Chapter 5: 3-Hour long Hippie Wet Dream
Note to all, the General would like to inform all that while he acknowledges that Aqualad is not gay it still is funny to make fun of the pretty waterboy's appearance, voice and actions, that and he was a sucky sidekick to Aquaman. Also if anyone has a problem with me making fun of hippies well too bad. Punks and Goths are way cooler than they ever will be, that and they don't spend all they're time smoking weed. Also Tom Laughlin is a bad film maker. Period. Today's parody is the Trial of Billy Jack.
Robin as Billy Jack
Starfire as Jen (Billy's Girl)
Titans as the endless number of loser Hippies and Indian Stereotypes
Villians as everyone else, who are automatically evil because they don't agree with Billy Jack.
"Remember the rules," Rage pointed out "No drugs, Everyone carries their own weight and everyone gets turned on creating something. So does anyone have any questions?
"These hippies you speak of," Starfire began to ask "They wish to spread peace and love correct? What is wrong with this?
Rage looked at her with a stoic expression
"They're all pathetic drugged out losers who live in a pathetic fantasy land filled with gum drops and candy canes." He answered
"These Hippies live in this place. It sounds truly wonderful." Said the naive young alien
"No they don't actually live there," Rage said rubbing his head "I'm mocking their overly cute and simple little view on the world. A world in which all problems are solved with overly simplified answers that wouldn't work in the grand scheme of things. Look just play your part and you'll understand what I mean."
"I don't think I should be the lead role this time." Robin said expressing concern
"Why exactly?" Rage asked
"Well," Robin began "I'm really starting to get too attached to the acting, it's like I'm becoming the character I portray."
"You mean the last two films?" Responded Rage "Dude relax, stuff like that happens. You'll be okay. The Billy Jack series has too many 2D chracters and stupid plotlines that make no sense for you to possibly turn into a Billy Jack clone. And even if you do we can just bonk you on the head and return you to normal."
"So how long is this film again?" Beastboy asked
"3 hours." Rage responded
Beastboy's face turned long
"You're joking!"
"Nope, three hours" Said Rage once more
"Dude," Beastboy said with worry "I know movies and I know that anything that reaches 3 hours is going to be bad."
"Trust me," Vyborg stated "he knows what he's talking about.
"Of course the film is bad!" Rage acknowledged "But there are still some completely moronic people who have now knowledge of how the film creation process works to know its bad. That's why we're going to examine the entire film and all its inconsistances with this parody."
"I'm not wearing any hippie tye-dye shirts." Raven told Rage
"Relax," The General slash Director stated "you don't have to. Most of the Freedom school students just wear bland no logo shirts."
"Say Rae," Beastboy asked walking over to her "how come you aren't angry that we keep making fun of counter-culture throughout this series?"
"Because," Raven explained "like everything else in this world, counter-culture is pointless. It only serves to generate a new target market for big bussiness to sell to. The only way it could succeed is if a new kind of counter-culture came around where the people who started it are untalented or there is only one person who follows it."
"But I thought you were a Goth?" Beastboy questioned "You know, a non-conformist and junk."
"Exactly," Raven responded "I'm such a non-conformist that I haven't "conformed" to the counter-culture."
A nearby counter-culturist listened to what Raven had just said
"Damn," he expressed "I think I just got Goth Served."
"Okay everyone," General Rage said clapping his hands together "Let's get this parody started. Set up the courthouse guys. We're ready to roll."
(Opening Indians carrying caskets through desert)
Indian 1: Such a horrible tragedy.
Indian 2: 4 innocent lives lost.
Guy in Casket: I'm not dead.
Indian 1: I'm gonna miss them
Guy in Casket: I'm not dead!
Indian 2: Hey did you hear something?
Guy in Casket: I'm feeling better everyone let me out! It's dark an cold and I feel like I'm being compressed into a small place where I shall choke and die.
Indian 1: Weren't you shot?
Guy in Casket: Yes, but the bullet actually just went right through me and took out my appendix without killing me. Miraculously the thing was about to burst. If it weren't for that bullet I really would be dead.
Indian 1: Well this is somewhat ironic?
Indian 2: Not to mention extremely sad since now we only have three people dead. That isn't so much of a tragedy.
Indian1: Maybe we should make sure the other three are dead for sure.
Indian 2: Yeah and if they aren't passed on quite yet we'll beat them with sticks
(Both indians drop casket and run off)
Guy in Casket: Guys! Guys! Oh you godamn idiots! You forgot about me! (Sighs) Looks like I'll just have to pass the time till they come back. Let's think of words that ryhmme with Coffin. Offin', Boffin', Goffin', Spoffin'. I wonder if those words exist.
