I awoke one morning to the sight of snow blanketing everything in a layer of white powder. Winter had come to the Cloud Recesses and the land of Gusu much sooner than I had expected. Being from Canada, I was no stranger to the freezing cold, especially when temperatures plummeted to -30 degrees Celsius. There were even winters that were so bad that it was enough to cause power outages and cover everything in a layer of solid ice. There was even one year where I had to literally walk through a raging blizzard in several feet of snow just to get to school on time. By the time I had gotten there, my entire body was red and numb from the winds constantly blasting me and I had a layer of frost clinging to all the exposed parts of my face. All in all, it was a terrible experience.

How did winter in this world compare to winters back at home? While not as cold as the Canadian winters I was used to, it was still freezing here! Though, that may have also been due to the Cloud Recesses being located in the mountains. The skies of China back in my world were always filled with smog and pollution so thick that you couldn't even see a sliver of that beautiful blue sky it was hiding. As a result of this constant pollution, it would have been a lot warmer there than anywhere else in the world. But because the China I was in was untainted by the industrial revolution, I was not expecting winter here to be just as bad as the ones in Canada.

The snow makes a soft crunching noise beneath our feet as I walk with Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji along the buried gravel pathways out of the residential area. The sound of birdsong still fills the air despite the bitter cold. In one hand is a basket filled with snacks and other goodies. My other gloved hand is firmly grasping Wei Wuxian's own hand so as not to get left behind. Even with the hood of my cloak pulled over my head, my ears were still stinging from the cold. Today was the day that I was going to have to go back to that Xichen person's cottage and apologize to him for wandering onto his property without permission and nearly giving him a heart attack.

"A-Yao, are you going to be okay today?" I ask him as we approached the entrance of the woods.

There was a tense silence from him. Of course it was going to be painful and awkward for him. This WAS his ex-boyfriend/lover we were talking about here. You don't just move on from a breakup that easily. Especially in the manner I had seen him getting his heart broken in.

"I'LL BE FINE, LIHUA," he tells me.

Even though he says he'll be fine, our psychic connection with each other said otherwise. I could feel the sadness and turmoil in him flowing through me down to the bones. He could hide what he was feeling all he wanted from me, but thanks to our link, that meant that I could easily read him like a book.

"A-Yao, you don't have to lie about how you're feeling. I know you're nervous about seeing that Xichen person again," I tell him, "If things get too intense for you, I could always fake a stomach ache to get you out of having to face him."

I hear him let out a small huff that almost sounded like an amused snort. Despite how much turmoil his heart was in, he still somehow manages to laugh like this.

"LOOKS LIKE I CAN'T HIDE MUCH FROM YOU CAN I?" he says, "THANKS FOR YOUR OFFER, BUT I DON'T THINK YOUR MASTERS ARE GOING TO BE TOO AMUSED WITH YOU SHIRKING YOUR WAY OUT OF AN APOLOGY. THOUGH I…I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO FACE HIM IN THE STATE THAT I'M IN."

Guangyao was the one person that I was going to be constantly worrying about today. Despite the fact that he had broken up with Xichen goodness knows how many years ago, I could tell that he still had feelings for him. You don't just bare your heart and soul so easily to just anyone, especially where homosexual love was concerned. He was going to have to face the consequences of his actions sooner or later. This was just one of those consequences. Love was a strange and dangerous emotion that left deep scars in you when someone decides to take advantage of those feelings and spit on them. I grew up in a chaotic and violent enough environment to know about how temperamental and rare genuine love was.

That day Guangyao freaked out badly enough to leave me violently ill? Those feelings he still had for Xichen were as real and as genuine as the emotions that flowed through my veins. His memories of his time together with him said more than enough about how deep their love was for each other. It wasn't just a fling, but something serious enough that they were even considering having a family together. But even then, it still didn't stop him from running a sword through his chest. How badly had they hurt each other to the point where death was the only option? And had Guangyao really meant it when he said that he hadn't meant to hurt Xichen with all the horrible crimes he'd committed? These were lingering questions I still had for him, even if we'd wound up becoming closer with each other. Though he'd opened up to me about the crimes he'd committed when he was still alive, I still wondered how many more secrets he was keeping from me.

