A/N- Wow..thankyou all so much! I wasnt expecting thismany reviews and when I read them I wasalmost in tears..hehe thankyou again and I'mgladyou all like it sofar, keep reviewing it makes me happy!
Disclaimer - Once again, I do not own Instant star or any of the people sadly,but I do own the poems and songs used in this story.
Chapter 2 - I'm fine
Tommy was at the studio working on some tracks yet he couldnt get his mind off of jude.
'I wonder if shes alright..what if shes pregnant? I know jude she wouldnt give up the baby and I know for sure she wouldnt have an abortion..whats her mom gonna think? her having to raise a baby at age 16? Wait..she might not be pregnant, I cant believe this happened to her..shes so young. how old is this guy? what would he want with a 16 year old? what do you want with a 16 year old? wait tom dont think like that especially not now.' Tommy jumped when he felt his phone vibrate against his leg.
"Hello?" He failed to look at the caller Id
"Hey i'm okay and i'm not... pregnant." Jude cried into the phone yet whispered on the last word.
Tommy could feel her happiness through the phone, what was left of her happiness and hope anyway.
"Thank god, and everything else is alright? he didnt..hurt anything did he?"
Jude feeling kind of uncomfortable talking to tommy about this quickly replied, "No...not really."
Tommy felt uneasy about the 'not really' comment she made but decided to leave that question open for another time. They stayed on the phone for a few more minutes talking and then when they decided to hang up, jude sat smiling. She knew she shouldnt smile at a time like this but it was tommy, she couldnt help it, he always did this to her.
Jude and sadie went back home and jude made sadie, as she did tommy, swear not to tell anybody what had happened and after arguing for a while sadie promised. Jude got home and called jamie who asked her if she wanted to hang out with him and kat, she agreed even though she didnt feel up to it yet, she didnt want jamie to think something was wrong with her, not more than he already did. Tommy and sadie were already out somewhere, he had picked sadie up not long after jude and her had returned from the clinic.
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"So tommy, I was thinking about our relationship." Sadie started, swirling her straw in her mocha lotte. Tommy was gazing at some painting that was hanging on the wall of the little cafe they were in, though he was looking at the portrait, he was thinking of jude.
"Tom?" Sadie tryed to motion her boyfriends attention back to herself.
"Oh..yeah sorry, what were you saying?" Tommy snapped out of it. Sadie gave him a weird look and then cleared her throat.
"I said I have been thinking about our relationship." She dropped her straw and grabbed tommys hands, smiling.
"What about it?" He asked, sounding kind of distracted, as he was.
"Um..well..I think we need to take a vacation together, just you and me..even if its just for the weekend, I really need to get away and lord knows you do, it would be good for us, bring us closer..I love you tommy." She whispered the last words.
This deffinately got tommys attention and not in a good way. Knowing sadie now knew about what had happened to jude just a little over a week ago, and here she is wanting to go away with him and leave her by herself? 'What kind of a sister is she?..wait..did she say she loved me?' Tommy couldnt let her know that he knew about jude though, he had to make different excuses.
"Look..Sadie-"
"Tommy, dont say no to me..we never do anything together anymore, you always have to work..which usually involves jude! and you never answer my phone calls and I dont like not spending time with you, I miss you."
Tommy couldnt believe how inconsiderate sadie was sounding, he had never heard her be this selfish, tommy couldnt help but look at her with disgust.
"What tommy? its true!" Sadie screamed. All this was starting to sink in and tommy started feeling a little guilty.
"I know..sadie i'm sorry things have been crazy lately at the studio and with jude on her own and I know we havent been able to spend as much time as we want together but I cant go away with you right now, especially how things are with darius..hes counting on me." Tommy rubbed sadies hands with his own. She looked at him with needing eyes. He knew what she wanted but..he just couldnt say he loved her, he couldnt lie to her. He dropped her hands.
"Well hey..I have to get back to the studio, I shouldnt have stayed away this long." Tommy stuck his hand in his pocket, searching for his keys.
"I'll take you home." They both got up and sadie forced a fake smile so tommy wouldnt ask any annoying and typical questions. They rode to the harrison house in silence, when they got there, before getting out of the car, sadie quickly kissed tommy on the lips and said, "I meant what I said." Then got out of the car and went in the house without looking back. Tommy sat in the driveway for a few minutes trying to process this. 'love.' the word kept repeating. He finally drove off, still confused and obviously torn. He went back to the studio to find everyone sitting around doing nothing, did he miss something?
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"Jamie seriously i'm fine!" Jude smiled..looking so fake that it was just sad. Jamie decided to give it up..for now.
"So, what do you guys wanna do?" Kat asked, playfully hitting jamies arm.
"Want to go see a movie?" Jamie asked. The girls agreed and they were off to see what was good that was playing. After the movie jude went back to her studio and said goodbye to jamie and kat who were off to go on some other adventure. When jude walked into the studio she went and layed on her couch, immediately falling asleep and drifting into a dream
Jude came into the studio after saying bye to kat and jamie and seen tommy sitting on her couch strumming a few chords on her guitar.
