Disclaimer: The author has a big fear of lawyers and she'd like to put on a decent enough disclaimer to drive them away - This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. The decent disclaimer was a product of a simple spell called the Copypaste-nomus Charm, handy if the writer is incredibly lazy.

Author's Notes: Thanks a lot to my reviewers, take some cookies! thatpinkrose, especially. I'm not very good at making Remus in character so I made him drunk... Anyway, I know the plot was pretty light, judging that it had come out of one wicked game of dugtungan and I can't plan out a decent ploteven if it came and bit me upthe backside (.)Again, thanks to every single human soul who reviewed and are planning to review.

10 things you should NEVER do...

Phase Two

Keep in mind: these are no-no's!

"You are not to be alone with any woman in this ship, do you understand?" James paced back and forth around his cabin, hiding his grinning face from Sirius, who was sitting sadly on the bed.

Sirius nodded glumly. He felt like he was back in his Hogwarts years, being scolded like that. James was probably thinking along the same lines; he looked as he was enjoying acting like McGonagall. It was a very beautiful moment for him.

"So, how'd it go?" James asked him, smirking.

"What d'you mean, how'd it go?" Sirius said incredulously, trying to find a good enough statement to make that specific topic closed. Still, he thought, how did it go? "I've kissed her before, haven't I?"

James heaved an exasperated sigh. "Yes, but you were incredibly drunk back then. And you don't look the least bit tipsy to me now."

"Is there a difference?" Sirius said peevishly. He looked away from James, blushing slightly.

Leering, James stopped pacing. "You know," he said slowly, "this is a very rare moment, seeing you blush."

"Shut it, you," said Sirius irritably.

oOo

It's karma, Sirius thought as he watched James gaze nervously at Lily, who looked back and forth between James and Brenda, though it wasn't that obvious with her veil on. Beside Sirius on the front pew was a hiccupping Remus, who tried to listen as intently as he could but all he could hear were the hiccupping noises he was making. Peter was sitting next to Remus, looking around in search of Elise Jenner. Sirius was occasionally glancing across the aisle, hoping to see Dorcas looking back at him, but her gaze was coolly fixed on Brenda, who was occasionally glaring at her in return.

Seated at the far back was Albus Dumbledore, looking different in midnight-blue robes and pointed hat, along with their former professors McGonagall and Flitwick, sitting on either side of the half-giant Hagrid, the gamekeeper of Hogwarts.

"If anyone here doesn't want these two to get hitched, say 'JAMES, MARRY BRENDA INSTEAD!'" Brenda piped up, hopefully looking at the audience. "Come on, I'm sure James wouldn't mind. You wouldn't want to have nightmares of redheaded four-eyes attacking you in your cabin, you know." She smiled sweetly at them for a while before she looked at them in an irritated sort of way and plopped open the large book in front of her and reading its contents in a bored manner. She proceeded with the ceremony grudgingly.

"Do you, James Potter, take" - she glared at Lily - "her to be your wizardly wedded wife?"

"I do - OW!"

Brenda suddenly threw herself onto James, who hurtled backwards, and began sobbing at his chest, "Please reconsider! I mean, this is a Mudblood for crying out loud! Please, please, please, James, marry me!"

I told you not to hire that loon.

The reactions of the spectators were varied. Sirius and Dorcas, wands out, automatically jumped off their seats and began to pull Brenda off James. Unfortunately, when they noticed they were pulling the same woman and were barely a foot apart, Sirius let go of Brenda and rushed to James' side, pretending to check if he was okay. Peter bobbed up and down from his seat, not sure if he wanted to help or just stay out of the way. Remus commented to the person to his right ("G.Q.C.L.C sounds stupid, doesn't it? I mean, it would've sounded betterif the acronym was decent. Take, for example, S.I.A.M for'Sirius is a moron' or...").Albus Dumbledore looked amused while Minerva McGonagall shook her head, muttering. James' mum sobbed even louder as Mr. Potter tried to comfort her. Lily's mum and dad looked horrified; A pregnant Petunia and her husband Vernon didn't look like they cared, though, as they passed tissues to Mrs. Potter wincingly.

6. Force or even ask the Dursleys to come to your wedding

"What d'you mean you're not coming?" Lily asked Petunia heatedly.

Petunia sipped her tea through pursed lips. "I'm just not." She looked at Lily snappishly.

"B-but I came to your wedding!" she argued. "I acted like a Muggle -"

"A what, excuse me?"

"A Muggle, Petunia," said Lily irritably. "It's not like I'm cursing."

Petunia chose not to reply. She sipped her tea again, pretending Lily wasn't there. It was easy, of course, since she's been doing that for years.

Please, Petunia," Lily begged, "this is very important to me."

"Don't let me get in the way," said Petunia. "After all, Mum and Dad made sure that your wedding will be excellent, did they not? It was always about you, wasn't it? Perfect, pretty, can do no wrong Lily deserves the best, doesn't she? Even before you got that letter, you were always a FREAK. I don't doubt you'll meet a very, very sticky end - being around that Potter and his friends."

