Chapter 4: The Anti-Communist Resistance Club
Today's Parody pokes fun at RED DAWN, a cold war paranoia film about commies invading american soil. We'd like to make this note, GR likes the movie but only because it doesn't get too stepped in politics. However, because it's basically a very campy propaganda film from the Regan Era and the characters are prime for making fun of, let's just try and have fun for once okay? Also we'll stick in some 'Breakfast Club' references because we can.
Robin as the superficial self-appointed leader
Raven as one of the girls
Starfire as the other girl
Beastboy as The comic relief sidekick
Cyborg as the black kid who will die first
The Brain as the evil communist general
Slade as the evil Communist Colonel who likes to commit genocide and mass murder
Henchmen from both evil masterminds as well commie paratroopers duh!
"I DIE!" Cyborg shouted in a enraged voice
"It's called war my Friend." Rage explained
"This isn't fair," Cyborg further protested "the black guy always dies!"
"Oh relax," General Rage further tried to explain "this is gonna be fun trust me. You'll get to blow entire columns of APCs with a sonic blast! Doesn't it sound cool?"
"Fine," Cyborg said crossing his arms "but I better not die."
"I don't feel comfortable with getting the lead role again." Robin said looking at General Rage "That's always the one that gets made fun of the most."
"We're not making fun of individuals this time," Rage told him "we're making crack against 1980's communist paranoia...and Reganomics!"
"I totally missed out on that period," Beastboy said with glee "it was perfect for my kind of humour."
"I highly doubt any period in history was perfect for your type of humour." Raven argued
Rage now began to lay out the plan for the film
"Now there are gonna be other freedom fighters joining you when we get the film started." General Rage began "However most of the talking will done between you guys anyway, they're just cannon fodder like that kid with the glasses was in the original film. Don't get too attached. Now you all get your choice of weapons. Do you want an AK-47 or M16? Choose wisely because I don't have enough money to switch it if you change your minds."
"Just give me a machine gun and I'll be fine." Beastboy told him
"You'll have to kill a henchman for one." Rage replied "I gave them all the last ones."
"Aw man." Beastboy whinned "Why don't we have the cool weapons?"
"You're the overpowered and outmatched resistance fighters," Rage answered "it works this way!"
(Opening on Middle-American school classroom)
Narrator: Five kids, all different, they didn't really know each other but by the end of the year their lives would be changed forever. Mostly because all their friends and family members died! Anyway...
(Bro. Blood giving lecture)
Bro Blood: Can anyone tell me why we learn math? (Students look at him slackjawed and bored) I don't know either. Beside this is history class. So Genghis Khan was this crazy barbarian who invaded other nations to sack and pillage andn gorge him and his army. This is dramatic foreshadowing for what will happen in the next two seconds. Oh look out the window class paratroopers are landing on the football field. I'm going to walk up to them and ask what's going on, stay in your seats and read chapters 2 to 147 by the time I return. (Leaves classroom)
Cyborg: Let's go look at the window.
(Everyone rushes to the window, Bro. Blood approaches paratrooper)
Bro. Blood: Excuse me my good man totting the dangerous fire arm, what are doing here?
Paratrooper: AH! Oh my god! Look out! An unarmed civilian! (Fires weapon and kills Bro. Blood, kids look on from windows)
Students: YAAHHH!
Robin: We should welcome our liberators with open arms! (Paratroopers start firing on the windows and students duck) Unless they do that. Everyone run to my truck!
(The Titans all escape in a truck to a Drug Store at the outskirts of town)
Robin: Okay we're going to have to escape into the woods if we wish to survive this whole big war. Quick everyone grab those guns in the drug store.
BB: Wait a second! Why are there guns in a drug store?
Robin: It's Middle-America.
BB: I'll settle for that answer.
(Cyborg comes on screen)
Cyborg: Hey the farmers over there have just aske dus to help their Grand Daughters escape into the mountains with us.
Robin: Are they hot?
Cyborg: Yeah, I guess.
Robin: Then bring'em along, the more the merrier!
(Raven and Starfire come on screen)
Starfire: Friends it is most joyful to see you all undamaged.
Raven: Yeah whatever.
Cyborg: So why did we get our asses kicked by those soldiers back there? How'd they even invade us? I thought Reaganomics was suppose to increase our national security?
BB: It does, but only if you live in space with the imaginary laser cannons.
(Raven Smirks)
Raven: An actual funny joke, thought I'd never see the day. Still, you only made one.
BB: One laugh is all I need to get the ball rolling baby.
