Stolen Sultras

Chapter Three

Goku: Food Wasters Go to Hell!

Thank you, FanCharacterMania, for telling me about this slogan, FOOD WASTERS GO TO HELL!

The last time we saw the Sanzoikkou, they were about to hold an eating (and drinking) contest with the Getbackers.

Today...

Goku woke up at 8 feeling pretty good. He hadn't slept so well since...Since last week. "It must be the vacation getting to my brain..." Who could blame him? He had a full meal for himself, for once. Not too much and not too little. Gojyo was 'busy' last night with something he wouldn't tell Sanzo. Goku didn't even want to know. Hakkai, on the other hand, was doing breathing exercises, supposedly for his drinking contest against Ban-chan today. At least Goku was hungry today. Sadly, Goku would have to wait a few more hours so he could have his eating contest against Ginji, with Hakkai up against Ban in the drinking department. Sanzo and Hevn would cover the tab, much to their own annoyance.

"Good Morning, Hakkai! What's for breakfast?"

Hakkai smiled. "I'm sorry, but no breakfast today."

Goku panicked. "Don't tell me...The eating contest?"

Gojyo clapped his hands. "Yes...The saru finally got something knocked into his thick skull. Too bad I can't join..."

Hakkai laughed softly. "You're always the first to get drunk anyway. Goku, you can eat this."

Goku stared at the green, limp object on his plate. "Cabbage?"

Hakkai smiled. "It aids in digestion...I think."

Gojyo laughed loudly. "There's a crazed doctor in the house..."

Goku sniffed the heaped vegetable on his plate. "I'm hungry, but not for this..." He yawned, still groggy. While his mouth was wide open, Gojyo stealthily flicked the limp cabbage into his mouth.

"Holy Sh...Stupid Kappa...", Goku spluttered as the oily cabbage slid down his throat.

Gojyo turned to Hakkai, ignoring Goku's insult. "Hakkai, What's that you're eating anyway?"

Hakkai smiled. "The same thing as Goku. Cabbage."

Goku raised an eyebrow. "Then why does yours look so much better?"

Hakkai's smile shrunk a few molars. "Ah, yours was the overcooked one."

2:00 PM

Sanzo yawned in the Honky Tonk Cafe, just standing, or rather sitting, by with the other three. He and Gojyo had eaten a bowl of noodles from the downtown fastfood restaurant, Goku and Hakkai had eaten nothing. Goku was starting to get whiny because of this.

"Hakkai...I need food...and fast... My stomach hurts."

Gojyo, always harsh and untolerant, retorted with "You'll be eating an entire buffet in two hours anyway. What's the point of eating now?"

Hakkai rested his head on one arm. "Me and Goku haven't eaten anything in 17 hours, well, except for cabbage..."

Goku smiled. "You tell him, Hakkai!"

Sanzo raised an eyebrow. "This is for our own good...And money. Hakkai agrees with me."

Different people were starting to pour in. There were the two guys from yesterday, one blind and one with long hair, a man with spiky hair tied up in a white headband, a green-haired girl, some guy in a tuxedo, a weird-looking guy with sunglasses and a ponytail, a guy wearing a wide-brimmed hat (guess who!), and Hevn.

Gojyo grinned widely. "If anyone asks, I'm busy..." Much to Sanzo's annoyance, he stood up and walked to Hevn and Himiko.

Sanzo looked at his watch for the fourth time that hour. "Those two should be here by now... I don't know how much more I can stand coming from you two."

Goku pointed to Hakkai. "Don't blame me. Hakkai starved me. But for some reason, I feel nauseous."

Hakkai stood up and left his cup of coffee empty. "Excuse me, I'll go to the Men's room now..." (Do I really need to tell you why?)

Goku stuck out his tongue. "Excuses, Excuses..."

Ginji and Ban came around 15 minutes after Hakkai came out of the washroom.

Sanzo glared at them. "You're late."

Ginji was unsurprised. "You're the one who's early."

Hakkai smiled. "At least they came."

Ban saw Gojyo out of one corner, with HEVN'S HAND ON HIS CHEST? Ban lost his temper.

Minutes after Ban strangled Gojyo, who soon had to be taken care of by the hospital, Sanzo looked at his watch. "We're 20 minutes behind, people. Take your seats..."

