When Charlie Gordon first started keeping his reports, post surgery, it was easy to see his mental progress. His vocabulary became more advanced with each entry, his spelling was corrected easily as well as his punctuation, it all came more advanced along with his mind. He kept this record for personal and experimental reasons. The Progress Reports were much like journals that normal, everyday people may keep.
Like normal, everyday people however, he did not write down every detail of every day. Some things he kept to himself. Perhaps he was too busy with other things, or maybe the man just didn't feel the need to write these things down. These are the Progress Reports that Charlie Gordon never wrote down. They are merely bits of thought that were never transferred onto paper…
Thought Report 1, May 21st.
The more I think about the dishwasher boy from yesterday the more it bothers me. The treatment of him by the others, the look on his face… he didn't understand at all. Of course, the more I think about it, I also think about myself and my past with a similar mentality. I cannot remember every detail of everything the boys at the factory had ever done to me, but it hurts me greatly now that I know the men who I considered to be my best friends were nothing but fools. They made themselves feel better by degrading me; Someone who was not as intelligent, who thought all laughter was good laughter and could not comprehend the difference between laughing at someone from laughing with someone.
There was a lot more to that petition to get me fired that I originally thought. They didn't only want me fired because I was smarter but because they now felt inferior and they did not like it. Also, they no longer could push their days along with laughing at me. Instead, I'm sure, they felt I was laughing at them, though I never was. I would never sink to their level. That, that, is below my no matter what my intelligence is.
Again I find everything leading to the very same thing. The same words the same reasons. Everything that has happened to me recently is because of my tripled intelligence. It is really a win lose situation I suppose. I'm losing old friends, making new ones… I guess that if I wanted everything I would end up with nothing. It is childish to do so. I'll take what I have and do with it what I can. Simple as that.
Thought Report 2, June 6th
Once more I find myself over thinking things. The Algernon-Gordon effect is getting to me a lot more than I should be letting it. The longer I dwell on it the less time I have to get everything in order. I have to see if I can find a way to stop the deterioration process, I have to write up… so many papers. The pending burnout has me all out of control. My hands shake, with every passing moment my emotions rage stronger and stronger, but I know I must be in control of everything; mentally and emotionally, until everything is order.
Dr. Strauss keeps telling me to calm down and that because Algernon burned out that does not mean that I will too. He's given me all of these cowardly excuses to be calm and relax, that nothing is going to happen. My research shows that the collapse of my mentality is at hand. I've already noticed signs of it. How can he… the other doctors… how can they not see it?
Maybe I was wrong to trust these people with my mind…. No. I cannot do that. Not now. I can't start doubting anyone or anything if I want to get thought this with my life. What I need is confidence. Confidence is the key to my success… if there is any success to be had.
Thought Report 3, June 11th
Here I am, sitting at Algernon's grave, three days after he's died. Once again I find myself thinking of what is to come. Will I die like he did? If so, when? How? Will it be painful? Will my mind just explode?
I wish I could have spoken to Algernon. Maybe then I would have known what was happening sooner and could have… Could have what? Found a better way to perform the surgery on myself? Not possibly. But there had… has to be something I can do.
I'm crying again… but this time, not for Algernon… this time I cry for myself. I don't want to die. I know it is rather cliché but I'm too young to die.
Thought Report 4, June 20th
Things are getting worse and worse by the day. The other night I was brought home by the police and now, today, I can't remember where I put my lucky rabbit's foot. I need it now. The luck will do me good. I need that luck to get though this. When I can remember something, anything, I write it down, hoping to keep it there if I write it and read it over and over again. Things are not looking so good for me now.
I've been lying here, staring up at my ceiling for hours, doing nothing more than trying to remember things. Languages, word meanings, directions. I'm struggling to hold onto anything. Even when I'm doing nothing at all and putting forth all my energy to remember, I can't. Hopeless comes to mind and I remember it quite well because that's what my situation is.
Hopeless- adj: Having no hope; despairing. Offering no hope; bleak. Incurable. Having no possibility of solution; impossible.
Thought Report 5, June 25th
I caught a glimpse of a child's toon today and once again I've got my mind working over it. One of the characters was hit over the head and forgot everything… but then when hit again on the head it remembered everything just fine… anyone have a cast-iron skillet I can borrow?