(Starfire in a hospital bed with a lot of machines stuck to her, Argent is the Reporter)
Argent: Mrs Starfire, has it ever happened before that so many rounds of ammunition were pumped into the school domitories with such ferocity in a short period of time?
Starfire: Your question is oddly overly specific. But I shall answer that this has happened many times before. Although within the State of Kent and other events there were no bullets fired into the school. I do know it was all the Government's fault because they had a conspiracy to murder eleven people that day. I feel this because I feel the goverment is evil and always will be and I am a paranoid nut. (Looks to Rage) I feel as though however that to make fun of this incident is wrong because people died.
GR: We don't need over exagerate things, trust me I'll explain what I mean when we get in further. Besides those freaks at Kent State weren't helping their situation when they looted nearby shops, burned down an ROTC building and chucked rocks at the police men. Sure the National Guard were wrong for killing 11 of them and it was a tragedy and it should never have escalated to that, but the students were hardly peaceful protestors. Their little arson show and robbery spree were premeditated acts, the shooting of guards who had their nerves get snapped were unpremeditated.
Starfire: I fear we shall get bad reviews for this.
GR: Screw them, I'll just delete the flamers who don't sign in. Anyway enough damn politics, make with the funny.
Starfire: Tell me friend Argent would you like for me to discuss how all of this came to be?
Argent: Cool, I'll be able to publish a book about it and make money off a tragedy. Alright start at the beginning.
Starfire: Four and a half years ago...
Argent: Four and a half?
Starfire: Yes, it is my friend Robin Jack was on trial for a crime of murder.
Argent: Is it really nessecary to go back that far?
Starfire: Do not fear, it shall make sense.
GR: Cough No it won't Cough
Starfire: Anyway, Four and a half years ago, in Earth years of course. My Friend Robin Jack was on Trial for the crime of murder in the 1st degree.
(Now begins the three hour flashback of peril...)
(Courtroom, four and a half years ago)
Judge Blood: According to the case file, you Robin Jack murdered a wealthy bussiness man's son and another guy after you found out they raped your girlfriend. Then in a stand off with police you shot another police officer in an attempt to kill him apparently.
(Robin looks over at Crippiled police officer staring at him angirly from his wheelchair)
Robin: Uh, sorry.
(Crippiled Police man mouths the words "F#$ You.")
Judge Blood: Care to explain yourself?
(Robin's Lawyer, Speedy addresses the court)
Speedy: Your honor my client is completely innocent of all the charges. Yes he confessed to kill those people but he did it because he is a special man, a man who tries to be good, who tries to be honest and non-violent. All my client wants is to be able to find his center.
Judge Blood: Did he kill someone or not? Make an opening arguement not a sermon!
Speedy: Yeah, he kinda did, but he isn't guilty of it.
(Prosecutor Gizmo stands up)
Gizmo: The defendant is a scum sucking barf brain who tried to and killed some guys, he's dead pan guilty. I might as well rest my cruddy case now, but I'll humour everyone and just run with this. I call Robin Jack to the stand.
(Robin on the stand)
Gizmo: Did you kill two people or not?
Robin: Yeah, I kinda did. I don't care really what you guys decide on doing.
Gizmo: You mean if we find your cruddy life guilty you don't care? You don't even care if we give you the freaking scumy death penalty?
Robin: Nah, I've come to realize he's my eternal companion, Death. We used to play ball as kids, he'd run around touching people with that magic finger of his. Poor saps didn't stand a chance. In High School me and Death were good buddies always getting into to trouble, I thought the fun would never end. Then one day Death had to leave. I was sad, I would have hugged him but then I would have died. I haven't seen him since he moved to another part of the underworld. I miss him. So if you find me guilty and sentence me to die I'll be happy.
Gizmo: What the crud did that have do with anything we're talking about here? You killed two people and tried to murder someone else barf brain!
Robin: I know, I'm wasting everyone's time by trying to sound all-knowing and stuff.
Gizmo: Your honor, I move that this cruddy case stop being so gay and just pronounce the scum bucket guilty.
Judge Blood: Motion denied, we need to fill up all three hours of this film with the mindless banter, we miss some of it and we'll have leftover tape. Speedy you may cross-examine.
Speedy: Robin, let's discuss your military history in Vietnam.
Gizmo: Objection! The defendant's cruddy military record isn't what's on trial.
Speedy: I'm trying to fill up three hours your honor.
Judge Blood: Objection over-ruled. Keep going Speedy.
Speedy: Well Robin tell us about your time in Vietnam.
Robin: Well I guess the most graphic event I ever witnessed was when I me and my platoon went to a villiage...
(Flashback presented in sock puppet form)
Sladebot Marine Puppet: Hey guys looks like another great day huh?
Sladebot Soldier Puppet: Sure is!