"Hey tommy..what are you doing here?" She sat down next to him.
"I needed to think..and now that you're here..I need to talk." He stated.
Jude raised her eyebrow.
"Alright quincy, talk." She pulled her legs up on the couch and crossed them, folding her arms to her chest. Tommy smiled, leaning the guitar up against the couch.
"Well first, how are you feeling? you doin ok?" He asked with concern in his eyes.
"Yeah..good as to be expected." She retorted, her hand motioning him to continue with what he wanted to talk about.
"Alright alright." He looked away from jude and gave a blank stare to some poster jude put up on the wall.
"Tommy, a better question is are you okay?" She tryed to get him to look at her but he didnt.
"Sadie and I are getting closer and..."He started, looking at something farther away from the poster, farther away from jude, he didnt want to see her expression. Judes heart had already felt as if it was bleeding but now..it felt as if it had been drained and that there was nothing left, no hope, no sanity, nothing.
"Yeah.." She looked down at her now shaking body.
"But I wanted to talk to you about it before it gets too serious." He almost immediately retorted, finally looking at her and realizing he hurt her and instantly regreted saying anything in the first place. She looked back up at him, a bit confused, she wanted to cry but..she had cried so much the past few days it seemed impossible to shed a tear.
"Jude.." He started, turning his whole body towards her.
"I dont want this to affect you in any way, you have been through alot and I am your producer and your friend and sadie is your sister, I dont want things to be weird between us, I need your input on this before anything else happens between sadie and I" He asked. Jude suddenly felt even more pain, if possible.
"Thats it? thats what this is about tommy? you want us to be okay," Her voice cracking.
"I thought..I thought maybe you were going to say.." She stopped, realizing how stupid and typical she was sounding. Tommy knew what she was thinking and he did want to say it, but it would never work..she knew this, what could he do?
"Jude-"
"No tommy its ok, i'm sorry..i'm just a bit out of it right now." She looked him in the eye transfering all her emotions to him with just one look.
"I wish you and sadie...the best." She smiled bitterly. Tears finally stinging her eyes.
Tommy couldnt stand this, he couldnt stand that he made her feel this way, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her and he wanted to show her what she really meant to him.
"Jude-" he put his hands on her shoulders and held a firm grip.
"Tommy its ok, i'll be fi-" Tommy silenced her by kissing her intensely, not allowing her to finish her sentence. He lifted one of his hands to the back of her head and rubbed it softly, touching her hair, brushing it lightly with his fingers, jude pulled him towards her and he tightened his grip with his other hand that was around her waist, this went on for a few minutes and things were about to get more intense until his fingers touched one of the spots on her scalp that was now dry blood which brought him back to reality . He let go of her and jumped back. They were both breathing hard and jude sat staring at tommy. He looked at her and started to take a breath as if he were going to say something but jude held out her hand in a 'stop' manner and said. "Dont bother, I've got it tommy.." She cried, "Forget about it, right? it never happened?..I think i've got it down by now." She kind of laughed and cried at the thought.
Tommy leaned in closer to her, trying to comfort her by grabbing her hands.
"Tommy, why do I do this? I keep letting myself fall for you..and then you do something like this and make me think there is a thred of hope and then you leave me heartbroken again...I cant do this forever."
"You think I like not being able to be with you, jude? do you know how hard it is for me seeing you everyday, how hard it is working with you and having these feelings I shouldnt be having for you? God jude you're 16. Its not right and me doing this to you is not right, I know." He sighed deeply.
"I lo-" She stopped, she wasnt going to admit her feelings, she wasnt going to get hurt again.
Jude stared at tommy. She got lost in his eyes as he leaned in to kiss her again, she couldnt look away even though she knew it was just another 'mistake' as tommy would put it...he obviously didnt feel too much for her, he couldnt say it. But they were so close, he felt her breath on his lips.Tommys cell phone had rang finally causing her to look away. He looked down at it, dropping judes hands, and go figure, it was sadie.
"Hey babe." He answered. Jude felt sick going behind sadies back and kissing her boyfriend.
"Alright yeah i'll call you later...bye." He closed his phone.
"That your girlfriend?" Jude mocked.
"Dont do this." Tommy tryed to take her hands again but jude pulled them back.
"You're right tommy, i'm done doing "This". I cant do "This" anymore, it hurts too much."
She wrapped her arms around tommy and hugged him tightly.
"You have no idea what you want and I see that now. Until you do know what you want dont worry our producer-artist relationship is fine. Good luck with sadie but when she hurts you..just know I would never do that." She whispered in his ear and then let go of him. He wanted to tell her she was wrong, but instead of arguing and knowing that she was right about the not knowing about what he wanted thing he just nodded, got up, and walked out of the studio.
Jude woke up crying silently and then she grabbed a notepad and a pen, starting to write lyrics. The words were pouring out of her and onto the paper.
