A-Yao… this isn't funny!" I yell at him angrily as I stared at the glowing notification screen in front of me.

I heard Guangyao quietly sniffling and hiccupping in the back of my mind. It meant that he had probably been upset over the revelations we've heard tonight. The both of us weren't in good places at the moment. Though, was he just faking those tears too? It was mentioned that he was a known liar after all. No, if he was faking those tears, I would have felt it. I angrily pressed no on the notification window and began to furiously wipe away at my face with a handkerchief, further irritating my eyes and making them even more swollen and puffy.

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" he asks in a confused voice, his voice very hoarse and congested.

I didn't want to do this anymore. No, I just wanted to live out those three years of mine out in peace, mission statements be damned! People's lives and their relationships were not something for me to fool around with! And it wasn't in my place to go and play therapist with them either. I was just an outsider who didn't get to a say in what people should and shouldn't be doing. Despite me pressing no though, that annoying notification window just popped back up, asking me that same request again in that same monotone voice.

"Don't play stupid with me! Is this some sick joke you're playing on me?" I ask.

I wasn't having any of it today! I'd already hurt enough people as it was. These weren't NPCs that you were supposed to be helping in a video game nor were they a means to an end. These were real, living people that hurt and felt pain as much as everyone else did. To turn them into side quests or pet projects dehumanized them and took away any worth they had as a human being. I angrily pressed no once more, closing that notification window once more.

"IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME!" he protested, "I SWEAR IT'S NOT!"

As if right on cue, that notification window popped right up back up. It was then I felt the last of my restraint snapping and my temper roaring to life as I angrily shooed that notification window popping back up, that monotone voice almost mocking me.

"For crying out loud…" I muttered, trying to keep my voice down, "For the love of all that is holy, will you PLEASE kindly fuck off?!"

I jabbed that no button with my finger and finally wiped my face clean. I went to bed that night with my heart filled with turmoil and strife. You would think I would have a moment of reprieve from what I've just heard, but fate was not about to let me off the hook so easily, as I've discovered the hard way.

It's raining as I make my way into that pocket dimension in my mind. Of course it would be raining; this place was a reflection of a person's heart, whether it was mine or Guangyao at the moment. How fitting that it would be miserable here, seeing how much conflict my heart was in right now. I didn't see Guangyao anywhere, but I had a feeling I knew where he was holing himself up right now in that cottage he showed me. I didn't care right now. If I ever saw him in person, I didn't know how I would react. I slid against the wall, tears welling in my eyes again and hugged my knees to my chest as I sat in the wet grass and began to sob again. The rain began to soak me through to the bone, making my gown cling to my frame like a second skin. My body shook as I let out a pained wail that seemed to echo endlessly into the sky.

"Lihua?" a voice asks hoarsely. "What are you doing here? You're getting soaked."

I looked up to see Guangyao standing over me with a parasol in his hand shielding me from the rain. As I guessed, his eyes were puffy and swollen again from crying. If he had his other arm attached to him, he would have offered me a hand to stand up with. I stood up shaking and still hiccupping, my nose red and running and my tears mixing with the rain water. To look at him right now made my heart ache with guilt and reminded me of how much of a liar I was.

"A-Yao…" I began with a shaking and hiccupping breath, "what Wei-shifu and Hanguang-jun said about you and Shibo in the past… was it all true?"

I watch as pain danced across his features and his knuckles turned whiter as he tightened his grip on his parasol. He averted his gaze from me, as if to just look at me caused him physical pain. His silence said more than enough. In fact, it is even more deafening than the sound of rainfall around us.

"I knew it…" I sniffled sadly, "I knew it…I'm a terrible person…"

I broke down crying again, burying my face in my hands. It was too much for me to handle right now. How many more people would I continue to hurt with my lies?

"What are you talking about?" he asked confusedly.

"That I'm no different from you!" I blurt out, "Can I even still call myself a good person after lying to everyone like this?! I…I'm just a woman wearing the skin of a child!"

