Sitting in my little corner staring out in to the open I felt so scared.
"What's out there?" I said softly.
I had never felt like this before, I almost felt like I wanted to just stay in my little pit forever. The world outside just didn't seem the same to me. I had even promised myself I would get out of here but I don't want to any more.
"What's wrong with me?"
Everything has just hit me, I was sitting here.
"I should be fucking dead, maybe I am?"
I sat there for hours, sat until the sun flickered and died for the day.
I stared out, looking in to the darkness. It was finally time to go and face it all.
"Fuck it, I've had enough of this" I thought to myself.
Getting up I stretched my limbs, dusted the dirt off my coat and started walking.
It felt good feeling the cold night air against my skin, smelling all the smells of the city and hearing the busy background noise. I can't believe it was actually something I missed.
Walking for what seemed like 20 minutes I realised I had no idea where I was, it didn't look like anywhere around the city I had been in but I wasn't bothered; there was nowhere I needed to be any more, nobody I had to answer to. I think everyone must think I'm dead by now.
"Where is this world shall I go, what fucking fun time will I have now?" I said to myself.
Well for one thing I had to get the fuck cleaned up.
"I must be covered in dirt and look like shit, I haven't washed in who knows how long and I haven't even had a shave!" I yelled at myself.
I had to find somewhere to clean up, hey I even had money to left in my wallet.
"Why didn't the fuckers that did this to me take that, huh?" I started whispering, but it turned in to almost a scream.
I strolled around the corner, a couple kids walked past staring immensely at me, they just stood there opening their mouths slightly.
"FUCK OFF" I yelled.
I don't know why, I wouldn't normally but these guys just pissed me off and I wasn't really in the mood to be pissed off. My whole life people had been fucking gawking at me all the time, planning things behind my back and talking shit about me too I'm sure.
I started walking faster, almost embarrassed by what I had just done.
Walking and walking I found myself upon what looked like a main road, I vaguely remember doing some shitty job somewhere around here. I think there was a hotel there too.
I now had my very own little mission. I must find a hotel, find it and fix myself the fuck up, but first I needed supplies; I needed some fucking scissors and razors and maybe even some soap.
"Fuck the shampoo!" I yelled out.
Heading in to a dodgy mini-mart the guy at the counter looked at me for a second and announced:
"Dude you look like shit, you al right?"
"Just fucking fine, al right?" I snapped back at him.
He looked uncomfortable. I just went and got my shit and walked up to the counter.
"Is that it?"
"Yeah" I replied grimly.
"Ok, that will be $23."
"23 fucking dollars, you've got to be kidding me?"
"Um, no sir, that's how much it totals, here look" He pointed at the screen.
"Ok, take my fucking cash then" I said as I threw it on the table and started to leave.
"Sir this is 25"
"Well then keep the rest, fuck head." I said quietly as I exited through the automatic doors, knowing he probably didn't hear all of it.
So I was on my way, on my way to a hotel. On my way to clean my fucking self up, I was on my little mission.
"Off and away!" I yelled and started jogging down the street.
It wasn't long before I found a seeding looking, mother-fucking dodgy hotel. The place looked great you know. Purple with bright pink lights clashing right against that lovely lime green they had decided to paint the place. I walked through the doors and up to the counter, not a fucking person in sight.
My eyes dashed across the room, looking for something. There was some ones handbag laying on the table; for some reason I just had the urge to take it, so I did. I shoved it in my jacket and then started pressing the buzzer.
After 20 fucking minutes of pressing on it a fat balding old man came out and stared at me.
"Yes?" he questioned me.
"Um, what do you think? I'm looking for a room"
He looked me up and down and gave me a kind of angry look.
"I can give you a room, but what tells me you're not just going to steal my furniture?"
I stared blankly at him:
"Look I don't want to steal furniture, I obviously look like shit and I'm tired and I just want to clean up and lay down ok? Can I fucking do that you old fucker?"
He didn't really look surprised at my reaction.
"Sure, I'll give you room 12a. It isn't the nicest but I don't think you'll give a fuck will you?" He said and waited for my reaction.
"Well anyway, it'll be $75 per night. I expect you out by 2pm tomorrow, okay?"
"Sure. Fucking dandy." I said back and reached in to my wallet.
I headed down the long grotty, peeling pink painted hallway till I found 12a. I started to push the key in to the lock and it just flung open.
"Great fucking place" I said to myself.
It wasn't too bad, so what there was stains all over the carpet and the furniture looked like it was from an old folks home. At least it wasn't a pile of dirt, right?
I headed straight to the bathroom, straight to the mirror.
"FUCK" I yelled as I looked at myself.
I was a fucking mess, no wonder those kids stared. My skin was so pale it was almost blue, my hair had grown longer than ever and was matted and knotted, the hair on my face had grown down covering my neck. I had dirt patches across my face and a bit of blood in the corner of my mouth.
"What the fuck am I now" I thought to myself in shock.
I certainly wasn't me any more, I looked like those homeless people I used to see kids kicking around.
"Well I won't fucking be kicked around!" I yelled.
I started trimming my hair to shoulder length, brushing and throwing water in it. It looked al right, so on to my next mission, chopping this fucking Z Z-Top beard off.
It was then time for my shower.
I slowly turned the creaking knob on, feeling the cold water slowly turn in to a luke warm on my body, feeling it fall in to my wounds, stinging and throbbing.
I looked down in to them, they weren't deep but they were horrible looking. They had half grown over with huge purple scars; purple scars on my now completely pale skin.
I dried myself slowly, trying not to hit any of the wounds. I have shaved my beard in to a little goatee.
"What's wrong with something new?"
I looked a lot better now, I felt a lot better. I felt like all the dirt was gone, I felt so clean and free from memories of that dirt pit. Until I found my clothes.
"Fuck I should have thought of that" I whispered.
I had nothing to wear except my dirty old stinking and shredded clothes.
"Maybe not." I said to myself.
"People leave shit behind in these rooms all the time" I said as I looked around for some drawers.
I spotted some fitted in to the boxing underneath the bed. Searching through them I found some stuff, it even looked like it would fit. But the real question was do I even want to be seen wearing this shit?
I had found bright white tight pants and a plain black t-shirt, hell the t-shirt will do but fuck these pants. I guess at least it's something, I even found a pair of non-matching socks.
"Abso-fucking-lutely great" I yelled.
I grabbed my boots, hell they looked pretty nice considering, all they needed was a clean up with a rag and I was set to go.
"I must look so fucking cool, I have a black t-shirt with cut-off sleeves, tight fucking white pants and big fucking spiky boots" I said as I looked down. I really had no reason to be in this hotel room any more. I didn't want to rest.
I strapped a bag to my back and rummaged through my newly found purse, left the keys in the door and strolled out of that shitty place.
"Now that I'm all fixed up it's about time I paid a few people visits" I whispered as if some body was going to hear it.