went crazy and stuff.

Starfire: Friend Robin said something about finding the files of murder.

GR: He means those JFK investigation files that have been open to the public for years now. Nobody ever looks at them though.

BB: Say where did you get all this information from anyway.

GR: The Kennedy Assasination Homepage. Very good site for people who watched Ollie Stone's original crap fest and believe every word it said.

Starfire: Perhaps we should prepare for the next parody.

GR: Sure alien girl, next one is going to be less informative and more action packed.

Cyborg: It's a 1980's cold war paranoia film is it?

GR: Well yeah, but if you ignore the politics its a good film.

Cyborg: You're just gonna make fun of Patrick Swayze huh?

GR: Yes, is there problem?

Cyborg: No, no, just as long as I get to shoot my sonic cannon I'm fine.