I'm violently thrown out of those memories, bouncing and skidding across the floor until I roll to a complete stop. I'm drenched in sweat and my heart is going a mile a minute, threatening to burst out of my chest. I quickly pat my neck and my chest to see if I have any injuries. I sigh in relief when I see that my body didn't have any injuries on it. Though they might have been Meng Yao's memories of the past, I could still feel the phantom sensation of an abnormally strong hand wrapped around my neck and a sword sticking out of my chest. I get up and brush myself off, still shaking from shock and fear. I realize that I'm in that place with the meadow and the gazebo again.

I see Meng Yao slumped over on the stone table, face buried into his arm and body shaking with muffled sobs and hiccups. I'd heard him crying before when he had seen Jin Ling again, but back then, he was trying to keep his composure (even if he had wound up failing at it anyways). Hearing someone crying and seeing them do so were two completely different experiences that still ate away at you. His sobs were so heartbreaking and upsetting that it made me want to cry with him in sympathy. Was this really the same man I had heard and seen becoming a stark raving lunatic ranting about his high body count? The same person who I had witnessed spit out curses in the face of impending death? I didn't know what to think, and I felt so conflicted at this moment.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" I heard him whimper out in between sobs.

Sitting in front of me was someone I knew was a murderer and a liar who had even dragged his poor wife and kid into his tally of people who had died by his hands. But at the same time, it was a heartbroken person who had just seen their ex again after goodness knows how long, and didn't know how to process such complicated feelings they had towards them. It was frightening seeing him look so fragile and vulnerable at this moment. Which was the real Meng Yao? And which was the fake? I was scared and terrified of him for sure, but I wanted to rush over there and make sure he was alright. It was my instinct as a human after all.

"M-Meng Yao?" I asked timidly. "A-are you…should I?"

I wasn't sure what to ask at that moment. Of course he was going to say that he wasn't alright if I asked him. And what was I supposed to do for a heart broken murderer? My protective instincts as a human still won out in the end as sometimes, even murderers needed someone to talk to. I approached him slowly and attempted to place my hand on his shoulder. I was met however with a shock as my hand was instead slapped away by him.

"Leave," he told me, his voice hoarse, flat, and curt.

I saw him lifting his head off from the table and my heart sank. He usually carried himself with such grace and elegance for a ghost missing an arm. Here, it's like he became a totally different person. His eyes were red, swollen and puffy from crying so much. His cheeks were red and splotchy, and his nose was beginning to run. He materialized a handkerchief from out of thin air and dabbed at his eyes before blowing his nose.

"You've already seen enough for one day, "He told me with an icy glare, "you don't need to see anymore."

"B-But, Meng Y-"

"I said LEAVE!" he yelled at me.

I flinched at his tone. It reminded me too much of those times I've angered my parents for just doing normal things kids should have been doing. I could feel tears stinging at my eyes as I bit down on my lower lip to keep from making a sound. Meng Yao's expression seemed to change to one of remorse and panic when he saw my reaction, but the damage had already been done. Though he has no doubt seen me cry many times, I refused to let him see me do so this time. I turned around and exited out the door towards the real world. My heart was left in confusion and turmoil and I was left with more questions now instead of answers about the very person I was sharing a consciousness with.

My eyes were swollen and stinging when I opened them. There were the remnants of dried tears caked to the corners of my eyes and a familiar gross, sour taste in my mouth. My lips are dry and my throat feels like sandpaper. There was someone dabbing my face with a moist rag, someone I didn't recognize. Instead of the forest floor, there was the sensation of crisp linens at my fingertips and a thin blanket covering my body. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Where was this place?

"Oh, you're awake?" the person asked.

It was a teenager who looked no older than 16, someone that looked way too young to be looking after the sick and injured. Was she an apprentice working here? She folded up the rag before placing it into a basin filled with water beside me.

"Are you feeling okay now? You gave a lot of us quite the scare."

I nodded numbly at her. My head was starting to hurt from what I went through. It was just supposed to be a normal field trip into the woods. How had it turned into a horrifying and heartbreaking revelation about the ghost I was now sharing a consciousness with? I didn't even know that Xichen person in his memories, but my heart still nonetheless ached when I thought about him.

"Where is she?" a voice asked tinged with panic and worry. "Where's our disciple?"