I continued to wail, my breath hitching each time I took in a breath of air. I was beginning to hyperventilate, I couldn't breathe and my mind was beginning to fog with panic and confusion. I felt like I was going to pass out from stress. I didn't have a right to even call him out on lying to my shibo like this, not when I was pulling the wool over people's eyes myself. A look of hurt flashed in his eyes before he grimaced and bit down on his bottom lip. I knew I'd hit a nerve judging by how he was reacting to me, and I'd hated myself even more for doing that. Did I even have the right to look at this man? No, even he didn't deserve such a mean spirited and cruel remark being thrown at him like this.

"I'm sorry, A-Yao…" I whimper in between hiccups, "you didn't deserve that…"

"No…It's alright," he mumbled wearily, "I've gotten so used to people badmouthing me in life that it takes something really horrible to make me even react anymore. While it is true that you lied about something like that, you weren't trying to stay in power nor were you doing it out of malice. You…you were trying to survive in a crazy and confusing world you had no prior knowledge of. If we're talking in terms of morality, your heart…it's at least purer than mine."

I stopped hyperventilating and looked at him, eyes wide open. The fact that he can admit that I had a purer heart than himself was something I hadn't expected to hear coming out of him.

"What do you mean?" I ask, unsure of what he was getting at.

"You've never had to grow up feeling like the whole world was against you nor stain your hands with the blood of countless others. Even after I told you about my terrible past, you were still willing to comfort and accept me. That's all I could ever ask for, even though I've sinned so much. That's why I think your heart is purer than mine."

I sniffled as I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hands. The whole concept of purity was just ridiculous if you applied it through the lenses of modern day culture. Nothing ever came for free, and everyone always had a few skeletons in their closet. It was just a way of life after all. I let out a bitter and humourless laugh at the very irony of an ex-murderer telling me I had a pure heart.

"A-A-Yao… it's not a competition to see who the better or purer person is," I mumble. "I don't even know what's right or wrong anymore."

This would have been the part where he put his arm around my shoulders if he wasn't missing one. But since he currently had one arm that was full right now, he had to settle for moving closer to me.

"That may be so but even then, the fact that you can still feel remorse and guilt for your actions means that there's still good inside of your heart."

He began to walk, beckoning me to follow him. The grass and mud squished under my feet as I began to trail behind him, trying to catch up with him. Despite the fact that he was only a few inches taller than me, he still could walk way faster than me.

"Come on, let's take this inside," he said softly, "you're soaked all the way through. Not to mention…"

He trailed off, seemingly at a loss for words. I watched as Guangyao's cheeks turned red with embarrassment and he turned his face away from me, averting my gaze. I looked down and realized with horror WHY he was blushing like that. It seemed that the rain did more than turn my hospital gown into a second clingy skin; it turned it semi-translucent! If I wasn't wearing some panties underneath, I would have fully exposed myself to him. This meant that he got more than an eyeful of my mostly naked body underneath. I could feel my face burning red with embarrassment as I tried to cover what little decency I had left with my arms. I might as well have given him front row tickets to a wet t-shirt contest! The embarrassed scream I let out that day could have rivalled that of a banshee.

"Have you changed out of your clothes yet?" asks Guangyao from downstairs.

"Yeah! Hang on a moment!" I call out. "I'll be out soon!"

I was now inside that cottage I had seen after I had gotten out of the rain. Even though this was a dimension that only existed in the realm of dreams, I still out of instinct decided to change out of those soaked clothes I was wearing earlier, even though I couldn't really get sick here like in the real world. I came out of one of the spare bedrooms from upstairs wearing a pale yellow, white and pink hanfu decorated with delicate embroidered peonies along the skirts, the sleeves and collars. These clothes are a bit fancier than what I was used to wearing back in the real world. They almost seemed more like something you'd see members of the upper class wearing.

Guangyao's eyes widened with interest when he saw me in these new robes. Of course, what would have made this even better was if I had longer hair to complete this look. I was still after all, a sickly and bald chemo patient in the world. And because I was so thin and sickly, these robes seem to hang a bit loosely around my frame. Though judging by his reaction, he really didn't seem to care about my lack of hair despite the fact that he came from a time period where long hair was considered a sacred part of your body. None of that mattered to me at the moment. Right now, there were more pressing matters to be discussed. I took a seat across from him while he poured some fragrant floral tea for me in a cup.

