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Disclaimer: To those who dare to read the following, May you know this: I own none of the concepts espoused below. All material relating to Harry Potter, including some of the quotations are the property of J.K. Rowling. Materials concerning Star Wars belong to George Lucas. The few references to the Lord of the Rings belong to Professor Tolkein. Mario Puzo's works also played a role in this parody. All characters within this play are strictly fictitious. Any resemblances they may bear to real people are purely coincidental. Enjoy, and Se Gap Lai Nhe.
A Short While Ago in a Galaxy Not Too Far Away…
Magic Wars Episode V: The Ministry of Magic Strikes BackIt is a Dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Dark mark has been Destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the Earth. Evading the dreaded Imperial Dragon-fleet, a group of freedom fighters led by Lord Voldewalker, has established a new secret base at the remote magical school of Durmstrang. The evil Lord Darth Serpent Tongue, obsessed with finding young Voldwalker, has dispatched thousands of owls into the far reaches of space…
Scene I: Shot of an Imperial Shortsnout. Out of a hatch in the Shortsnout's abdomen, thousands of tiny owls flock out to the far reaches of the Earth. One of these owls lands on the remote Durmstrang System where it's impact was observed by Lord Voldewalker, the unofficial leader of the Rebel Alliance.
Lord: Echo 3 to Echo 7. Bill, can you hear me? HELLO?
Bill: Yeah, I hear you. What's wrong?
Lord: I finished searching my area and I found no life forms. However, I saw something grey and feathery fall from the sky. I'm going to check it out.
Bill: You do that. I'm heading back to base. See you.
Bill Solo rides off towards Durmstrang Castle. In the meantime, Voldewalker's giant ferret begins whining, and straining to return to base.
Lord: What's wrong Mr. Ferret? Do you smell something?
Lord Voldewalker turns around and sees a giant Mountain troll, who hits him over the head with its club and kills Mr. Ferret. The Troll then drags Voldewalker back towards its cave in the mountains.
Scene II: At the Rebel base in the unplottable Castle of Durmstrang.
Bill: I've just finished my scan of the area and I don't see anything.
General Slughorn: Has Commander Voldewalker reported in yet?
Bill: Not yet. He saw a grey, feathery mass fall from the sky and went to check it out. General, I can't stay here anymore.
General Slughorn: Why not?
Bill: Well, Hagga the Hutt has placed a price on my head that is so high, that before long, I'll have every bounty hunter in the galaxy on my trail.
General Slughorn: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, m'boy. You are a good fighter, and if I may say so, I have greatly appreciated your contraband crystallized pineapple.
Bill: Ah, don't mention it, Sluggy. Well, so long Princess. I guess this is the end.
Fleur: I guess so.
Bill: Well don't get all mushy on me princess.
Bill storms out of the room. Princess Fleur follows.
Fleur: Bill.
Bill: Yes, your Worshipfulness.
Fleur: I thought you had planned on staying here.
Bill: I did until we met up with Nevillo Fett a month ago. If I don't pay off Hagga, I'm a dead man.
Fleur: No you can't go. We need you here.
Bill: What about you?
Fleur: Yes, I need you. You're a good pilot and you can keep Sluggy happy better than anyone else here.
Bill: That's not what I mean. You fancy me.
Fleur: I have no idea what you're on about.
Bill: Then why did you come after me? Afraid I'd leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?
Fleur: I'd as soon as kiss a werewolf.
Angrily, Bill storms out of the room to help his first mate, Remus J. Lupebacca repair the Flying Ford Falcon. On his way there, he is met by K-3R0.
K-3R0: Excuse me Sir, but do you know where I can find Lord Voldewalker?
Bill: I don't know where he is. Ask General Slughorn or Barty.
K-3R0: They don't know where he is. He hasn't reported in yet.
Bill: Fine. I'll go out after him.
K-3R0: Hopefully he freezes out there, the filthy blood-traitor.
Scene III: Lord Voldewalker awakens hours later in the cave of the Mountain troll. He has been bound by his feet in ice. Voldewalker uses the Porsche to summon his wand-saber and free himself. He then finds and kills the Mountain troll before he leaves the cave and trips over his feet. Landing at the bottom of the mountain, he sees a vision of his former master O.G. Wan Gryffindobi.
Godric: You must go to the Mordor System. There you will learn the ways of the Porsche from Sauron, the Dark Lord who taught me.
Lord: Godric. Godric. GODRIC.
Lord Voldewalker stretches out his hand in a vain attempt to reach Godric. Godric disappears. In his place rides in Bill Solo riding atop of a giant ferret.
Bill: Voldewalker, Voldewalker. Are you okay?
Lord: Godric…Sauron…Mordor system…bang, bang….
Bill: Stupid prat.
Bill's giant ferret dies suddenly, having been poisoned previously by Kreechio. Our heroes were unaware of this, however. Bill picks up Voldewalker's wand saber and cuts open the ferret, stuffing its gaudy innards atop of Voldewalker to keep him warm.
Bill: Wait…I didn't need to do that. I could just have conjured up a blanket. Oh well.
Bill conjures up a blanket and curls up for the night. The next morning…
Theodred: (Using a bull horn) Commander Voldewalker! Captain Solo! Can you hear me? This is Theodred. Come in.
Bill: Hello there. Glad you could drop in on us.
Theodred and Bill hoist Voldewalker onto Theodred's thestral, Brego. They then fly back to base where Madame Pomfrey nurses Voldewalker back to health.
Bill: Well hello Voldewalker. You're looking better today.
Lord: All thanks to you.
Fleur: Hello Voldewalker.
Bill: Well Princess. It looks as though you got yourself lucky.
Fleur: I had nothing to do with it. General Slughorn thought that it was too dangerous to be traveling around with the Empire looking for us.
Bill: I think you can't bear to have a handsome fellow like me out of your sight.
Fleur: I don't know where you get your delusions fluffy brain.
Bill: Fluffy brain? Is that the best you can come up with?
Fleur: No, but this is.
Fleur kisses Lord Voldewalker, and exits. Lord Voldewalker looks lost and confused. Bill looks furious and with Lupebacca, he storms out of the room and proceeds to the command center. He finds General Slughorn and company listening to a transmission of unknown origin.
General Slughorn: Bill, m'boy. Come over here. I have something for you to listen to.
Transmission: Hoot, Hoot, Hoot, Hoot.
Fleur: What the heck was that?
Bill: What ever it was, it didn't sound friendly.