"Senior Wei! Please calm down!" exclaimed a female voice. "If you'd just-"

There was a rush of footsteps coming from the other side of the room. Moments later, both Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are beside me, both with panicked expressions on their faces. The apprentice healer helps me sit up in bed, hands supporting me in case I fainted again. The room spun around for a few moments before it refocused into one spot. I was in an unfamiliar room lined with two rows of beds facing each other. Some of them were filled with sick or injured disciples back from either training or night hunts. The smell of medicinal herbs and incense hung heavily in the air like a thick fog. It makes me want to throw up again due to how overpowering it was. I didn't know how long I had been out for, but instead of feeling well rested, I felt more fatigued and exhausted. I feel Wei Wuxian pressing his hand to my forehead and touching my cheeks with the back of them before pulling it back like he'd been burnt.

"You're burning up!" he exclaimed, his brows furrowed in concern. "But you were fine this morning! What happened to you?"

"Who brought her in?" asked Lan Wangji, addressing the healer.

"I don't know the details myself, but Zewu-jun came in here earlier with a senior disciple and Qiao-Laoshi," She said as she began to check my blood pressure. "She had thrown up pretty badly, was burning up with a fever, and had passed out on his property from what I'd heard."

Both of them widened their eyes at me in shock. Had I done something wrong? Well, aside from wandering onto private property, getting sick and then passing out in front of the owner of said property. I must have given that poor man a heart attack.

"She did WHAT?" asked Wei Wuxian incredulously, his voice going up a few octaves.

"Xiao-Hua, what were you doing that far out?" asked Lan Wangji in a serious tone. "Didn't you promise us that you'd listen to your teacher and stay with your classmates?"

So this was what it was like to get in trouble with people that were genuinely concerned with you? I was both scared and guilt ridden for what had happened. And it was all over a stupid piece of cloth. My mouth felt like it was filled with cotton as I took a shaky breath and readied myself for an explanation.

"M-my forehead ribbon flew away from me when I tried to fix it. I tried to grab it, but it got stolen by a s-squirrel."

They both looked very confused. I wasn't sure if they would believe me, but nonetheless, I continued.

"I chased it into the forest and when I got it back, I was at a man's house. Then, I didn't feel well and ran. I threw up in the bushes and fainted after that."

I sniffled and wiped the back of my hand against my still stinging and swollen eyes. I've caused people nothing but trouble since arriving in this world. How many times have I scared people now with my antics? To make them fuss and worry about my wellbeing? And would they, like my parents, abandon me once they deemed me not worthy enough for their time and effort?

"I-I'm sorry, Wei-shifu and Hanguang-jun…" I whimpered, trying to keep from myself crying again.

Despite how sick I was, they both pulled me into a hug. I felt my heart swelling with such emotion that I fear that it might burst at the seams. What were they doing? Why would they still hug me after all that's happened? Why weren't they guilt tripping and screaming at me? I've grown up believing my self-worth was nothing more than to stand there and look pretty while making the adults look good. To experience genuine love and concern like this was terrifying.

"Although you're still in trouble for disobeying us like that, we're glad you're not seriously injured," Says Lan Wangji.

"We can always get you another forehead ribbon if you lose yours," says Wei Wuxian as he squeezes me tighter. "But there's only one Lan Lihua in the world, and we'd both be very sad if anything happened to you."

I nuzzled my face against their clothes; the combined smells of flowers, spices, and sandalwood were enough to make me feel safe and warm in their arms. In fact, it was strong enough to overpower the smell of the medicinal herbs and incense in the air. They really were too good to me. I felt myself becoming drowsy again and my eyelids becoming heavy with fatigue. Before long, I felt a pair of arms lowering me back down onto the bed and pulling my blanket up to my chin again. Yes, I was in a lot of trouble for scaring a bunch of adults and wandering onto private property by myself, and yes, I was currently sick with a fever, but at least I had people that actually were worried about me.

I was left bedridden and confined to the healing pavilion after that day. For as angry as my teacher and the senior disciples were with me, even they didn't have the heart to go and yell at a sick and bedridden child. But I knew I was going to get chewed out by them later once I recovered enough. Of course, I had my own hut to recuperate in just to make sure I didn't infect anyone else with what I was sick with. Though, did the people of this world have weaker immune systems here than back in my world? Who knows? The healers thought it had been the stress of living in a new environment and my sudden new workload that had caused me to have a relapse or uncover an underlying condition. Or perhaps it was the food that had been packed for that trip that had caused me to get so violently ill.

But I knew better. It wasn't just a virus or an underlying condition, but rather the ghost of a murderer who was now in the midst of a depressive funk. He did say that he was bound to me, but that came at the cost of me experiencing the backlash of emotions he released whenever he was feeling particularly depressed or upset about something. And that something came in the form of ghosts from his past. I was only an outsider to all of this, someone who didn't have a whole lot of information to go on about what had happened in the past. All I did know was that I was sharing this body with someone very dangerous and who wouldn't hesitate to throw me under the bus if I wasn't useful to him anymore.

