Chapter 7: Dude! I'm the one! Excellent!

Note: Who likes the Matix? Who likes to make fun of the Matrix? If you answered yourself to any of these questions read on. Not as long though, iuts just fillet for the finale.

"Hello everyone," Rage said to the readers "before we start today's parody and reveal the precisely who is starring in the major roles we have a small problem to deal with. the first of course is that the Matrix is not technically politcal. But it has an underlying demographic of counter-culture in it. You know, world is a lie, rage againist the machine, wear black, basically everything Negativeman believes in."

Negativeman sat to the side whimpering

"Everything is a lie, even my life." He said sadly

"Sad, sad, lonely man." Rage acknowledged before turning back to the readers "Anyway, to make sure the Titans can handle doing a parody of this magnitude I have sent them all to take Matrix philosophy classes. Which, as we all know, are a complete and total waste of time. This is due to the fact that most philosphies connected to the Matrix are complete and total crap and have little relevance to one's life."

Cyborg burst in at this time in a rage

"I want five hours of my life back!" He demanded

"I warned you it was pointless didn't I." Rage reminded him

"I still want those five hours back!" Cyborg pressed

"Do I look like god to you?" General Rage asked

"You have a cult of followers." Cyborg said pointing to a group of praying white robed monks nearby

"Praise be to our lord the General." They chanted

"Not now!" Rage said as he closed the curtains to keep them out of sight and turned back to Cyborg "Anyway Cy, we have more important matters than you lost time to attend to."

"What do you mean?" Cyborg asked

"Robin is still in the hospital" Rage explained "and Starfire won't go on as Trinity unless he is Neo. We basically have two open spots."

"So what do we do?" Cyborg asked

"We must consult the mystical orb of parody!" Rage announced

"The what?" Cyborg asked confused

"The mytical orb of parody!" Rage repeated before placin a small glowing orb on the table in front of them

"The orb," Rage explained "is the main knowledge source for all parodies. To not heed its wisdom is to doom your franchise. That's what happened to the Scary Movie series."

"So," Cyborg began to ask "this orb will tell us who to cast as Neo and Trinity?"

"Correct my metalic friend." Rage acknowledged as he began to wave his hand over the orb. "Oh great and mystical orb of parody," he chanted "tell us who is to play the part of Neo and Trinity?" Then Rage stopped waving

"Well?" Cyborg asked confused

"It says we should cast the next man and woman to come through that door." Rage told him

Cyborg was surprised by the answer

"Thats awfully specific."

"The orb doesn't beat around the bush," Rage explained "its always straight to the point."

Just then Beastboy entered through the specified door

"Hey guys," said Beastboy "we're out of Tofu. I think Silkie got to it. Do you know where I could find a place that sells the stuff around here?"

Rage's eyes went wide

"Beastboy have I got a proposition for you." He as said as he placed an arm arounf Beastboy "How would you like to play Neo in the Matrix parody?"

"I thought that was Robin's part." Beastboy stated

"Not anymore," Rage said handing him the script "here take the script and go study your lines" and with that he pushed BB off the stage

"So that solves one problem." Cyborg acknowledged

Then Raven entered through specified door talking on cell phone

"Yeah, can you move the poetry reading up to next week?...I can't make it...Rage is making me do another one of his parodies...yeah I know they're pointless...I'll seeya another time then...bye Dan." She then hanged up

"Raven have I got a part for you," Rage said placing an arm around her "how would you like to play as Trinity in the Matix parody?"

"I though that part was Star's." Raven stated

"Robin is still recovering from the Steroid thing." Rage explained "She won't go on without him."

"Okay, I guess I could be Trinity." Raven accepted "Who is Neo then?"

Beastboy suddenly returned

"You know what," He said "I think I can do this. I mean I'm basically playing a character done by Keaneu Reeves and all he keeps saying is dude."

"HIM!" Raven shouted in shock

"Yes, him." Rage told her

"Oh my freaking god!" Raven said feeling like she would faint

"Why is she freaking?" Beastboy asked

"She's Trinity." Rage told him

"She is!"

"Yes." Rage repeated rather annoyed

Raven and BB looked awkwardly at each other for awhile.

Beastboy tired to make the first move

"So uh..."

"You know what?" Raven interupted "Fine! I don't care! As long as it means I have one less film to go through till the finale I'll do it! I don't care if I have several romantic scenes with him! I'm going to my room. I need to practice! No one comes in!"