K-3R0: Excuse me, Sir. I know over three forms of communication. I would guess that that is not an owl.
Bill: Well, Lupey and I will take care of it.
Scene IV:Bill Solo and his faithful 1st mate Remus J. Lupebacca find an owl hooting around. Lupebacca sneezes—he's allergic to owls, poor fellow—and the owl goes berserk. Bill jinxes him and the owl blows up.
Bill: Well, I shot a silencing charm at him and he blew up.
Fleur: An Imperial Owl.
Bill: Yeah. Looked a lot like Errol. Whatever the case, I think it's a safe bet that the Empire knows we're here.
General Slughorn: I'll have to begin the evacuation tomorrow then.
Fleur: Why put off to tomorrow what can be done today?
General Slughorn: Because I want to eat some crystallized pineapple.
Scene V: Aboard the Imperial command ship, the S.S. Hungarian Horntail. Captain Peeveset beckons fleet Admiral Owen to him.
Captain Peeveset: Admiral Owen. I have something to show you.
Admiral Owen: Ooh. I love surprises. What is it, Captain?
Captain Peeveset: Look at the photograph that owl sent. It looks like the sign says "The Rebel Base."
Admiral Owen: So?
Captain Peeveset: Well, if it says "The Rebel Base," …If the shoe fits, then you must acquit.
Enter Darth Serpent Tongue and his army commander General Davies.
Darth: May I help you?
Captain Peeveset: Yes. I think I have found the rebel base. See this photograph? The sign in the front says "The Rebel Base."
Darth: That's it. You've found it.
Admiral Owen: My Lord. Don't you think that is a bit obvious? What sort of fool would have a sign saying "The Rebel Base" in front of their headquarters?
Darth: Admiral, you don't know these rebels. Slughorn and Voldewalker aren't especially bright. Admiral, set your course for Durmstrang.
General Davies: Admiral.
Scene VI: At the Rebel base at Durmstrang.
Fleur: All flying carriages will be assembled at the northern entrance. They will leave when they are filled. Only two thestrals will escort these ships. The energy shield can only be opened for a short time, so stay close to the carriages.
Barty Antilles: Two thestrals against a dragon?
Fleur: We can stun enemy dragons that are within range. Once you are past the shield, proceed directly to the rendezvous point. Understand? Good Luck.
Meanwhile aboard the Imperial command Hungarian Horntail…
General Davies: Lord Serpent Tongue, our dragon fleet is hovering outside of the Durmstrang Castle. The castle is protected by a magical barrier.
Darth Serpent Tongue: The Rebels are alerted to our presence. Admiral Owen should have deactivated the neon lights at the head of the dragon. General, prepare for a ground assault.
General Davies leaves to prepare for battle. Serpent Tongue pulls out his two-way transporter mirror. Admiral Owen and Captain Peeveset appear.
Admiral Owen: Lord Serpent Tongue, the fleet has approached Durmstang and we are about to ach ahh….
Darth: You have failed me for the last time, Admiral. I told you to remove the neon lights, but you refused.
Admiral Owen: One mistake after Lord knows how many years of faithful service.
Darth: (Begins strangling Admiral Owen) Captain Peeveset, you will set up a blockade to ensure that no one escapes our clutches. You are in command now, Admiral Peeveset.
Admiral Peeveset: Thank you, my Lord.
Admiral Owen convulses and dies. Meanwhile…
All of the Rebels mount their thestrals and begin to take off for the great epic battle outside of Durmstrang. In the mean time, General Slughorn led a contingent of Rebel infantry to their positions outside the walls.
Eomer: General Slughorn, we have sighted Imperial acromantulas.
General Slughorn: Excellent, m'boy. Pass the crystallized pineapple. I'm hungry.
Scene VII: The battle for Durmstrang. In order for the main group of the rebel alliance along with the bulk of General Slughorn's personal effects to get away, the Rebel alliance sends forth its thestral squad to engage and destroy the Imperial acromantulas. In the meantime, Bill Solo and his first mate Lupebacca attempt to repair the cruise control for the Flying Ford Falcon
Lord: Hello, all. We can't stun the Imperial Acromantulas. Our stunning spells are no match for their thick hides. Our best bet is a trip jinx. Gamling, do a trip jinx. I'll cover.
Gamling: I can't perform magic.
Lord: Oh. Sorry. Throw a rope around its legs then.
Gamling: Okay. Coming around.
Gamling shoots an arrow with a rope at an acromantula's leg. However, before he could get the acromantula to trip, an Imperial Acromantula swallowed him whole.
Lord: Oh, well. Such is life. Red 2. Barty, can you hear me?
Barty Antilles: Yeppers. What is it?
Lord: I lost Gamling. Could you perform a trip jinx on the acromantula?
Barty Antilles: Yeah, I can do that. Coming around. Tripius Acromantulous!
Barty Antilles fires a trip jinx at the Imperial Acromantula, which collapses on top of its Dwarf rider, who dies instantly.
Barty Antilles: Whoa. That got him.
Lord: Good job Barty. Oh no. My steed's been shot.
Lord Volewalker's thestral was hit by a throwing axe from a Dwarf Trooper. It falls to the ground. Voldewalker gets up from the wreckage and runs along under an Imperial acromantula. He jumped up and caught it by its bristly hair and slit it open using his wand saber. He then jumped off and ran as the Acromantula began to writhe in pain and rolled over, crushing its rider. In the meantime, General Davies launches an all out infantry assault on the Castle of Durmstrang.
Bill: Princess Fleur, we have to get out of here. Imperial troops are outside the Castle.
Fleur: What are you doing here? I told you to evacuate with everyone else.
Bill: Well, the Flying Ford Falcon is being repaired. Our cruise control capability was damaged, and the price of gasoline is so expensive.
K-3R0: Kreechio thinks the Empire will capture you all and cook you into stew.
Bill: Quiet you.
Eomer: (Via a two way mirror transmission) Imperial Dwarf Troopers have entered the castle!
Bill: Fleur, we're quitting this Popsicle stand. Grab Kreechio and let's get to the ship.
At the Flying Ford Falcon…
Bill: Lupebacca, prep the ship. We're getting out of here.
Lupebacca growls in assent.
Bill: Accelerate now.
Bill pushes the accelerator but the car stalls. Imperial Dwarf Troopers, led by Darth Serpent Tongue, enter the main parking lot at Durmstrang.
Fleur: Would it help if we got out and pushed?
Bill: Lupey, bang the hood with something. That ought to get her started.