It would be nice if things worked like that wouldn't it?
I've got a nasty bruise on my shin. Don't really remember where it happens, when and how. I think I kicked something out of frustration but nothing around me is broken. Then again to make a bruise like this one maybe I didn't break it at all.
Thought Report 6, June 30th
When Dr. Strauss came around today I remembered something. I don't know why I remembered it or when I heard it but it was a conversation between Dr. Strauss and another woman whose name escapes me. She cautioned him that he was moving too fast. That if he kept moving at this pace, failure would be not only possible but guaranteed. She told him that development needed to be slow so that there was time for adjustment. I can't be sure who or what they were talking about because I didn't hear any names… at least I don't remember hearing any.
I have the strangest feeling though, that they were talking about me.
Thought Report 7, July 16th
Mrs Flynn reminds me a lot of my mother. She really cares about me and has taken care of me over the past week or two. I can tell that she is worried. I will be fine tho. I know it. Things will fix themselves before I know it… Everything will be just fine.
Thought Report 8, July 26th.
I keep reading over my old reports hoping it will all come back to me. I want to be a genius again. None of the words are making any sense to me. Of the words I could pick up I kind of remembered. Words like burnout, emotional and death. They were all over and they scared me. Everything is going so wrong.
All I do now is try to remember. My TV is broken. Mrs. Flynn keeps telling me I need to get a job. She's right too. Mrs. Kinnian stopped by yesterday and paid my rent for me. I don't want her to have to do that for me. There are a lot of things I don't want now. I don't want to see nobody, I don't want to be stupid again, I don't want to forget how to read and write. And I don't want people to laugh at me no more.
Yeah. They're laughing at me again. First the doctor Mrs. Flynn brought over because she thought I was gonna die, then I thought Mrs. Kinnian was gonna laugh at me yesterday but all she did was cry when I told her I didn't want to see her. I didn't want to her cry… and I cried too. I'm afraid to go back to Mr. Donnegan and ask fro my old job back.
It's so confusing. I want almost everything but at the same time I don't think that I want anything at all. I'm so scared. I wonder if Algernon was this scared too. Maybe that's why he bit me and wasn't cooperating.
Thought Report 9, July 28th.
I've decided to leave. I'm going to stick with that decision too. The boys at the factory feel sorry for me and I'm going to miss them a lot but I don't want to see them look at me like they do. I don't want it I don't want it! Mrs. Kinnian too feels sorry for me. I went to her class today because I totally forgot I wasn't in it no more. She got so upset. No more. I don't want to disappoint anyone anymore. Not the Doctors, not Mrs. Kinnian or the boys at work either.
I have to thank Mrs. Flynn for everything she's done for me too. Can't forget that. Maybe if I write it down on my chalkboard she'll see it. Yeah that's what I'll do.
I'm also gonna stop and say good-bye to Algernon. He and I were in this together. But I'll write that on the board too. No, I'll add it to my last Report. That way everyone will know to stop and put flowers on his grave.
I'm gonna start over. Fresh plate. I think that's what the phrase is. Can't remember. Oh well.
Thought Report 10, August 2nd.
I never got a chance to say good-bye to Mrs. Flynn but I left her a note on my chalkboard along with all of my progress reports. It was a nice day out. Sunny and warm. Now the sun is setting and it's nice too. All the reds and blues and purples. There are a lot of other people out walking around. They're all really nice. Waving to me when I wave and stuff. This place is really nice. I have some money left from the last check I got from the factory. After I get something for dinner I'm going to try and find a hotel to check into for the night. I'll find a job first, then an apartment maybe. Or maybe just whichever I find first. Yeah. That's what I'll do.
The hotel I'm in was hiring bellhops. After applying for the job I checked into this room. It has a really clean smell to it and everything is really white. Bright and white. It's making my head hurt but I'll get over it. Right now I'm just really tired and want to go to bed. I've had a long day but no one knows me here. No one will mock me with 'You really pulled a Charlie Gordon that time' and no one will laugh. I'll make new friends and start a new life.
These pillows are really soft, so are the sheets. I can see the moon. It's big and white and pretty. I wonder where the man is in it… maybe it's like those stupid inkblots. I never could find the pictured in those either…
Charlie never woke up the next morning.