Sladebot Captain Puppet: Hey guys, we just got word from the lord of evil in Saigon. He wants us to slaughter an entire village of people.
Sladebot Marine Puppet: Sounds super.
(Puppet villagers line up and are shot to pieces)
Sladebot Soldier Pupper: All this mindless murder makes me hungry. Hey you guys want to split a baby?
Sladebot Captain Puppet: Sounds awesome, but we need money to buy a baby.
Sladebot Marine Puppet: I'm sorry Cap, but I gave all my money to the devil.
Sladebot Captain Puppet: MARRRRIIIINNNEE!
(Puppets bonk each other with clubs, flashback ends)
Gizmo: Your honor, I object! That entire scene was completely baised, devoid of any actual facts and offensive to people who lost their lives in cruddy Vietnam! No one would have listened to such illegal orders in the US Army, the only known village massacre like that happnening was at My Lai and such events were not routine! Not only that, but this has nothing to do with anything about the fact Robin Jack killed two people!
Judge Blood: I know this evidence should be thrown out, but we need to fill...
Gizmo: Three cruddy hours I know.
Speedy: So you hate America because of this senseless slaughter of innocent people brought on by the American Government in the White house?
Gizmo: I thought he said the orders were from Saigon?
Speedy: Not done yet. Answer my softball question Robin.
Robin: Yes that and I hate Nixon. Can I tell you guys how much I hate him? I have a speech all set up.
Gizmo: Oh my cruddy god.
(SEVERAL LONG BORING HOURS LATER)
Judge Blood: Well your defence people put up a good case. Unfortunately, it failed to prove whether or not Robin is innocent. Since you confessed and all that you killed two people who raped your friend, making you a vigilante, and that you shot a police man, making you an attempted murderer, I sentence you to five years in prison.
Gizmo: Five years! He killed two people!
Judge Blood: So?
(Hippies cry out and boo the sentence)
Hippies: Unfair, Unfair! Robin is innocent let him off!
Gizmo: You barf brains! He practically did get off!
Robin: This is just another example of the government trying to silence me with their unfair laws.
Gizmo: What are you talking about? You got the most lenient sentence in the history of man kind for murder! If the government was railroading you they would have just sentenced you to death!
Robin: But I didn't do anything wrong.
Gizmo: You admitted to killing two people! CRUD! This place is full of stupid idiots! If you barf brains need me I'll be in my trailer away from this crap. Marches off set.
GR: Dude, relax. It's just a movie!
(Montage of Freedom school with Starfire as the voiceover)
Stafire: For the next couple of years, we fought hard against the government who wished to close the school down. At the same time the American tax dollars went to funding our beloved Freedom School. (Star stops reading) Friend Rage I am confused as to why the Government would hate me yet send me money to keep me running a school? Are the goverments of Earth all this way?
GR: Tom Laughlin wrote the script okay, don't ask me to try and understand his logic.
Starfire: Shall I continue then?
GR: Please. The sooner these three hours are up the better.
Starfire: Okay, (Clears throat) We used this money to buy a swimming pool, radio and recording staions as well as started a new trend of sport classes know as Yoga Sports
(BB playing Yoga Tennis with Raven, but he doesn't know who is winning)
BB: I don't understand what I'm doing? Raven what are the rules again?
Raven: (Holds up big book of Yoga Sports) It says you just play the game as normal, except no one keeps scores and you don't worry about technical rules like if a ball is out or not.
BB: Then how am I suppose to know who wins?
Raven: It doesn't say anything about that.
(Cyborg comes up to them)
Cyborg: Guys, I've been trying to learn Yoga Football but I'm confused. The yard lines aren't numbered and everyone is all over the place. I don't know which team I'm on, we're all wearing the same colours! Like it matters though, there's something in the rules about us not tackling each other. It says we have to...um...
Raven: It say you have to stop and win the ball back from someone in an ideological debate.
Cyborg: I don't have time for that!
Raven: You think your game is badly structured look over at the Yoga Basketball Court.
(Herald and Hotspot are dribbling the the ball around each other when Herald throws the ball at the net post. Problem is there is no net so it bounces back at them)
Herald: I have no idea what is going on.
Hotspot: I know, why is there no net? How can I beat your ass if there is no net?
Herald: Excuse me, I believe I have the ball more often than you.
Hotspot: Oh please I'm kicking your ass and I don't even know the score!
(Cut back to Rae, Cy and BB)
Raven: This entire display is a mockery of what Yoga is suppose to be about.
BB: I wonder how Yoga Baseball works?
(Cut to Pantha playing ball with Titans East, however before the pitch come in)
Pantha: Uh, everyone. you do realize its just the six of us here right?
Speedy: Says in the rules we just take turns hitting the ball with a bat. Nothing about teams or positions or anything.
Aqualad: This is stupid, I'm going in the pool.