Sanzo looked up at Ginji and Goku, the game face taking effect. Well, Goku was looking a little nauseous. Nothing a little food woudn't cure. "You know the rules for the eating contest, First one to finish his whole pizz-" Sanzo was cut short.

Goku whined, "Sanzoo...Hurry up already so we can start the eating contest!"

Sanzo shook his head a few times. "I just saw something out of the corner of my eye...nevermind, First one to finish the 20 meatbuns, half-chocolate cake, and blue cheese wins. In 3...2...1...Go!"

The millisecond Sanzo fired his gun, Ginji and Goku started munching down their food.

Natsumi and Paul decided to act as commentary.

"Today's a bright, sunny day in Honky Tonk cafe and there's an eating contest going on!"

"Hey...Those are my karaoke devices! Anyways, looks like Ginji is in the lead!"

"A very messy lead. It's gonna take ages to clean that up."

Paul adjusted his sunglasses for a second. "Wait...Goku stopped halfway through the meatbuns!"

Gojyo, who was having his neck rubbed by Hevn and his back bandaged by Himiko, was the first to be surprised. "Eat, Saru! Eat for the sake of our money! What's wrong with you?"

Sanzo glared at Gojyo. "Our money? It was mine."

Goku held the sides of his stomach. "I don't feel so good..." He spat out the meatbuns, cabbage and wait...Cabbage? "This was your stupid fault, Hakkai! You gave me the overcooked cabbage!"

Hakkai scratched the back of his head. "I swear I read it correctly..."

Paul handed Hakkai his own copy of Nutrition for Dummies. "Cabbage, when overcooked may cause indigestion."

Hakkai slapped his forehead. "Sorry, Goku! I don't think you'll be eating much for the day!"

Ban laughed loudly. "Goku downed by his own dietician? You've got to be kidding me..."

Hakkai picked up Goku and put a bowl in front of his face.

Sanzo groaned. "Ginji, you can stop stuffing your face like a pig now. You won by default because somebody here accidentally fed Goku overcooked cabbage."

Hakkai stood over Goku apologizing over and over. "Gomennasai, gomennasai, gomennasai, gomennasai..."

Ginji hugged Ban. "We won the first round, Ban-chan! All you have to do is not get drunk yourself and we get rich!"

Ban pushed Ginji off his back. "You got chocolate cake all over me, Ginji."

Hakkai sat on his side of the table, surrounded by unopened cans of beer, just smiling without any worries. Ban on the other hand, also surrounded by cans of beer, was trying to unnerve Hakkai with hollow taunts.

Sanzo broke the exchange (of taunts) with his announcement. "First one to get drunk loses!"

Shido stood up from his seat between Gojyo and a mysterious guy wearing a wide-brimmed hat and shouted "GO, HAKKAI! BEAT SNAKE BOY!"

Ban was fuming. Hakkai blinked. "Turns out we already have quite a few fans..."

Sanzo bonked both Ban and Hakkai on the head. "Time to start in 3..2..1...GO!"

As you may well know, there was one chance out of a hundred that Hakkai could ever get drunk. And if he ever did, he would just lean on an arm and take a nap. Unlike Hakkai, Ban had a very low alcohol tolerance. The contest wasn't fair, but it was Mr. I'm-good-and-I'll-shove-that-in-your-face-glasses-guy Ban who suggested it. His fault.

30 minutes and 25 cans of beer later...

Ban put a hand to his head. "I-It's such a wonderful day outside..."

Hakkai laughed. "Have you lost it yet, Ban? That's my line."

Shido and Gojyo were busy shouting for Hakkai, though Shido was just doing it to piss Ban off. Ginji was the only one in the restaurant actually cheering for Ban. (The rest were just standing by) Goku was still on the verge of barfing whatever he had ingested after the cabbage.

Sanzo decided it was time to judge. He held up a fist. "How many fingers are these, men?"

Hakkai smiled. "None."

Ban put an arm on Sanzo's shoulder. "Heeeevn...What exactly did you do with that Gojyo guy...?"

Gojyo laughed. "He's lost it."

Hevn slapped Ban. "Are you gay or what? He doesn't have..."

Gojyo and Shido laughed twice as loud. Ban's judgement at this time was impaired. "Monkey boy..." He lowered his sunglasses and went back to his can of beer.