Lupey bangs the hood and the car starts. Bill accelerates but not before he lets a torrent of thick, horrible-smelling exhaust fill the main parking lot, making the Dwarf Troopers choke and sputter. The remainder of the Rebel forces fly off to the rendezvous point, while Lord Voldewalker climbs aboard his Comet Two-sixty. N2-G2 is supported in a cage immediately below the body of his broomstick.
N2-G2: (Translated) Where are we going, Master?
Lord: We are going to the Mordor System to meet Sauron the Great. We should be there in a few hours. In the meantime, let's sing a rousing chorus of kumbyia.
N2-G2 rolls her eyes and they fly off into the sunset, Voldewalker singing all the way.
Scene VIII: Having just escaped past Durmstrang, the Flying Ford Falcon is met by two Imperial Ridgebacks attempting to cut it off. A load of Imperial Shortsnout fighters swarm after them.
Bill: Lupebacca, set the speed and let's initiate cruise control.
Lupey punches down on the cruise control button and nothing happens. Lupey growls in anger.
Bill: Oh, no. Houston, I think we have a problem. Lupey, hand me the tool kit.
Bill crawls into the crawl space below the Flying Ford Falcon, and begins working away. Lupebacca attempts to hand the toolbox to Bill when the vehicle shudders violently. Lupebacca, being the clumsy git he is, drops it. It is small consolation that the toolbox fell on a mounted Dwarf trooper's head, killing him and his mount. When another violent shudder goes through the Flying Ford Falcon, Bill climbs into the front seat to see a horrible sight.
Fleur: Bill hurry up!
Bill: What did we hit?
Fleur: Birds! We're flying head first into the roost of really stupid birds.
Bill: I spent enough time fixing all of the dings in this hunk of junk. I won't have some birds flying headfirst into the windshield, or anywhere else for that matter. And I won't have bird droppings befouling its appearance. It's embarrassing.
Birds keep flying into the Flying Ford Falcon. Others relieve themselves. All the while, Imperial Dwarf Troopers mounted on Shortsnout fighters draw ever closer.
Bill: Eureka! Let's fly farther into the cloud of angry birds. Furthermore, lets fly as close as possible to them. Maybe they'll shield us from view.
Lupebacca: Are you completely addled? These little birds have no chance at shielding us from view.
K-3RO: Why don't we just surrender to the Ministry? I would much prefer to serve lovely pureblooded masters instead of filthy blood traitors and maggots. Oh, the shame, the shame…
Bill: Okay, that settles it. We are moving onward, if only because Kreechio will gloat forever and a day if we go back. Let's look for a place to dock. Ah, I see the perfect spot. Look over by those stairs cut into the mountainside. At the top of them there is a tunnel. We can park in there while we fix the cruise control to the correct speed.
Our heroes adopt that course of action. In the meantime, the Imperial Dwarf troopers failed to notice a thing. They eventually gave up and flew back to the waiting Darth Serpent Tongue.
Scene IX: After four hours of flying, singing, and silliness, Lord Voldewalker and his faithful serpent N2-G2 arrive at the Mordor System in search of the great Dark Lord Sauron.
Lord: Oooh, its dark down here. I can't see a thing.
Lord Voldewalker crashes his broomstick into a large foul-smelling swamp on the Mordor system.
Lord: Oops. Sorry N2-G2.
Voldewalker opens the cage and allows N2 to slither out. Before she makes it to dry ground, she is pulled under by the armoured arm of a corpse.
Lord: Oh no. Stupefy! Stupefy! Expelliarmus! Crucio!
Voldewalker continues jinxing everything in sight until suddenly N2-G2 is sent flying thru the air.
Lord: Ha, Ha. That was funny. You ought to do that again.
N2-G2 shoots him a withering look. The pair gets to the outskirts of the marsh and they set up camp. For some odd reason, the Comet 260 is left in the marsh.
Lord: This place is funny, you know. It's always dark, and smelly, and rock covered. There's nothing to eat, and it almost feels as though…
Sauron: Um, feels like what?
Lord: (pulls out wand saber) Like I'm being watched.
Sauron: Away with your weapon. No harm do I mean you.
As the mysterious newcomer approaches the crackling fire, Lord Voldewalker and N2-G2 get a clear view of a short little man wearing a very bulky, and ugly suit of armour. A ring is around is finger, and he carries a wooden walking stick.
Sauron: Why are you here?
Lord: I'm looking for someone.
Sauron: Found someone, you have. Heahahahahhaha.
Lord: No, I'm looking for a great, tall warrior to teach me the Dark Arts. You couldn't possibly be him. You're much to short.
Sauron: Great warrior. Hmmm…very tall…potentially dashing…you seek Sauron.
Lord: Do you know him? Wow! I haven't been this excited since I found out that my Uncle Morfin had been ground into sausage.
Sauron: Excited you must not be. Excitement leads to the light side of the Porsche. Come, this way. Lead you, I shall to Sauron the Great and All-Powerful.
Lord: Wow! This is almost like going on my own private tour of the Mordor System. N2, stay with the camp.
Scene X: In the tunnel, Captain Bill Solo and his valiant companions attempt to repair the cruise control and accelerator of the damaged Flying Ford Falcon. In the meantime, the Ministry of Magic continues to search for the rogue vessel.
Captain Creevey: (Via a two-way mirror transmission) Lord Serpent Tongue, the Flying Ford Falcon has flown into a cloud of angry birds. Based upon the amount of damage our Ridgeback Cruiser has suffered, they can't possibly be alive.
Darth: They are still out there, Captain Creevey. If you are successful, I will give you a signed picture of myself.
Captain Creevey: Wow! Very good, my Lord. It will be done.
The transmission ends. Admiral Peeveset, the commanding officer of the Imperial Dragon fleet, enters with an urgent message for Darth Serpent Tongue.
Admiral Peeveset: Excuse me, Professor Head, the Emperor wants you to make a transmission to him as soon as possible.
Darth: Very good. Move us away from the cloud of angry birds so as to ensure a clear transition.
Admiral Peeveset hovers out of the room to move the fleet. Darth Serpent Tongue goes to the Mirror of Erised where he patches thru a transmission to London.
Darth: What is thy bidding, my Master?
Emperor Scrimgeour: A new disturbance has appeared to the Porsche.
Darth: Really? I hadn't noticed.
Emperor Scrimgeour: Don't you act cheeky with me, Darth. This threat comes in the form of Lord Voldewalker. The heir of Slytherin must not become a Dark Lord.