Bumblebee: Yeah, I'm not playing this anymore. It's boring.
Mas: Cie.
Menos: Yoga Sports es Stupido.
(Back to Starfire Voiceover)
Starfire: We decided to advance the causes of the freedom school by publishing scorching exposes of government corruption. I say scorching because friend Hotspot kept touching them.
(Hotspot holding a burning paper)
Hotspot: Whoops, sorry. I'll just set that down right here. (Hotspot attempts to drop burning paper. Aqualad rushes over and sprays fire out with water powers. Hotspot get splashed and burns out. Hotspot looks at Aqualas) I hate you.
Speedy: Can we please talk about the incredible thing I discovered.
Starfire: Oh yes please Friend Speedy, do tell!
Speedy: Okay, get this. I found transcips of a secret meeting between White House officials and Big Oil executives who talked about manipulating the Six Day War and the Energy Crisis so they could make money.
Raven: Wasn't the Six Day War a more religious and ideological struggle than an energy one?
Speedy: Yes.
Bumblebee: And how exactly did you this find this out?
Speedy: I uh, asked a homeless guy on the street and he gave these crumpled up poorly written papers.
Aqualad: The look like Napkins.
Speedy: Uh yeah they are.
Hotspot: So you didn't find anything, did you?
Speedy: No, but can't we just lie and say we did anyway?
Kole: Didn't that get Dan Rather fired?
Speedy: Who cares? This will blow the lid off the capital.
Bumblebee: Then they'll try to arrest us like that. (Snaps fingers)
GR: The script says for you to do a cut throatg gesture.
Bumblebee: What? Why did the original director want that? Doesn't he know that snapping fingers is the universal sign in the ghetto for being arrested by the man?
GR: Tom Laughlin isn't black. He's too busy trying to sell himself off as an Indian.
BB: You mean like Ward Churchill.
GR: Actually yes, they both spew bullcrap and they are both not real Indians. Good call.
BB: Thanks. So whose line is it?
Aqualad: Mine, They wouldn't arrest us Bee. They's probably just blow up the school or even close it down! (Catches self) Wait wouldn't they try the latter one first and former one second.
GR: I told you, we're following Tom Laughlin's crappy script! Anyway, Starfire, continue with voiceover.
(Starfire continues voiceover)
Starfire: We then began to speak on the television with our private pirate broadcast system. We soon exposed our first example of evil big bussiness by doing a story on a local family owned furniture store in town.
Argent: Was it being closed becaused it lost bussiness to a bigger more powerful company store?
Starfire: No, the Furniture store wasn't the victim, it was the exposed.
(Cut to scene outside Furniture store)
Jynx: We're outside this furniture store that reposessed and destroyed the furniture that it sold to a customer because she was black. Mr. Store owner why would you do such a horrible thing? Is it because you're a racist?
Bob: Of course not Shirley.
Jynx: My name is Jynx.
Bob: That super Sally. We had to reposses that furniture because it wasn't paid for, it was on loan from the store. The woman missed the last payment and the supreme creator ordered it to be returned.
Jynx: Than why did you destroy it?
Bob: Of course we didn't destroy it Cindy. Why would we destroy our stuff? I'll be in the back. (Leaves)
Jynx: Well there you have it. Another prime example of racism in Middle Amer- Rage, Gizmo was right this is stupid.
GR: Take it up with Tom Laughlin for the final time.
(Cut back to Starfire Voiceover)
Starfire: That was when our biggest problems began. Amazingly our small TV station which probably shouldn't have the power to boost the signal all the way to DC managed to do so. Amazing is it not and this is before cable. Then the mean people in DC decided we were a threat for simply taking on a family owned store and feared that we'd strike the pizza place next. Our school was invaded by two federal agents who came in and than left just as quickly. We were able to however come up with a device that would allow us to discover if they had planted any bugs or if anyone was lying just by talking next to it. We called it the 'Super Lie Detector.' We were all so excited.
(Cut to Cyborg dancing around machine)
Cyborg: It awesome man! It will change the world man! Governments and nations will fall before its might man! Now who wants waffles?
Raven: A movie based around this invention would be far greater than this mess.
BB: I know, I got an idea for a trailer. (Talks in trailer voiceover voice) In a world where everyone lies, one green teen heart-throb knows the truth. The Incredible Beastboy in "The Truth Machine." Coming this summer.
Raven: Like I said, anything would be better than this film.
(Starfire Voiceover again)
Starfire: We finally instituted our greatest program yet. The program to help abused children.
(Cut to Star in front of reporters)
Starfire: These young Children have been abused by their parents in horrible ways. For instance Friend Raven has been working with young Friend Timmy whose mother chopped off his hand.
