Chapter Twelve: Informed Choice
"What was that about?" Kagome walked hand-in-hand with Rin over to Sesshomaru. "He couldn't have really thought I'd believe him, right? He has such a dark aura… It's obvious he's evil."
"Kagome trusts you with her life, Lord Sesshomaru." Rin pointed that out with a big smile.
"I heard." Sesshomaru nodded to Rin and turned to Kagome. "I am not certain what he was trying to accomplish with such blatant lies. However, Naraku is not someone to underestimate. He's proven to be a master at manipulating people and is very resourceful. He's got something up his sleeve."
"That Naraku. Whatever he's planning, he'll fail." Jaken said with the utmost confidence in Sesshomaru.
"Why didn't you believe him? Honestly." Sesshomaru asked.
"Well…" Kagome looked like she was about to answer when she put her hand over her stomach. "I… I'm really hungry. Can we get that food going?"
"I'll do it!" Rin said and grabbed Jaken's hand to drag him over to their mostly complete campfire.
"Thank you, Rin!" Kagome said and then turned to Sesshomaru. "I did for a moment."
"What changed?"
"You did." Kagome said happily. "If he had appeared about twenty minutes ago, I probably would have run off with him, but after seeing that… fatherly side of you, I literally could not believe him."
"My accepting Rin as a daughter changed your mind?" Sesshomaru asked and Kagome nodded, which caused him some confusion. "My being a Father makes me more trustworthy?"
"No, no. Your being open with me helps me feel trusted by you." Kagome explained, but didn't really feel like she got her point across. "I guess that since you never tell me anything personal about you, it's hard to trust you on a personal level. This is my life we're talking about and I did worry for a while that what I was being told might be fake to use me for some reason. I mean, you did tell me at the beginning that you keeping me around would be useful for dealing with your younger brother. What else am I supposed to think, you know? But when you showed me the more insecure side of you, in your worries about being a Father to Rin, I guess I felt that you trusted me more and that's important to me."
"I see." Sesshomaru tilted his head, watching her curiously.
"I've also been here for over six months now and this Inuyasha person hasn't come looking for me." Kagome sighed and rubbed the back of her head. "I kinda hoped that I would see these people that I used to travel with at some time, but since they never show up, I guess they've got other things to do. I don't see a reason bothering myself over people I don't remember… since they're not looking for me. I realize now that I'm happy here with you and Rin, and even with Jaken. I don't wanna go."
"Kagome…" Sesshomaru looked her straight in the eyes, his own filled with worry.
"Lord Sesshomaru?" Kagome returned the worried expression.
"Inuyasha and your friends are likely looking for you." Sesshomaru said honestly. "I would be very surprised if they weren't. The country is large and we haven't run across them yet, but do not think they're not searching for you. They are. They care very much for you and your safety, and your absence likely causes them a great deal of stress. I will not have you live believing that your previous life is something to easily be given up. When I find a hint of them, I will reunite you all."
"Will you stay with me if I reunite with them?" Kagome asked.
"What?" Sesshomaru blinked in surprise. "I have no plans to travel with my half-brother."
"If my memories do not return, the only memories I have are of you all." Kagome reminded him. "I don't want to lose my new life for an old one that I don't remember. Since I don't remember, it doesn't mean anything to me, but you do… I-I mean, you all do. Rin, Jaken, you… All of you. Even those at the castle."
"Stop doing that." Sesshomaru demanded.
"Stop doing what?" Kagome asked.
"Stop acting guilty any time you express care toward me." Sesshomaru said in frustration. "It's insulting to watch you catch it and correct yourself like you regret it being known."
"Do you care about me?" Kagome asked.
"That has nothing to do with it."
"It has everything to do with it." Kagome clenched her fists, voice raised enough to catch the attention of the two cooking their fish. "I don't want to care about someone who doesn't care about me."
"I am not the one who says something and then takes it back." Sesshomaru shouted back at her.