"A-Yao…" I started as I sipped my tea, "if what Wei-shifu and Hanguang-jun said was true, then what did shibo mean to you? Was he just another person for you to manipulate? And don't attempt to weasel your way out of this question either."

I watch the other man tense up, his teacup almost touching his lips. I knew I was being blunt by asking this right off the bat. It was a sore and sensitive subject for him, but I needed answers. Even through the guilt that was consuming me, Lan Xichen was still family, even if I just only just met him for one day. He was the older brother of Hanguang-jun after all, even if I still didn't feel like I deserved to call him my shibo. I had felt the sadness radiating from him, even if he had tried to cover it up with friendly smiles and pleasantries. It felt too fake and manufactured to be genuine.

"Lan Xichen…" he mumbles as he put the teacup down. "No, Er-ge… he wasn't just my sworn brother, he was one of the few people in my life who treated me like an equal."

I watched him as he fingered the smooth ridges and raised patterns of his cup, seemingly lost in his own memories. The sadness in his eyes said all about how he was feeling.

"Even after I became sect leader and chief cultivator of Lanling Jin, people still badmouthed me behind my back, constantly reminding me that I was nothing more than the son of a prostitute. Er-ge though… he was different from the rest of the upper classes."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"While the rest of the Jin clan and the disciples looked at me with disdain and disgust, Er-ge just saw me as a normal human being. When I was with him, I wasn't just a sect leader, the chief cultivator or even the illegitimate bastard child of Jin Guangshan and a prostitute, I was just Meng Yao."

My mind flashes back to those memories I had seen of him in the past. The way they looked at each other, the deep and passionate kisses they shared. Through the good and the bad times, Lan Xichen was always there. The emotions that he'd felt in those fleeting bittersweet moments in the past were as real as he was. But even then, he'd hurt that man so deeply with his lies that he'd become a sickly recluse living in the forest.

"If you treasured Shibo that much, why did you lie to him?" I demand, tears beginning to sting at my eyes again. "You both bared your hearts to each other! Wasn't that enou-"

"It's because we both bared our hearts to each other that I HAD to lie to him!" he snaps at me, cheeks flushing with anger.

I flinched at his tone, nearly jumping out of my seat. I watched Guangyao take his hat off and then run his hand through his hair in frustration. He wore an expression on his face that looked like he was on the verge of tears once more. I knew I had genuinely walked into dangerous territory then by how much my chest was burning with emotion. It was a mixture of sadness, self-loathing, anger and guilt. If I was awake in the real world right now, I would have run off into the bushes to throw up again.

"What choice did I have?" he asks me through angry tears, "I…I couldn't let him know how twisted and ugly my heart had become over the years. I was his goddamned sworn brother! The man that had saved him when he was on the run from the Wens! The man that had helped him rebuild his home and become his brother in arms! All of the bad things I've done over the years? They were all for the sake of a person who didn't even deserve to call himself my father! Someone who bad-mouthed my mother for being a woman who could read and write! And even then, it still wasn't enough! I was scared! I didn't even know if I deserved his kindness and generosity!"

"No, you had a choice!" I yell out, slamming both my hands down on the table with a rattling thud. "You had the choice of walking away from all this! To be a better person than your father! To ask Shibo for help! You had SO many opportunities to be the bigger man! But no, instead you went behind his back and betrayed his trust in you! You chose to become just as bad as your father! To murder and blackmail people! Those people never had a choice! And neither did Shibo! Now they're never going to see their loved ones again because of your decisions and my Shibo is a recluse because you couldn't be bothered to be honest with him!"

I stood there panting after that outburst, the righteous anger within me still burning like embers. I watched as anger distorted his face and he rose from his seat as well. He was a former war hero and had years of training under his belt despite his appearance. I was a scrawny and sickly unarmed civilian with barely any combat experience at all. And despite the fact that he only had one arm right now, he could still easily kill me if he wanted to. Even when my body was telling me to run, I still stood by what I said.

