1Sorry this is late everybody, but the site wouldn't let me upload for a while and then it wouldn't even let me login. I hope the length of this chapter makes up for the lateness.
Also, if any of you have been rereading old chapters (although I don't know why you would) it finally got through to me that the partitions I was placing between the sections/scenes of each chapter haven't been working. So I went through every chapter, fixed them, and reposted everything. If any of the transitions didn't used to make sense, go back and look through the new version and it might help. Thanks for the reviews!
Chapter 18: Brown Eyes
Life fell into a more normal pattern, now that Jule was gone. No one wanted to admit it, but there was a certain relief now that Jule was gone and had taken her drama with her. They missed their friend, of course, and wondered with some concern exactly where she had gone, but they all breathed a lot easier now that she was out of their lives.
Hermione probably missed her the most of anyone, but she had grown used to missing Jule ever since Jule had started avoiding her long ago.
April passed fairly uneventfully. All the seventh years could feel the year winding down with much more weight than the other students; soon they would leave forever. Different students had different emotions when it came to leaving: some, like Ron, couldn't wait to escape classes forever while others, like Harry, were sad to leave what they considered home. Hermione was nervous but looked forward to the future, whatever it might hold. Draco, although he never mentioned it, didn't care much about what was coming; he didn't have anything interesting in his future, so he didn't bother to think about it.
Hermione and Draco grew steadily closer, but Hermione could always feel Draco keeping her at arms' length emotionally. One of the signs that he wouldn't let her in was that he would never quite meet her eyes. He talked and joked with her easily enough, and he slept with her with absolutely no qualms, but he would never look directly into her eyes. Hermione didn't let it bother her: the idea of being too close to Draco again frightened her.
Hermione was very busy working towards her own future. Because there was still tension between her and McGonagle over Jule's suicide attempt she turned to Dumbledore for counseling. He was able to offer her many job opportunities including an internship at the Ministry of Magic for the Committee on Experimental Charms. Hermione, who hoped to have a career in the Ministry someday, seriously considered the internship.
Harry and Ron had already laid their plans long ago; they wanted to be Aurors. Or, rather, Harry wanted to be an Auror and Ron had decided to tag along.
Draco had no plans that Hermione knew of.
Because she was serious about the internship Hermione threw herself into Charms. One of the requirements for the internship was that she had to invent at least two rudimentary charms of her own, so Hermione spent a whole lot of time studying so that she could invent very good charms. The first one she invented reminded her of Jule: it was a charm that would enhance one's appearance so that no matter how old or tired the caster might be they would look young, well-rested, and fresh. She named her charm sveglisi and set to work creating another one.
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Draco was also working hard, though not on his schoolwork. He was catching himself slipping in his ability to keep Hermione away. The irritating Gryffindor girl was worming her way into his heart and Draco was finding himself incapable of stopping her. Draco tormented himself by feeling guilty for his feelings; he still loved May, so how could he be falling for Hermione too?
Sleeping with Hermione was one thing, but Draco wasn't ready to love anyone again. Unfortunately for Draco, he had very little control over his own, wayward heart.
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Hermione was busy working in the Library, studying hard to create her next charm. She had already decided, to offset the shallowness of the other charm, that she would create a healing charm. This also reminded her of Jule. Most witches and wizards knew rudimentary healing spells, but those either only corrected injuries on a superficial level (like Draco's nose) or could heal the wound, but only well enough to stop bleeding (like Jule's wrists.) An injury healed like Jule's had been might hurt from time to time and would always wear unattractive scars.
The problem was that better healing spells were more complicated and thus the common witch or wizard never bothered to learn them. Madame Pomfrey could heal any kind of cut or break within five minutes and would rarely leave a scar, but few had that same skill.
So Hermione was studying previous healing charms in the hopes of improving and combining them into one, strong charm.
Hermione suddenly became aware of a body behind her. Someone was leaning over her shoulder to inspect the book she was presently reading. Turning her head a little Hermione saw that it was Draco who surveyed her work.
"What are you doing?" Hermione asked. She knew that they must look peculiar: they never moved close to one another in public.
"I'm bored," Draco shrugged. "I was hoping that you could distract me." He glanced at her with one raised eyebrow, and Hermione knew what he meant.
Sighing in irritation Hermione whispered: "It's the middle of the afternoon!" But nonetheless, she stood up and gathered her things together. Smiling slightly, Hermione followed Draco back to the common room. /Hormones/ she thought, though her own or Draco's Hermione couldn't tell.