(Raven approaches Timmy whose hand isn't really cut off it's just made to look like it with a cup of Pepsi which he knocks out of her hand. He then proceeds to scream and roll around on the floor.)
Reporter: Did he do that because he is emotionally traumatized?
Starfire: No, Timmy is in truth a 7up man.
Woman Reporter: How do you intend to help these children?
Starfire: We intend to help them with love. Love that will show them that they are loved. We will love them and their parents and they will love us back. Soo that love will change them and they will love everything, love, love, love, love.
Reporters: Awwwwww!
Woman Reporter: Cute, but seriously how are you gonna help them?
Starfire: Well, that actually is the plan.
Reporter: But isn't that answer way too simple and arbitrary to work in the real and complex world. You're not going to do councilling or psychiatric care or possibly seperate them from their child until they can deal with everything in a rational and responsible way.
Starfire: Those way are too impersonal. Only love shall truly work in the long run.
Reporter: Okay, everyone we just officially entered a hippie wet dream. Come on lets go before they start singing stuff.
(Reporters scramble out of the school, Starfire voiceover continues)
Starfire: Then came the day that Robin Jack came out of prison early thanks to good behaviour, but I knew the government would never let him get two feet out the door.
(Robin leaves prison gate and looks around)
Robin: Say Rage, where are the hot assassin ninja chicks?
GR: Oh you mean the ones the government hired to kill you? Well let me explain, you see the evil government of Amerika only seems to like talking about how to kill you. However they never truly take a chance. In fact several times when they could have killed you easily without much of a problem with the courts will be completely passed up.
Robin: The vast Right-Wing conspiracy lost it's touch huh?
GR: Brother, in the world of Tom Laughlin, the conspiracy is apparently made up of morons.
Robin: Okay then now what?
GR: Tom Laughlin's favourite special effect, the Helicopter shot!
(Helicopter shot of Starfire standing on cliff with Robin's crappy looking cowboy hat. Robin arrives and she puts it on his head and pulls him into a bone crushing hug. Thankfully we switched Robin with a dummy so it's okay. Cut to scene of the glourious reuniting at the Fredom School)
Robin: I'm back my bitches!
Hippie hereos: YAY!
(Kitten comes on stage with a guitar and starts to sing badly)
Kitten: Oh Robbie poo, was in jail, but they couldn't keep him there!
Now Robbie poo is back here from there!
Oh don't go back Robbie Jack!
Don't go back Robbie...
(BB comes on stage and grabs guitat from Kitten. Then he smashes it on the ground and then starts jumping on it wildly. Finally he stops and stomps off stage)
Raven: Thank you! I'm just dissapointed that I didn't do it first.
GR: Congrates team we made through the First Half, if you truly wish to continue on please scroll down. But be warned, this film only gets worse from here on out. Also many Indians may be offeneded by the fact that Tom Laughlin turned them into bland streotypes. Oh well, let's continue.
(Freedom School Lounge)
Starfire: Friend Robin I have just recieved word that our Indian friends are lost in a snow storm.
Robin: They're Indians, they'll be fine. They know how survive better than we do out there.
Starfire: Also the local town refuses to rescue them because everyone outside of our school is racist.
Robin: So you're saying this is my first chance to save someone from the government since I was out of prison?
Starfire: Correct.
Robin: (Gets up) This looks like a job for! (Runs into closet and come out with cowboy hat on) Robin Jack! Quick to the RJ Chopper!
(Crappy campy parody of Batman music plays as the Star and Robin lift off to find the Indians)
Starfire: Look there they are!
Robin: Hang on, I'm going do a cool stunt!
(Chopper crashes head first into ground. Our hippie heroes stumble out)
Starfire: Friend Robin did you mean to crash into the ground and endanger both our lives?
Robin: Um, yes.
Starfire: Than I am sure you had a reason.
Robin: Uh yeah, sure, yeah I had one. Don't remember it though.
Starfire: Let us see to a redskinned friends.
(Director's note: There are not indian Super Teens we could find. We hired extras off a reservation)
Robin: Hello Smiling Moose it is good to see you.
Smiling Moose: My name is Dave, Robin.
Robin: Of course Smiling Moose. We are here to save you.
Smiling Moose: I told you my name is Dave. And we're fine. Our snowmobiles just ran out of fuel. We kinda had to abandon them and we were making our way back when you showed up.
Robin: Smiling Moose I am glad to see you alive and well, but tell me why did you not look to the great spirit to guide your way?
Smiling Moose: My name is Dave! Emphasis on the D sound okay? And we have a GPS unit in palm pilot.
Robin: Don not fear we shall return you the great city where our medicine men will help you.
