Chapter 15

"You deserve to live, Steven."

Shock flashed through his mind, preventing him from processing what he was hearing. Spinel had just said that to him, ardently and without a hint of doubt. She really seemed to mean it.

How? Steven was numb with disbelief, and he expected her to burst out laughing, tell him she was just kidding, then punch him across the jaw for good measure. There was absolutely no way she actually wanted him to stay, when her goal was finally within her reach. To her, the end of his life would mean less than nothing. She should be overjoyed.

Instead, she just stared into his eyes quietly, waiting for him to respond.

What the hell was he supposed to say? Thanks?

"You…you hate me." His voice shook as he said it, but he meant every word. "You've only kept me alive so you could get Pink back. She's all you care about.'

She chewed her lip, and Steven realized she did that often when she seemed anxious. He cut her off before she could respond, anger flaring in his chest.

"Why do you suddenly care, after doing nothing but hurting me since I've met you? I should be dead. You've nearly killed me more times than I can count, and now you want me to live? I call bullshit." The cuss felt foreign in his mouth, twisting it in an unfamiliar way. He had never been one to use foul language, but really, he'd never been so angry.

She seemed at an even greater loss for words then. The tears that flowed down her cheeks, following the black streaks to drip into her shirt only served to infuriate him more. Rather than continue to rant at her, though, he let his fury fill the silent air.

Spinel took a shaky breath, clenching her hands into fists on her lap. "Listen, Steven. I know that you have no reason, at all, to believe me. But I do care about you, and I do want you to live. Not because I think you're Pink Diamond, but because you've treated me so much better than I deserve. Even though I was hurting you, and was acting like I wanted to kill you, you still tried to help me out. You asked me why I was upset instead of just hating me for it."

She looked down then, her face crumbling into a grimace. Her breaths came out short and sharp as she reigned herself back in. Her hands were shaking as she reached for one of Steven's clenched fists, hovering midair as if she were waiting for him to pull away, or worse, slap her again. When he did neither, she gently placed her fingers to his skin, and Steven could feel how cold they were through her gloves.

"I am so sorry, Steven. You never deserved this. I know I've already messed up bad with you, but…" She gripped his limp hand tightly in both of hers. "I want to help you. I want to fix this, I have to."

Her eyes were shining with tears, but fierce determination mingled with a desperate plea there. Her thumb stroked over his knuckles once as she watched him look down at their joined hands.

Steven was shocked beyond words, shaking his head slowly in denial. His stomach was twisting as he came to a sickening realization. She loves me. In her own, twisted way, she thought she loved him. How and when she had come to that conclusion, he couldn't guess, but the way she was staring into his eyes struck him. She had looked at him with this exact expression when he had first said her name. She had pulled him close, resting their foreheads together like she had done with Pink countless times, and he had pushed her away.

He had pushed her away, but it was obvious she had never really let go. Her words echoed through his mind again, from another time she had looked at him with stars in her eyes.

"There's something different about you, but you're still Pink. I can see it in your eyes, your hair, your lips. I couldn't see it at first, but the longer I stayed with you…"

Shit.

"Spinel, please…" He had no idea what exactly he was pleading for as he pulled his hand away, flustered. Her vise-grip didn't give, so he leveled her with what he hoped was a cold glare. "It doesn't matter if you want to fix this, you can't. No one can. I can't stop this from happening. I'm going to disappear, and Pink will be back." How many times would he have to repeat himself before she got the point?

She popped up onto her knees and grasped his fingers tighter as she spoke, her breath breezing over his knuckles. "I don't think you're going to disappear at all!"

At his incredulous stare, she cleared her throat and continued, "I mean that I don't think you're going to lose yourself, necessarily. You see, a gem's memories are kept in their gem, not in their heads. So, if you do remember your old life, you'll still be just Steven in your human mind, and I assume that's the one you think with. Do ya know what I mean?"

He did know what she meant, but for the hundredth time that day, he was speechless. A thousand questions stormed through his mind, but Spinel's theory seemed kind of reasonable.

Despite her playful purpose in life, Spinel seemed to have a quick mind, and she understood things in a way Steven couldn't fathom.