"It's going to be okay," I assure him, "I'll be here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on, just give me a heads up before then."

We finally arrive at a certain two story cottage in the middle of the woods. It was a modest looking place not unlike the other buildings I've seen around the Cloud Recesses. The plume of smoke coming out of the chimney meant that there was someone still inside. I watched as Lan Wangji knocked against the wooden door with his knuckles.

"Xiong zhang?" he called out. "Are you there?"

There's a brief moment of silence from the other side of the door before a shuffling noise is heard. Then I hear the muffled sounds of footsteps approaching. I'm not even sure if it's me that's feeling nervous or Guangyao that's experiencing these emotions. Whatever the case may be, my stomach is doing cartwheels and I almost feel my heart pounding out of my chest. This was the moment of truth, the moment where I would be going face to face with a ghost from his past.

"You know what to do right?" asks Wei Wuxian as I handed him the basket that I was holding on to. "Just like how we practiced doing it."

I nodded to him as I watched the door creak open with a moan. Sure enough, standing before me was Lan Xichen himself in the flesh. The man I had seen in Jin Guangyao's memories from so long ago was an ethereal, handsome and calm man with a smile that could melt even the iciest of hearts. This man before me however looked haggard and a bit worse for wear. Although he was still a tall and well-built man with broad shoulders like Lan Wangji, he looked so thin and fragile that I thought that a breeze could knock him over.

His high cheekbones further empathized how gaunt his face was and his dull brown eyes were sunken in and rimmed by dark circles underneath them. It's apparent that he hasn't been taking very good care of himself by the fact that he looked as pale and sickly as I did when I was going through chemotherapy. He didn't have his hair up in its usual prim and proper topknot. Instead, it was tied into a loose and messy ponytail off to the side. I could see how dull, matted, and brittle to the touch it looked. He wore very plain and simple grey robes that were slightly stained with an unknown substance in some places and was missing his forehead ribbon. He radiated an air of sadness that you couldn't help but feel yourself getting sucked into. A notification window pops up in my vision, only this time; it's accompanied by an unknown male voice.

"ACCESSING DATABASE. CHARACTER PROFILE FOUND. NAME: LAN HUAN. COURTESY NAME: LAN XICHEN. AGE: 40. OCCUPATION: SECT LEADER OF GUSU LAN AND OLDER BROTHER TO LAN WANGJI."

I don't even have time to ponder over who this new unknown voice is. I was too busy freaking out over a sudden realization brought about by this new information being revealed to me. It wasn't just ANY person Guangyao had fallen in love with. It was a goddamned sect leader AND the older brother to one of my benefactors! I could see how much he resembled Lan Wangji, even as bad as he looked right now, the resemblance was uncanny. Though by the way he dressed, you couldn't even tell that he even WAS a sect leader.

I thought back to that memory of Xichen breaking up with him. If they both were normal people living my time, their relationship would have worked out. But because they were both in positions of power, there was more pressure on them to produce heirs so that they could pass leadership down from generation to generation. No wonder Guangyao took it so hard when he and Xichen broke it off.

"Wangji…" I hear him rasp out, "what are you doing here today?" His voice is soft and cracked, like he hadn't spoken a word in years from disuse. I hadn't noticed this before when I came here the first time, but I did now. This wasn't the voice of a normal, well-adjusted person. No, this was a voice that had an otherworldly weariness to it. It was the same flavour my voice took on after my Grandma and Dana had passed away.

"Xichen-ge," says Wei Wuxian as he puts both arms out and bows to him. "We brought someone that we'd like you to meet."

I can feel Wei Wuxian putting a hand on my back and gently nudging me forward. I momentarily feel like a deer in headlights when I register Xichen's confused and intrigued expression on his face. His gaze makes me squirm and fidget nervously as I'm momentarily at a loss for what to do. My cheeks begin to burn as I begin to fight the urge to run and hide behind Wei Wuxian's legs.

