Chapter 14

Connie ignored the concerned glances that were thrown her way as she entered the topmost room of the observatory with Peridot trailing close behind her. The glass room was blindingly bright and hot in the nearly midday sun, though its nonhuman occupants seemed unaware.

Amethyst and Lapis leaned casually against one of the metal desks, though their pinched expressions revealed their anxiety. Pearl stood close by, the very picture of serene patience.

The chaotic events that had occurred in the courtyard a few short moments ago flew from her mind as she watched Peridot trot past her, joining her hand with Lapis'. The group exchanged a fleeting glance.

Connie cleared her throat as she crossed the room in a few, determined steps. When she had everyone's attention, she spoke; the hard edge to her sore voice surprised everyone, including her.

"This is getting ridiculous. Steven has been gone for over two weeks now, and we've done nothing! Come on guys, he's…do you not realize just how serious his situation is?!" She pondered for half a moment, trying her best to come up with something, anything to make them understand. She took a step closer to the victims of her tirade, her voice raising acerbically.

"I didn't give details the first time for Greg's sake, but he is so much worse than "not particularly good," The words felt ridiculous to say now, as she pulled up the mental image of how Steven looked in the dream-space, "He was starved, covered in scars and bruises, and caked in dried blood. I hardly recognized him! He's being tortured out there, and he's counting on us to find him, and what the hell have we been doing?!" Her rant came to an abrupt stop and she stood there, panting through her immense anger. Her fingernails dug painfully into her palms from the tight fists she was holding, but she didn't break her burning gaze from the gems in front of her.

The reaction to her outburst was mixed, to say the least. Amethyst had her head bent all the way to her chest, hiding behind her curtain of silvery hair in shame. Connie knew that she had been taking the blame for Steven's kidnapping on herself, but something had to give, and Connie couldn't bring herself to feel bad, not when Steven was still lost. She could always apologize later, when this was all over.

A tiny flame of anger was lit behind Lapis' ocean-deep eyes, an instinctual reaction to anyone trying to exercise authority over her, but she knew it was unwarranted. She blinked once and it was gone, replaced by the dim shadow of guilt. Her lean arms wrapped insecurely around her chest as she thought about the sacrifice she'd have to make. The tiny green gem standing protectively in front of her knew it too, though she'd never ask.

Peridot merely leveled Connie with flat, calculating eyes. Slowly, she lifted a hand, and a tablet floated across the silent room into Connie's hands. On the screen were blueprints.

She saw the tops of three buildings, each with a huge satellite attached to its inner-facing wall. The plans informed her that a new, complicated web of orbiting satellites was in production, and would be ready for launch by the end of the week.

"If that gem comes back here," Peridot started quietly, "she won't be getting away again. I understand that you're frustrated, Connie. We're doing the best we can with what we have, which is almost nothing."

Connie huffed with frustration, marching over and shoving the tablet into Peridot's hands, perhaps a bit too aggressively. "She won't be coming back, don't you see that? She had surprise on her side this time, but she probably knows that we'll be waiting for her, should she come back. It's a waste of time."

"It's all we can do."

Peridot's earnest response rang sour to Connie, sounding like an excuse. She took a deep breath in, steadying herself.

The door burst open behind them, admitting Bismuth's bulky form. Something about her presence seemed to ease the tension in the room as she casually strolled over to them, brushing dust from her broad, muscled shoulders.

"Did you guys see that mess out there? Crazy!" She paused shortly, shaking her head and sending a cloud of powder-fine dust into the air. "Of course, for as long as I've been building, I've seen things go wrong just about every way they can. But, man! The way Ruby and Sapphire just…swooped in and saved the day, that was incredible! Do you think they'd mind if we asked them to be the official accident-prevention squad around here? They really seemed to enjoy it…"

The sound of Bismuth's voice faded to the back of Connie's awareness as she noticed something. Above Amethyst's face, which now peered sheepishly from behind her veil of hair, Pearl was watching. Her lithe body was still faced dutifully towards Lapis, poised to serve, but her pale eyes wandered.