Darth: Voldewalker—you don't mean that witless wonder from Episode IV?
Emperor Scrimgeour: The same.
Darth: Okay. If he could be turned, he would be a powerful asset in our arsenal.
Emperor Scrimgeour: Yeppers, he would indeed. Can it be done?
Darth: He will join us, or die, or escape, my Master.
Scene XI: In the Stranger's hut on the distant planet of Mordor.
Lord: Ooh, look at all the tasty food—roast of house elf, blood pudding, haggis…
Sauron: Eat it, you cannot. Eating tasty food leads to the light side of the Porsche.
Lord: Then what can I eat?
Sauron: A good question, that is. (The Stranger snaps his finger and a company of well-armed orcs enter the hut carrying a box of moldy dog biscuits.)
Lord: Ewww! I'm not eating that. Godric Gryffindobi said that the Dark side of the Porsche was enjoyable. He said I would like it and I don't.
Sauron: Hmmm. Complaining is the path to the light side of the Porsche. Complain you must not. Master O.G. Wan lied to you. Didn't tell you what he did before becoming a Dark Wizard Knight, did he? A thing of evil, Master O.G. Wan once was—a traveling salesman and telemarketer. Terrible things, they are. Even worse than Light Wizards, indeed. Why must you become a Dark Lord?
Lord: I guess because my Great-great-great-…. Grandfather was.
Sauron: Hmmm. Powerful Dark Lord was he. Powerful indeed.
Lord: And how would a short, ugly thing like you know that precisely? My Great-great-great… Grandfather died eons ago. I want to go home. I don't like it here.
Sauron: Teach him, I cannot. He complains far too much. Like an adolescent he is. Whines incessantly, he does. Just like his Great-great… ah heck with it, like Salazar Slytherin he is.
Godric: Was I any different when you taught me?
Lord: I hear dead people.
Sauron: Different were you. He is much too whiny to begin the training.
Godric: You will teach him the ways of the Porsche, Sauron.
Lord: Sauron, uh, I hope you realize I was only joking when I said you were short and ugly.
Sauron: (Shoots Lord Voldewalker a look of deepest dislike) Fine! Teach him I will. Hate him I do.
Lord: Godric, I don't want to become a Dark Lord anymore. Why didn't you tell me you were a telemarketer?
Godric: Voldewalker, do us a favor and be quiet. You will train to become a Dark Lord and that IS final.
Scene XII: In the tunnel, Captain Bill Solo and Company continue to repair the cruise control and accelerator of the Flying Ford Falcon. While Bill, Lupey, and Kreechio are working under the hood, Princess Fleur is sitting in the back seat. Suddenly, she feels a gigantic tug, as though something is pulling on the bumper.
Fleur: Bill, something is out there.
Bill: Out where?
Fleur: Outside pulling on the bumper.
Bill: I think that I just got this hunk of junk back together again. I'm not going to have something pull it apart.
Fleur: Well, I'm going with you.
Lupebacca: Ditto, ditto.
K-3R0: (cackles insanely) I think I'll just stay here and cut a hole in the gas tank. Heahahahahah.
Outside in the tunnel.
Bill: The air smells dank and deathlike.
Fleur: The walls feel sticky, as if covered in glue.
Lupebacca: Look at the size of that cobweb. What sort of creature could have done that?
Suddenly out of the Darkness, the sound of many legs come scuttling towards them. Thirty feet away from them, they see a cluster of eight white lights floating five feet in the air. Bill pulls out his wand blaster to blast the lights but his blast is reflected. Suddenly, he understands the answer to the ever-growing riddle.
Bill: Get back to the ship, now!
Fleur: Shouldn't we go back to see what it was?
Bill: I'm not discussing this in a committee. Get back to the ship, now. Lupey put the pedal to the metal.
The Flying Ford Falcon starts to accelerate just as a humongous spider appears in the rearview mirror. The Spider is slowly gaining on them.
Lupebacca: Must go faster, must go faster.
Fleur: Wait a moment, I have an idea.
Fleur jumps on the top of the Flying Ford Falcon and begins to dance her veela dance. The Spider stops moving forward and begins flexing its legs, mesmerized at the sight of the veela dance. This gives the ship time to escape into the sunset.
Bill: I knew we brought you along for a reason.
Scene XIII: At the Mordor System, Sauron begins training Voldewalker by having him climb up and down the slag hills before the Towers of the Teeth, carrying Sauron and two of his Orcs on his back.
Lord: Morfin was right. I never should have interfered with Dark Wizards. Oh, the pain, the agony…
Sauron: Quiet, you must be. Loudness is a path to the Light side of the Porsche. Climb onward you must. A Dark Wizard's strength flows from slag hills and volcanoes. But beware of the Light side. Once you go down the path to the Light side, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you it will, like O.G. Wan's apprentice.
Lord: Serpent Tongue. Oh, if Serpent Tongue offered me a blood-filled doughnut, I'd shake his hand.
Sauron: Right was O.G. Wan. A real winner are you.
Lord: Godric didn't say that. Stop lying. Tell the Truth!
Sauron: Control, control, control. You must learn control of your anger, for it is a path to the Light side. This is where we will stop today.
Lord: Yippee! I'm done for the day. Wahoo! Yay!
Sauron: Cheer you must not. Cheering leads to the Light side of the Porsche. For that, punished you must be. Into the hole of Evil things you must go to forge me rings of power. Beware, for you will be tempted by the Light side of the Porsche.
Lord: I won't be tempted. I'm Lord Voldewalker. Voldewalker's don't get tempted.
Lord Voldewalker walks into the hole of Evil things to forge rings of power, but is side-tracked by the smell of a feast. Instead of forging rings of power, Voldewalker eats everything in front of him with the result that he has a horrible stomach ache for the entire rest of the day.
Scene XIV: Aboard the Imperial battle dragon, the Hungarian Horntail.
Admiral Peeveset: Look at ickle bounty hunters. We don't need them, little squirts.
Imperial Officer: No sir, need them we don't.
Sauron enters with his improved electro-mace and whacks the officer.
Sauron: Inverted language, you shall not use. Only one may use inverted language on his Dark throne in Mordor where the shadows lie (Exits.)
Admiral Peeveset: Well that was interesting.
Darth: (Speaking to a group of bounty hunters including Dean the Ham, Seamus "Mad Dog" Finnegan, and Nevillo Fett.) There will be a substantial reward for the one who finds the Flying Ford Falcon. You are free to use any methods necessary, but I want them alive. No disintegrations.