"Is that so? Then don't come, Petunia. If you do, I'll ask Potter and his friends to turn you to a slug - not that it would make a difference." Lily stood up and left. Of course, Mrs. Potter took over and made a Petunia and Vernon go anyway.

Dorcas pointed her wand at Brenda's chest and whispered threateningly, "If you don't do the ceremony, love, I promise I'll murder you right here."

Brenda turned pale. She tensely eyed the wand and gave Dorcas an aggressive stare before returning behind the altar in front of James and Lily. It was only after Sirius sat down that Brenda continued.

"And do you" - she turned to Lily - "take James Potter to be your wizardly wedded husband even though you completely devastated and humiliated him in front of -" She abruptly stopped - probably because Dorcas' wand was beginning to ignite. "Erm - well, do you?"

"I do," said Lily, taking her veil off, making Brenda look more irritated.

"Well, the damage is done," said Brenda dismissively, turning to James, "can't do anything now. You may snog the bride - but I wouldn't mind if you were to kiss me," she added hopefully.

James froze (not literally, worryguts). He was probably reminiscing on the "good old days" in which he was always having a row with Lily.

"OY!" Sirius yelled from the front bench. "If you aren't going to do it, I could do it for you, you know..."

Sirius' words made a huge impact. To Brenda's dismay, James immediately pulled Lily by the waist, and kissed her passionately. Loud applause broke the silence.

By the time they parted, the window behind them showed a majestic fireworks display conjured by Professor Albus Dumbledore, who was sitting at the back with a few of their former teachers, waving at the pair. He caught Sirius' eye and nodded as he stuffed his wand back to his robes. Sirius took out his own wand, and began forming words out of Dumbledore's fireworks such as "LILY FINALLY MARRIED JAMES" and "HAIL THE BEST MAN".

7. Let Sirius and Remus duel with fireworks

Remus snorted and formed words of his own. Next to Sirius', he formed "HAIL THE IRREPRESSIBLE BEST MAN WHO PAID THE NEWLYWEDS TO INVITE HIM" in which Sirius quickly snapped back with "KICK OFF, BASTARD". Of course, James wouldn't be outdone in his own wedding; he formed words of his own and invited Peter to do the same thing.

Petunia and Vernon scowled derisively at them as they followed the crowd to the second half of the ballroom for the reception.

The reception was fantastic. As soon as the guests were seated, the glass plates were filled with food. It reminded the magical beings in the ballroom of their former school. The professors, too, looked amazed at the uncanny fact. Mr. and Mrs. Evans looked delighted while Mr. and Mrs. Dursley looked uneasy. They didn't like such nonsense. After the feast was the dance, led by the newlyweds, followed by Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall, then most of the others. The music was played by De Black Cat Club.

A soft hand patted Sirius, who was drinking firewhisky, on the back. He whirled around, and found Dorcas looking warily at him.

"Dance?" she offered, now looking expectantly at him.

Sirius didn't understand why but he didn't want to reject her offer. After an awkward pause, he nodded stiffly and they both made their way to the platform. The last song stopped, and a new, slower one was played.

Dorcas placed a hand on Sirius' shoulder; Sirius placed a hand on her waist, as his other was softly held in hers. As they danced through the slow, somber music across the room, Sirius couldn't help but avoid her eyes. There was an inept silence between the two of them until Dorcas spoke up.

"You're avoiding me," she pointed out calmly. "Is it because of -?"

"No," Sirius said quickly. "It's not - no - it's -"

"Oh don't lie to me, Sirius," she said seriously in an irritated sort of way.

Sirius was taken aback; she called him Snuffles or Padfoot all the time since seventh year when James told Lily about their Animagus transformations. This was the first time she called him Sirius in years. Yes, it does sound absurd, but compared to the fact that Dorcas had a mother who drowned herself in a two-foot pond, a father who murdered his second wife because she was having an affair with a Muggle, and a half-wit Squib for a half-brother, calling Sirius 'Snuffles' wasn't silly at all.

"It's bothering me because it was an accident and I didn't mean it," Sirius lied.

"Well one more won't hurt, right?"

8. Allow the bridesmaid to snog the best man (and when I say snog, I mean kiss-in-a-long-fervent-manner-that-makes-girls-go-sigh I wish I did that

oOo

All of the people in the ship were asleep except for the four Marauders were sitting around a table on the deck under the stars, helping themselves with intoxicating drinks. Remus, being the sophisticated one, helped himself with mead, Peter with mild vodka, Sirius with a bottle of ale, and James with a bottle of firewhisky.

"Where are your - hic - your in-laws go - hic - going to do after - hic - after we reach Ma - hic - Madrid?" Remus asked James.

"Well they can't Apparate like you guys can so -"

"What d'you mean?" said Sirius disbelievingly. "You don't think we're going to leave you alone in your honeymoon, do you?"

James gaped at him. "Padfoot, that's the point of the honeymoon - to get away from annoying gits."

"Then why is Petunia going with you?"