Shido immediately panicked while scratching himself and howling about monkeys.

Sanzo, when he regained his composture, asked Ban again. "How many fingers are these?" He held up three.

Ban blinked a couple of times and answered with a sleepy "Two?"

Sanzo raised an eyebrow. "No, you moron, it's four."

Hakkai laughed softly. "Three. Even the ref's drunk."

Gojyo had to take the torture of dragging Sanzo to the table. "I guess you won, Hakkai."

Ban stood up and started dancing around with Gojyo. "Hevn..."

Gojyo desperately tried to push Ban away from him. "You definitely won. STOP TRYING TO KISS ME, YOU PERVERT!"

The man wearing a wide-brimmed hat had tricked Ban while he was drunk, before he was knocked out, into telling him what he needed to know. The Getbackers, the most famous retrieval group in this side of Japan, were helping the crazy monk Sanzo and his chums retrieve the stolen Maten Sultra. This would be a little tough, considering that the retrieval agents had the powers of illusions, 100-kilogram grips and electricity at their disposal. As he found out in the cafe, the man in the tuxedo was there to watch the Getbackers. Turns out that he was one of their enemies. Meet Dr. Jackal, Ginji's worst nightmare. (I know the info is a little wrong...) The man entered his cushy hotel room only to be greeted by complaints.

"Kougaiji, Now can we go home? I'm sick of this place."

"Doku, I told you, not until we get legal papers. We don't really have another way to go home. Being a youkai does have its disadvantages... In the meantime, we've got to protect this."

Two women, one not exactly one, came out from the kitchen. The smaller one hugged Kougaiji. "I knew Oniichan could do it! You finally nabbed it..."

"But Kougaiji-sama, why did you disappear for two days?"

Kougaiji smiled. "All will be revealed soon. Oh, yes, we have a visitor. Meet Dr. Jackal."

A man in a tuxedo entered through the door. "Good afternoon everybody..."

After Paul had announced that today's contest was over...

Ginji now thought of the problem. "If I won, and Hakkai won, this means that we need a finisher round of some sort."

Hakkai shook his head. "Ban is kinda dizzy, Gojyo hates Ban, Goku can't eat for about 5 more hours and...I don't know..."

Goku grinned. "How about if Hakkai can stand being electrocuted at 500 volts for 10 seconds, he wins total?"

Gojyo suggested another. "Who can make the tallest beer bottle castle wins."

Ginji looked at his sleeping partner. "Ban can't..."

Goku grabbed Ginji's collar. "I challenge you to a rematch! This time, the beer bottle castle thing!"

Gojyo pointed a finger at Sanzo. "The referee is drunk. I'll be ref."

Ginji gave a slight shock to Goku to let him let go. "If you win, there's no price change. If I win, then it's doubled. OK?"

Hakkai's voice came in. "That's fine with us, but what about the 25 percent off?

Ginji replied. "It stays the same." He was glad Ban was unconscious or he surely would have gotten a knock on the head. Cans were magnetic from his electricity, after all.

Gojyo poked Ginji's forehead. "No using powers."

The contest didn't last long. Ginji's castle toppled over several times, while Goku made a decent replica of a temple using eighty-four cans in thirteen minutes.

Gojyo rang a bell. "As much as I'd hate to admit it, the saru wins."

Goku cheered for himself. Gojyo couldn't help but cheer too. Ginji was still attempting to build a decent castle.

Hakkai, responsible as always, interrupted Goku and Gojyo's rejoicing. "As soon as Ban and Sanzo sober up, we go look for the sultras."

Paul threw four mops at Hakkai's head. "And as soon as you guys clean this up too." He pointed a finger at Natsumi leaving, her shift was over, and then to the mess of cake, bun wrappers, beer and cheese.

Goku sighed. "Off to work we go. It makes me want to vomit again..."

For once in his life, Ginji was able to act as a drill-sergeant.

End of Chapter 3

Ashke: See, Hakkai, that wasn't much...

Hakkai: Thanks. What else can I do?

Ashke: Teach me how to drive!

Hakkai: -sweatdrop- Umm...OK...Just don't destroy the jeep.

Ashke: You guys still haven't cleaned up the mess in the Honky Tonk.

Sanzo: I paid for everything. I'm not cleaning that up.

Ginji: You're awake?

Hakkai: He's drunk, but awake.