Next day at noon Ariana as a phoenix flew back to her house in the Forbidden Forest. When she got to the porch, she turned back into a woman and entered the house. Severus went out of the living room to greet her. He didn't look much happier than the previous day but a bit calmer.

'Good morning,' he said quietly.

'Good morning.' She stood in the hallway, uncertain how to proceed.

'Are we going to stand here like this?' asked Severus dispassionately.

'Oh, of course not, let's go to the room.'

She led him into the living room and sat down on the couch, twisting her fingers nervously.

'Relax, I don't bite.' He sat down next to her and looked at her carefully. 'What do you want?'

'I don't want anything.'

'Then why am I here?'

'And where would you like to be?' she answered with a question.

'Preferably in the grave.'

'I won't apologise for saving you. Seriously, where would you like to be? What would you like to do?'

Severus watched her closely but didn't answer.

'I'm not forcing you to stay here,' said Ariana. 'You may go wherever you want. I've just thought that after everything that happened you may need a peaceful place to rest.'

'I don't need to rest.'

'Your mind certainly does. You're relying too much on Occlumency. It's unhealthy, it's dangerous—'

'On the contrary,' said Severus, 'it's the only thing that keeps me sane.'

'Then you need to find other ways to deal with your issues. Repressing so many thoughts and emotions can lead to madness. Do you want to end up in St Mungo's?'

'Thank you for your concern, but I'm perfectly able to deal with it on my own.'

'But you don't have to deal with it on your own!' said Ariana, a little irritated. 'I care for you, do you hear me?'

'Have you forgotten something? I killed your brother!'

'And I killed my own mother and somehow I can live with myself. Don't forget I was there when he ordered you to do it. Stop trying to make me hate you, it won't work.'

'So what, you want me to sit here and stare at the wall?' Severus winced.

'If this is what you need, then why not?'

— — —

He wasn't going to stay there and do nothing. As soon as she was gone, he cleaned up after himself as if he had never been there and then he disapparated.

He appeared in a cold room. The unpleasant smell of mold and damp walls told him he was home. This was where he was supposed to be. He didn't even bother to light the fire. He just sat down on the floor against the wall.

Nothing mattered anymore. There was no need to do anything. He would have considered ending it all if it hadn't been an easy way out. He deserved to live when life was more miserable than death. He didn't even feel despair, just emptiness.

What was he supposed to do now? Why had Ariana had to save him? Why couldn't she just let him die and be at peace at last?

She would come back tomorrow and see that he was gone. Perhaps she would be relieved that he would no longer be her burden. Wouldn't she?

Why did she want to help him after everything he had done?

"We're friends." He remembered all the precious little moments he had shared with her in the last twelve years. He had always believed they hadn't been as important to her as they had been to him. He knew who he was.

"I care for you." Did she? Could she? Or was she just trying to honour Dumbledore's memory? Did she just pity him?

What if tomorrow she wasn't relieved but sad? What if he hurt her just to sit here, selfishly plunging into despair?

And what about Dumbledore? He must have cared for her deeply and tried desperately to protect her from further harm. Could he just leave her alone when he knew her secret? Could he protect her or at least respect her wishes in order to honour Dumbledore's memory? Or would he harm her by doing so?

He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, but when he got up, it was getting dark. He made the decision and it felt almost comforting, as if he had had some purpose in life, something to do. He looked around for the last time and disapparated.

— — —

At the end of the month Harry Potter, with the help of the Weasleys, invited the surviving members of the Order of the Phoenix to dinner at Grimmauld Place to celebrate the end of the war. The atmosphere wasn't very cheerful though but a bit melancholic. There were many toasts in honour of the ones who had given their lives for the cause.

Ariana was sitting next to Tonks whom she had grown to like very much in the last year. Little Teddy had been a little fussy during the dinner, but now he was sleeping on Tonks' lap. Watching his sweet face, Ariana felt a twinge of regret: she would most likely never know the joy of motherhood.

'How are you?' she asked.

'Much better,' replied Tonks. 'I left St Mungo's two weeks ago. Fortunately the healers found the cure for Bellatrix' curse rather quickly and I suffered no permanent damage. I could go back to my beloved boy.' She caressed Teddy on the head. 'He'd been with my mother this whole time, he must've missed me. He's so little.'

'And Remus? How is he?'

'He left St Mungo's a few days ago. He was hit by Dolohov, you know? Who apparently is very—creative when it comes to curses. The healers couldn't come up with a remedy and Remus was dying… Eventually they managed to heal him, but they needed twelve different potions. Twelve! Dolohov should be happy to be in Azkaban, I would gladly kill him with my bare hands.'

'I remember Hermione Granger being hit with some wicked curse of his two years ago,' said Ariana. 'She needed many potions as well, Severus was very busy brewing them all.'

'Do you know where he is now? Do you have any contact with him?'

'Yes.'

'And?' Tonks looked at her curiously. 'You know, everybody's interested in his, er, adventures last year. Why hasn't he come to dinner?'

