Disclaimer: see first two chapters
"Sodomy non sapiens." "What does that mean?" "Buggered if I know."
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The scene opened with Remy complaining. "How come Remy have to sing this? Why you make Remy take off his trenchcoat? Remy don' mind bein' shirtless, but w'out his trenchcoat? Y'be crazy?"
B A, you have the right accent. B, they didn't have trenchcoats back then. And C, I like ogling you, though you're not nearly as pale as I should like. Now start singing, or I'll get the Jamies to put Icy-Hot in your boxers./B
"Pretty damn hard to do that," Remy smirked. "Remy don' wear underwear. Remy goes commando."
The story pauses as every girl on set relishes the mental image.
B Fine. I'll get the Jamies to destroy your trenchchoat./B
Jamie held up a lighter and Remy's coat.
Remy blanched and started singing. "IDo you remember the good years in Canaan?
The summers were endlessly gold
The fields were a patchwork of clover
The winters were never too cold
We'd stroll down the boulevard together
No hint of this tragic decline
Now the fields are dead and bare
No joie de vivre anywhere
Et maintenant we drink a bitter wine.../I"
The other guys joined in."IThose Canaan days we used to know
Where have they gone?
Where did they go?
Eh bien, raise your berets
To those Canaan days/I"
Remy took the lead again. "IDo you remember those wonderful parties?
The splendour of Canaan's cuisine
Those extravagant, elegant soirees
The gayest the Bible has seen.../I"
Everyone gave the guys weird looks.
"It wasn't like –that-!" Ray protested.
Remy continued singing. "I It's funny but since we lost Kurt
We've gone to the other extreme
No-one comes to dinner now
We'd only eat them anyhow
I even find I'm missing Kurt's dreams.../I We'd only eat them? Remy ain't a cannibal! Deliverance boy, maybe, but not Remy!"
With a loud THWACK! Sam punched Remy square in the face, tackling the Cajun with his Farm-boy Fists of Fury (tm). The other boys continued singing as Sam beat the heck out of Remy.
"IThose Canaan days we used to know
Where have they gone?
Where did they go?
Eh bien, raise your berets
To those Canaan days.../I"
Remy got up, clutching his jaw and pinching a bleeding nose.
"I It's funny, but since we lost Kurt
We've gone to the other extreme
Perhaps we all misjudged the lad
Perhaps he wasn't quite that bad
And how we miss his entertaining dreams
Those Canaan days we used to know
Where have they gone?
Where did they go?
Eh bien, raise your berets
To those Canaan days.../I Remy be killing you now, you stupid hick."
B Stop fighting! Sam, as punishment...Jamie, prepare the Wedgie of Doom! (tm)/B
Sam was dragged offstage by the Jamies, and was replaced by Pyro.
Callisto, wincing as she saw what was happening to Sam, appeared onstage.
"ISo back in Canaan the future looked rough
Kurt's family were finding it tough/I"
The boys started singing. "IFor the famine has caught us unprepared
We are thin, we are ill, we are getting scared
It's enough to make anyone weep
We are down to our very last sheep
We will starve if we hang around here
And in Egypt there's food going spare
They've got corn, they've got meat, they've got food and drinks
And if we have the time we could see the Sphinx /I"
"I So they finally decided to go Off to Egypt to see brother Kurt
So they all lay before Kurt's feet /I"
"IMighty prince, give us something to eat/I"
"IKurt found it a strain not to laugh because
Not a brother among them knew who he was /I"
"I I shall now take them all for a ride
After all they have tried fratricide.../I And I love seeing them grovel. Bow before me, ye unworthy fools!" Kurt laughed evilly. Callisto poked him. "Okay, okay, I'll get back to the singing...I I dreamed that in the fields one day, the corn gave me a sign
Your eleven sheaves of corn all turned and bowed to mine
I dreamed I saw eleven stars, the sun and moon and sky
Bowing down before my star -- and now I realize why
How do I know where you come from?
You could be spies
Telling me that you are hungry -- that could be lies
How do I know who you are?
Why do you think I should help you?
Would you help me?
Why on earth should I believe you?
I've no guarantee /I Oh, I love acting evil..."
"That's my boy!" Mystique cheered, sniffling a bit. "I'm so proud..."
"A-HEM!" Todd shouted. The guys got back on track.
"IGrovel, grovel, cringe, bow, stoop, fall
Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl
We are just eleven brothers, good men and true
Though we know we count for nothing when up next to you
Honesty's our middle name
Life is slowly ebbing from us, hope's almost gone
It's getting very hard to see us from sideways on
Grovel, grovel, cringe, bow, stoop, fall
Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl /I"
"II rather like the way you're talking, astute and sincere
Suddenly your tragic story gets me right here /I."
"IThis is what we hoped you'd say /I"
Kurt looked mockingly sympathetic.
IAll this tugging at my heartstrings seems quite justified
I shall give you what you came for and lots more beside /I"
"IThank you, thank you, cringe, bow, stoop, fall
Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl /I"
Callisto appeared again, explaining what happened next.
"IKurt handed them sackloads of food
And they grovelled with base gratitude
Then, unseen, Kurt nipped out around the back
And planted a cup in young Benjamin's sack
When the brothers were ready to go
Kurt turned to them all with a terrible stare and said /I"
"No! No! No! No! No!"
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