Raven: (Angrily) Can we go to the woods now?
Robin: Okay, hey look a helicopter! (Helicopter blows up soviet tank nearby) Awesome! We need one of those!
BB: Dude, you know how to fly it?
Robin: I was hoping Cyborg did?
Cyborg: Of course I don't know how to fly a chopper.
Robin: Well this sucks! This is the most sucky day ever.
(A month later in the mountains...)
Robin: Sweet, more dead deer.
BB: I think I need to puke (Goes off to bush)
Cyborg: Say how come we haven't run outta bullets yet?
Robin: I don't know, maybe we're just good shots with guns.
Cyborg: But we've been here fo a month, how much ammo did you take?
Robin: 30 cases.
Cyborg: How the heck did you get all that up here?
Robin: Well it wasn't the first time we got it. I went down the mountain and found it just lying beside the road next to a burned out truck. Didn't know where it came from.
Cyborg: It obviously fell off the burned out truck.
Robin: That a good theory. Question is there even a burned out truck on the side of the road in the first place?
Cyborg: Because there's a war going on.
Robin: Oh right. Well lets head on down to town.
(BB emerges from bush)
BB: Dude! It's occupied by crazy Russian nut jobs!
Cyborg: BB's right. We could get killed.
Robin: No we won't relax. Besides I want to make sure my mail boc isn't packed with letter and crap.
BB: You're risking all our lives for a mail box?
Robin: That and I need to find some really cool new shoes. These ones are all muddy.
Cyborg: We're dead.
(Down in town)
Robin: Wow look at all the red!
BB: That's because its occupied by Commies!
Cyborg: Can we go now?
Robin: Just let me try on some shoes. Ah finally, the line picked up.
Commie: Hello comrade, we have two kinds of standard issue shoe handouts for you. These are the military issued paratrooper boots and these are the common worker boots.
Robin: Cool, I'll take the paratrooper boots.
Commie: That will be $300.
Robin: That's crazy!
Commie: No, it called getting money from the unsuspecting populous so our leaders can buy wine and cheese and chicken dinners.
(Robin shoots commie and steals boots and runs off)
BB: Ah crap shoot!
(Sirens ring out)
Cyborg: RUN!
(BB and Cyborg make a break for it)
(Later outside the evil brainwashing camp)
Robin: Wow we finally got away from those guys.
Cyborg: Why the hell did you shoot the handout dude?
Robin: He was asking for it! He made me want to pay $300 for these Paratrooper boots! Look how cool they look I had to have them.
BB: You just could have grabbed them and run.
(Smelly old man runs up to brainwash camp's fence)
Old Man: Boys is that you?
BB: Who are you?
Old: It's me boys your dad!
Robin: Sorry, but every single one of us has no parents.
Cyborg: Yeah, it's a type of loss that gives us purpose and srength to fight bad guys.
Old Man: Oh, my bad sorry.
BB: Don't mention it.
(Boys walk away)
Old Man: could you do me a favour?
(Titans look back)
Titans: What?
Old Man: AVENGE ME! AVENGE ME!
BB: (Whispering to the others) I think he's crazy.
(Raven and Starfire sitting edge of a rocky hil till the boys get back)
Starfire: Are these woods not glourious friend Raven?
Raven: Sun is practically burning out my eye sockets. Why couldn't we just sit under a tree, I'm getting an enough of an over exposure to nature as it is.
Starfire: How can you deny yourself of the majestic beauty that is this forest? Beauty that is only magnified by our present height on this cliff.
Raven: Because this is just a environment for disgusting bugs and vicious animals to condragate. Making me irritable and more angry than ever.
Starfire: Truly it cannot be that bad?
Raven: Well I guess I get fresh air. Still, the guys better get back with something other than a new addition to Robin's wardrobe. (Raven's eyes widen) Something's coming.
Starfire: Is it Robin and our friends?
Raven: No, it's a car. Get down!
(Raven and Starfire hide under rocky ledge while a car full of Commie henchmen rolls up.)
Commie: You know after pillaging, raping, looting and murdering all day it's good to get some down time huh?
Commie 2: Da comrades. What a great view. Hey let's take pictures of each other.
Commie 3: Can we take pictures of ourselves naked?
Commie 2: No way, you ain't talking me into that this time around.
(Commies proceed to take pictures of each other in front of mountain scenery. Starfire peeks her head up to see if they left yet and the Commies notice her)
Commie: Look hot chicks!
Commie 3: Let's rape them!
Commie: Why?