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When they reached the common room Draco gently pulled Hermione's bag from her hands and dropped it onto the floor before pulling her forward into a kiss. Being this close to her, feeling her body pressed against his own drove Draco crazy. Deepening the kiss, Draco moved his hands across Hermione's cheeks to bury them in her hair. When the kiss ended and they pulled apart slightly, Draco could feel Hermione's intense gaze on his face, could feel her trying to meet his eyes, but he looked down at her mouth instead. Draco couldn't let himself allow Hermione to get that close.
Hermione bit her lip and Draco could feel himself smiling. Her lips were red and shiny and a little bit puffy from their kissing. Kissing her lightly again, Draco moved backwards towards his room and drew Hermione with him. Draco was pulling Hermione's shirt off over her head as his door swung closed behind them.
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Hermione leaned against Draco's bare chest, tracing circles on it with her finger. Draco simply stared at his ceiling. He wasn't really thinking about anything in particular but he wore a deeply contemplative expression.
"What are you thinking about?" Hermione asked.
"Graduation," Draco heaved a sigh. "What're your plans? Something prestigious I'll bet."
"I'm applying for an internship with the Committee on Experimental Charms."
"Figures." Hermione only shrugged. This irked Draco for some reason. "Why don't you just nominate yourself for Minister of Magic and save time?"
"Excuse me?" Hermione pulled away to look at his face. Draco didn't meet her eyes, as always.
"Everyone knows that's where your headed: you were made to run the world."
"So what do you want to do?" Hermione didn't bother denying his words; they were pretty much true.
"It doesn't matter what I 'want' to do," Draco stated ironically. "What matters is what I'm doing."
"Which is?"
"Absolutely nothing. Malfoys haven't worked in almost two centuries. The only acceptable career for me would be something political, like running for Minister of Magic or some other high-ranking position, but with you around why should I bother? Besides which politics bore me."
Hermione regarded Draco in astonishment. "Why should you follow tradition? I thought you were dead set against becoming your father."
"Some traditions are more worth fighting than others," Draco shrugged. "Being an abusive, death-eater bastard is bad. Not working for a living could be worse."
"But if you were going to work," Hermione pressed. "What would you want to do?"
Draco thought for a moment. What did he want to do? He was smart, handsome, and likeable (when he wanted to be.) If he were actually to work he could do anything. The problem was he had always assumed that he would not work and, thus, had never thought of his dream-job.
"Just think about it," Hermione carefully stood up and started pulling on her clothing.
"Where are you going?"
"I need to invent a charm for my internship," Hermione shrugged her shirt on. "I might have finished it by now if you hadn't... distracted me." She gifted him with one of his trademark smirks.
"I just can't control these urges of mine," Draco smirked back, also standing and moving towards Hermione. "When I'm around you I just want to–" Draco grabbed Hermione, threw her onto his bed, and started tickling her mercilessly.
Laughing helplessly, Hermione struggled meekly against Draco's onslaught. "I–really–have–to–go!" She gasped between her giggles. Sighing in mock sadness, Draco let her go and sat on his bed.
"Fine! Just leave me," he pretended to sulk.
Smiling, Hermione leaned over to kiss Draco's cheek. "I'll see you later."
And with that she was gone.
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Hermione could hardly believe the ease she now felt around Draco. Always before, even when they had been in love, she had been nervous; nervous that he might discover her secret, nervous that others might learn, and nervous that he would betray her. But now that all the expectations were gone (and now that she didn't have to conceal her identity) she could relax and just enjoy spending time with Draco.
But this also worried her. She knew that she was still in love with Draco; she would probably always love him. After all, he had been her first love. What worried her was the possibility of him hurting her again. As she relaxed more and more around him, Hermione could sense Draco relaxing more and more around her. As long as they kept things casual she was safe. But once things grew serious there would always be the danger of betrayal.
Hermione pushed it from her mind, something she was doing more frequently of late: if something wasn't pleasant, she tried not to think about it. It was working too. She rarely thought of Jule, but when she did the thoughts were always of good times together. It was now early May and Hermione was reminiscing more and more.
Memories haunted her. What was Tom up to? Although she had led him on and then dated Draco the two had been good friends. Hermione was slightly ashamed of the way she had dropped the band like that. And no matter how hard she tried to think of more pleasant things, one thought kept popping into her mind. Was Draco over May?