"How do you know that? How do you know I'll even wake up tomorrow, that I won't just…disappear, or lose my mind?"

She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze and frowned. "I really…don't. But! " An idea flashed over her face, lighting her eyes in a blaze. "You said you're starting to remember things, right? Now, how many times in today's conversation have you thought about that new memory?"

Steven frowned as well, retracing his thoughts. "I guess once, when I first woke up. I saw you through the warp pad, and it reminded me of…you know."

She looked a bit embarrassed that he had mentioned her in his new memory, but she continued on anyway, her words coming out in a rush. "See! You can probably look back on that memory now, but it really has no effect on you as a person. Nothing to worry about." Her smile finally reached her eyes, as if she had just convinced herself.

It made perfect sense, and Steven felt a bit embarrassed at his fear. So, he probably wasn't going to die; he still had many more fears and objections to work through, though.

"I kind of don't want to remember her life." He glanced up to see her staring into his eyes again, clearly waiting for an explanation. "I mean, I get that I won't become her, but stories can change a person, and that's…a long story. I'm just sort of scared that I'll understand her too much, and justify all the horrible stuff she did. It's way easier to just hate her, and leave everything in the past." His voice hitched up at the end, twisting his sentence into a question.

Spinel nodded, pinning him with her eyes. She understood.

"I'll just have to find a way to hold onto myself. This is going to happen, whether I want it to or not." He sighed, looking solemnly up to the ceiling. "I guess it's actually better that I'm away from my family for this. I have no idea how I'll be when it's done."

Spinel's hand squeezed his again before, thankfully, pulling away. His hand felt strangely cool where she had left.

"I'll be here for you. Whatever happens, however this affects you, I'll make sure you don't go through it alone." Again, there was that gleam in her eyes and that passionate tone of her voice.

"Why? Why would you help me? I still don't understand."

To his shock, Spinel laughed. "Steven, have you ever seen a gem that looks like this?" She waved a hand at her own grimy face, and gestured to her menacing clothing. "I didn't always look this way, you know."

Of course, he did know. He could never say that to her, though, so he decided to press her further. "What happened? Was it Pink?"

Again, Spinel gave an empty-sounding laugh. "Let's just say, she changed me, and not for the better. I used to be happy, and whole, but… she destroyed that. There's nothing to do for me, now. But, I can still save you from her.I can't, I won't let her destroy you, too. Nobody deserves this…least of all you."

Steven was speechless again, but he nodded. He fought down the warm feeling that crept into his chest at her words; her real, genuine concern for him. Nobody had ever felt the need to protect him from his mom before, and the sentiment stirred something deep in his stomach. She saw herself reflected in him, and she wanted to protect him. How she planned to do that, though, he had no clue.

"Well…thank you. For caring." His voice came out higher than he intended, and he flushed in embarrassment. This is so weird.

Spinel smiled at him, and in that moment, their entire dynamic seemed to shift, twisting into something that felt almost like friendship. Not a friendship formed from trust and companionship, but one formed from shared pain, and a common goal. They had Pink in common, and for now, that was enough.

"Anytime."

They fell into silence for a moment, both lost in their heads.

A shooting pain in his back alerted Steven to the uncomfortable position he was sitting in and he shifted, fighting the roots at his feet for an ounce of relief. The stone floor beneath him was hard and unforgiving, and more often than not he found his legs would fall asleep if he sat up for too long. Laying down was just as bad, and his back had started to ache constantly from the positions he slept in. He sighed loudly, massaging a knot in his shoulder.

"Well, I guess now we just have to wait for the memories to come. Not that I can really do anything else." He threw a dark glare at the roots, willing them to snap on their own.

Spinel followed his gaze, and her eyes went wide. Her whole body seemed to shrink a little as she stared at the constraints chaining him to the floor. Was it guilt, lighting her eyes up in horror, or something else? Steven couldn't tell.

He was forcefully reminded, as the seconds stretched on in silence, of Spinel's reaction whenever he accidentally reminded her of Pink. Just about every time, she would go silent, staring at him with that same terrified expression. Was it something he said, then? Or, was it something to do with the roots? Either way, she was making him uncomfortable.