Nevillo Fett: As you wish.
Admiral Peeveset: Excuse me, Professor Head. We have them.
Meanwhile, the Imperial cruiser Norwegian Ridgeback chases after the Flying Ford Falcon, breathing jets of fire at it as it goes along.
K-3R0: Out of the bird cage, we are. Kreechio thinks we'll be incinerated if we keep it up. Oh, what would my mistress think with my being with blood traitors and veela filth.
Bill: Shut it, you. Let's make the jump to cruise control.
Lupebacca tries to put it on cruise control, but can't due to the depleted amount of petrol in the tank.
Bill: Oh, no. It's not my fault.
Fleur: No cruise control and a quarter of a tank of gas and dropping.
Bill: Oh, well we can still out maneuver them. Turn it around.
The Flying Ford Falcon makes an about face and drives right towards the Ridgeback. From the bridge…
Captain Creevey: They're moving to attack position.
1st Mate Dennis: We're going to crash!
Captain Creevey: Duck! Where are they?
1st Mate Dennis: I don't see them, and I don't see them on the Marauder's Map.
Captain Creevey: Where are they? No ship that small can have a cloaking device.
1st Mate Dennis: Captain, Lord Serpent Tongue demands an update on the chase.
Captain Creevey: Get a Comet 260 ready. I'll assume full responsibility for loosing them and apologize.
Scene XV: On Mordor, Sauron continues to train Lord Voldewalker. This time, they are by the Dead Marshes. Sauron is issuing instructions to Voldewalker as he is levitating a host of orcs.
Sauron: Use the Porsche.
N2-G2 whistles and hisses as an arm extends from the depths of the Marshes and pulls the Comet 260 below the water below. Suddenly, an army of dead men, elves, and orcs rise from the marshes.
Lord: Eww. What do I do? Creepy things are walking towards me.
Sauron: The Porsche you must use. Use the Dark arts and defeat them you will.
Lord: Okay, I'll try.
Sauron: No, try not. Do, or do not. Trying is a path to the Light side of the Porsche.
Lord: Fine! Sectumsempra. Sectumsempra. Imperio. Go Away! Ahhhh. Help me. Ahhh!
Sauron: Humph. INCENDIO!
The Inferii slowly begin to incinerate, along with Voldewalker's broomstick.
Lord: I—I don't believe it.
Sauron: That is why you fail.
Scene XVI: During the search for the missing Flying Ford Falcon, Captain Creevey ventures to the Command Ship Horntail to meet with Darth Serpent Tongue and apologize for losing the Falcon.
Captain Creevey: Lord Serpent Tongue, uh, Sir. Do you remember how we said that we had the Flying Ford Falcon within our grasp? Um, well, we sort of lost it.
Darth: Okay. Everyone makes mistakes, Captain.
Captain Creevey: Can I have a signed photograph then, so I can prove to my folks that I have actually met you? Well?
Darth: As punishment for losing the Falcon—no.
Captain Creevey: That's unfair. In fact, it's beyond being unfair—it's downright mean.
Darth: Captain Creevey, perhaps you have forgotten that I am the central villain in this story; so therefore, I have the right to be mean. Were you implying that I am not mean enough?
Captain Creevey: Darn. This is one of those questions where you're cursed if you do, and cursed if you don't. Many apologies Lord Serpent Tongue.
Darth Serpent Tongue uses the Porsche to throttle Captain Creevey on the spot.
Darth: Apology accepted, Captain Creevey.
Motions for his Dwarf guards to remove the body of the unfortunate Captain, as it did nothing to improve the décor, and dinner was fast approaching.
Admiral Peeveset: Professor Head, sir. The fleet has completed its scan of the area and found nothing. If the Flying Ford Falcon accelerated really quickly, it could be on the other side of the Earth by now.
Darth: Alert all commands. Calculate every possible destination along their last known trajectory.
Admiral Peeveset: Yeah, all right, but I shan't do nothing if you don't say please.
Darth: Fine! Please.
Admiral Peeveset: Nothing! A double negative always makes a positive. Hahahhahahah.
Darth: Actually, there were three negatives in the sentence, so do it, dag nab it!
Admiral Peeveset: Fine. Alert all commands. Deploy the fleet.
A view of the Flying Ford Falcon attached to the back of the neck of the Horntail.
Bill: Well, I don't know what else we fixed, but at least we know the invisibility booster works.
K-3R0: Captain Solo, this time you have gone to far. I'm sick and tired of staying in constant danger with you all and I'm not going to take it anymore.
Bill: Lupey, duct tape him to the back of the seat. Thanks.
Fleur: So, what's your next move?
Bill: Well, if they follow standard Ministry guidelines, they'll dump their garbage before they fly off into the sunset.
Fleur: Then we can just float away with the rest of this junk.
Bill: Yeppers. Then we need to find a safe port of call.
Fleur: Where are we?
Bill: Bulgaria.
Fleur: Well, there's not much in Bulgaria except Viktor Krum.
Bill: Wait—that's interesting. Carlo!
Fleur: The country of Carlo?
Bill: No Carlo's a man. Carlo Calweasleyan. He's actually my younger brother. He's a cardsharp, gambler, bounty hunter—scum. You'd like him. Targoviste is a little far from here but I think we can manage.
Fleur: The Dragon Keepers' Colony?
Bill: Yeah. Carlo conned Hagga the Hutt out of it.
Fleur: Can you trust him?
Bill: No, but he's no friend of the Ministry of Magic. Lupey, stand by the parking brake—detach.
Lupebacca releases the parking brake enabling the Falcon to float away with Ministry junk. The Ministry Dragon Fleet fly away.
Fleur: You do have your moments. Not many but some.
Fleur kisses Bill, who drives the Falcon towards Targoviste. Unbeknownst to all, Kreechio has managed to reverse the invisibility booster, rendering the Falcon visible to unfriendly eyes. One such unfriendly being is the bounty hunter Nevillo Fett, who shadows the Falcon aboard his steed, the Witherwings I.
Scene XVII: Lord Voldewalker continues his training on the distant world of Mordor.
Voldewalker is standing on his head using his mind to lift a legion of orcs, while all the while forging many rings of power, which Master Sauron will sell to the public in his world-renown jewelry store.
Sauron: Feel the Porsche around you. It is everywhere. Through the Porsche, many things can you do. See old friends and friends not yet known you will. See the future and the past. All of this is in your grasp if you but feel the Porsche.