It was foolish, she knew, but she couldn't help but feel slightly dirty when this thought came to mind. Thinking of May as a separate entity, as Draco must, Hermione would feel cheap if Draco were still in love with May. Not that she wanted to be in a more permanent relationship with Draco; she would never trust him entirely again. But she didn't want him to think of her as some thing to be used as he pined for May.
These were the only unpleasant thoughts that Hermione could never deny to herself; she had closure with Jule, but not with Tom or Draco. And so, on the first Friday in May, May the girl was reborn.
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Hermione left Hogwarts before changing into May. The danger of discovery by Draco was too great for her to do otherwise. She borrowed a broom from Madame Hooch and flew into Hogsmeade, carrying a change of clothes in her bag. She changed in the bathroom of the Three Broomsticks into a short black skirt that cut off mid-thigh, a black corset that buttoned up the front with tiny silver buttons and the combat boots Jule had given her so long ago. Rubbing her thumb over one of the tiny silver lionesses Jule had placed on them made Hermione smile.
Hermione cast the old appearance spells, remembering the charms with ease. Her hair grew longer and darker and hung in loose curls down her back. Her eyes were rimmed in black eyeliner and her lips were a brownish-red. Other than that she did nothing really drastic. Of course, the trick to the charms was that they didn't just make her hair and make-up different. Anyone could see through a spell like that. Hermione also cast a charm that altered her facial features slightly. It wasn't so much that she looked different, just that she looked like a different person. Most of her face was the same as it always had been, but at the same time she looked completely different. Hermione vaguely wondered whether the spell changed her at all; maybe it just made the looker think that she looked different, like the spells protecting Hogwarts from muggles.
Her first stop would be the club and Tom. She had no doubt that the band would be playing tonight. Tom had some strange agreement with the club; the band never played anywhere else and the club never hired any other band. Hermione had never quite seen the logic behind this: it was no way to advance the bands career if it was only the same people hearing them all the time.
When Hermione reached the club she was immediately admitted by the rather surprised bouncer. It had been general knowledge around the club that "May" had moved to Paris and she and the bouncer had known one another. Hermione couldn't help but be pleased that he had remembered her.
Entering the club only made Hermione realize how much she had missed it. The dark lighting, the pounding music, the dancers moving with the rhythm all hit her in a sharp wave of recognition. The band was not on stage at the moment, but Hermione could tell from the size of the crowd that they would be soon: the club got the most people when the band played. She moved towards the bar and asked for a drink, not specifying any particular drink. She took the glass handed her and downed it. Vodka burned her throat and she coughed, but she felt warm inside and her nervousness faded.
"May?" Hermione turned towards the bartender. It was Phil, Jule's special friend. "Where've you been?"
"Paris," Hermione responded with a French accent. "I came back to visit."
"Tom'll be pleased," Phil nodded in satisfaction. Then his expression grew earnest. "How's Leela?"
Hermione almost asked who Leela was before remembering the pseudonym Jule had given Phil. At first it had been the common sense not to give a stranger her real name. Jule had kept the name partly because it was hard to tell someone that the name you've given them was fake and partly because she didn't want Hermione to have all the fun of an alter-ego to herself.
"She's alright," Hermione shrugged. "Moved back to America a little while ago."
"That explains her accent," Phil smiled ruefully. "I never really bothered to ask her where she was from."
"I doubt she would've given you an honest answer anyway," Hermione smiled back.
At that moment someone cut the music and there were loud protestations, as always. Then there was cheering as the band took their places. Hermione took a deep breath and turned towards the stage. There they were. All the old lads that Hermione had spent so much time with. Jim, the drummer, was in the back. He had spoken rarely, but had smiled easily and when he did talk it was always kindly. Ahead and to the left was Alex, the guitarist, who was a terrible womanizer and had always half-jokingly hit on Hermione. Then, to the right, was Tom. Hermione had been the closest to Tom. He had respected her relationship with Draco, but had always hinted that if she were to change her mind he would be available. Hermione slowly made her way through the crowd. Where was their new singer?
As the music started Hermione realized that Tom was doing the singing now. He was good, better than she had been because he sang with his heart, his entire body clearly meaning the words he was singing. Hermione wondered why he had chosen to become the band's primary singer; he had always said that he preferred female leads because they were less common.
Hermione continued on through the crowd, not allowing herself to think about what she was doing. By the time she had reached the edge of the stage Tom had noticed her presence. His only reaction was to widen his eyes in shock. Tom was a true professional and would not let anything interfere with his performance. Hermione smiled weakly in response to his reaction and stayed at the edge of the stage, waiting for the band to finish its set. The set was forty-five minutes long, so Hermione had quite some time to wait, and Tom rarely looked away from her which made her slightly uncomfortable.