(Smiling Moose beats up scriptwriter for continuing to write his name like that)
Dave: MY NAME IS DAVE! DAVE! (Grabs Robin's cheeks and starts moving them to the sounds of the letters of his name) D-A-V-E! DAVE! God! What is with you? No one names their children those titles anymore! Jesus Christ! You know a stereotype is still a stereotype no matter how positive.
Robin: (Sees litter on ground) Why must the white man continue to be such fools? (Begins to shed a tear)
Dave: That does it, I'm getting my lawyer.
(Later at a courthouse that looks vaguely familar from last time)
Judge Blood: So you Indian feelas tresspassed on land owned by Slade Posner huh?
(Robin jumps up and shakes fist in air)
Robin: POSENEEEEEEEEEEER!
(Captain Kirk Get up and Shakes fist in air)
Kirk: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
(Ghost of Marlon Brando gets up and rips shirts and yells)
Ghost of Marlon Brando: STEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLAAA!
(Judge Blood pounds gavel)
Judge Blood: Everyone stop screaming names of their enemies and lost loves or I will clear the court. However the hippies are free to act like unruly idiots just like the last trial.
(Hippie Heroes start singing the 'WAR: What is it good for?' Song)
Judge Blood: Now, completely stereotypical Indian Lawyer woman you may open your case.
Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype: We are not subject to your laws!
Malchior: Yeah that what I said when I sexual assualted Raven, I'm a dragon for the love of god not a human! I'm not subject to your laws! I'll do whateva I want! Whateva! I do what I want! I am out of control!
(Raven comes over and smacks him with a stick)
Raven: Bad evil dragon! Respect my F--king authoritha!
Cartman: HEY! Stop stealing my lines you stupid Jews!
Raven: I'm not Jewish.
Cartman: Oh. (Runs off the set)
Judge Blood: Oh to hell with this bull, I'm just gonna sentence you to ten days in jail, or you can pay that fine we set up and stuff.
Dave: Alright fine, how much was it again?
Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype: My client would rather take your jail time than pay you anymore money!
Dave: What? I just said...
Judge Blood: Okay whatever. Baliff slap the cuffs on him and send him off to the big house.
(Dave is led out of courthouse, Hippies hereos start screaming injustice and unfair and railroad and white trash and several other insults)
Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype: You won't win in the end! We Indians will rise and murder all the white men!
Dave: Lady you're not helping me out here!
(Later outside the hippies are frisked by the policemen)
Sladebot Policeman: Okay now we shall frisk you and stuff.
Speedy: Injustice! (Throws Orange at officer)
Cyborg: Oh nice one ya idiot. Have you ever heard of the crime of 'assualting a police officer'?
(Sladebot Policemen advance on the hippies heroes with bats drawn when Robin shows up)
Robin: You won't harm my friends!
Sladebot Policeman: Well looks like we got a tough monkey here?
BB: Dude, isn't it Jive Turkey?
GR: Yes, but that's how it was phrased in the original film.
BB: Tom Laughlin doesn't know 70's slang well does he?
GR: It's one of the many things he doesn't know well.
Robin: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna slowly take off my shoes and then kick your ass after I moan on about politics and crap. And there ain't anything you can do about it.
(Robin begins to take off shoes)
Sladebot Policeman: Run! He has shoeless feet and all we have are guns! (Policeman run off)
Robin: That was pathetically easy.
(The Indian Council Meeting)
Starfire: Redskinned Friends we have come here to discuss "IT." As you all know, "IT' is important for your people's survival which is why the village elders have come here to night to discuss it with us. Now our opening speaker the Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype.
Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype: They control our land, they control our plumbing, they control our worship...
Rancid Goose: I though we were isolated from society?
Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype: Not done yet. Where was I oh yeah... They control our money, they control everything in our lives!
Smelly Cat: Wait a sec who are they?
Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype: The White man!
Ima Cow: A question what exactly is this "IT" we are voting on?
Starfire: "IT" is "IT"
Ima Cow: I know that's what it is but what is "IT."
Starfire: It is "IT."
Ima Cow: So what is "IT."
Starfire: "IT"
Ima Cow: Oh for the love of... HEY MY NAME ISN'T IMA COW! IT'S NANCY!
Blue Hawk: I believe instead of working against the white man we should open a casino house and slowly but surely steal all their money by exploiting their gambling problems.
Indian Stereotype 271: That ain't blue hawk. It's Uncle Tommie Hawk.
Cyborg: Okay, First of all that a phrase Black Liberals use to discribe Black Republicans and it is just as offensive as the N-word. Second, everyone stop acting like Stereotypes and stop using crappy names.
Rancid Goose: Why did I get Rancid Goose? My name is Don.
Smelly Cat: And mine is Yancy. (Everyone looks at him confused) I'll stick with Smelly Cat.
(Later Outside)
Indian Stereotype 271: They voted "IT" down.
Nancy: WHAT IS "IT?"