Following her line of sight, Connie found Bismuth shaking the rest of the dust from her rainbow locs as she spoke avidly about the morning's events. With heightened interest, she turned back towards Pearl, studying her.

Pearl didn't seem to notice the scrutiny; she seemed totally absorbed on the hulking grey gem, her face flushed with what appeared to be fascination. Connie thought about how Pearl's eyes had followed Bismuth's retreat from the battlefield the other day, so full of burning curiosity and, perhaps this was wishful thinking, something akin to wonder.

"...what do you think, Connie?"

Her name snapped her attention back to the present, and a small ember of excitement burned in her stomach.

"I think…I have an idea." Flashing across the room, she stood on her toes to whisper in Lapis' ear. The blue gem frowned, then nodded.

"That…could work. Let's try it." The look of relief was evident on her face; perhaps she didn't need to make that sacrifice after all. She nodded once more, then turned to Pearl.

"Pearl, Bismuth needs some help today. Could you go with her today, and do whatever she asks?" She cringed outwardly at how harsh she sounded, but really, she would never get used to ordering someone else around.

Pearl's wide eyes flashed back to her master, and she nodded excitedly.

Bismuth threw Connie a distressed glance, looking between her and Lapis. Pearl floated to her side, though she still couldn't understand why.

With a pointed look, Connie gestured for them to exit together. Once the door closed behind them, Peridot and Amethyst looked at her questioningly.

"I've noticed Pearl showing some interest in Bismuth for a few days now, and I think, maybe, this could be a missing piece. I'm hoping Bismuth can help her along. If this works out, we'll have Pearl back. If not…I don't know what else to do."

"We have to believe that it will work. That's all we can do." Lapis comforted her, offering a small, reassuring smile. Her hand was taken by a petite green one, which gave a gentle squeeze. She looked down at Peridot, the corners of her mouth pulling up.

Peridot sighed, then groaned. "Well, we have a useless, crumpled pile of satellite to clean up, and a defective bracket to replace. I guess that should keep us fairly busy for the next few hours."

…

Spinel was careful not to wake Steven as she stepped over his prone form, picking up the empty food wrappers that were spread throughout the room. Moments ago, she had thought she had them all, but upon returning to her corner, she noticed strays lingering in the shadows. Really, she thought, this place was too dark.

Looking up to the dirt ceiling, she noted just how foggy and grimy the warp had become over the past few thousand years. The barest touch of light filtered through the dust, casting the room in a very sad, grey light. Of course, the room had never been very well-lit,but she used to be able to see in here.

She observed Steven's even, deep breaths as he slept peacefully. Their conversation earlier had…changed things, somewhat. Now, when she looked down at him, she saw her past love, changed against her. Her head pounded, and tears burned behind her eyes as she wondered how things had gotten this bad. No matter which way she looked at it, no matter what angle she pushed, Pink had still left her stranded for six thousand years. She had left her, for whatever reason, and then, for all intents and purposes, she had made herself forget.

Of course, she couldn't hold Steven himself responsible for that; he was as unaware of Pink's motives as she was. He'd have to remember, so they could both finally have their answers.

"Mmph.." Steven tossed his head to the side, mumbling. A crease formed between his eyes, as if he was hurting.

Spinel frowned down at him, unnerved. She didn't like when he slept so uneasily; from what little she knew of human sleep, it was supposed to be restful. Steven always woke up with deeper bruises under his eyes, growing more and more lethargic. It confounded the pink gem, who couldn't understand what she was doing wrong. He had sleep, he had water, and he even had food; real, human food!

What could she possibly be missing? Was Steven dying because she was missing some thing that human bodies needed, that she didn't know about?

She shook her head, flicking the thoughts from her attention as she carefully laid the trash into the empty cardboard box in the corner. She couldn't focus on that right now, when he wasn't even awake to answer her questions.

She closed the door to the hallway as quietly as possible, climbed up the inlaid ladder, and slipped out into the starlight. The sloshy bag of alien fruits rotted away a few feet from the trapdoor, and were quickly joined by the box of plastic garbage.

"This place is really getting messy," she sighed. An idea struck her, just as she was contemplating going back down to watch Steven sleep.