Eventually, when the set was over, Tom briefly informed the audience that the set was done, signaled for the recorded music to start, removed his guitar, and jumped right into the audience and next to Hermione.
"May!" He exclaimed as he pulled her into a rib-crushing hug. "What're you doing here? When did you get back?"
"I'm just visiting," Hermione squeezed him back. "It's my mum's birthday, so I came home for a few days." Tom nodded. The story made sense; Hermione had thought it through carefully. "So how's the band? You're singing now!"
"Yeah, couldn't find anymore decent girls," Tom smiled ruefully. "We had one for a while after you left, but Alex did what he always does and she quit after finding him with three girls."
"She didn't leave after the first one?" Hermione raised a brow.
"He was with all of them at once," Tom dead-panned. At Hermione's shocked look he started to laugh, making her laugh along. "I've missed you May," Tom slung an arm around her shoulders and started to guide her towards the dressing rooms. "What've you been up to?"
"This and that," Hermione replied evasively. "Nothing interesting."
Jim and Alex lounged in the dressing room, Jim drumming with his sticks on his knees and Jim getting close to a teenage girl who looked to be a year or so younger than Hermione. As Hermione inspected the girl's face she realized that it was someone she knew: a Ravenclaw fifth year named Nancy who had bright blue eyes and gorgeously blond hair that hung straight down her back. Jim was too absorb in his lust to notice his old band-mate's entrance, but Jim saw her immediately. He leapt up and graced Hermione with a warm hug, surprising her slightly. Although he was always nice Jim was rarely openly affectionate.
"May, you're back," he mumbled, pulling away shyly. Hermione smiled into his sweet, shy face.
"It's great to see you Jim," she kissed his cheek, making him blush. He definitely looked like a rocker, but he had the heart of a little boy.
"May's here?" Alex pulled away from Nancy, making her pout cutely. She stared at Hermione and frowned slightly, as though she were trying to recognize her. Hermione smiled nervously and was glad for the distraction when Alex also gave her a hug.
"Just here to see my parents, thought I'd drop by," Hermione grinned. She made her voice slightly raspy, hoping that Nancy wouldn't recognize it.
"Come on, we both know that you're really here to confess your undying love for me," Alex grinned jokingly.
"Am I that obvious?" Hermione sighed in mock disappointment. "Well, now that the truth is out..." she turned as if to leave.
Laughing, Alex spun her around and hugged her again. "Silly girl," he laughed.
At that point Nancy cleared her throat meaningfully and gave Alex a look that clearly said "Pay attention to me or I'll find someone who can." Understanding immediately, Alex gave Hermione one last squeeze before saying, "Write some time," and returning to the couch.
Jim nodded and sat down, peeking through his hair and drumming again. Tom took Hermione's hand in his own and led her into another room, the one which had previously been Hermione's dressing room. They sat on the couch together in silence for a moment.
"I've really missed you," Tom started. "Why'd you leave?"
"It's... complicated," Hermione chose her words carefully. "I just needed to be in Paris for a while, get out of here."
"But why?"
"I can't really talk about it," Hermione looked down at her hands.
"Was it something with the band?" Hermione shook her head. "Was it your family?" Another negative. "Was it Draco?" Tom drifted off as Hermione failed to indicate no. "What did that bastard do to you?"
"He... kind of cheated on me."
"Kind of?"
"It's complicated!" Hermione burst out, feeling tears in her eyes. She hadn't been forced to talk about Draco for a long time. "Can't we talk about something else?"
"You know," Tom said slowly. "I would never cheat on you, not even 'kind of'."
"Tom–"
"Just listen," Tom continued. "I really care about you. You know that I do."
"I know, but–"
"And I would be good to you. I would always take care of you."
"Wait, I–"
Tom leaned in and kissed Hermione. The kiss was good; Hermione had known it would be. Tom was a good kisser. But it was empty; there was no spark, no clench in Hermione's heart or stomach to let her know that Tom was special. It wasn't like kissing Draco.
"Tom!" Hermione pushed her friend off. "Don't! I'm sorry, but I don't feel that way about you and I can't make myself!"
"Are you seeing someone?"
"Not exactly," Hermione frowned in consternation. She had been afraid that this would happen.
Tom's eyes widened in sudden realization. "You still care about Malfoy, don't you? Even after what he did to you?"