"I didn't take it back!" Kagome yelled louder. "I just don't want to keep saying it. It's embarrassing!"
"How is it embarrassing?"
"Because it's like setting myself up for another failure and I can't handle that!"
Sesshomaru said nothing more. He wasn't sure what she meant. Setting herself up for another failure? He stared at her, trying to figure out what she meant by it. Kagome could tell that is what he was doing and hit her forehead. She stomped her foot and grabbed her hair to pull at her scalp hard enough that it hurt. She let out a soft "ow" and then took a deep breath to calm down.
"This is what I mean by I talk too much…" Kagome dropped to a sitting position and slouched over solemnly. "I'm going back to not talking. It's easier that way."
"You can… After you tell me what that meant." Sesshomaru said, looking down at her expectantly.
Kagome wanted to stay quiet. She didn't want to explain anything to him. She had let it slip in the first place and now he wanted answers. If she said what she was thinking, it'd only hurt her more. He would only hurt her more. It wasn't something she was willing to risk, but she may not have a choice. Sesshomaru knelt down next to her and lifted her chin to look at him.
"Speak." He demanded. "Explain it."
"Do you really not get it or are you just wanting to hear me say it out loud?" Kagome asked. She eyed him for a bit. He looked confused by that question. Did he really not get it?
In the background, Jaken and Rin were watching with excitement and curiosity. What was going to happen next? What did Kagome mean? Did Sesshomaru just touch her face gently? There were so many questions that the little imp and the child wanted to ask, but it was like watching a cool story be told. They wouldn't dare interrupt and wanted to get to the end before something changed. The two glanced to each other for a moment and then returned their attention to Sesshomaru and Kagome.
"Both." Sesshomaru admitted. He could hear Kagome's heart race and could now feel it on the hand that held her chin up. This type of reaction only meant a few things to him and normally it was fear. He just didn't sense the fear he was used to and hated not understanding what it meant.
"If I keep telling you that I care about you… I'm only setting myself up to fail because there is no way you will ever care about me like that." Kagome admitted with anger in her eyes, embarrassment in her cheeks, and an anxious heartrate. "Why keep saying it if it doesn't matter?"
"Jaken." Sesshomaru stood up and looked toward his oldest companion. "Explain this."
"I, uh… Well, Lord Sesshomaru…" Jaken stood up and cleared his throat as he walked over to them.
"Wait, what?" Kagome stood back up and kicked Jaken away. "Are you serious?"
"Yes. And if you're not going to explain it, Jaken will."
"You're so dense!"
"Oh, oh! I get it." Rin raised her hand and hopped around excitedly.
"Rin, shhh." Kagome put her finger in front of her mouth to quiet the child.
"But, Kagome!" Rin pouted.
"Do not silence her." Sesshomaru warned Kagome. "Rin, explain it."
"No!" Kagome interrupted before Rin could speak. "Or should I tell her your secret?"
"You said I could trust you."
"And you can, but ordering others to tell you my secret is no-…"
"Will you two shut up already?" Jaken yelled out of nowhere, getting glares from both of them. To prevent any bodily harm, he quickly hid behind Rin. "If I may… Lord Sesshomaru, I believe you're either in denial about what you know Kagome is saying, so you're trying to force her to say it even though she's scared to. And Kagome, not just admitting it and treating Lord Sesshomaru like a mind reader is unfair. You're disrespecting each other quite a lot in this situation. Just be honest."
Sesshomaru and Kagome looked back to each other, staring for a few intense moments. Rin and Jaken continued watching from the side, Jaken thankful he did not get killed with the disrespect he had also just shown Sesshomaru. Finally, Sesshomaru sighed and relented to the situation.
"I assume you will explain it to me when you're ready." Sesshomaru said and turned away. "Let's eat."