And she stomped off the set

"Romantic scenes?" Beastboy asked in shock

"She gets real close to your ear and whispers in it once or twice I think." Rage told him

Beastboy suddenly felt hot under the collar

"I need a cold shower." the green Titan worried

"Oh don't start acting that way you big baby." Rage said realising what was happening here "I'd pay money to be in that position." Just the a Dark-matter encased garbage can lid hit General Rage in the face

"I AM NOT A WHORE!" Raven shouted in anger

"Damn she's touchy." Rage stated "Places everyone, we have a parody to shoot."

"So what else are me and Raven gonna do?" Beastboy asked

"You didn't watch the second film did you?" Rage asked back

"Whats in the second film?" Beastboy asked once more

"Nothing." Rage said rather slyly

"It isn't a..." Then Beastboy realised "oh my god it is!"

"This thing is rated T for teen Beastboy." Rage assured

"Shower! Cold shower!" Beastboy said running off

"Freak." Rage said to himself

(Opening bunch of police cars outside a Hello Kitty factory)

Policeman: Why are we chasing this girl again?

Captain: She's a hacker.

Policeman: Then why is she here precisely?

Captain: I have no idea.

(Swat team members fall out the windows)

Swat guy: Applesauce! (Splats on ground)

(Girl they are chasing jumps out the window and soars like twenty feet before landing with a thud near a phone booth)

Captain: Well that was freaky.

(Girl, who is Raven, tries calling the phone)

Raven: Operator get me outta here.

Phone: The number you have dialed is no longer in service, please try again.

Raven: Oh son of a...! (Dials again)

Phone: Hello, you have reached the operator's emergency hotline. If you need guns, please, press one. If you have questions about the nature of the matrix please press two. If you are being attacked by agents and are being murdered please stay on the line. If you wish for a light cycle, you're in the wrong film about computers. If you wish to get the hell outta there just scream like a mad man.

Raven: GET ME OUTTA HERE YOU STUPID PIECE OF CRAP!

Phone: Your request is not being registered, would you like to be transfered to an actual human? If so press one now. If you'd like to choose who to be transfered to, press two now. If you'd just like to teleported back to the real world, press three now.

(Raven presses three a million times because shes pissed and escapes the matrix)

(Later at BB's working place, BB's sleeping at his desk and getting poked with a stick by his co-worker)

BB's co-worker: Hey, dude. Wake up dude. Dude.

BB: (Wakes up suddenly) Huh! What? I'm awake!

Co-Worker: Your computer keeps ringing about how you got mail. Answer it so I can continue goofing off with my game of solitaire.

BB: Oh sorry. (Answers e-mail as the co-worker leaves)

Email reads: Beastboy, go to the back alley and meet a hot sexy leather clad babe. Free pancakes.

BB: Dude. I'm gonna score. And get Pancakes! Excellent! (Air gituar)

(Beastboy rushes outside and meets Cyborg)

BB: Hey you ain't hot babe! And where's my pancakes?

Cyborg: Listen this film's opening is real slow and we need to speed it along. Here's the deal, just bend over and touch that broken piece of a mirror and I'll show you something.

BB: I don't do that kinda thing.

Cyborg: It isn't that kinda thing! Look, do you ever feel like everything in your world is a lie?

BB: No, I feel like the next video game doesn't come out fast enough.

Cyborg: What if I told that the world was just one giant video game?

BB: That would be so cool.

Cyborg: Argh, look just touch that damn broken mirror!

BB: Okay fine. (touches mirror and his hand merges with for a second before he pulls it back out) What the hell was that?

Cyborg: A bluescreen.

BB: No what was the thing that made my hand merge with the mirror thing!

Cyborg: Oh that was a system glitch, they're everywhere. People just don't know it. Come to this bar tonight and a hot babe in leather will lead you up to my apartment where everything shall be properly explained.

BB: Will there be panckes?

Cyborg: Yes, there will be pancakes.

BB: WOHOO!

(Later at the bar place, BB meet Raven)

BB: Oh, hi. Uh, you must be the uh...hot babe in leather...uh...yeah.

Raven: Just call me Raven and stop stuttering.

BB: Rage! I need an adult!

GR: Grow up for the love of god!

(Raven embraces BB and starts whispering in his ear)

Raven: Cherish this moment, because we ain't doing a second shot.

BB: My pants feel tight.

Raven: (Releases him) Let's try to keep this within the rating. Come on, I'll show you upstairs.

(Later upstairs)

Raven: Now, when you see him, remember. He knows a lot. A lot a lot!

BB: Like Santa? Or a stalker? Or the guy who spies on me from the next cubicle over?

Raven: Yeah, sure, whatever.

(BB enters room)

Cyborg: Hello Beastboy, I am Morph-borg.

BB: Huh?

Morph-borg: Yeah, I know, its stupid. Anyway sit down. (BB sit down) I know why you're here. You feel as if something is wrong in the world, right?