"You have the audacity to lecture me about doing the right thing?" he scoffed through bitter tears. "Some of those people deserved to die! They were going to do horrible things if I didn't kill them! Don't act like you're morally superior to me when you went around lying to people about being kidnapped by a human trafficking ring you little hypocrite! Or have you conveniently forgotten about that just so that you can play house with Hanguang-jun and Wei Wuxian?"

"You don't think that I don't feel remorse for doing that?!" I yelled back at him between sobs. "I know I'm a hypocrite! That I'm going against everything the Lan Sect goes for! And I know that I'll be the most despised person living there if they ever found out! Even then, I'm still trying to make things right! I want to help my shibo!"

"Why go out of your way for someone you just met today?" he demands. "Isn't he just another stranger to you?"

"He isn't just another stranger to me!" I snap at him, "He's my martial uncle! And even if I've just only met him today and I'm not his blood niece, I…I want to help him because it's the right thing to do! It's called being a decent human being!"

We both stood there red faced and panting after our screaming match, with matching tears running down our faces. I've gone and done it, I confirmed how much of a hypocrite I was with my own words. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. We both weren't perfect humans; we were both very flawed humans. It wasn't even a contest to one up each other in terms of morality. It was just two very traumatized people lashing out at each other and using the bad things they've done in the past to inflict the most damage.

"Oh god…" I sob as I slumped back into my seat, feeling a headache beginning to arise, "we're becoming just like my parents… what am I doing with myself?"

Guangyao sat sniffling next to me, face still flushed red and eyes becoming puffy and blood shot again. It was the first fight we've ever had, and we didn't hold back verbally going at each other's throats like this. As I buried my face in my arms to cry, I felt him placing his hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see him with a look of remorse and regret on his face.

"I'm sorry…" he mumbles out while handing me a handkerchief, "I shouldn't said those things to you."

"I'm sorry, too…" I mumble, taking the piece of cloth from him and blowing my nose into it. "I didn't have a right to call you out like that."

We both sat in silence together, the occasional sob and hiccup escaping from our lips. We both knew that we had screwed up. There was no way around this. Sooner or later, the guilt from what I've done was going to boil over in some way or another. Today was just one of those days.

"Your Shibo…" Guangyao began, breaking the silence, "I…I never wanted to get him involved or know about what I've done. He was one of the few good and pure things in this world that made life worth living. The very thought of him tossing me aside after finding out about my crimes, it scared me! But as you've heard today, it seemed I've done more than my own fair share of damage to his heart in one moment. It's too late to apologize to him for everything I've done."

I place my hands on his shoulder, squeezing them gently. I knew what I had to do in that moment. I may have lied to Lan Xichen about my past, but even if he hated my guts later, he was also someone who was in need.

"No…" I mumbled, "it may be too late for you, but shibo has only met me today. I don't share your history with him. We're both going to fix this!"

"What CAN we do?" he asks. "You're a woman from another world, and I'm an ex-murderer living in your sub consciousness.

"That maybe so, but we can't just stand by and do nothing either!" I exclaim. "We're going to get him out of seclusion whether you like it or not!"

It was at this point that a pinging noise sounded throughout the cottage. That same notification window popped up glowing blue with that same prompt that I had shut down earlier. An unknown male voice prompted me with one thing:

"OBJECTIVE: GET LAN XICHEN OUT OF SECLUSION. CHANCES OF SUCCESS: 25% ACCEPT: YES/NO?"

I look at Guangyao to see what his reaction would be. With his lips pressed together in a thin line, he nods as if to give his approval. Without a moment's hesitation, I pressed yes.

"OBJECTIVE ACCEPTED." it piped up. "YOU HAVE UNTIL SPRING TO COMPLETE YOUR TASK."

My race against time had now just begun. And it was going to be a very messy and bumpy road for me.

Notes:

After writing a lot of angst, maybe it's time for something more light hearted. But before I go, let me ask you readers something: Do you still consider Alice to be a good person despite lying about her origins? leave your response in the reviews down below!