Kagome calmed down. She was thankful that Sesshomaru quickly diffused the situation. The entire thing was stupid anyway. Jaken knew what she wanted to say. Rin knew it too. She had a sinking feeling that Sesshomaru knew it as well, but wanted to embarrass her by making her say it and then wholly rejecting her. It was cruel and the thought of that upset her. With her bow in hand, Kagome walked away.
"Hey, Kago-…" Rin called out, but Jaken stopped her.
"Let her go." Jaken rolled his eyes. "You humans are so emotional."
"It's not her fault. She wants him to say it first." Rin said toward Jaken.
"And what is the point of that?" Jaken asked.
"If Lord Sesshomaru says it first, then it feels more special." Rin explained. "It also means that she doesn't have to worry about him not saying it because he's already said it. If he's already said it, she can say it too without feeling bad because he doesn't say it."
"Humans. Emotional and complicated." Jaken shook his head as he took a bite of his fish.
"It's not complicated. It's just scary. Kagome doesn't have anyone else…" Rin said, staring sadly down at her own food. "If she says something like that and it goes bad, she'll have no one. She'll want to leave and will be alone without friends and without her memories."
"I see." Sesshomaru said. Hearing Rin talk about that gave him a bit of insight. "Is that why you never asked to be my daughter, Rin? If I said no, it'd hurt you bad enough that you couldn't stay."
"I… Well, uh… M-Maybe… Y-Yes." Rin's entire face went red. She was put on the spot very quickly.
"Would you like that?" Sesshomaru asked.
"Wh-What?" Rin replied.
"To be my daughter." Sesshomaru clarified.
Rin forced herself to swallow the last bite because she could feel her throat tighten. Her eyes teared up and she nodded happily. Rin suddenly stood up and ran into Sesshomaru, hugging him tightly. Sesshomaru still was not used to this type of contact, but he dealt with it. He pat Rin on the top of the head and as she looked up to him with a big smile, he nodded to her, a small smile on his own face.
"Finally." Jaken said and chuckled. "You've warmed Lord Sesshomaru's heart, Rin. Well done."
"So, can I call you Dad?" Rin asked hopeful.
"You can." Sesshomaru answered and Rin hopped up and down around the area saying 'dad' over and over again. Sesshomaru had never seen her so happy about anything.
"You do know what Kagome was trying to tell you, right, Lord Sesshomaru?" Jaken asked suddenly.
"Of course." Sesshomaru said with a sigh.
"Then how come you pretended you didn't?" Rin asked.
"I've gotten to know her enough to understand that she wouldn't admit it in front of anyone else, no matter how much I asked her." Sesshomaru explained, starring at the fire. "Unlike you, Rin, she wouldn't be getting a yes from me. I am happy to become your Dad. I cannot become her mate."
"Cannot." Jaken repeated the word. Sesshomaru ignored it. Rin thought Jaken was just emphasizing how serious Sesshomaru was about it. In reality, there is a big difference in the way Sesshomaru would use the words "cannot" and "will not." Jaken took note of the usage of that word.
"How come?" Rin asked sadly.
"Even if I were to feel similarly toward Kagome, she is not herself." Sesshomaru explained. "She has none of her memories and therefore cannot make an informed decision on her life. It's not like she was injured and may never get her memories back. She is under a curse and we are actively searching for a way to have them returned to her. Taking such a step now and then having her memories return has the potential to be nothing less than a catastrophe for everyone involved. It is smarter and much more considerate of the Kagome with her memories to never take such a step in her condition."
"I think I understand." Rin said and sat down to eat again. "That's really smart, Lo-… Dad."
"Thank you, Rin." Sesshomaru picked up his own fish and decided to eat. He wasn't fond of eating human food very often, but it was something that he could deal with.
"So, that means if she gets her memories back and still chooses you, you'd say yes?" Rin asked.
"I don't know, Rin." Sesshomaru said after some hesitation. He couldn't answer that question. He had no idea what his mind and heart were saying about Kagome right now. There was a lot of conflict there. Firstly, she was human. Secondly, his brother. Thirdly, the memory issue. Finally, that type of love was lost on him and because of her human nature, it would be extremely important to her. Sesshomaru could not promise to feel that way. Even if he was feeling differently, love was a different story.