Lord: (Sees a vision). Bill…Fleur! Nooooo!
Lord Voldewalker falls over, and drops the legion of orcs and the rings of power. Sauron sighs in an obviously irritated manner.
Sauron: Control, control, you must learn control. What did you see?
Lord: I saw a vision of a city surrounded by dragons.
Sauron: Friends you have there. Where they in pain?
Lord: No. They…they…they found my secret jellybean stash under the wheel well of the Flying Ford Falcon, and they were eating them. The nerve of them.
Sauron: Hmmm. Always thinking with your stomach, you are. Thoughts of food are a path to the Light Side of the Porsche.
Lord: Will they eat them all?
Sauron: Hmmm. Difficult to say. Always emotions the future shows.
Lord: I must rescue my jellybeans.
Sauron: Decide you must how to serve them best. If you leave now, help them you could but destroy any chance of finding more jellybeans.
Scene XVIII: A view of the Flying Ford Falcon as it approaches the Dragon Keepers' Colony at the ruins of Targoviste.
Bill: (Via two-way mirror) No, I don't have a driver's license. I'm trying to reach Carlo Calweasleyan.
Dragon Keeper: If you maintain your present course, you will become dragon fodder.
Fleur: I thought this Carlo was a friend of yours.
Lupebacca: Well he was until you foreclosed his loan on the Flying Ford Falcon and took it as your own.
Bill: Ah, well. That was a long time ago. I'm sure he's forgotten about that.
Dragon Keeper: You may land at the southern gate to the city.
Bill: Thank you. See I told you—nothing to worry about.
Fleur: Who's worried?
The Flying Ford Falcon lands at the Southern Gate to find the gate locked. No one is around to unlock it.
Fleur: I don't like this.
Bill: Well, what would you like?
K-3R0: I'll bet they chop us into small little pieces. Serves you right, you twisted blood traitors.
Bill: Quiet you.
Suddenly the Gate opens to reveal Carlo Calweasleyan, his faithful aide Ron-bot, and a score of Dragon Keepers, all armed with wand blasters.
Bill: Behold my friend and younger brother.
Carlo: Why you no-good, double-crossing, swindler. It takes a lot of nerve crawling here after what you pulled.
Carlo walks to Bill and pretends to strike him. Instead, he seizes his elder brother and embraces him, laughing.
Carlo: How're you doing? What brings you to Romania?
Bill: Repairs. I was hoping you could help us out.
Carlo: What did you do to my enchanted, flying car?
Bill: Your enchanted, flying car? Hey, you lost her because you couldn't pay off your loan payments. I own her fair and square.
Carlo: And how are you doing Lupebacca? Still hanging around this loser?
Lupebacca: Yeah.
Carlo: Hello. And who is this lovely creature?
Fleur: Fleur.
Carlo: Welcome, Fleur. What's wrong with the Falcon?
Bill: Well, the invisibility booster works, but nothing else does. What's Ron doing here? What's that thing sticking out of his head?
Carlo: Well, do you remember a few years ago, in a galaxy not too far away, Ron was engaged to marry Hermione Granger? He ran off on her, and eloped with Lavender Brown. She found him, and blew half his head away. Lavender Brown has never been seen since. I found Ron, rebuilt his head, but his memory was destroyed. So I built a box that holds a pensieve. The pensieve is of thoughts concerning his former self. That is how he manages to think now a days.
Bill: Oh. That was bizarre.
The group enters the main building on Targoviste. Kreechio gets lost and stumbles upon a group of surly Dwarf Troopers who hack him into a hundred pieces and put him into a box of things to be ground into sausage.
Scene XIX: In Mordor, Sauron and O.G. Wan Gryffindobi attempt to persuade Lord Voldewalker to finish his training.
Sauron: Voldewalker, go you must not. You must complete your training.
Lord: I can't help it. That was my jellybean collection. I can't let it get eaten.
Godric: You don't know that they will be eaten. Perhaps this is just another Ministry plot. It is you and your abilities that the Emperor wants. That is why your jellybeans may be eaten.
Lord: I can't sacrifice them. I must go.
Godric: Fine. If you wish to go and save your jellybeans, you must do so alone. I can't help you.
Sauron: Don't give into a thirst for good food. That is a path to the Light side.
Lord: I won't. I will return. I promise.
Voldewalker hops onto a fell beast as his Comet 260 was previously destroyed. N2-G2 dangles from a rope beneath the beast. They fly off towards Romania.
Sauron: Told you, I did. Stupid is he. Now matters are worse.
Godric: That fellow is our last hope.
Sauron: No. There is another.
Scene XX: On the Dragon Keepers' Colony. Lupebacca has just stumbled upon the pieces of Kreechio on a tray of things to be made into sausage. He picks up the pieces and carries them back to a stunned Bill and Fleur.
Fleur: What happened?
Lupebacca: Oh, I found him in a meat packing room.
Fleur: Can you fix him?
Bill: Fix him? What would you want to fix him? At any rate, Carlo has people here who can fix him?
Fleur: I don't trust him. No thanks.
Enter Carlo Calweasleyan.
Carlo: Am I interrupting something?
Fleur: Not really.
Carlo: Well, I came for two reasons. Firstly, your car is nearly finished. Secondly, you all are invited for a brunch.
Bill: Oh, free food. Excellent.
Fleur: I don't know. I have a bad feeling about this. It's almost as if I feel the Ministry is about to spring a trap on us.
Bill: Come on, honey. Carlo would rather die than betray me. Come on.
They decide to go to the brunch. Carlo Calweasleyan suddenly looks uncomfortable.
Bill: Nice place you have here. How's the dragon colony working out?
Carlo: Oh, not bad. We are a small colony, far too small to be noticed by the Ministry of Magic Empire.
Fleur: Then you are part of the Fire-breathers Guild?
Carlo: No, which is advantageous for all as most of my clients do not wish to be noticed by anyone for any reason.
Fleur: But aren't you worried that the Ministry will find out about this place and shut you down?
Carlo: Well, of course, of course. It's loomed like a shadow over everything we have done here, but I have just made a deal that will keep the Ministry out of here forever.
Carlo opens a door to the main dining hall to reveal Darth Serpent Tongue sitting at the head of the table, looking menacing. Bill pulls out his wand-blaster and starts firing hexes at Serpent Tongue, who reflects them before summoning the blaster out of Bill's hand.
Darth: We would be honored if you would join us?