Robin: Why do you bother with all these politics? Why not just stuff your beliefs down other people's throats?
Indian Stereotype 271: Isn't that what you fight against the evil republicans for doing?
Robin: Yes, but truth be told Robin Jack is a member of DailyKos and we pride ourselves on ruthlessly eliminating anyone whose ideas our different than ours. Like Blue Hawk. Why did he turn against us?
Indian Stereotype 271: Because the government caught him embezzling funds and they said they'd keep it quiet if he went against "IT."
Raven: I thought you guys were poor? How can you embezzle funds?
Cyborg: And if the government covered it up how come you're talking about it?
(Indian Stereotype 271 notices litter on ground)
Indian Stereotype 271: Why does the white man treat our earth this way? (Sheds a tear)
Raven: That's a lawsuit.
(Slade Posner is driving a bus into Indian territory)
Slade: On this bus we have Pentagon Officials, Corporation Presidents, Washington Politicians and the Lieutenant Governor.
The Devil Bus Driver: And we gonna get laid tonite! But first we sacrifice the still beating heart of a mortal baby.
Slade: We are such dull 1D villians.
(Another Indian Meeting)
Robin: It's time to stop Slade Posner once and for all! Any body have an idea?
BB: Yeah, let's videotape them at the party and get incriminating evidence on their illegal actions.
Robin: I have a better plan.
(Robin leads a torch light vigile of gun totting vigilantees)
Robin: Kill that which is does not vote for the Green Party!
BB: Rae, do you ever stop to wonder why Robin Jack is such an moron?
Raven: No, I just close my eyes and pretend I'm somewhere better.
(Raven Dream Sequence)
(Depressing Cafe)
Goth: Congrats Raven, your depressing poetry has surpassed all challengers. Here is the ghost of Edgar Allan Poe to present you with an award for being incredily depressing.
Ghost of Edgar Allan Poe: I wrote a lot of sad and lonely poems and stories but you take the cake. Heres your commorative plaque.
Raven: Thanks Mr. Poe.
(Muscular Beastboy in Superman outfit comes up on stage)
Muscular BB: Hey Rae, I matured. Wanna come away with me?
Raven: Sure.
(Jumps in his arms and Muscular BB flies off like Superman)
(End Dream Sequence)
Raven: I have really got to stop ending my fantasies like that. Oh well maybe just one more.
(Closes eyes again, BB looks on confused)
(Slade Posner's Party)
Slade: Welcome my cabal of evildoers to another session of the wanna be Legion of Doom club. Now let us all drink the blood of the slaughtered goat from our dishes.
(Evil 1D villians drink blood from dishes, then Robin Jack kicks the door down and fires a round into the air)
Robin: Your evil days are numbered! We're here to kill you all! I have compsed a speech on why you are all evil!
BB: Oh boy.
Cyborg: You said it man, I'll be by the car.
(Several Dull hours later)
Robin: So in conclusion...hey where is everyone?
Starfire: Friend Robin, I fear that why you were orating our enemies slipped through our grasp and drove off.
Robin: Aw man. Oh well get Cy to bring the car around.
Starfire: In truth he cannot because he has already left.
(Look behind him to see his posse gone)
Robin: Oh son of a bitch.
(At Indian Medicine Man hut)
Robin: Grandfather I have come to ask for your guidance.
Grandfather: My name is Steve and I will only amuse you by acting like the precieved stereotype that your people view my people's elders to be because I'm being paid. Okay anyway it's time to go on a cosmic spirit journey.
Robin: How?
(Steve sticks a big hooka up his nose)
Steve: There now breath in real hard and just wander around the desert for a few days.
(Robin goes into kalidoscope vision and wakes up in a cheesy hotel with his shirt off)
Robin: Dude where am I?
(Notices Hooker beside him)
Hooker: Hey baby.
Robin: AH! Who the hell are you?
(Man step out of the bathroom with towel on)
Man: Morning Tiger.
Robin: Who is he?
(Robin Notices several comatose homeless people on the floor)
Robin: Who are they?
Hooker: You should see the video you made.
(Hooker puts in video tape and hits play, tape show Robin running around with half naked women in a captain's suit)
Robin on Tape: I throw the meanest sexy parties!
Robin: Geez, I must of took a bigger wiff of that hooka than I thought.
(Raven bursts in through the door)
Robin: Oh hey Raven, how'd you find me?
(Raven uses powers to knock Robin outta bed)
Raven: Next time you touch me there, I'll scramble your subconcious not just your skull! (Storms out of room)
(Robin climbs off of floor)
Robin: I don't wanna know what else happened in the last few days I was out. (Looks at shoulder and notices Tattoo heart with 'Charlotte' on it) Who the hell is Charlotte?
Hooker: Don't look at me.