Commie 2: It's in the Soviet Soldiers' handbook.
Commie: Oh right.
(Commie 3 grabs Starfire and drags her to the car, while Commie 2 tries to restrain Raven. Commie just looks on)
Commie: Remember I go next!
(Commie is hit by Sonic cannon blast)
Cyborg: BOO YAH!
Commie 2: Oh skittles! We've been found out! Run Comrades! (Drags Raven down hill, BB goes after him And tackles him to the ground and begins to punch his head open)
BB: Die you asshole! Die!
Raven: Beastboy he's dead already.
BB: Not dead enough!
(Continues punching Commie 2)
Commie: Hey comrades, give me hand with this sexy chick so we can rape her! (Starfire kicks him in the balls) OW MY BALLS! MY BEAUTIFUL RUSSIAN BALLS! (Starfire runs off while Commie 3 crawls to car and picks up radio to call HQ in high squeeky voice) Sirs, we have code orange, repeat code orange!
Radio Officer: You're balls are fractured! Hold on comrade we have men on the way, send us your location!
Commie 3: It's...(Shoot in the head by Robin)
Robin: Suck it bitch!
(BB still beating crap out of Commie 2, then proceeds to slather blood over face.)
BB: I am the Green Avenger! Killer of communist rapists! No one touches Rae on my watch!
Raven: I assure you Beastboy I'm flattered, but please get that blood off your face.
BB: Sorry, guess I just caught up in the moment. Still if the whole Star Wars Program failed to scare them wait till they get a load of me!
Raven: (Sarcastically) They won't know what hit them.
(Place where disadents get massacred)
Slade: Another day of mindless genocide. It makes my life worth the trouble.
(Executees start singing badly)
Dissadents: O BEeauTiful FOr SpaCIOUS SkieS Oh BLEss the ShinING SEas!
(Henchmen and Slade begin to hold ears)
Slade: DEAR GOD! THEY'RE TRY TO MURDER US WITH THEY"RE HORRIBLE SINGING! STOP THE MADDNESS! STOP THE MADDNESS!
(Machine gunners open up and kill dissenters)
Slade: I know this is a horrible an devil act that toltalitarian regimes employ to instill fear and hold onto power. But I think today we at least saved the world from aweful singing. Right Simon Cowell?
Simon: Correct. But you called that mass murder? That was dreadful. I didn't even feel the pain. They just gave up the ghost the second you fired the gun. Guns are so 70's, get original here. Use more slow enducing weapons to increase that. Even so it was rather a dull handling of an execution. You should have at least done it in public where everyone could see them or...
Slade: Guards take this man away.
(Henchmen grab Simon)
Simon: You call this a political arrest for someone speaking their opnion? I mean I heard the order but I was like, "so what?"
(Titan's campsite)
Robin: Guys, killing those Commies was so cool. It was like payback for how they've turned our lives upside down. That why I think we should start up a resistance movement and kick these Reds out of our town!
Cyborg: Are yo crazy we could be killed?
Robin: No I think that us young teenagers with nothing more than our wits and our gun savy knowledge can effectively screw with the Commies around this area. And when we win we can all have pizza! What do you say?
BB: Well do we even have a cool name?
Robin: Yes, I've called named ourselves after our school mascot. We'll call ourselves the Wolverines!
BB: Honey Badger would have been more aggressive. They go for the groin.
Raven: (Laughs a little, BB looks at her smug) Okay fine, two jokes.
When there's Commies invading you know who to Call.
WOLVERINES!
From their Mountain Hideout they can see it all.
WOLVERINES!
When There's Reds on the attack,
You can rest knowing they got your back,
Cause when America needs Freedom Fighter on Patrol...
WOLVERINES! GO!
With Their American Know how they unite.
WOLVERINES!
Never met a Communist that they liked.
WOLVERINES!
They got Ivan on the Run,
And they won't stop till the liberation of America is done!
Cause when the Liberals screw us and we lose all control...
WOLVERINES! GO!
1-2-3-4-5 GO!
Wolverines!
(Cool Montage of Convoys and battalions of communists getting blown to smitereens almost effortlessly by Titans, Robin stands over burnt out husk of APC brandishing a rifle)
Robin: WOLVERINES! Eat it Commies! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US
Cyborg: Use proper grammar moron!
(Starfire gets chased into field by sex crazed Commies and the Titans pop up out of trap doors in the ground and start shooting them up, Star grabs an M60 and blows the others away)
BB: Aw man! You got the cool machine gun! (Notices tank) Nevermind! (Runs over and hops in tank and drives away)
Raven: Does he even know where he's going?