Hermione shrugged. "I can't help the way I feel," she muttered. "And I love you, but as a friend and I love Draco as... more than a friend. But this isn't even about him. I can't be with you because I don't care about you like that."
Tom looked down sadly.
"Maybe I should go," Hermione mumbled. She lightly kissed his cheek and headed out towards the others. Briefly hugging Jim and Alex she left with tears in her eyes. It had hurt to see the boys again, but it had also helped. At least now she would never have to wonder what would have happened again. Now she only had one more person to talk to before May was once again laid to rest.
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Draco lay on his bed, reading a book but thinking of Hermione. He could no longer deny it to himself: he was in love with Hermione Granger. But now what should he do? How did she feel about him? For the most part she treated him like a friend, but at night, when she thought he was sleeping, he could feel her eyes on him, like she was studying his face. But he still loved May.
He stared at the picture of her on his desk, the photo he had taken the first night they had made love. He hadn't had the courage to throw the picture away. May was laughing and spinning around, long black hair flying behind her. She waved to him and smiled broadly. Draco caught himself smiling back. A tap on the window drew Draco's attention. It was too dark out for Draco to see what it was, but thinking it was his owl Draco walked over and pulled the window open only to leap back in surprise as May flew in.
"May!" He exclaimed.
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Hermione landed gracefully in the middle of Draco's room and climbed off her broom. "Hello Draco," she said quietly. "What's new?"
"What-what's new? You're gone for five months and that's what you say?" Draco demanded. "What're you doing here?"
"I needed to see you," Hermione stated calmly. Somehow, seeing him as May wasn't as scary as she had thought that it would be. "I needed to see how you were doing."
"I'm fine, I guess," Draco was at a loss for words. "And you?"
"Fine."
"How's Paris?" Draco continued awkwardly.
"Lovely."
There was silence for a long moment. Draco stared at Hermione openly, absorbing her with his eyes. Finally the silence upset him. "Why are you here? What do you want with me?"
Hermione decided to be direct. "I need to know how you feel about me. If you still love me or not."
"Why?"
"So that I can move on."
"Well, that's pretty fucking selfish," Draco glared at her. "You can't just show up here, surprise me like this and then ask me something like that."
"I'm not sorry," Hermione retorted. "I need some goddam closure and all you can think about is you. You're the one that ruined everything."
"You didn't have to leave though! We could have made it work!"
"I don't want to 'make' anything work! I just want it to work!" Hermione yelled. "Now do you still love me or not?"
"Yes," Draco spit out. "But..."
"Go on," Hermione tapped a foot impatiently, masking her true feelings behind anger.
"I'm in love with someone else too."
Hermione raised an eyebrow. This was unexpected. "Who?" She demanded.
Draco thought his words through. "Well, since we're being to open and honest, I guess I'll tell you. Hermione Granger, the girl I cheated on you with."
Hermione had DEFINITELY not expected that. "Now what?"
"Well you and I are over, right?" Draco asked. Hermione nodded. "So, I guess I'm gonna tell her how I feel."
Hermione remained shocked and silent. "Are we done?" Draco demanded. She nodded again. "Then leave. And take this with you," Draco shoved the picture of May into Hermione's hands. She grabbed her broom and left, flying around the castle before sneaking back into her own room.
/Well/ she thought to herself. /That was surprising./
It seemed that in seeking closure for herself she had finally given it to Draco.
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Draco felt lighter, as if he had unconsciously been carrying his feelings for May on his back and had finally been freed of his burden. It wasn't just that May didn't want him back; it didn't take much thought to realize that it should have been Hermione all along. They were meant to be together. They were so different, but had so much in common. They were both smart, strove for excellence (she more so than he) and had trouble opening up to people.
He had to tell her. Draco had to let Hermione know that she was the one, that whatever his plans after graduation, he wanted her to be in them. First thing in the morning Draco knocked on Hermione's door and waited impatiently for her to open it.
When she came out Draco could tell that she was nervous about something. She looked as though she hadn't slept very well.
"Hermione, I need to talk to you," Draco spoke in a nervous rush. "I–" Draco stopped, frozen still.
Draco gazed into Hermione's eyes for the first time since they had been sleeping together and almost jumped with surprise. He knew those eyes. He would never forget those deep, thoughtful brown eyes. They had been burned into his mind's eye and he now saw that he would never be free of them.
"May?" He gasped.
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TBC...
No preview this week :( I had enough trouble getting this chapter done, even late, so you'll just have to wait till next Monday to see what happens next. Only two chapters left!