She had at least a few hours until Steven woke back up, and she would use that time to make this place just a bit more bearable for him.

…

"Spinel, you're a mess!"

It wasn't much for an explanation or apology, but his heart nearly burst with joy from hearing her voice again. Her pink eyes gazed down at him softly, but he could see the tightness at the edges of her mouth that made him worry.

Weeks of panic sprang out with his voice before he could stop himself.

"Please don't leave me again! Oh, Pink, please just stay, I've missed you so much…" Fat tears rolled down his cheeks at the thought of the time spent by himself, constantly longing for her company.

.

"I'm not going anywhere, love." Her own voice rumbled in her chest, which tightened with guilt. She had left Spinel in such a hurry, she didn't get to explain why she had to go. Ever since she forced herself back out into the entrance hall, only to find it empty, she had hid away in shame.

How could she face Spinel, knowing what she knew? Knowing that being together could kill them? Maybe, she had thought, it was better if Spinel got over her. I would hurt for a while, but then they'd both be better off, hopefully.

In the end, it was her own selfishness that drew her back into the glowing garden, where she knew her other half would be waiting for her, ever devoted.

She had been waiting, disheveled as she was, just next to the warp.

"Listen," She sat down on the edge of the crystalline warp pad, patting the spot next to her invitingly, "I'm…sorry. For leaving you the way I did. I promise you, I didn't want to go. I…I hope you can forgive me." Her eyes dropped to the startled gem staring up at her in awe.

Spinel's hair, which usually sat in neat little buns, was strewn about her rounded face, and her clothes were streaked with dirt and grime. The time apart had obviously been so very hard on her, and Pink had to fight back tears knowing she was the cause of her closest friend's pain.

.

She was asking for his forgiveness? Some part of his mind recognized that he did deserve the apology he was being given, but that was overshadowed by his tremendous relief.

Pink was back, and she still loved him. His world, which had ground to a halt at Pink's departure, started to move again. Everything was going to be okay.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Pink! I shouldn't have left the palace, I should have followed you, I'm sorry!"

Pink's ringing laughter was a balm on his distressed mind. She sighed, and placed a warm hand on his cheek.

"Spinel, don't be ridiculous. I knew where you were, I should've come for you sooner. To be honest…I was afraid you'd be mad at me."

Steven opened his mouth to argue, but he was halted by a gloved finger pressed to his lips.

"By all means, you should be mad at me, don't try to tell me otherwise. Listen, I…" She trailed off for a moment, looking troubled. "I was scared. I ran away from you because we're…in trouble. Do you remember those two gems that came into the throne room as you were leaving that day?"

He did remember; he also remembered seeing their shattered remains, glittering in magical bubbles. The hidden graveyard of destroyed gems had plagued his thoughts in his solitude. He nodded silently, trying to keep his expression clear of the horror that suddenly crept up his spine.

"Well, they were on a trial of sorts. For some reason, White didn't want any Zircons or any other witnesses there; it was just them and all four of us Diamonds. They looked so scared." Her hands wrung absentmindedly in her lap. "The Morganite that the Ruby was assigned to caught her with an Emerald's Pearl. Like, together. At first, the Morganite didn't recognize them, but they were so scared that they split apart, and they were immediately taken into custody."

A cold wave of dread washed over Steven as he realized what had happened to them, and suddenly, Pink's flight of terror made perfect sense.

"White…I've never seen her like that before. She wasn't even mad, she just seemed, kind of…excited? She let the Ruby and Pearl explain themselves, and then, before we could even reach a verdict, she started to hurt them." Tears swam in her glowing eyes, and shivers ran down her arms. Steven could almost imagine it, how White's face would light up in glee from torturing some smaller gems.

"I can still hear them…they screamed so loud. I don't even know what she was doing to them, they were just covered in a bright light, and it cracked them, like lightning. The next thing I knew, they were two piles of shards on the ground."