Peter sniggered. "Yeah, why is Vernon there too?"

"They're my in-laws," said James sharply. "Learn to respect them."

Sirius laughed in a bark-like way. "We'll just follow from your example - like transfiguring their teacups to mice."

"Yes, you should," replied James. "And don't forget to blow up their house on the way."

Sirius said incredulously, "D'you think we're just going to let you enjoy your honeymoon while we work out our backsides for the Order?"

"That's what Dumbledore said," said James coolly. "And unless you get married tomorrow, I don't think you should come to the honeymoon."

An extremely drunk Remus put down his glass of mead. "I think I'll - hic - be going to - hic - to bed now," he said, trying and failing to stand up from his seat.

9. Permit Wormtail to drink drinks containing alcohol

"Why don't you stay for a while, Moony?" said Peter. "We've been here for what, thirty minutes and you're already giving up?"

"Ah, so you're the daring one now, are you?" said Sirius, taking a sip of ale. "You can't get that drunk with vodka, can you?"

Peter took a swig of vodka and looked at Sirius. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't get all the words out properly. It seemed that he did get that drunk with vodka, as his mother won't let him drink any alcoholic beverages.

"I think Wormtail here took your spot, mate," laughed James. "When the wine is in, the wit is out."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You can't be the daring one and be committed at the same time," James answered wisely.

"You don't sup - hic - suppose that we didn't s - hic - see your snogging - hic - snogging session, don't - hic - don't you?"

Sirius blushed for the second time today. "It's not illegal to kiss a friend, is it?"

Remus muttered, "It is if - hic - if you try to - hic - to kiss - hic - James."

Sirius and James ignored that comment.

"A friend who just happens to be a girl," said Peter daringly. "Your girl - friend..." Sirius gave him a withering look which made him recoil.

James laughed. "Nothing's wrong with that, Padfoot. You've had dozens of girlfriends, but you've never settled down. You know what's wrong with you?"

Sirius raised his eyebrow and said sarcastically, "Oh, do tell."

"You never seem to find the right girl," said James. "You see a nice girl, you ask her out, you see a flaw, and then you break up with her. You did that with every single girl you've gone steady with. You know, I thought no girl would like to date you after that, but they're still running after you. Goodness, Sirius, one day you'll have a ten-thousand Galleon price on your arse, and lead the biggest manhunt in the Wizarding World."

"Fat chance," said Peter.

"Is it?" said James.

"So what you're saying is I'm too sexy to settle?" said Sirius innocently.

James snorted. "No. What I'm saying is every girl has her flaws and there's nothing you can do about it. No one's bloody perfect -"

"Lily is," said Sirius.

James threw him a sharp stare and looked at him warily. "Well, you can't have her."

"I meant she was perfect for you, idiot," said Sirius.

"Oh..." said James, looking relieved. "You'll find your girl, mate, don't worry."

"But I thought he already found her," said Peter.

"Maybe I did, Wormtail."

James lifted his glass. "A toast, then. To the sexy bachelor sitting beside me -"

"- For him to never see anyone's flaws again -" Peter continued.

"- and to a - hic - abandon all thoughts of - hic - thoughts of turning - hic - turning Petunia into - hic - a slug." Remus shakily raised his glass with them.

oOo

Alone in her cabin, the bridesmaid groaned, turned around, and tried to find a more comfortable spot. With all hopes of sleeping gone, she sat up, cursed, and flopped down her bed. She forced her eyes closed, determined not to think of Sirius - though I find that quite impossible.

She heard a faint click behind her. Her God-given reflexes made her dart under her pillow for her wand and point it directly at the figure standing by the door.

"Oy, don't you point that thing at me!"

It was Sirius.

She lowered her wand, but didn't let go. "What're you doing here?"

"I was trying to take a good look at your flaws..."

"My what, excuse me?"

"Well, that is if you have any," Sirius went on. "If not I guess we could get married, have a dozen kids, and maybe join James and Lily in their honeymoon... and I guess I wouldn't start the biggest manhunt the Wizarding World has ever known and have a ten-thousand galleon price on my beautiful backside... plus, I probably won't get sent to Azkaban."

She put her wand back under her pillow. "Why would you be sent to Azkaban, might I ask?"

Sirius shrugged, "For being an irresistible, sexy, young bachelor..."

"So I'm connected to you being a sexy bachelor because -?"

"Because if I don't see a flaw, I'll settle with you and be an irresistible, sexy, young, married man."

"Ah... do you see any flaws from back there?"

"Not much," said Sirius. "Except you sleep with your wand under your pillow and probably blow me up before I can even get near enough to do... stuff."

"Why don't you look at my flaws here?" she moved to the other side of the bed and made space for him. "And probably do your - ah - stuff while you're at it."

10. Forget to put a 'DO NOT DISTURB sign on the bridesmaid's door while she and the best man do stuff.

Finished! Can't go into detailing - I suck at that. (",) Thanks to the co, Poo, who betaed too. snickers It rhymes! Anyway, reviews are again, so very much appreciated.