"Hey, are you okay?" He waved a hand in front of her face, snapping her from her reverie.

Her eyes jerked to his, shining with tears. She cleared her throat, rubbing her face with her gloves. "Yeah, I'm fine. Um…" She stood, wringing her hands. "You're gonna stay, right? So I can help you?"

He nodded silently, as if he even had a choice. Of course he was going to stay. His mind reeled at the thought of going through…this, around someone like Pearl. He didn't want to even think about how Pearl would react to all of this. The gems would eventually have to find out, but he would much rather it be over and done with by then.

"Okay. Okay, okay, okay…" Spinel was pacing the room, clenching and unclenching her fists in front of her.

Steven's shoulders tensed as he listened to her hype herself up. What exactly was she planning to do? He had just a few seconds to wonder before she reached into her pocket, and he involuntarily gasped in terror.

She held the rejuvenator, still innocently tucked away in its pen-like case. She flinched, pain washing over her features as she watched him pull away from her. She moved the weapon behind her back, pushing her empty palm forward.

"It's not what you think! I'm not going to use it on you, please, it's okay!"

He stopped his struggle, but still eyed her warily. What could she possibly need that thing for, if not to hurt him?

She pointed at his feet, then at the pen, pleading with her eyes.

Adrenaline exploded in his veins, blurring his vision. Was she really about to cut him free? It seemed so, but he almost couldn't believe it. Sure, their relationship had progressed leaps and bounds just in the past few days, but the fact that Spinel trusted him to stay with her was shocking.

She pressed a button, and Steven's vision was filled with the vibrant, toxic pink of his nightmares. Instantly, his mind erupted in a splitting headache, but he refused to close his eyes. The electric heat filled the room, twisting his stomach in fear. That weapon had destroyed his family, had destroyed him, and now it was going to set him free.

Spinel said nothing as she slowly moved the scythe, point-down, to the floor. The razor-sharp tip scraped a line of dust from the stone as she pulled it forward, almost touching his foot.

Steven watched as lightning crackled off of the blade, nearly burning his flip-flop. He wanted so badly to pull away from that vile heat, but he couldn't. He just hoped Spinel was quick with the cut so he could breathe again.

She wasn't making any move at all, and he looked up to see her staring at his feet again, chewing her lip. Something was bothering her, and he could probably guess well enough what it was.

Her glowing eyes flashed up to his, full of conflicting emotion. She swallowed thickly, then spoke.

"Please…stay with me." It wasn't a command, but a plea. The look in her eyes was so open, so completely vulnerable. Please. She was practically begging.

Something in her eyes broke him.

Knowing Spinel, she would have absolutely no problem keeping him here by force, but something in her wanted him to stay, and stay by choice. In reality, what choice did he have?

His mom did this, he did this, and now he finally had a chance to fix it. He would stay. For now.

At his nod, Spinel made quick work of the roots, and in a flash they were a smoking pile of twigs on the floor, completely harmless. As if she could sense his trepidation, the second she was finished the weapon was gone, tucked back in her pocket.

Tears of relief sprang to his eyes as he finally moved his legs, stretching them painfully. He was too weak, he knew, but he couldn't help himself as he got on his hands and knees, ready to stand up. It took more than he anticipated, however, and the room spun the second he got to his feet.

…

Steven stood tall and proud, for a short moment, before his legs wobbled and folded under him, and he fell forward.

He toppled right into Spinel's arms, where she stood waiting for him. She had known he'd try to get up right away, and she had anticipated his fall. He stumbled, trying to catch himself, but all that he accomplished was smashing his forehead into her nose, and they both crashed.

The air was knocked from Spinel's chest as he fell heavily on top of her, groaning in pain. He lifted his head, and his face immediately lit up in a furious blush at the sight of her face just inches away.

The heat radiating from his scarlet cheeks was nearly tangible, and she couldn't help laughing. The sound felt forced and awkward, mounting the tension of their predicament.

"Um…here, I'll-" She stuttered as she stood and lifted him by his waist, holding him steady on his feet. Together, they shuffled over to the wall, where he sank to the floor gratefully.