"A-ah… h-hello…" I say sheepishly to him.

Almost immediately, I feel a surge of sadness and guilt coursing through me again. No not now! Was Guangyao going to freak out again? I did not come all the way back out here in the forest to run off into the bushes to vomit and pass out again! I'd already scared this man enough as it was and I wasn't going to do it again! I had to properly apologize to him no matter what.

"ER-GE…" I hear Guangyao utter out in a choked voice thick with emotion. "NO, LIHUA, I…I CAN'T DO THIS…"

He almost sounded like he was going to start crying again. I could feel the tears stinging and pricking at my eyes as a burning sensation in my chest began to take hold there. It hurt so much! I couldn't really blame him for it. This WAS his ex that he was seeing again after so long. He had a history with him, something that I couldn't take lightly.

"Guangyao! I know you're freaking out right now but PLEASE calm the hell down!" I tell him as I get into position. "I can't apologize to someone if I'm off getting sick again!"

Wei Wuxian seems to have noticed the distress on my face because I see his grey-purple eyes looking into my own as he bends down to look to me. What face was I making at him? I feel him giving my shoulders a small squeeze as a worried look crosses onto his face.

"Xiao-hua, are you okay?" he asks me. "You're looking very pale. Are you feeling sick again?"

I quickly wipe the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand and then make a dramatic show of clutching my stomach and groaning as loudly as possible. Both Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen both have matching confused and alarmed looks on their faces when they see me. Being a former theatre kid had its quirks after all.

"O-o-ohhh no, my stomach!" I gasp, "W-will you excuse for a moment? I ahh… need to go to relieve myself. I'll be right back! I promise!"

I can hear both Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian calling out after as I dash into the bushes again. I hated lying to them again, but when you've got a volatile and emotional ghost attached to you, you don't really get a say in things, especially one on the verge of having a panic attack. I run as far as I can, away from prying eyes and ears until I'm in a dense clearing surrounded by underbrush and trees. There are now tears flowing from my eyes and an intense pain in my chest that was impossible to ignore.

I guess today seemed like the time to start putting this theory of mine to good use. I theorized that if I could see a golden core while meditating, then I should be able to use this for strengthening my link with Guangyao as well as being able to access the that dimension where he is without having to sleep. Sweeping some snow away from a big rock, I check to see if there's anyone around and sit on it lotus style. I close my eyes and begin to concentrate on my task. Instead of visualizing a golden core this time, I try to imagine a door instead. I can now see it clear as day in front of me. I pull it open and step inside. I had someone in the midst of a panic attack to confront.

I see Guangyao with a panicked and terrified expression on his face, something I've never seen him doing before. He's pacing back and forth in circles muttering something to himself that I can't understand. But from his tone, he didn't sound very happy about it. He sounded like he was near tears seeing Xichen again. Was this man on the verge of yet another freak out?

"A-Yao?" I call out cautiously, "do you want to talk about it?"

He seems to have noticed me and recomposes himself. But I knew that there was chaos brewing underneath that unflappable and composed mask of his.

"Lihua? What are you doing here?" he asks me. "Shouldn't you be apologizing to E-I mean, Lan Xichen?"

"I…I came in here because I felt how much pain you were in through our link," I told him.

I take a hold of his hand and squeeze it gently. For the first time, I notice how cold and clammy it felt. He pulls his hand away from me looking indignant.

"I'm fine!" he tells me. "Really –"

"Don't lie to me!" I angrily snap at him. "You can say that 'you're fine' all you want, but I can read you like a book! You're not fine at all! I can feel it throughout my body! That heart of yours is in turmoil! Those tears leaking out from my eyes right now in the real world are yours!"

Guangyao takes a few steps back from me, his lips pressed into a thin, even line and glaring daggers at me.

"You shouldn't be sticking your nose into my affairs," he says, narrowing his eyes at me. "That goes for my emotions and my relationships, too. How I am feeling is none of your business."