GR: Okay this is boring, I'm wasting my time and yours going through all this, let's just fly through this fast final half fast, no one really cares at this point. School's Radio Anttena is blown up, but not the school. National Guard is called in. Posner Convinces Goverment to declare martial Law. Students go to find Robin Jack at his vision quest but Mr. T tells them no and to stay away from drugs. Robin Jack is painted in red and desecends into cavern of overly setreotypical Indian demons and monsters. Comes across a completely Blue Robin Jack who tells him to seek wisdom from spirit of the desert who teaches him that in order to find happiness he must no longer fight anyone with his kung fu, even in self defence. Hippie Heroes go on a drug trip and hold the first 'Total Man Meet.' There are pratically no lain out rules and no body can win. Also everyone has a belly dancer on their team as well as several other losers like poetry composer, rock singers, pole vaulters and a relay team. The game makes no sense and Raven remarks that like everything this is pointless. The Symobonese Liberation Army stops by and tries to make everyone kidnapp some people and burn stuff down. Security immedietly kills them all and I sweep their bodies outback to the dumpster. Than the Hippie heroes get jumped by Billy Numerous' doubles in the desert. No one knows why they out there. The T-Car is doused in gasoline and set ablaze. Robin Jack shows up and begins along his path of new found pacifism by beating everyone up. Robin remarks that he has learn pacifism to everyone and BB asks him if he did why did he beat those people up? Robin Jack suffers an angnorism from this and start convulsing on the ground. Timmy Tantrum rides a burro. An Indian kid dies and several random tin foil hat wearing nut jubs invade the set to make things een stupider. Another Indian Meeting that no one cares about. Billy Numerous and Slade Posner are killed by Robin Jack at town hall after Indian Setreotype 271 is kiddnapped by them. Robin Jack retreats to a small church where he fires at police for several hours. Amazingly the polic don't take this opportunity to kill him and instead force him to surrender by tricking him into thinking that they'll pull back the national guard. Robin Jack is an idiot and follows their orders and ends up almost getting killed in a poorly attempted staged murder scene, but escapes. Than the National gets bricks thrown at them and they start shooting hippies for several minutes. Hippies run into bullets because they're high. Indians show up and stop them. Whole scene is rather badly made and poorly staged and extremely sappy and over the top. No Fox Action News van is around to cover the story. Robin Jack is found by Indians. Okay resume Story.
(Indian Medicine Hut)
Steve: I'm afraid because you failed to stay on the path of Pacifism you will die. Although our medicine did work.
Robin: That's just your insurance policy that you use so you don't get sued!
Steve: Yes it is. Oh well bye.
(Robin Jack wakes up in a better hospital and ends up surviving)
Robin: Is the movie over?
GR: One second more...
Hippie Heroes: (Singing) All We're saying is just don't watch this crap!
GR: And we're clear!
Robin: Thank god! That was the worst film ever!
BB: Dude I know it sucked monkey ass.
Starfire: I found it was most delightful...when it ended.
Raven: Did anybody understand what the overall message was? Because there were so many topics and politics in that film I didn't understand what we were getting at.
Cyborg: Man watching those documentaries on Fungus are more fun than this.
Starfire: I agree, perhaps that is what we should do to take our minds off of this horrbile expeirience.
Raven: I need severe meditation. Possibly on level 12 of the astral plane.
BB: I just need videogames. Quick, Rage give me the most mindless FPS you have!
GR: Here take "Shellshock: Nam '67." It isn't good, but it is mindless and you should finish it in like a couple of hours.
(BB grabs game and runs off)
GR: Speaking of mindless shooters, time to think about our next Film. Next one will be two birds with one stone. Robin you get a M60 Machine gun. Also you star alongside Red Star. I hope Jack Abramoff doesn't find out.
(Tom Laughlin bursts into the studio wearing his Billy Jack Costume)
Tom: General Rage, I've come to kick your ass.
GR: Huh? Dude this is private property.
(Tom Slowly takes off his left shoe)
Tom: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take my left foot and hit you on the right side of your jaw and there ain't a single thing you can-
(General Rage pokes him in the eyes Stooges style)
GR: Oh shut up ya knucklehead.
(Tom Laughlin falls on floor and rives in pain, begin to claw out his eyes)
Tom: OH MY GOD MY EYES! ARGH! MOTHER OPF GOD HELP ME! AHHH! I'M DIEING! SAVE ME LORD! DEAR SWEET GOD HELP ME! I'M GONNA DIE! AHHH! MOMMY! HELP ME!
GR: That's the second Directorial hack I've caused harm to. At least this one was still alive.
Cyborg: Man you were right, this guy is a pansy.
Next time the Robin and Red Star star in a parody of "Rambo" and "Red Scorpion"! How long will the maddness last!