Silence filled the air around them, thick and suffocating. Of course Pink had run, after witnessing that. Memories of Pink's panic-stricken face played over in his mind, and he finally understood. She had seemed so pale, so terrified. As she stepped out of the throne room, she probably expected to be struck down from behind by the all-knowing White, who apparently killed any gem that went against her idea of perfection.

White.

Above Pink's face in his memory, the piercing eyes of White Diamond pinned his, a smirk tugging the edges of her mouth upwards. Bile crawled up his throat, his dawning dismay nearly drowning his voice out.

"Do you think…She knows? About us?" He didn't have to say her name; Pink knew who he meant.

She sighed, "I don't know. I used to think she knew everything, but I don't think you'd still be alive if she even suspected us. I don't think she'd shatter me, but you would be lost. That's why I couldn't bring myself back here…I can't lose you, Spinel. I love you too much."

"But…why did you come back? Not that I'm complaining!" He was quick to correct himself, still worried that she might decide to leave again.

Pink leaned down and pressed her lips to his, gently swiping stray hairs from his grimy cheeks. She broke away, and he was once again mesmerized by the unique hue of her irises. Her breath tickled his face as she sighed again, then spoke.

"Oh, Spinel…I came back because I missed you!"

She grinned and wrapped her arms around him; he was engulfed in her sweet, floral scent, and the world finally seemed right again.

…

Steven's head swam as he stirred and cracked open his eyes, only to squeeze them shut again. Pain bloomed behind his left eye in the unusual brightness of the room, and for a second, he thought someone was warping in.

He sat bolt upright, ignoring his throbbing headache and staring up at the warp pad above. It was clear, almost completely see-through; he could even make out a few speckled blotches of stars shining down at him. No one was warping in, the pad was just really clean. It looked much more like a regular window now, and he didn't have to wonder why for long.

A pink-gloved hand rested at the edge of it, and he could see Spinel's face screwed up in concentration as she scrubbed at a particularly tough stain with a fistful of dried grass.

His blood ran cold. Spinel. The sight of her, with her messy hair and streaked face seared into the forefront of his mind, dragging up images from his dream.

He had seen her. Not from her looking at her reflection, or a drawing; he had seen through the eyes of Pink Diamond. He had spoken in Pink Diamond's voice, he had witnessed her thoughts. He had been Pink Diamond.

He could no longer deny the truth. I am my mom.

Part of him had always known, deep down, that he never had a choice. One way or another, she would take everything from him, including his life. But how could he be upset about that, at this point? The person he was upset with was himself. He was his mom, he was the one who had orchestrated and caused all of his, he just couldn't remember.

Emotions flashed through his mind faster than he could name them, a flurry of hate and fear and hopelessness. Strangest of all though, he felt a burgeoning sense of relief.

When White Diamond had torn his gem from his body, leaving his human half to die, he thought that would be his end. Through the crushing weight of his own body failing him, he still found enough energy to lift his eyes, to watch his heart fall from those menacing claws in a blinding glow. He watched as the faceted diamond was overtaken by a growing mass of light, shaping and reshaping itself over and over. His heart stopped as the distinct form of Pink Diamond hovered above the ground for half of a second, confirming his worst fear; in that short moment, he had nearly accepted his death. Then, Rose Quartz stood proud in front of her defeated Crystal Gems and the Diamonds she had rebelled against. Finally, a glowing pink Steven dropped to his sandalled feet. He was, to his core, his very own person.

That short memory, fuzzy around the edges from his near-death, had sustained him any time he had doubted his existence.

Now, as he looked back on that moment, he wondered why he had never realized the truth. In front of his very eyes, he watched Pink change to Rose; no one could question that Pink and Rose were the same person. Then he had seen her change into his form.

The idea struck him as obvious now; Pink Diamond, Rose Quartz, and Steven Universe were all the same person.

He was, for now, still his own person, whatever that meant. But that wouldn't last. He was remembering his past life now. His entire body shivered in terror at his next thought.

How much of himself was he going to lose, in remembering thousands of years of his life? If he continued to remember being Pink, he would no longer be just a sixteen-year-old boy; he would have who knows how many thousands of years of feelings and experiences to deal with. His breath hitched and he felt tears prickle behind his eyes. He didn't want to lose himself.