"Lihua, you have to eat something so that you can take your medicine," sighs Wei Wuxian as he holds a spoon filled with congee up.

He blows on it lightly so that I don't accidentally burn my tongue and the roof of my mouth on it. Despite this being a bowl of congee being made by the skilled and talented hands of one Lan Wangji, the smell and sight still made my stomach churn in protest. Despite having gotten used to eating Mandarin style congee, I still disliked how bland the base was despite the many toppings I piled onto it. It always reminded me of those sad and lonely days back in my old life where I was battling for my life and this was one of the few things I could keep down despite burning the bottom of a few pots in the process, though that could also be chocked up to me not having many opportunities to cook very often and not being very skilled in the kitchen. Very often, it'd taste awful, watery and burnt as a result.

Normally in Cloud Recesses whenever there was a sick disciple, they'd be eating a concoction that was mostly made with medicinal herbs and chock filled with vegetables since they had a mostly vegetarian diet. Though there would be disciples that would sometimes sneak off to Caiyi Town to indulge in meat once in a while. Because Lan Wangji was the son of the previous sect leader as well as the nephew of a clan elder, he got special permission to not only have a kitchenette in the Jingshi to cook in, but to also consume meat since Wei Wuxian wasn't particularly fond of the cuisine here. In fact, it was him that convinced the healers to let him cook something for me because he claimed that I needed the additional protein to get better. Even so, my own personal biases and experiences with it didn't leave me with any good impressions of it.

I open my mouth and reluctantly let Wei Wuxian spoon feed me, despite being a sickly grown woman that could feed herself. But if it made him happy, then who was I to deny him that right? I was surprised by how it tasted, half expecting it to be horrible enough to make me want to vomit. Instead, the gentle taste of ginger, chopped meats, century eggs, scallions and sesame oil make me perk up and make me crave more. The texture wasn't too bad either, being a bit more on the thicker side to keep me from spitting it out in response, a big difference from the thin and watery stuff I've gotten used to eating. It was a simple but filling meal that was still filled with warmth and love from the person that made it. It brought back memories of my grandma caring for me whenever I got sick as a child. By the time I was feeling full, I'd somehow managed to polish off the entire bowl in one sitting.

By now, both of them have figured out my aversion to bitter medicine. This is why I was surprised by how subtly sweet it was when I drank it. It still had a weird aftertaste to it, but it was certainly more tolerable this time around. After a round of checkups from the healers, both of them were kicked out of my hut so that I could rest. I didn't want to go take a nap just yet, but my body said otherwise. With my stomach filled with food and medicine, I felt myself get sleepy again and fell into a sick, fever induced slumber. I had a murderer to confront, and I needed all the fuel in the Cloud Recesses to do so.

I find myself standing in front of the door to the meadow. No matter how many times I tried to jimmy it open, it wasn't going to budge. I could hear thunder and rain rumbling behind it, something I'd never thought I'd hear. I wasn't sure what to think or do if I saw Meng Yao again. Or rather, how was I going to approach the topic of him being a mass murderer? I couldn't skirt around the issue for any longer. And I didn't want to be bedridden for very long. I took a deep breath, steeled myself and knocked on the door.

"Meng Yao?" I asked, "Are you there?"

"Go away!" came the muffled and hoarse voice of Meng Yao from behind it.

He sounded so resigned and exhausted that I didn't know what to think.

"Meng Yao…please open the door. I…I want to talk to you."

"What is there to talk about? You've already seen something you shouldn't have seen. I know you're disgusted with me."

"Meng Yao…no, A-Yao, this concerns me as much as it does you. I know I shouldn't be prying into other people's personal problems, but I can't just ignore something like this and carry on like nothing has happened. Didn't you promise me that you were going to be upfront and honest with me with your problems? I…I just want to hear it from you, no beating around the bush and no secrets."

There was another long silence from him. What could I do? I didn't personally know him and I didn't see him committing these atrocities with my own eyes. I was just a third party that didn't know a thing about him. What was I to do? I didn't even think I'd earned the right to use the "A-" suffix in front of his name.

"If you're not in the mood to talk about it, I understand. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do. I've already spent a lifetime being subjected to having to do that and wouldn't force it upon others. I'll leave you alone then until you're ready to say something."

Just when I'm about to leave, I hear the sound of the click of a doorknob turning and the hinges groaning as it swings open.

"Will you really sit down and hear me out? The moment you step through this door, there's no turning back. Are you prepared for the consequences?"