"Where did Kagome go anyways?" Jaken asked, looking around.
Sesshomaru raised his head to sniff the air. He couldn't catch her scent. He stood up and looked the direction she had been walking. With a glance back to Jaken, the rest knew to wait there. Sesshomaru ran off toward the direction Kagome went and sniffed the air, trying to catch her scent.
.
.
Kagome couldn't understand why she was so upset. Something about this felt familiar and she didn't like it. Fighting with Sesshomaru over something stupid like this felt odd. She kept walking until she was out of sight and then continued even farther without realizing it. She was lost in thought and when she finally snapped out of it, she didn't know which direction to turn. She began running in a random direction, hoping it was the right one, but when the trees never opened to the clearing that they all settled in, she realized she went the wrong way and turned back around.
Kagome ran as fast as she could, but everything looked the same. She darted by tree after tree and never came to the clearing. She stopped and tried to listen to see if she could hear the river. If she found it, she remembered which direction the water was flowing when Rin was fishing. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to hear it and that threw her into a panic. Her heart began racing and she kept running.
"No…" Kagome thought as she looked left and right through the trees. "Where am I?"
Faster and faster she went, unable to find anything familiar. Her panic faded just enough that she came to a stop. If she kept running, she'd only get farther away from where she wanted to be. If she couldn't find them, Kagome had faith that Sesshomaru would be able to find her. However, she couldn't just stand still. She needed to find something to get her bearings, so she walked.
Kagome maybe walked for about thirty seconds before she found a very small clearing. She walked around a tree and immediately made eye contact with a red-eyed sabretooth cat demon. It ran into the clearing right as she stepped in and charged at her, letting out a low growl. Kagome turned away as quickly as she could and ran back the way she came, but the demon continued after her. She could hear it right behind her, getting closer, so she screamed in fear, hoping that Lord Sesshomaru would rescue her again.
"Wait!" she heard a male voice call out to her and looked to see another demon chasing her. This time it was a more human looking one with white hair and dog ears running along side her. "Stop running!"
"GET AWAY!" Kagome screamed and turned through the trees to try and lose him. She knew the chance of evading a demon was very low, but all she needed to do was buy her some time.
Kagome was running so quickly that she didn't see the suddenly drop. She ran over the edge and rolled down a steep hill that just seemed to keep going. Her body hit branches, rocks, and other hard surfaces until she rolled all the way to the bottom and into the river she had been looking for. The rough waters quickly took her south. As she tried to keep her head above water, she could see multiple people running along the shore to catch her, including the two demons she had been running from.
"She's going to end up over the waterfall." A woman in the group yelled.
Kagome looked back to see that a waterfall wasn't far off. She tried fighting against it, but was only pulled under the water by the strong current. Suddenly, she felt her body going over the edge and gravity taking over. She looked down to see rocks coming toward her, but was suddenly grabbed by the wrist and her descent ended. She looked up to see the large sabretooth cat demon and a woman riding it. Kagome was ready to panic again, but the woman's smile kept her from doing so. Somehow, she recognized the smile.
Soon, Kagome found herself on the ground at the edge of the river. She was suddenly surrounded by a group of strange people and did not like it. She looked around for Sesshomaru, but when she didn't see him, she stood up to run away again, but was suddenly blocked by a man in robes.
"Wait, wait. Don't run." He said, stretching his arms to block her way.
Kagome looked around at all of them, her heart racing. A ruffling in the trees caught everyone's attention. A familiar silver-haired demon came sliding to a stop behind the group. Kagome immediately pushed by all of them and ran to Sesshomaru for safety. She stood behind the demon, who raised an eyebrow at her and then looked to the people he knew to be her original friends.
"Sesshomaru." Inuyasha said and put his hand on Tetsusaiga's hilt. "Give Kagome back."