The figure on the window above him disappeared in a flash, and Steven was forced to drag his thoughts back to the present; no matter what earth-shattering revelations he was in the middle of, Spinel was still unpredictable and dangerous. He needed to be wary.

A moment later the wall across from him split open in a toxic pink glow, and she entered, wiping the dust from her hands onto her pants. She idly picked off a strand of pale, dry grass, letting it drop to the floor as she stepped closer to him. She held herself proudly with her hands on her hips, staring at the ceiling as she spoke.

"Whatcha think? It's not much, but look at how much better you can see in here!" She sounded so proud of herself, and Steven could see it in her eyes.

His own opinion on the now-cleaned warp pad was too heavily influenced by the pounding headache it was giving him, so he chose not to respond. Instead, he simply nodded, letting a sheet of his hair fall over one side of his face, granting him a little bit of relief.

"You look…upset, Steven. What's wrong?" She plopped down on the ground in front of him, staring.

Her wide, bright eyes unnerved him, and he shifted uncomfortably. "It's just a headache. The light is nice, it just, um, it kinda hurts." he gestured weakly at his face, where his eye was covered in oily black curls.

Spinel looked taken aback, and Steven could see the guilt written in her grimace. "Oh," was all she could manage to say in response.

Tense silence filled the room, and he watched Spinel chew on her bottom lip anxiously. She obviously felt bad about the pain she was causing him, but it hadn't even been a week since she had decided to rejuvenate him a second time, right after punching him in the face. Not to mention how she had tortured him with the fact that his family couldn't remember him.

Steven found it very difficult to feel bad for her.

Sure, her attitude had changed significantly towards him recently, but that was only because she thought he was Pink. I am Pink, he reminded himself.

So what if she was right. It didn't matter that she was just exacting her revenge on someone who had obviously traumatized her; he had never consciously harmed anyone, in his entire sixteen-and-a-half years of life. Or had he been alive for much, much longer than that?

His thoughts and ideas concerning his strange existence sprang back up, dragging with them a horde of new questions and concerns. If he was Pink Diamond, did he hurt Spinel? Did he deserve this revenge? There was no one else in the universe Spinel could take this out on, except for the one person responsible, or what was left of them. He had always felt responsible for his mother's actions, why should this be any different? He remembered his spiteful thoughts from yesterday, when he figured that Pink was finally getting what she deserved. He hadn't really believed what Spinel was trying to tell him, but now it was undeniably true. Before he was fully aware of them, he felt hot tears of helplessness trailing down his cheeks. He sniffed loudly, turning his face away from Spinel; he didn't want her pity.

"Steven, I'm sorry!"

Her voice burst through the din of his thoughts, and he looked up, startled. She was apologizing? Her eyes welled with tears, and she lifted herself up on her knees until their faces were level.

"I know this is hard on you, and I'm so sorry for hurting you-" Her voice broke off in a raspy breath, and she steadied herself. "I'm sorry I hurt you so much, Steven. You had no clue what was going on, or who I even was, and I let my anger take over. I didn't think there was ever a chance that I could understand why she did what she- why she-" A loud sob broke her voice again, and she continued from behind her hands, "why she LEFT ME!"

Her high-pitched yell echoed around the room, and Steven flinched involuntarily. Luckily, Spinel was still crying into her hands, so she didn't notice.

"I know this isn't easy, or nice, but I know you want to remember, too." Her hands dropped, revealing her red, puffy face streaked with tears. "She hurt you too, and you want to know why."

Wiping his cheeks, Steven leveled his gaze numbly at the wall above her head. "You're wrong."

This gave her some pause, and she stared at him, working hard to keep her breaths steady. "What?"

"I said, you're wrong. There is no me and her. I am Pink Diamond. I always have been."

His words felt like a bomb dropped into the crowded room, so strong was the reaction. Saying the words out loud made them real. It was a sledgehammer that had been struck against the well-constructed dam that had held back his doubts all his life. Everything came rushing out now, the stark realization that he never really existed, and that he was on the verge of losing himself. Sobs wracked his frame as he curled in on himself, far beyond controlling the guttural cries that flowed from his mouth, filling the chamber with the sounds of a wounded, dying animal. Which, he supposed, he almost was.