BB: Yeah, Hilary Clinton wants to take GTA off the shelf. She's such a square loser.

Morph-borg: No, listen. You are pretty much like Alice. From that storybook.

BB: The Disney film?

Morphporg: Yes, fine the Disney film.

BB: Does that make you the caterpillar? Cause you look like you smoke a lot.

Morph-borg: No, I don't own a hooka.

BB: Well you can't be the Whit Rabbit. You're black.

Morphporg: Whatever, don't you wanna know about the matrix?

BB: What's that?

Morph-borg: I can't say.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: I just can't.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: I just can't.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: I just can't.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: I just can't.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: I just can't.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: I just can't.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: Because I can't okay! Geez! Take a hint! Look, here in my hand I hold two pills. A red pill and a blue pill.

BB: You sure you ain't the caterpillar in this story?

Morph-borg: Oh god. Listen, I'm trying to help you realize your destiny here! The blue will make you wake up in your drab drealy bedroom and you probably have a sucky life. The red pill will show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

BB: Do you have any green pills?

Morph-borg: No. I don't have any green pills.

BB: Well, okay.

Morph-borg: Remember I'm just trying to offer you reality. (BB goes for the blue pill) The Red pill is candy. (BB takes the Red pill and starts foaming at the mouth) Whoops, I took out the wrong pills. (BB snaps back out of it)

BB: Whoa what was that?

Morph-Borg: Aw screw this! (Takes a pipe and hits BB on the head)

(BB wakes up in a metal chair)

Morph-borg: There see, the world is all crap and stuff and I saved you from crappy exisitence in a crappy digital reality.

BB: Like Tron?

Morph-borg: No not like Tron. Here, let me explain in this cool training program.

(Training Program room)

BB: Damn its white in here.

Morph-borg: Yes it is. You see we've been fighting a evil race of evil machines and are trying to stop them from enslaving humanity.

BB: Like Terminator?

Morph-Borg: No, this is way cooler. The robots just want turn us into Energizer batteries to power themselves and they use the Matrix, a digital reality to keep us subservient. This is pretty much a metphor for what whiny counter-culturists believe in.

BB: Why didn't you just tell me this?

Morph-Borg: You needed to expierence it for yourself.

BB: Well hell, my hand went through a damn mirror I would have believed anything you said!

Morph-borg: Yeah well its more dramatic this way.

BB: So when do I get some cool guns?

Morph-borg: Okay fine, load the guns!

(Gun racks come out flying of nowhere and knock BB down to the ground)

BB: OW!

Morph-borg: Whoops, sorry.

BB: So why am I here anyway? Why'd you zap me out of the video game?

Morph-Borg: We think you are the one.

BB: What's that?

Morph-Borg: Its kinda like the messiah.

BB: Dude! I'm the son of god! Excellent! (Air gituar)

Morph-borg: No you're not the son of god, okay! You're someone who is supposedly going to save us all!

BB: Oh okay, that's not so bad.

(Later BB learns how to manipulate the Matrix by just realizing everything is a fraud)

Melvin: Do not try to bend the spoon, that is impossible. Only try to visualise the truth.

BB: What's that?

Melvin: There is no spoon.

BB: There is no spoon? But there is one in front of me.

Melvin: It's not real.

BB: Oh. (Focuses on the spoon)

Melvin: Then you realize its not the spoon that bends, it is yourself.

(BB keeps looking on at the spoon and looks like he is going to explode)

Melvin: Constipation?

BB: Just...give me...a...moment. (face cracks)

Melvin: You know you can just try again later.

(BB lets loose a huge fart that levels half the room)

BB: Whoops.

Melvin: Knew it.

(Then BB meets his adversary, Slade as Agent Wilson)

Agent Wilson: Hello there Mister Logan, I am Agent Wilson.

BB: Oh hi.

Agent Wilson: That's a nice suit Mister Logan, you wouldn't want to get it wet. (Pulls out super soakers)

BB: Oh snap!

(Water bullet time, where we see BB duck the streams of water and run away. Wilson follows but soon grows tired and dies)

(Later back at Zion)

Morph-Borg: Zion! Hear me! The machinces are coming with their armies! There is only way we can defeat them! By dancing like idiots!

(Craptacular rave scene follows, with poor dancing and bad posers all around)

(Meanwhile with BB and Raven)

BB: This technically what everyone is waiting for.

Raven: The orginal was crappy and unsexy.

BB: So we aren't parodying it?

Raven: No.

BB: Oh thank god. I don't know if I could do this. I mean its like taking advantage of you and I don't wanna do this kinda thing until I'm ready and I'm not ready and I don't want to do it until you're ready and...