Cyborg: He has no idea.
(Group of soldiers marching through the town square suddenly get run over by BB's Tank)
BB: Whoops! I guess the break is the other one. (Notices a Helicopter over head, Aims turret at chopper and fires, causing it to explode!) Why do Russians have those big red stars on their fuel tanks? It's just retarded.
(Raven plants a bomb in a Soviet-Friendship propaganda center and leaves. Brain and Slade walk by)
The Brain: You dissapoint me Slade. Time and time again, you and your men have failed to stop these pathetic children from screwing with us. Why do you suck so hard at stopping these insurgents?
Slade: Well at least I'm trying. All you do is bark orders to me and they don't do anything but just derive from the plot.
The Brain: My only solice comes from the fact that our comrades behind our lines our safe from these Wolverines.
(Explosion destroys Propaganda Center behind them)
Slade: Would like to retract that statement?
The Brain: GO TO HELL ASSHOLE.
(Back at brainwashing facility, Wolverines stage a darring raid that blows everything up, Commies are really pathetic and they die miseralby, we might as well just skip every other scene with them killing people because its basically the same thing. The Commies are sucky fighters.)
Movie on big drive in screen: Amerika sucks!
(BB smashes Movie projector and uses RPG to blow up all the Commie airplanes stationed nearby for some reason)
BB: Oh yeah! Who is your daddy? I'm your daddy!
Cyborg: Dude, how did he get a RPG?
BB: I find this stuff and I use it! At least it isn't like Reaganomics where you find money and lose it!
(Raven laughs harder this time and a nearby tank blows up, BB smiles)
Raven: Oh stop being funny! It's killing me!
BB: With the way that tank blew up I think you're killing commies.
Raven: (Begins to smirk but catches self) I swear to god, stop that!
(Titans sit around a rock base like the cast of Breakfast Club)
BB: So what's gonna happen to us? I mean I consider you guys my friends. You are my friends right?
Starfire: Yes friend Beastboy. But me and Robin have become more than friends.
Robin: Yes as the sexy leader I get to have the first Romance.
Cyborg: Don't worry BB, we'll always be friends. We'll always have this crappy war to remind us of the good times.
Raven: You mean sitting here, in the rocky desert, on the run from crazed communist anti-resistance fighter squads.
Robin: Yep those are the good times. Hey I have a question, how come BB has been killing more people than any of us throughout this movie?
Cyborg: Yeah man, I put in a lotta Sonic cannons when we hit the convoys in the montage but you killed more people than any of us combined.
Starfire: Is Friend Beastboy under pressure to prove himself?
Cyborg: BB doesn't understand pressure.
BB: I don't understand pressure? (Break down) F#$ you! F#$ YOU! (Sob, Sob, Sob) Do you know why...back on the day of Invasion I was given a detention slip? They found a gun in my locker.
Robin: Why did you have a gun in my locker?
BB: Teachers were always on my case, said if I didn't like Reaganomics for being so retarded why don't you come up with a better economic plan for the nation's budget. I tried to make a defence budget plan for the next year that actually made sense. But the calculations went over the budget line! OVER THE BUDGET LINE! (Sob, Sob, Sob)
Raven: You tried to do statistics?
BB: And I sucked so hard!
Cyborg: Listen everyone sucks at that type of class.
Robin: Yeah, it's almost as useless as math.
Raven: Its no reason to go and kill yourself over Beastboy. We're here for you, you know that. you can always talk to us.
BB: Well actually I had the gun in there for the preparation of going to Moscow and invading the Kremlin and killing everyone in there. Let me show ya. (Unfurls blue prints he has) You see the fire bomb goes off by the furnace here flushing everyone down the hall and into this snake pit I dug overnight, than I just go around chucking grenades in the rooms and shooting passersby with an AK-47 I would have stolen off a dead guard. Now of course everyone would have gone for the doors but I locked them ahead of time.
(Everyone looks at BB like he's crazy)
Robin: Why didn't you think about using the gun on the school.
BB: Cause than people would think I'm a whiny preachy loser. Is that how I want to remembered? Geez!
Raven: Why you obvious gun-ho aspirations of American bravado winning over Russian Tyranny are unrealistic I must admit it's very detailed plan. And the muscular sketch of you drawn here is extra sexy.
BB: What was that last part?
Raven: (Nervously) Uh, nothing!
(Chopper flies over head and shoots up Starfire)
Cyborg: Well at least I didn't die first.