Lupebacca: Now you just wait right there, Mister. Since when is one man an "us?"
Darth: Don't be silly, wolf boy. I have a score of Dwarf Troopers and a bounty hunter with me.
Lupebacca: Prove it.
Darth Serpent Tongue whistles and a score of Dwarf Troopers march behind Bill & Co. In the meantime, the bounty hunter Nevillo Fett enters to stand next to Darth Serpent Tongue. Carlo and his aide, Ron-bot look guiltily around at them.
Carlo: I'm sorry. They got here an hour before you did.
Bill: I'm sorry too.
Scene XXI: In the main building in Targoviste. Lupebacca is being held in a prison cell with the remains of Kreechio. He begins stitching Kreechio back together again in a Frankenstein-esque manner. Bill is strapped to a chair and is about to be tortured by agents of the Ministry. Bill is being lowered near a nest of recently hatched blast-ended skrewts. He screams as the end blasts off one particularly large one. Lord Serpent Tongue leaves the scene to meet with Carlo and Nevillo Fett.
Carlo: Lord Serpent Tongue…
Darth: You may take Captain Solo to Hagga the Hutt after I have Voldewalker.
Nevillo Fett: He's no good to me dead.
Darth: He will not be permanently damaged.
Carlo: Lord Serpent Tongue, what about Fleur and the Werewolf?
Darth: They must never again leave this city.
Carlo: That was never a condition of our agreement, nor was giving Bill to the bounty hunter.
Darth: Perhaps you think your being treated unfairly?
Carlo: Yea—no, no, definitely not.
Darth: Good, because it would be a pity if I had to leave a garrison here.
Darth Serpent Tongue leaves.
Carlo: This deal is getting worse all the time. Hey, you, bounty hunter.
Nevillo Fett: Yes?
Carlo: How could you do that to Bill? You always liked the Bill, Fleur, and Professor Lupebacca.
Nevillo Fett: Yeah, well my Gran always said I'm not as good as my Dad, so I decided to outdo him by capturing my former colleagues. It isn't personal, it's only business.
Meanwhile in another region of the Colony, Lupebacca is stitching Kreechio back together.
K-3R0: Yes, yes that feels good. Wait, wait, my head's been stitched on backwards you overgrown half-breed moron. Only a half-breed could be so incredibly stupid…
Lupebacca knocks Kreechio's head off again. The door to the cell opens and Bill Solo is dumped on the ground. Princess Fleur is forced thru yet another door.
Fleur: Why are they doing this to us?
Bill: They didn't even ask me any questions.
The door opens yet again as Carlo Calweasleyan enters, flanked by six Dragon Keepers.
Bill: Get out of here, Carlo…
Carlo: Shut it you. Lord Serpent Tongue has agreed to leave Fleur and Lupey in the city. At least they will be safe.
Fleur: What about Bill?
Carlo: Serpent Tongue's giving him to the bounty hunter.
Fleur: Serpent Tongue wants us all dead.
Carlo: Serpent Tongue doesn't want you at all. He's after some guy called…Voldewalker. Serpent Tongue set a trap…
Fleur: And we're the bait.
Carlo: Well, he's on his way.
Bill: Great job, you.
Bill punches Carlo. The Dragon Keepers retaliate by attacking Bill. Carlo stops the fight.
Carlo: I'm sorry I can't do better but I have enough on my plate as it is.
Bill: Yeppers. You're some hero.
Carlo and Co. exit the room.
Fleur: You certainly have a way with people.
In yet another part of the complex…
Darth: This chamber seems crude, but it should prove sufficient for transporting Voldewalker for his meeting with the Emperor.
Carlo: Lord Serpent Tongue, we only use the Basilisk Room to petrify undesirables. If you put him in there, the Basilisk may eat him.
Darth: I do not want the Emperor's prize damaged. You will test it on Captain Solo.
A short while later, Bill & co. enter the chamber. Kreechio is partially assembled.
K-3R0: If only you stitched on my legs, I wouldn't be in this ridiculous pose. Filthy half-breed.
Bill: What's going on, brother?
Carlo: You're going to be petrified.
Nevillo Fett: What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me.
Darth: The Ministry will compensate you if he dies. Put him in.
An enraged Lupebacca attacks the approaching Dwarf Troopers and pushed five of them in the Basilisk Room. They are all eaten. He would have killed more had Bill not stopped him.
Bill: Lupey, stop now! This won't help me. The Princess—you must take care of her. You understand that, you great lump?
Fleur comes forward to kiss Bill. They are separated by Dwarf Troopers who move Bill onto a lift.
Fleur: I love you.
Bill: I know.
After a very dramatic and emotional scene, Bill is lowered into the pit. Several seconds later, the lift is resurfaced to find Bill lying stiff on the floor.
Darth: Is he alive, Calweasleyan?
Carlo: Yeah. He's petrified.
Darth: Okiedokee. He's all yours, bounty hunter. Reset the lift for Voldewalker. Calweasleyan, take the Princess and the Werewolf to my broomstick.
Carlo: You said that they would be left in the city under my supervision.
Darth: I am altering the deal, and pray I don't alter it any further.
Scene XXII: Lord Voldewalker's fell beast lands expelling Voldewalker and his faithful companion N2-G2. He prowls thru the city and meets up with Nevillo Fett and his contingent of Dwarf Troopers who are taking the petrified Bill Solo to the Witherwings I. Nevillo fires several shots from his wand-blaster to alert the other Dwarf Troopers. Shortly afterwards, Voldewalker meets up with Carlo Calweasleyan, Fleur, Lupey, Kreechio and several Dwarf Troopers.
Fleur: Voldewalker, it's a trap. Run, hide, it's a trap.
Instead of listening to Fleur, Voldewalker walks into a passageway that takes him to the annex where the Basilisk Room is located. Carlo sees the way the winds are blowing and contacts Ron-bot with instructions.
At the Basilisk Room…
Darth: The Porsche is with you, young Voldewalker, but you are not a Dark Lord yet.
Lord: Where are my jellybeans?
Darth Serpent Tongue pulls out Voldewalker's stash of jellybeans and begins eating them.
Lord: No. Stop eating them! If you eat one more…
Darth Serpent Tongue pours the entire contents of the bag into his mouth. Enraged, Voldewalker runs forward and falls into the Basilisk room.
Darth: All too easy. Perhaps you're not as bright as the Emperor thought.
Voldewalker sneezes. The force of the sneeze is so great that it propels him out of his present predicament and into Serpent Tongue, who falls over.
