Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon
"In her blue eyes"
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She was strong and brave and she had a big heart and she was pretty and smart...
And not that at all.
Usagi always was some of those things. For example - she was a crybaby - she cried for every little thing that wasn't by her will, although those tears were fake then, most of the time. They were a bit hazy, a bit gray and they dropped down her cheeks too fast in a rush to catch the ghost of an emotion that wasn't there. They were all that and much more to be honest.
But when something was of great importance to her - then she would cry not because she was simply protesting, but she cried from the very bottom of her heart and her tears were like the drops of a waterfall, reflecting an entire world of colors and every tear went slowly on its own way carrying it's pain.
Usagi cried many times over and over again and Mamoru hated every one of those times, no matter if the tears were real or not. The very act of her crying, the sight of her wet face with an expression of a broken heart almost drove him over the edge. That's how powerful her tears could be.
And her eyes were blue, and every time she cried they were becoming lighter in color and Mamoru seriously wondered if one day when she cries all the tears out she would cry out all the blue too.
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The last time Mamoru cried was when he was six, he remembers it well. Occasionally through the course of his life till now his eyes would sparkle with unshed tears but they never fell down, he never could, never was able to tell his story through them, to ask forgiveness or find redemption or anything else that a man could usually seek in the condolence of tears.
Instead of that he seeks condolence in her arms, in her at first timid and soft kisses and then later in the heat of their nights and heavy obsession of loving and being loved. Mamoru forgets all the tears he should be crying because of all the nightmares that are plaguing him, he forgets them for all the mistakes he made and for that he has, doesn't have and he's losing.
Because of that he finds himself little by little hating the woman he loves because she's capable of doing something he can't. He hates her for crying.
His eyes are blue too - and they are becoming more darker in color, because sometimes to him it seems as if all the color Usagi's eyes are losing is being transfered into his eyes - and he has taken so much from her already.
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That afternoon while they are lying in the meadow, Mamoru leaning on the tree and Usagi with her head in his lap, she doesn't even try to love him more than she hates him or her self because it doesn't bring her pleasure anymore - nor love, nor hate - like it used to, in the beginning, and this is the end, just not yet. It will be, because it's not like it used to be, when spring was just a spring and autumn just an autumn; when they both meant to her life and love, loneliness and regret for something that was, wasn't and won't be.
He just sits behind her, beneath her, beside her and away from her and looks at her as if he can see through her, farther than her and the things she's made of, farther than the skin, bones and the hidden corners where she used to break because of him - and on the other hand he's looking at her as if he can see nothing else but her.
"You're crying again, Usako.", he announces, the tone in his voice painted by the guilt of the past and mirrored in the future, but mixed with the pain of now. She nods slowly, insecure, turning her head to press her cheek against his leg and she's very well aware what he meant by that.
And now, more than ever she is sure that he can't love her, at least not like she wanted him to love her - desperately and forever so she could completely lose herself in that love and become someone new and someone better.
"Yes, I know." Usagi confesses and raises her misted eyes to meet them with his with a small smile in the corners of her mouth.
"I know. "
With her completely white eyes facing his black ones Usagi can see everything that will never be because they both love too little and too much at the same time.
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AN: Ok, this was weird. But clear, to me at least. Oh well, it was running around in my head and I had to do something with it, although it's short. But it has been so long since I wrote something on Sailor Moon that I just had to try.
Anisa