…

Spinel was frozen, staring at the boy as he dropped to his side on the ground, pulling at his own hair. What did he mean by that? She sat helpless, her mind running in circles. What could have made him realize that he was Pink? She looked around them, taking in the sight of their old hideaway. Could this have triggered some kind of memory?

I never told him my name, yet he knew it.

She gasped out loud. Steven was remembering! Joy burst like fireworks in her heart, and for the first time in millennia, she felt real hope. It was intoxicating, almost too much for her to bear.

But, why did Steven look so…heartbroken? The sounds of his ragged sobs filled her head, drowning out her happiness. Was this hurting him? It must be, she thought as she watched his face scrunched up in a pained grimace.

Could the human brain even cope with that much? From what she could tell, humans were only meant to live for around a century, and even then, they started to forget things way before then. How could his brain possibly hold thousands of years worth of memory? The answer came easily to her: it simply couldn't.

But Steven wasn't just human. Gems kept their memories in their gems, and Steven definitely had one of those. So, that ruled out his mind breaking apart violently. Then, why is he crying like that? In the short time she had known him, she put him through so much physical and emotional torture, yet, he had never broken like this.

She shuffled closer to him, and her hand floated hesitantly over his shaking shoulder as she tried to come up with something, anything to comfort him.

"Steven…I-" Suddenly, his hand flew out, smacking hers away.

"DON'T! You're finally getting what you want, so don't even pretend to care!" He spat the words, glaring at her.

His outburst was expected, yet still startling. But, most of all, it was understandable. She had given him no reason to believe she cared about him. From his point of view, she only cared about getting Pink Diamond back, and he probably thought she would gladly have him die in the process.

She kept her hand resting against her gem this time as she spoke. "Steven, please. I don't want you to hurt." Her breath faltered as she considered her next words. "You don't have to remember if you don't want to, if it's hurting you." The way he looked up at her from the floor, curled up and angry, reminded her of a cornered animal ready to lash out.

"I don't have a choice. I can't stop it. I'm going to remember everything, and then I'll be gone. You'll have Pink back, so it's fine. Everyone will be so happy." The words sounded so bitter, but she could see a sad sort of relief in his eyes.

"Is that what you think your family wants? Is that what you think… I want?"

Steven's derisive scoff made her flinch. She knew what his answer would be.

"Of course it's what you want. My family might have been sad if they even knew who I was, but you fixed that for me."

The defeat written on his face nearly broke her heart. It was her fault. She made him think she wanted him to be a sacrifice. Not just her, but his family as well. He had told her about how his entire life he felt like a poor replacement for his mom, and how her life had always weighed so heavily on his. She was angry at herself, sure, but she felt a flare of rage towards the Crystal Gems for planting the idea in his head in the first place. How could they, to someone who, by all means, was helpless? He had no choice, and yet they still treated him like a disappointment for existing. He looked to them to teach him how to live, and they filled his head with notions of not being good enough, and needing to become someone else; someone he had never even known. Because of them, he hated himself.

Spinel felt the strangest urge to help him, though she didn't know how. By all appearances, the damage had already been done. He had to know, she had to make him understand, that she didn't want him gone. Would he even believe her?

"I don't want you to go, Steven. I told you…you're different. You aren't like her at all, and I like that about you. If getting Pink back means losing you," She paused as Steven's eyes met hers. He never looked as vulnerable than he did in that short moment. "If it means you'll disappear, then I don't want her back."

Shock flitted across his teary face, followed by confusion. "Why?" His voice croaked out sorely, and he cleared his throat, looking down.

Tears welled in her eyes as she looked down at him, hoping he could sense the sincerity in her voice.

"You deserve to live, Steven."

…

Author's note: Things are about to get kinda…crazy :D

I've long since accepted the fact that I'm not in control of where this story is going; the characters write themselves and do whatever they want to do, I'm just here as a conduit.

Thank you so much for reading, and please let me know what you think :)