Darth: Impressive, young one.
They fight and Voldewalker defeats Serpent Tongue in the short run. Voldewalker aparates to the highest point in the colony.
Scene XXIII: Carlo and Co. are flanked by Dwarf Troopers. Suddenly, Ron-bot and a contingent of Dragon Keepers appear and disarm the Dwarf Troopers. Carlo hands a throwing axe and a wand-blaster to Lupebacca and Fleur.
Carlo: (To Ron-bot) Good work. Lock them up. Then follow me to the Flying Ford Falcon.
Fleur: What are you doing?
Carlo: We're getting out of here.
K-3R0: Well, the filthy blood-traitor brat talks as though he has sense. I know better.
Fleur: Do you think we're going to trust you after what you did to Bill?
Lupebacca begins strangling Carlo.
Fleur: Do you honestly believe we are going to trust you after what you did to Bill?
Carlo: I had no choice.
Fleur: Yeah, tell it to the judge.
Carlo: B-b-b-b-bill.
Fleur: What?
Carlo: B-b-b-b-bill.
K-3R0: It sounds like he's saying "Bill."
Carlo: There's still a chance you can save Bill. North Gate.
Lupebacca releases Carlo and he and Fleur run towards the North Gate.
K-3R0: Sorry about that. However, these stupid half-breeds are even worse then you.
At the North Gate…
Nevillo Fett: Tie Captain Solo to the underside of the Witherwings 1.
Nevillo Fett hops aboard his faithful steed. Fleur, Lupey, etc. arrive just as Nevillo flies off.
K-3R0: Oh, no Lupey. Dwarf troopers are behind you.
A short battle ensues as our heroes run towards the South Gate and freedom. Along the way, they meet up with N2-G2. They nearly reach the South Gate, when they are stopped by a closed door.
Carlo: The password's been changed.
K-3R0: N2, there's a keyhole right there. You can pick the lock.
N2 pushes her tail into the "keyhole," which is actually an electrical outlet. Lupebacca pulls N2 out before she is completely fried—which was, no doubt, Kreechio's reason for sending her to do this job.
Carlo: Sonorus. Attention all. This is Carlo Calweasleyan, the administrator of this facility. The Ministry of Magic has taken control of this facility. I advise you to leave before more Dwarf Troopers arrive. Quietus. Hoy, you all, this way.
They all make it to the South Gate and to the waiting Flying Ford Falcon unscathed. Ron-bot is already on board, asleep.
Scene XXIV: At the highest point in the Dragon Keeper's Colony. Lord Voldewalker has been prowling around, looking for Darth Serpent Tongue. Serpent Tongue jumps out at him and in the fight, he slices off Voldewalker's hand.
Darth: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you.
Voldewalker steadies himself by a small wall. Outside of the wall, there is nothing, but a two hundred foot drop.
Darth: Voldewalker, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your powers. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order across the Earth.
Lord: You ate my jellybeans. I won't do anything.
Darth: If only you knew the power of the Light Side. O.G. Wan never told you what happened to your Great-great-great-great…Grandfather.
Lord: He told me enough. He told me you killed him.
Darth: No, Voldewalker. I am your Great-great-great-ah heck with it. I am Salazar Slytherin.
Lord: No. No. That's no true. If it were, you would be really, really old.
Darth: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Lord: No! No!
Darth: Voldewalker, you can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen this. Join me, and we can rule the world as, well, you know.
Voldewalker slips and falls backwards off the top of the building. He slides down until his cloak catches on a long nail. He hovers 90 feet off the ground.
Lord: Godric, help me!
There is no answer.
Lord: Sauron, or anyone, help me!
On board the Flying Ford Falcon…
Fleur: We've got to go back. I know where Voldewalker is.
Carlo: What about the Ministry?
Fleur: Lupey, just do it.
The Flying Ford Falcon turns around. They open the top hatch and pull Voldewalker into the Falcon, before flying off.
Fleur: Look at that Imperial Horntail battle cruiser.
On board the Hungarian Horntail…
Darth: Admiral Peeveset, did your men cut a small hole in the gasoline tank.
Admiral Peeveset: Yes, Darth Pin Head. They should be out of gas right around now.
Darth: Very good, Admiral. Get ready to suck them on board. Set your weapons to stun.
On the Flying Ford Falcon…
Lupebacca: Darn, we're out of gas.
Fleur: What do we do now?
Lord: Oh, no. Serpent Tongue is on that ship.
Darth: Voldewalker, come with me.
Lord: (stuffs his fingers in his ears and begins to hum loudly) I'm not listening; I'm not listening. Hum, hum, hum…
Darth: Stupid fool. This leads me to question the Emperor's sanity.
K-3R0: Where are you going, you stupid little snake? You haven't finished stitching my last leg on. Do you honestly believe you can fix the gas tank? It's over.
N2-G2 slithers to the underside of the vehicle and deposits an old piece of chewing gum over the hole in the tank. She then slithers back on board and steals Ron-bot's bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky and deposits it into the tank. Carlo presses the accelerator lightly, and the Flying Ford Falcon shoots forward at the speed of light. From the bridge of the Hungarian Horntail, Darth Serpent Tongue watches this and chuckles to himself, as the Porsche has told him that the snake had more sense than anyone else aboard.
Scene XXV: At the Rebel camp near Minsk. Madam Pomfrey is conjuring up a silver hand to replace the one Lord Voldewalker lost in his epic battle with Darth Serpent Tongue. Princess Fleur, K-3R0, and N2-G2 are with him. They are communicating with Carlo Calweasleyan and Remus J. Lupebacca, who are on board the newly repaired Flying Ford Falcon.
Carlo: When we find Hagga the Hutt and that bounty hunter, we'll let you know. Princess, don't worry. We'll find Bill. I promise.
Lord: Great news. I'll meet you at the rendezvous point near Hagga's hut. Lupey, I'll be waiting for your signal. Take care you two. May the Porsche be with you.
Madam Pomfrey completes Voldewalker's new hand.
Lord: Wow! I wonder, if I melted it down, how many jellybeans do you think I could get?
K-3R0, Fleur, and N2-G2: Stupid git.
In the Mordor System, Sauron uses the Porsche to see the situation…
Sauron: Stupid fool, he is. Jellybeans are a path to the Light side. One can only hope he learns that in Episode VI.
Carlo and Lupebacca fly off into the sunset, leaving everyone except for Bill very happy and content.
The End Until Next Time, if Indeed there is a Next Time