When you meet Mai at the school lunch room the next day, her eyes are all puffy like she'd been crying all last night.
"Hi, Mai," you say, wearing a big smile. You want to cheer her up, after all, and smiles are infectious.
That just seems to make her look more miserable, and she sniffles a little. "Hi, Ganko," she says, in a sullen tone of voice. "What, um, how'd things go with Ten Man?"
"Oh." You fidget a bit, cheeks heating up with embarrassment at how dumb you were, trying to figure out how to explain.
Mai's shoulders drop, and she flops her head down onto the table, cheek hitting it. "You had sex with him, didn't you?"
"No! No, no no," you explain, hurriedly, and Mai perks up, her eyes boring into yours with intensity.
"What happened?" She asks, excitedly.
You're not really sure what's got her so excited to hear that you didn't have sex with Ten Man, but anything to cheer up your friend. "It turned out the guy I was talking to, wasn't really Ten Man! Though," you say, pausing, "well, he was kind of nice. He kind of reminded me of you, a little, which made me get to thinking..." you trail off, not really wanting to explain your thought.
"What were you thinking?" Mai asks, her voice sounding simultaneously afraid and excited. "What were you thinking?" She repeats.
"I thought the two of you might make a cute couple." Mai moans, her fingers absently clawing at her face, and you carry on. "Oh, come on. He was really nice! I know you've got that guy you like, but think about it, we could go on double dates together."
"I'd rather go on single dates together," Mai mumbles.
"Well, you don't have to bring me along," you say, and Mai's cheeks heat up, presumably at embarrassment at such a dumb verbal misstep. It's not really such a big deal, though. She gets way too emotional about stuff. Which reminds you. "Oh, yeah, why'd you run off crying last night? I couldn't leave the guy because I thought he was Ten Man, but I want to make sure you were okay."
"Oh." Mai struggles to speak, obviously having difficulty telling you about whatever hurt her. You reach across the table to her hand, taking it in yours, brushing your thumb across the backside as you stare into her eyes, trying to coax her into speaking. Her cheeks heat up as you do so, a nervous smile on your lips. "A-ah, some guy, pinched my butt, it was, um, no big deal, really," she stammers out.
"Oh. Okay then! But you look like you've been crying a lot since last night," you say.
"I just have somebody I want to pinch my butt, and they weren't the one who pinched it," Mai explains, her cheeks heating up. "In fact, I thought they were getting together with somebody else."
"Oh no!"
"Well, it turned out they weren't," Mai says, smiling at you, "so now I just have to make sure my feelings get through."
"How are you going to do that?"
Mai pauses. She's never been very good at that part of things. She's been swooning over this guy, who she says you know 'really well,' but she never actually makes the move! Sometimes a girl has to make the first move, you know? You can't just expect the guy to do everything! "I don't know. They can be really thick-headed sometimes, or maybe they're just pretending..."
"Don't settle for anything less than a 'go away you dumb bitch!'" You tell her, gripping her hand in yours tightly, drawing her eye back down to where you hold hers. "Nothing less than the clearest, firmest 'no' means that you should abandon hope. You need to make your feelings clear! If you're not making them clear, then how is the guy supposed to tell you 'yes, I love you and I want to be with you forever and have numerous babies with you!' He's not, that's how!"
Mai's cheeks heat up again. "W-well, we couldn't really... have babies together..."
"Then whatever, you know! Babies aren't everything." She'll definitely never make the first move, unless you do something. How can you make her do something, though?
Aha! The obvious solution! If you both do something together, then she'll feel like she has to take action!
"I've got it, Mai!" You say, with gusto. "How we'll both make our loves come true! We'll resolve to take the next step, me with Ten Man, you with your guy, together!"
"I don't think that's a good idea," Mai says.
"It's a great idea. It's decided! You and me, we're going to write up marriage resumes!"
Mai blinks, a degree of confusion in her eyes. "Huh?"
"It shows sincerity, and professionalism!" Your excitement makes you practically vibrate as you explain. "A guy doesn't want some good time gal, he wants to know he has a potential partner!"
"How would you know?" Mai asks.
You make a face. "Look, if he doesn't want to get married to you, what's the point?" You shake your head. "No! No tricking me with dumb questions! You're doing this, and then you're sending him the resume!" You squeeze her hands. "Agree! Or I'll break some bones!" You say, seriously. You wouldn't actually break any bones, but Mai could just regenerate anyways. It's to make her take you seriously.
Mai's cheeks heat up at that thought, her tongue nervously running across her upper lip, as she stares at her hand. Her breath is heavy with anxiety, but finally she nods. "Y-yeah," she says, with a nervous laugh. "I definitely wouldn't want you to hurt me," she says, her voice throaty and breathless from fear. "I'll, do it, for you," she manages to force out.
You let go of her hand, and she sags in relief. You didn't mean to scare her that bad. "H-hey, I'm just joking, Mai," you say, with a smile. "You're my friend! I wouldn't really hurt you!"
Her eyes unsteadily focus on you, and she licks her lips in nervous anxiety. "R-right, yeah, I knew that." She mutters something. "...why I agreed..." is all you can make out.
"Huh? Speak up!"
"N-nothing!" Mai says hurriedly. You're pretty sure it wasn't nothing, but muttering weird stuff under her breath in earshot of you and then acting like she didn't say anything is a natural and normal part of you and Mai's relationship.
"Well, okay, then," you say, giving her a smile. You pull out a sheet of paper. "I've been working on my marriage resume already," you explain, showing her what you've written.