'why cause me all this pain?
we know it will never last
shes in ur present thoughts
she was too much of your past
why lead me on like this?
do you find pleasure in it?
my heart breaking before your eyes,
though it shouldnt come as a big surprise,
i told you I didnt want it to be like this
that id been hurt once before
you didnt listen and here we are now
and i'm hurting even more
i cant help what i feel for you even if i tried
but that doesnt mean that this had to happen
everything didnt have to be a lie
why did i tell you how i felt?
now i feel like the jerk..
i knew she was on your mind
but i thought i would give it a shot it could be worth it
and now here i am complaining about how your treating me
i cant blame you for loving her
If i wouldve kept this to myself i wouldve avoided all this controversy
But instead i was in the wrong, now i'm here begging for your mercy
hoping, dreaming, believing everything will be okay again
denying the truth, open to any lie to proove myself to be wrong
what i know is what i wish was wrong but its not so..
what i can do is step down from my feelings and everything that matters
to leave you and her to be happy no matter what i feel.
My Beautiful disaster.'
She ended it, along with alot of feelings she had been having for the past few weeks. Though she couldnt exactly forget about being raped, who could? she couldnt dwell on it and she couldnt keep feeling depressed about her home life either, nor tommy. Life moves on. She smiled, whiping away her tears. She already had the tune to it, she could already hear it being played in her head.
"Hey rock star, how you feeling?" A familiar voice rang through the studio.
"Hey how was tour?" Jude turned around coming face to face with speid.
"You know, chicks digged us..even though we didnt have our original singer..our fill in did alright." Speid smiled.
"Heh, yeah I wish I would've went with you guys..alot has happened." Jude looked at the ground.
He could tell something was wrong with jude but being Speid he didnt ask.
"You guys havent thought of replacing me have ya?" Jude smiled.
Speid smirked.
"Well we were talking about it..that back up chick was pretty hot."
Jude put on a fake hurt face.
"Oh ok..I see how it is.." She smiled and shook her head. There was silence for a few minutes.
"So," she cleared her throat and looked up at him,"Wheres wally and kyle?" she continued.
"They went to get real food, you know how it is on the bus." He retorted.
"Yeah...oh hey! I wrote a song, you want to hear?" Jude basically pleaded.
"Hmm...do I want to hear?" He began sarcastically, putting his finger up to his chin as if in thought. "I dont know..whats in it for me?" He winked at her, playing around.
She rolled her eyes "You get to hear our next hit, so you want to hear it or not?" She walked over to the couch where her guitar was.
"Well I'm gonna hear it whether I want to or not so yeah, lets get it over with." He joked, sitting on the couch across from the one jude was sitting on.
"Ok here it goes, dont be too harsh its my first time playing it and the chords are off the top of my head." She picked up her guitar and started to strum it.
'why cause me all this pain?
we know it will never last
shes in ur present thoughts
she was too much of your past
why lead me on like this?
do you find pleasure in it?
Jude continued to sing the song, looking down at her guitar the whole time.Though speid was listening he had seen her notebook next to him and decided to look through it to see what other songs she had came up with, if any.
He flipped to the one befor her last, which was the one she was singing now. This song was titled "Scar" He began to read.
"Show no sympathy
do not pitty me
for i am here, this is where i belong
scream at me again, go ahead
i will not walk away
i am broken and immune to these words
silently, ever so silently i pray, it seems to be the only thing
that gets me through this eternal pain which is and ever was a burden to me
listen to my voice, cant you hear it crack?
for every time you made me suffer this is a reminder
Dreamt of the day when my life would be normal again
when my past would fade and only the scar from you would remain
living this lie, this secret
living in shame is what i'm doing
and you get off with nothing?
typical i guess..it always ends this way
But its only a dream
I cant be fixed
cant you see?
You've taken my life from me.."
He read silently. 'What the hell is this?' he thought to himself. 'Jude wouldnt write something like this...what happened to her?' He didnt notice that jude had stopped singing, he was too wrapped up in her writing.
"What did you thi-what are you reading?" She got up, setting her guitar back on the couch.
"Jude, what is this?" He pointed the paper full of writing in her direction.
"Why were you reading that? I didnt say you could read that!" She snapped, snatching the book from him.
"Why would you write something like that?" He said in a slighty lower tone. Jude looked down, sitting next to him and closing her eyes.
"Hey," He put his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it lightly. "I know me and the guys give you a hard time but its all in good fun...you know if you need to talk i'm here." He looked down at her tear stained cheek. She nodded her head, not wanting to say anything because she didnt want to start crying again.
"What happen?" He asked.
"I cant tell you." She finally whispered back to where he could barely hear her.
He finally let go of her shoulder and got up off the couch.
"Well i'm going to go join the guys i'm pretty hungry too." He walked towards the door.
"You want to come?" He asked, stopping at the door and turning around.
She looked up and smiled, "Nah, give the guys my best, I'll see you later."
He shrugged and walked out the door. Jude decided to go home and catch up on more sleep.
A/N - I have up to chapter 5 written already but..after it might take me longer than a day to post like i've started to do..but once again please review and thats aboutit..see yall later!