Coding: Roslin/Lee, Lee/Dee, Lee/Starbuck
Spoilers: Captain's Hand
Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me, if they did, L/L would be happily shacked-up by now! Ron Moore and Universal Studios own the BSG verse, not me.
A/N: I tried to make this story go away, but it wouldn't!
Drifting
By Socket
He fraks Dee because he can.
He would frak Kara, but she's always out of reach – pining for dead men, immersed in her own grief and self-destruction.
He wants Roslin, longs for her; but she's unobtainable. So he tries to block the softly-spoken President from his thoughts. It's become routine now; an instinct… don't think of Laura, don't speak her name… he forces himself to think of Dee's smile; bright and wide as she gazes lovingly at him.
He can't return that feeling, he pretends, because he wants to feel something for her… he thinks, maybe if he tries hard enough, then one day, he will feel the same.
When Dee reaches for him, he closes his eyes and imagines it's Laura's hands caressing him, Roslin's lips pressing against his skin, her husky voice he hears murmur his name… then he opens his eyes and the illusion is shattered, and he's glad because he doesn't want to want Laura.
The world is easier to understand without her complicating matters, without her messing-up his mind and tugging at his heart with something as simple as a half-smile. Roslin made demands of him – made him question his morals, his choices, his beliefs…
Dee makes no demands, he feels comfortable with that – all he has to do is be there and she's happy. She wants him as he is. She doesn't criticise – not the infuriating way that Kara does – always pushing, ignoring his boundaries… and Laura, she accepted him, but there was always an expectation of him – he was her champion and he felt he couldn't fail her. There was a hidden pressure to fit her ideal, to get it right, to be the best he could be… and he was happy to do it, for her. She meant everything to him, then.
He's free of her now, he tells himself; but his heart is still shackled to her.
He tries to remain indifferent to Roslin. He avoids her ship-wide announcements, her public appearances. He resigned as her Military advisor after learning of her plan to assassinate Cain. Laura's a faded image in his memory banks now.
Lee doesn't hurt, because he doesn't allow the pain in. He's numb. That's why he can play at the happy-couple game with Dee. He's not living; he's playing a part - that's what they all want him to do, after all. Dee wants him to be the devoted lover, Adama wants him to be the dutiful son, Kara expects him to keep her balanced… and Laura, he's not sure what she wanted of him, he's never been sure.
Since the beginning, their relationship has been founded on a tacit understanding, an unqualified connection.
And now they are apart, they're both floundering.
Sometimes, when he's had too much to drink, he feels Laura's pull, feels the urge to call her or see her… but he fights it. He can't go back, can't recapture what they had. It has passed. He wonders if she feels the same.
Dee is his future. He's drifting, but soon he'll regain his bearings and he can't do that with Roslin flooding his every thought, so he pushes her from his mind. He thinks of Dee, sweet and kind, and hopes with every fibre of his being that one day soon, he can love her back. The way he loves Roslin.
The End