Mai wears a forlorn look, no doubt afraid of writing a marriage resume to her love, and takes the paper, scanning it. Briefly, it looks like she thinks it's terrible, her brow furrowing in annoyance. Then she turns it into a smile. "This is great," she says. "You should definitely send this to Ten Man, no edits needed. It's perfect!"
"R-really?" You ask, and her eyelid twitces a little. "I thought it was a little light."
"No, no, it's to the point! Ten Man's a busy man! You can't waste his time with long explanations."
"Well, if you think so," you say, uncertainly, taking the resume back. "I guess we need to do your resume, then."
Mai's cheeks heat up for a bit, and she nervously chews her lower lip. She looks guiltily at your resume, no doubt jealous of your excellent work and wondering if she can manage the same. "Oh, yeah." She pauses, pursing her lips. Her expression holds in place for several long seconds. She slumps down in her seat. "Your resume's not very good, actually."
"What? But you just said it was perfect!"
"I was lying," she says.
"No! You're not getting out of this that easy!" You slam your fist down on the table, making her jump and look at you. "You're going to write your resume, not make up stuff about mine."
"It's really not very good."
"You said it was good, and you're changing your mind just as you have to write your own marriage resume. I know you think I'm dumb sometimes, but I'm not that dumb!" You shake your head. You can't believe she thought you'd fall for such a transparent ploy. "Come on, let's start. Mai Owada. Age: 18. Virginity status?" You ask.
Her cheeks glow. "W-waiting for that special someone," she says, looking away.
"Ooo, that's good. Maybe I should write that instead. Or waiting for you, Ten Man! That'd be good too. You have such a way with words."
"Thank you, Ganko," she says, with a soft smile on her lips.
"Anyway! Special skills?"
"Extreme M." Her eyes widen. "Wait don't write that!"
"Why? What does it mean?"
"It's, um, it's, ha ha," she gives a fake laugh, "just erase it, ha ha, it was, a dumb, um, it means, Extremely Mai, you know."
"Oh, I see," you say, nodding along. "Yeah, that's not very funny." You erase what you had written down. "Special skills?" You repeat.
"I know how to cook a number of dishes," she starts. Damn you wish you were a good cook like Mai. She makes good stuff! You just make crap. "I'm told I have a talent for wordplay," she adds, and you write that down too. "I'm really good at cuddles." You nod along, taking in all her inane skills. She probably knows better than you what her guy would find appealing, but a lot of this stuff is just dumb or boring to you. Seriously, why would anybody care that she can lick the tip of her nose with her tongue? It's a neat trick, but it's not really resume stuff! What's so great about that? Does the guy really like party tricks or something? You really can't see any use for a long tongue in day to day life. But Mai knows best!
Soon enough, there's a prodigious list of her many 'charm points.' "Do you think it's accurate?" Mai asks.
"Hm?" You look over the list. "Yeah. I don't see anything that's a lie."
"So, what if a guy sent you a resume like this?"
You give a laugh. "Well, I'd have to tell him that my heart belongs to Ten Man!"
"What about after Ten Man?" Mai asks, uncertainly.
"After Ten Man? There's no 'after Ten Man!' We're going to get married and have lots of sex and a bunch of babies."
Mai sighs, almost wilting in front of you. "...right..." she mumbles, with a sigh. "What about all the other guys you thought were the one?"
"Those were just mistakes. Not like with Ten Man!" You shake your head. "Besides, they were boys! Ten Man is, well, a man! He won't do something dumb like break up with me because I sent him 100 text messages telling him how much I love him and was thinking about him."
Mai sighs wistfully. "I wouldn't get mad if you sent me a hundred text messages telling me you love me and were thinking about me," she says, fluttering her eyelashes.
"Thanks, then," you say, uncertainly. "But I wouldn't send you that many text messages because I don't love you." Mai almost immediately bursts into tears. "No, no! I mean, I love you, as a friend, but not in a romantic way, Mai!" Mai continues to cry, weeping uncontrollably into her hands. "Come on, we're best friends! Don't cry!"
It's to no avail. For whatever incomprehensible reason, Mai's inconsolable until class starts again, at which point you regrettably have to leave her be. She can get weepy for no reason, sometimes. She should probably work on that.
Once you get home, you look up Ten Man's address online and send him your marriage resume (complete with a flatter photo of yourself!). Mai accidentally sends you the resume for her love target, and you tell her as much, which makes her cry. Understandable! It probably took a lot for her to work up the courage to send her love target that resume, but then she accidentally sent it to you instead, and now she has to muster up that courage all over again. It's really a tragedy. You offer to send it yourself, but she just cries harder at that. She must not want your pity, you decide.
You get your response from Ten Man just four days later.
Dear Fan,
That's you! You're his fan!
I recently received a touching letter from you. I greatly appreciate the thoughtfulness and emotions you put into it. I'm afraid I can't meet any fans except in the context of an official convention or other meet-and-greet, or in the course of my duties, due to the rules and bylaws of the Official Justice Charter for Heroes. Please, keep your eye on me, and send more of your support!
Your Hero,
Ten Man
He read your resume! You practically squeal as you read it, a rapturous smile on your lips. Ten Man's so amazing and wonderful and kind and thoughtful and you want him to be amazing and wonderful and kind and thoughtful in bed with you.
Hm. He didn't answer your request for a marriage meeting, or send his own marriage resume. No, wait! Aha! You see it now! It says right here that he can't meet you, except in the context of an official convention or other meet-and-greet, or in the context of his duties! Obviously, he would love a marriage meeting, but he can't! You'll show him your love, by making it happen all on your own! He'd doubtlessly really appreciate that.