He audibly sighed as her arm left his side, and he melted into the wall. Obviously, a few weeks with nothing but a hard floor underneath him hadn't done his back any favors.

She chewed her lip, feeling guilty. Any pain he was in, any discomfort he was feeling, was entirely her fault. Again, she was consumed with the overwhelming need to fix this horrible situation, but she didn't know how. He definitely wouldn't be accepting a massage right now, that was for sure. So, she settled at his side, falling into a comfortable silence; one he probably needed after such a long and emotional conversation.

"Thank you."

His voice startled her from her thoughts, and she nearly jumped. He wasn't looking at her; his eyes were fixed on the pile of broken roots in the very center of the room.

How twisted.

Her own creativity disgusted her, and again she wished nothing more than to just undo everything. She didn't deserve his thanks for anything.

He could thank her when he was back home, with his sanity miraculously intact. The possibility that she could fail filled her with dread; she really had no clue how to help Steven cope with what was going to happen. She closed her eyes, swallowing her fear. She had no right to be afraid when she had to be there for Steven. This was her last chance to redeem herself. She had to try, for him.

They fell into silence again, and she began processing the conversation they just had. She had to admit she was…embarrassed, by what Steven would witness when he got his memories back; countless hours spent in this very room, discovering each other's bodies, however different his had been. Heat crept up her neck, and suddenly the room seemed too small.

She glanced over at Steven, who seemed to be intently studying something on the bottom of his shoe. Did she imagine it, or did his expression look a little…awkward?

The realization hit her like a bucket of ice water; Steven had already started remembering things, he had said so. He had even specifically mentioned remembering her.

Oh, stars.

"Uh…Steven, can I ask you a question?"

He looked up for a second, and a ghost of a frown pulled at his lips. He looked back down before he replied, "Ask away."

Spinel didn't miss the sadness in his voice, but she couldn't dissipate the mortification she felt enough to comfort him.

"So, um… you mentioned that seeing me reminded you of something you saw in Pink's memories, and I was just wondering, what exactly did you remember?"

…

Steven watched the blush creep up Spinel's face as she asked, and he could venture a guess as to what she actually wanted to know.

Through his mind flashed dozens of memories, hers and Pink's, that might be more than a little embarrassing. So many times he had dreamt of them running off into darkened corners of the palace to steal secret kisses and caresses, or taking full advantage of the privacy of their garden, or the time they spent together in this room.

The scenes flashed before his eyes, and he felt his cheeks start to warm, as well. It was so weird, having to watch Spinel being intimate with his mom…

Wait.

Suddenly, Steven was the one turning beet-red. I am my mom.

The entire time, he had been watching Spinel fall in love with him.

…

Oh, my stars! Spinel's mind was a mess of horrified panic as she watched Steven's face light up, his skin reddening all the way up to his forehead.

He didn't say a word in response to her question and, in fact, he looked just as mortified as she felt.

What could she do? She felt like apologizing, but that didn't seem like the correct response in this situation. What in the world was the proper response?!

'I'm sorry you're forcefully remembering getting down and dirty with me in your past life, hope that doesn't affect your perception on relationships at all!'

That line would've made her laugh any other time, but at the moment, she felt closer to crying. Everything felt ruined, and there wasn't anything she could do.

"Steven- I'm sorry you have to…see…that. Pink and I had-well, um, things between us were-"

"What on earth are you talking about?" His voice cut hers off abruptly, ending her pathetic stammering. "I didn't remember any of that, if that's what you're wondering, but…yeah, that's gonna be weird. I kind of already figured that one out." His blush deepened, and he picked more intently at the bottom of his shoe.

"I'm sorry," Her voice came out as a high-pitched squeak. "So, what did you remember, then?"

His flush cleared as he spoke, though he still looked anywhere but at her, "I remembered coming back to the garden, and you were there waiting for me." Her heart froze, and ice filled her veins. "You had been there for weeks because I had been too afraid to go see you. This was after the Pearl and Ruby were tried and executed for fusing."

She relaxed a bit, but only so. If his memories were coming back in the order that they happened, then…what happened next wouldn't be easy on him. She almost felt the need to warn him, but what good would it do? Instead, she just gave a low hum, and silence draped over them again.