Robin: NO! (Goes crazy and destroys chopper with a explosive disk, then he holds Starfire in his arms) NO! This can't be happening! NO!
Starfire: Friend Robin, do not fear. It is only the red colouring of food made to look like the blood of a human. I am undamaged
(Robin drops Starfire)
Robin: Cyborg, You and me are going into town to kill every last commie! BB and Raven head to the border between us and our USA lines! We shall avenge you Starfire! (Robin runs off and pulls Cyborg with him)
Cyborg: Great now I'm gonna die.
(BB and Rae left alone)
Raven: What the hell just happened?
BB: An idiotic plot twist I think.
Starfire: Does no one care that I am truly not dead?
Raven: I'm beginng to think Robin takes these roles too seriously.
(Slade in his Room with The Brain nearby)
Slade: Now to compose this letter to my wife in an attempt to make me more sympathtic and this movie seem less baised.
The Brain: It is a shame Comrade Slade, that this film was brought down by it's over the top anti-Communism drivel. If they had just tonned it down little they could have had a box office hit. This movie was in truth well acted.
Slade: Yeah whatever. So how many dissadents do we kill tommorow?
The Brain: I feel in the mood for several thousand.
(Explosion hits guard tower outside and sonic booms and explosive disk and gun fire destroy countless pathetic communists as they run for cover. The Brain steps out of his house and dies when he takes a bullet to his, well, brain. Slade Mortally wounds Cyborg as he wipes out the last Communist Guards. He looks around for Robin who appears behind him with the advantage of surprise.)
Robin: Das Verdanya Comrade! (Slade quickly turns around and shoot Robin) OW! God why'd I do that before I fired! (Shoots Slade dead and drags Cyborg off to the swings) Don't worry Cy everything will be alright.
Cyborg: Dude relax, I'm not really gonna die.
Robin: We'll be in Heaven.
Cyborg: This is a movie remember?
Robin: I know Cy, I've always known.
Cyborg: Man what the hell?
(Lone commie Guard comes across note on ground, picks it up and reads)
BB's Note: Dear Invader: We know Reganomics sucks But you suck bigger. We don't need your stupid ideaology to tell us what to do no more than we need the US government to. We are our people. And we've discovered no matter who you are, everyone is a Goth, a A self appointed leader who takes himself too serious leader, a ditzzy confused Alien, a Black guy with robot parts and a funny man with an actually deeper character than most people would think. That may not make sense but at least we only listened to what we believed instead of following a single one idea like you.
Commie Guard: Pft, capitalists. (Walks off with "Don't you Forget about Me" Playing in the background)
(BB and Raven come across the US lines)
BB: We made it! My only regret is that I failed to kill any top ranking leaders of the Communist occupation.
Raven: Are you done acting all violent yet?
BB: Yeah, it doesn't really suit me. Sorry I made you laugh.
Raven: Don't be sorry. They were good jokes.
BB: Thanks, uh Rae...
Raven: Yes.
BB: I was...
GR: Okay, thats a rap.
BB: Dude you're ruining the moment!
GR: Sorry but I have more parodies to do and little time to do them in. Pack everything up, we gotta go.
Starfire: Can someone find friend Robin and inform him that I am alive?
GR: Nah we just bonked him on the head and dragged him back to the set. He wouldn't let Cyborg out of his arms until we did so.
Starfire: I must tend to his aid. (Floats off)
Cyborg: So what's the next set of Parodies?
GR: It's hard to say. Let's see, we did a left wing one, then a right wing one, than left wing one again, this one was right wing, so I guess we're back to left wing!
Cyborg: Gotta a film in mind?
GR: Oh yes, when Robin wakes up, tell him to wear this here Cowboy Hat.
Cyborg: You mean we're doing that film?
GR: No this one is a lot more juicy than that one. I'm surprised people like it so much, it's a total mess.
Cyborg: What's it called?
GR: Let's just say there are three rules, a school of Freedom and Indian Spirit quests.
Cyborg: Tom Laughlin isn't gonna sue us is he?
GR: Please my Cybernetic friend. Tom Laughlin is a pansy just like the character he played in the films.
Can the Titans Survive the 3 hour horror that is "The Trial Billy Jack"? Catch us later to find out. Use this time to get familar with the film. Find Trail of Billy Jack at in the T section of the library. Or for a longer more complicated review go to the link there connecting you to the review of the same film at Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension! While at these sites, aquaint yourselves with B-Movie knowledge and laugh at the bad acting of all these wannabe movie stars.