(Raven tackles and kisses full on the mouth in an obessesive make out session and then leaves)

BB: Cold shower! Cold Shower! (Runs off)

GR: What was that?

Raven: It was the only way to shut him up.

GR: You enjoyed didn't you?

Raven: Maybe. But you aren't getting anything outta me.

(A million Wilsons take on BB in a fist fight but they get their asses kicked by BB's rubber chicken and giant frying pan and giant candy cane, then theres is this stupid chateau fight with a french loser played by Le Blanc but he and his minons suck because all they fight with are giant frogs leg and cheese. Then people die in a chase scene)

BB: Say why do the Agents take over people's bodies why can't they just zap themeselves into place? Doesn't that make more sense?

GR: Who cares. We can't parody fight scenes. We need to edit in funny props. Like Pies and wiener strings and boxing gloves. I just wanna get on to the next perfect comedy gold mine.

(Car chase scene is rather forgetable as several car and trucks just explode and silly string spills out of everywhere. Also there are pies all over the road and several innocent clowns get run over. They shout, "The Tragedy! The Tragedy" but no one cares. Then fianlly we meet the architect)

BB: Hey cool we just did a sum up in five seconds.

(Chair turns around to reveal the Architect. Who is dressed like the Colonel)

Architect: Helloe there, the one.

BB: Who are you?

Architect: I am the Architect, I created the Matrix.

BB: You sure you ain't the Colonel?

Architect: No I'm not.

BB: No I swear you look like the guy on the KFC sign.

Architect: I created the Matrix not, not a fast food franchise.

BB: You still look stupid.

Architect: I don't care, this outfit is just how it is. Listen you aren't the first "the one", the prophecy is just a stupid lie to get you people to come here and replace the Matrix with a new version. Eventually everything returns to the way it was and we repeat this process over and over again. No remembers because everyone convieniently forgets.

BB: Huh?

Architect: (Sighs) Vizer vie, concordiently, ergo, zip zap, paddy whack give a dog a bone, mustard face, the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms play penuckle on your snout, these days are all happy days, going down to South Park gonna have my self a time, bow-chikka bow wow. Use the force Luke. I like chicken pot pie.

BB: Wow, that makes things clearer.

Architect: Yeah, to you and everyone not in the audience.

BB: Wait, you mean there isn't like a second Matrix within a Matrix?

Architect: No, but it would explain a lot more than the original ending did. Anyway, like that pill you face another choice. Your friend Raven is gonna die unless you jump out that door and save her. Or you go through that door and save mankind before Zion is burnt to the ground and we start this process again. Either way, you suck hard.

BB: Well, lets see. Girlfriend, humanity, girlfriend, humanity. Well humanity can't offer me sex.

Architect: You are so whipped.

BB: At least I'm getting some. (Goes through door)

Architect: Well I just got burned.

(Later BB meet the giant evil master machine that looks like a giant rubber duck, it hates him and tells him to go screw himself. But BB foes to the Matrix instead and beats up Agent Wilson who is super cocky and they all explode! There's a rainbow and crap but no one cares)

GR: To the death of the Wachoski Brother's credibility. May its passing be mourned forever. (Sips wine glass)

BB: Raven and me made-out.

GR: Pft, so what! I spent a night with blackfire remember. She was so ensatiable!

BB: Stop that! The mental picture is just wrong!

GR: Whatever. I'm just glad this one is over. Now onto the unltimate grand finale! THE OSCARS! Prepare yourselves Titans, for we are about to parody the biggest liberal self indulgent turd fests no one watched! Quick get those cowboy hats out! This is gonna be the greatest send off in Parody history!

Cyborg: Who is in the Brokeback Parody?

GR: You'll just have to wait and see my friend. That one is goning to rock harder than anything! Now to prepare for the finale! Blackfire get ready on the message table, we'll take turns.

Raven: That man is a freak.

BB: Their relationship is all based on lust you know.

Raven: So you aren't totally clueless are you?

BB: Why do people keep saying that?

Raven: Whatever, jsut try not to embarass me on the red carpet.

BB: Huh?

Raven: You're picking me up in the limo right?

BB: Huh?

Raven: Beastboy, we agreed that you'd take me if I couldn't find anyone.

BB: I did?

Raven: Yes, it happened last nigh when you cracked your back and you asked me to rub it. You were so entranced you actually said yes to everything I asked.

BB: Then why'd you ask me to be your chaperone for the Oscar finale?

Raven: Because... Oh figure it out yourself! (Storms off)

BB: Cy, am I clueless?

Cyborg: Yes, yes you most certainly are.

What will happen at the Oscars? How will the Titans survive the liberal smugness of the event? Will anyone actually watch? Who cares we'll do it anyway.