"I… I'm worried about you!" I tell him, looking away. "I want to apologize to Xichen for scaring him with my antics, but not while you're suffering too! Won't you please talk to me?"

Guangyao looks at me, unsure of what to say or do. Then I see him turning his face away from me, biting his lower lip to keep from going into hysterics and gripping his outer robe in his fist.

"That Xichen person… he really meant the world to you right?"

I hear a sniffling noise from him and see tears in his eyes. Looks like I was right. The thin line he had pressed his lips into became tighter, almost like he was biting down on them in a vain attempt to not bare any more of his heart to me. I could see thin trails of blood trickling from his lips down his chin. The pained look in his eyes said more than enough about how he felt about that man. He didn't need to say another word as I came up to him and gently squeezed his shoulder. I could now see the tears rolling down his cheeks, there was no use trying to put on a brave face anymore. This was what it meant to be to open up to someone else. He's seen me being emotionally vulnerable multiple times by this point, so to let him see him like this meant that he's starting to trust me with this side of him.

"It's okay A-yao," I tell him with a smile, "Take it one step at a time. I know it's hard seeing your ex again, but I've got your back. I may be the one apologizing to him, but we're doing this together whether you like it or not."

It's then that I hear Wei Wuxian's voice echoing outside. Damnit, I was in the middle of something good here! I was probably going to write twice as much lines now… At least they weren't going to make me do handstands in the snow.

"I think you'd be heading back now, those two don't sound very happy." He says as he dabs at his eyes with a handkerchief. "I'll make sure you get to properly apologize to Er-ge. I'll…make sure to control myself."

I made a show of readjusting my clothes in an exaggerated manner and dusting off my hands as Wei Wuxian found me. He indeed was not amused by me running off again and lectured me all the way back to Xichen's cottage while holding my hand in a vice like iron grip.

"….and you should have relieved yourself before we went here! You scared all three of us when you ran off again! Do you LIKE getting yourself into trouble?"

The two Lan brothers seemed to be in deep conversation outside by the time we got back. This time I needed to add an additional thing to my apology to him. How did they do that salute again? Oh right! I plant both of my feet squarely together as I cover one of my hands with the other one and extend my arms out in front of me. I bend at the hips as I close my eyes and dip my head downwards in a perfect salute.

"I'm sorry for trespassing and scaring you" I say to him keeping my head bowed low, "It was w-wrong of me to do so. I hope that you may forgive this foolish disciple."

"Please raise your head."

I look up to see Lan Xichen with a faint smile on his face.

"It's okay," he says in his cracked and hoarse voice. "I forgive you. Just please don't visit me if you're not feeling well. Stay home and rest."

I also do the salute to Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji too. I owed these two a LOT of apologies for getting myself into my trouble than you shake a fist at.

"This foolish girl also apologies for running off without permission and constantly making you worry. Please forgive me. I promise not to scare you like this anymore."

"We forgive you," says Wei Wuxian. "But don't think you're off the hook yet."

"You will be writing more lines when we get back home" says Lan Wangji sternly. "And in addition, you are prohibited from visiting the rabbits for two weeks."

"What? But Hanguang-jun! That's not fair!" I tell him.

"Do you want to be banned from visiting them for three weeks then?" asks Wei Wuxian.

"…Two weeks it is…" I grumble.

"Alright, alright, that's enough of that," says Xichen as he opens the door to the cottage and ushers us all inside. "Let's get you inside shall we? You must be freezing standing out here."

This was going to be a very long visit…

Author's Notes: So I wrote this chapter thinking about all the Ontarian winters I've lived through over the years. And yes, I have sometimes walked through literal blizzards to get from one place to another. That place being to a meeting place with my mentors when I was doing my thesis in college. Never again! OTZ

And that bit about everything being covered in a layer of solid ice causing power outages? that happened to me too! good thing I was going out of the country for a vacation to not have to experience the full repercussions of staying in a dark and freezing house during Christmas...