A flick of movement caught her eye, and she looked over to see Steven's head drooping, his eyes closed and relaxed, before he jerked his head back upright. They had only been talking for a few hours at most, and he had just woken up before that.

"Do humans usually need so much sleep, or are you an exception?"

Steven shrugged, hiding a yawn behind his hand.

"I don't think my body knows when to be tired, since I have no clue what time it is."

Missing circadian rhythm or no, those black bags under Steven's eyes were concerning. Surely, with the amount of sleep he got, he should be more than rested. Apparently that wasn't the case, she thought, as his head drooped again, and he finally gave up the fight.

Even in sleep, he looked exhausted.

Spinel got up quietly, lost in her head. Again, she was worried that she was missing some human thing that could help him out, and she was clueless.

Her lips pressed the breeze of a kiss into Steven's hair before she pulled back, tip-toeing over to her usual corner. It felt somehow colder, now.

…

"That's all of it, haul out!" Peridot shouted over the rumbling engine of the dump truck.

It had taken them several hours to cut the smashed satellite apart and sling it all into the trash, but the courtyard was finally cleared, and Connie gratefully plopped down onto the sidewalk massaging her bruised knuckles.

Ruby and Sapphire stood just ahead of her, idly chatting. They had just been relieved of traffic-directing duty, and their hands brushed as they walked back to their office. It basically was their office at this point, seeing as the poor Nephrite hadn't been able to set foot in there in several weeks.

The truck pulled away from Little Homeworld, carrying the deafening racket down the street. Not a second too soon, either; the noise combined with the smell of burning diesel had given her a splitting headache.

She sighed, holding her face in her hands as she was forcibly reminded how much time she was wasting, cleaning up little messes on Earth while Steven was probably being tortured.

Suddenly, laughter erupted in the alley just behind her, startling her out of her skin.

"No way I did that! You must be thinking of some rogue, I could never." Pearl sounded almost normal as she giggled, and Connie's head whipped around at the sound.

Pearl stood in the center of the alley staring up at Bismuth, who was shaking with laughter.

"You did! You jumped straight outta the cockpit into that Moonstone's face, she didn't see it coming! I'd never seen a Pearl as lethal as you before, all I could do was stare as you finished the job singlehandedly." Bismuth swung a gentle punch into Pearl's bicep, struggling to speak through her chuckles, "You really made the rest of us look like chumps that day, and from then on I couldn't help but try to impress you every chance I got." She sighed, lost in her reminiscing.

Pearl blushed a pale blue as she toed the dust under her slippers. Her voice came out so quietly that Connie had to lean in to catch her words, and she was so glad that she did.

"...Did it ever work? Did you ever impress me?"

Bismuth went quiet for a moment, mulling it over. She looked down at Pearl, who was still staring intently at the ground.

"Do I impress you now?"

Connie held her breath.

Pearl's cheeks darkened further as she looked up again, locking eyes with Bismuth.

"I think so, yes." She smiled.

Bismuth gave a great bark of laughter, clapping Pearl on the shoulder again. "That's all that matters, then."

With that, they left the alley, and Connie scrambled to hide the fact that she was eavesdropping. She turned her attention onto Peridot and Lapis as they also walked toward her, engaged in their own conversation.

As the groups crossed each other Pearl lost all of her casual posture, straightening out and giving a deep, flourishing bow to Lapis.

"Can I be of any service to you, my Lapis Lazuli?"

Lapis smiled, nodding in return. "No, thank you, Pearl. Go ahead and spend some more time with Bismuth."

Pearl bowed again, her face stretched in a genuine smile of appreciation. She and Bismuth walked off together, side by side, as Bismuth continued reminiscing about the war.

"I think my plan is working!" Connie squeaked in excitement as soon as the pair were out of earshot. "I just overheard them a second ago, flirting."

Lapis and Peridot shared a hopeful look; finally, something was going right.

…

…

Author's note: Sorry for going on so long with that conversation between Steven and Spinel, I just really enjoyed fleshing out that issue :) Also, how do you feel about the POV switches between them? I hope it's not too distracting; I try to only do it when necessary.

Thank you for reading, see ya next chapter ;D