'Here's your answer. Because of everybody. All of them want to look at him and decide for themselves if he's guilty. While he's barely able to function at all. I visit him every day and pray he's still there and hasn't killed himself.'

'It's that bad? I'm sorry. I remember you were close, weren't you?'

'Yes. At least I considered him my friend. Still do. But we've been talking about Remus. Is he alright now?' Ariana looked at Remus who seemed exhausted.

'He's… better. But he's fatigued and has some issues with his short-term memory. But at least he's alive, isn't he.'

'True. After the battle I was told you were dead, I was devastated. I can't describe how happy I was to hear that both of you were alive! So many people died… And how's Teddy?'

'As cute as ever,' replied Tonks, 'and still very tiring. But it's getting better since he's sleeping a little longer than a month ago and by that I mean he's able to sleep continuously for three hours at night instead of just one. My mum is helping a lot and Remus, as much as I was angry with him, is a great dad, he's got a lot of patience.'

— — —

'Molly Weasley sends you this,' said Ariana, putting the pot on the kitchen counter.

'What is it?' asked Severus suspiciously.

'A Sunday roast.'

'Since when is she sending me dinner?'

Ariana laughed at his expression of surprise, suspicion and slight disgust.

'I guess she feels a little guilty. Most of them do.'

'I don't need their pity,' growled Severus.

'I know. It isn't the first time you're saying this.'

'Ha ha, very funny.'

'I'm merely stating the fact,' said Ariana. 'By the way, you're invited to dinner next month.'

'I'm not going, I'm not a monkey in the zoo to be stared at.'

'I've already told them you'd most likely refuse.'

Severus smiled slightly. He didn't look as miserable as a month ago, less angry but still very tired.

They made tea and sat down at the kitchen table.

'When I was about to leave,' said Ariana, 'Hermione Granger approached me. She isn't coming back to Hogwarts next year, but she still wants to pass her N.E.W.T.s. She said she didn't like the Potions book and asked me if you could give her your notes.'

'If she's as gifted as everybody assumes, she should have no problem figuring this out on her own.'

'You don't even need those notes anymore.'

Severus looked like he was about to protest, but then he waved his wand and a neat stack of pieces of parchment flew from the bedroom above. He copied it with a spell, sent back the original one and gave the copy to Ariana.

'You have very orderly notes,' observed Ariana curiously.

'Why is it surprising? I taught Potions for fifteen years. It would have been much harder without any notes.'

'Have you ever thought about writing a book?'

'I was too busy for that,' replied Severus. 'And I wouldn't have had any idea how to make it interesting instead of uninformative lists of instructions.'

'I can help you.'

'What?'

'If you give me those lists of instructions and some brief notes about what you changed and why, I can help you redact it,' said Ariana.

'And who would buy it? A book by a Death Eater, murderer and torturer?'

'For example Hermione Granger.'

Severus still looked unconvinced.

'You've been complaining that you have nothing to do,' said Ariana. 'Maybe it would be better than nothing?'

Severus wrestled with some doubts for a while.

'Well, you're right,' he said eventually, 'it is incredibly boring here. But I don't want to make extra work for you.'

'It's not a problem, really. And school doesn't start until September, so I have a lot of free time too.'

— June 1998 —

One evening Ariana was sitting on the porch, crocheting. She was enjoying this quiet time alone. Since Severus started living in her house, she rarely had time just for herself. She missed that a bit, because she had used to come here to rest and collect her thoughts. It was Severus who asked her if she wanted to have some time alone. She had been afraid to mention it not to give him the wrong impression that he wasn't welcome here. Albus and Aberforth had always been saying she'd been too shy and sweet, but it was hard to be braver sometimes. Fortunately Severus, his grumpiness aside, was a good friend and thought about her needs.

When she started working at Hogwarts twelve years ago, she found him more interesting than other staff members, maybe because he was just a year older than her. He was a bit funny with his gloomy persona in the staff-room and his overdramatic self in Albus' office. As time went by, she discovered another side of him: his fascination with Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts. He looked younger and happier when he was talking about it and she liked listening to him.

After a few years she realised he was more than a colleague to her. She'd never had a friend and she was happy to have one—someone other than her old brothers. But she noticed she wanted something more, something that she should never want because of what she was. She wanted him to see her beauty, she even dressed up to the Yule Ball to look pretty just for him. It didn't matter, he never looked at her like that. He was faithful to Lily Potter like a knight. But she could never be as beautiful and feisty as her. While Lily was a very gifted witch, she couldn't even cast a simple spell. She was nothing like Lily. She wasn't jealous. It just made her aware of her own shortcomings. She had been a very scared girl that grew up to be a little less scared woman.

She slowly stopped wishing for what could never happen. All she wanted now was for him to be happy.

That was what her life had looked like. She had to accept what she was given—not to lose what she had already got. She had life when she could've been dead. She had her brothers' love when they could've hated her. She had Severus' friendship when she could've been utterly alone.

She had been playing this game of gratitude for years. But it wasn't a very cheerful one.